SandScript 2023 [Digital Exclusive]

The Closeted Experience
Kina
Questioning sexuality is like trying on different outfits. Some fit perfectly, some are a little
uncomfortable, and some just do not feel like they are my aesthetic. We live in a modern world,
and homosexuality is no longer foreign to most of us. However, the world has not been the kindest
place for LGBTQ+ youth. With the risk of falling victim to hate crime, homelessness, and prejudice,
I had to keep my sexuality to myself, even from my immediate family, for most of my life. More
and more, I wanted to come out and have my mother accept me as I explored and accepted my
identity; a billion uncertainties always stopped me. I had to deal with confusion, euphoria, sadness,
relief, and anxiety as an adolescent while I explored my sexual orientation.
I did my fair share of research as I tried to familiarize myself with different sexual orientations
and identities. As the cliché goes, “Curiosity killed the cat,” but it never stopped me from
becoming a curious and inquisitive child. Fortunately, I had the technology to answer my
never-ending questions. I did not have to bother my parents with unnerving responses.
However, when it came to the in-depth details of sexual identity, researching sexuality made
me afraid that I would open Pandora’s box.
My family’s elders always said it was a taboo “way of living,” so at a young age, I knew I must
hide any questions related to homosexuality. An “Am I Gay Quiz” took me down the rabbit hole
where I got a suspiciously high score for a twelve-year-old who just took that test thinking the
only relationship I could have with the same gender was platonic. The internet took me deeper
and deeper from that point, providing more information that gave me validation and assurance
that I was not alone. I felt overwhelmed and scared but relieved that a community with people
like me would welcome me. But it also scared me because I knew the repercussions against
this community, especially from my conservative family.
As most teenagers do in middle and high school, I started having crushes and going on
dates with boys and girls; I did not fit into one box. It gave me a chance to thoroughly think
through my preference and whether I preferred boys or girls. I had crushes on both, but more
with girls and rarely with boys. By the end of high school, I had more good and bad romantic
experiences with girls; I found that the butterflies in my stomach appeared most around my girl
crushes. On the other hand, I realized I only felt an attraction to boys superficially, so I never
got into serious relationships with them as I did with girls. I got along with men, but it always
felt like a connection that friends have with each other.
For as long as I remember, women have taken my breath away, and I could connect with them
beyond a superficial level. I would be smitten by gorgeous women like most girls my age would
go crazy about One Direction or Justin Bieber. I found it hard to relate with my friends (specifically
girls) when it came to dating because I was the only girl among my peers that liked girls too. I kept
exploring with an open mind and kept my options open to both men and women.
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