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SXSW 2013 Sampler

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4 The Book of Business UnAwesome<br />

If you are in business yourself, here are the steps for creating the<br />

ultimate UnAwesome business.<br />

The first step to spend all of your money on brochures, billboards,<br />

and car wraps.<br />

Place that order for Frisbees with your logo on them and a giant<br />

Yellow Pages Ad. Be sure to have nothing left over to properly hire<br />

any talent whatsoever: no money for customer service, quality control,<br />

or the person who cleans up the lunchroom once a week.<br />

Make sure your website is a non-mobile-friendly copy of your<br />

brochure. Flash is always good. Animations and music that force play<br />

automatically are critical.<br />

Don’t forget to include a pop up, pop in, and pop under—all great<br />

ways to increase your chances of beating that prospect who landed on<br />

your page over the head a few more times. Why not? They were just<br />

leaving anyway.<br />

Ignore your customers. Pretend the conversations they are having<br />

about you, online and offline, aren’t happening at all. Really, wouldn’t<br />

business be so much better if we didn’t have to deal with pesky<br />

customers at all? The only time we should be reaching out to our<br />

market is with promotions and new product launches.<br />

With these simple steps you are ready to go. Let the UnAwesome<br />

begin!<br />

Serious Scott: I hope you can see how insanely ludicrous this all<br />

sounds, yet sadly this is exactly what you are doing when you think<br />

marketing is all about branding, brochures, and billboards. Marketing<br />

is a verb; it’s what we do that affects our brand perception more than<br />

any brochure ever could. In the upcoming sections you are going to<br />

see how companies’ actions speak louder than any printed word.<br />

I cannot even begin to estimate how much money and time have<br />

been spent by companies crafting, redrafting, and editing their mission<br />

statements. They work long and hard on creating these statements and<br />

hang them up on their walls. So fancy.<br />

The problem is, when you go to any employee (okay, except<br />

maybe the ones on the mission statement committee)—or even more<br />

important, when you go to customers—and ask them if they know<br />

your mission statement, they won’t. You will end up with tons of<br />

different answers—more than to any other question you could ask<br />

about a company.

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