Digesting Jung: Food for the Journey - Inner City Books

Togetherness vs. Intimacy with Distance 69
need, finally, is not compatible with loving; it only shows the degree
to which one lacks personal resources. Better take your need to
a therapist than dump it on the one you love. Need in an intimate
relationship easily becomes the rationale for power, leading to the
fear of loss on one hand, and resentment on the other.
The key to intimacy with distance is the self-containment of each
of the partners, which in turn depends on how much they know
about themselves. When you are self-contained, psychologically
independent, you don’t look to another person for completion. You
don’t identify with others and you’re not victimized by their projections.
You know where you stand and you live by your personal
truth—come what may. You can survive cold shoulders and you
can take the heat.
When you are self-contained, you have your own sacred space,
your own temenos. You might invite someone in, but you’re not
driven to, and you don’t feel abandoned if the invitation is declined.
You respect the loved ones’ boundaries, their freedom and privacy,
even their secrets; you give them space and you don’t knowingly
push their buttons. You don’t judge and you don’t blame. There is
interest in, and empathy for, the concerns of others, but you don’t
take them on as your own.
When you are psychologically separate, not identified with your
mate, you don’t need the other to agree with you and you don’t
need to be right. You don’t expect the other to change in order to
suit your needs, and you don’t ask it of yourself either. And if over
time you can’t accept the other but still can’t leave, well, that is the
stuff of analysis: conflict and complexes.
The bond between two people is a precious and mysterious
thing, not entirely explained by the theory of complexes and the
phenomenon of projection. But this much at least is true: there is an
optimum distance in every relationship that evolves through trial
and error and good will—if you know who you are and can stop
pressing for more than you get.