SandScript 2023 [Digital Exclusive]

Ideations Only
Kristin LeBlanc
again and again
throwing myself at your
mercy hoping you will
understand but
you recoil from me
you hold me tight
you see through me
again and again
you say you love me
no you are a liar
ignore the possibility of truth
I desperately cling to
please see me
I cannot continue
again and again
I blame me for
everything I have not done
I promise I won't do it
I try so hard
please fix me
then you won’t grieve me
again and again
your smile is tired and
you tell me I'm strong but
don’t leave me
you say that I'm pretty
tear stains and smudges
this is not the real me
again and again
maybe you will see me
truly see me no you will not
I won't let you
I beg you free me
this repetition is killing me
why won’t you see through me
again and again
you won’t open your eyes
you stubborn fool
why won’t you leave me
this time I'll actually
you tell me I won't
why won't you believe me
again and again
like a merry-go-round
there is no end to
the spinning of my head
we go round and round
this way and that way
up and down and diagonal and
again and again
this pill and that pill
blue pill red pill one pill two pills
pills won't stop my head and me
maybe you are right
I will take the pills
maybe they will kill me
again and again
I’m sorry
this time I'll do better
please forgive me
you tell me it's okay
but in the dark I dream of me
the me that can't see
again and again
just one more time
that is all I need
take a deep breath and count to three
I will take the pills
I will go to therapy
I'll get better for you and for me
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