841Uif

218 f ENLIGHTENMENT EXPERIENCESbecome arid and tense through an egotistic reliance on the invincibilityof reason. . . .. . . What marvelous insights, I feel so good about them ! I knowI've progressed. I won't be surprised if satori hits me this very night !Crack ! Crack ! "Stop dreaming! Only Mu !" roared the godo,walloping me. . . .Dokusan! . . . "No, no, no ! Didn't I tell you to concentrate simplyon Mu? . . . Banish these thoughts ! . . . Sa tori's not a matter of progressor regress, haven't I told you it's a leap? . . . You are to do thisand only this: put your mind in the bottom of your belly and inhaleand exhale Mu. Is that clear?" . . . Why's he so harsh all of a sudden?. . . Even the hawks in the screen behind him have begwt toglower at me.DECEMBER 4, 1953 f My God, my Buddha, a chair's standing at myplace ! I am so grateful ! . . . Roshi came and whispered: "Haradaroshiordered the head monk to give you a chair because he felt youwould never get sa tori sitting with a bent back and constandy shiftingyour position. . . . Now you have no obstacles, so concentrate onMu with all your heart and soul." . . . Concentration quickly tightened,thoughts suddenly disappeared. What a marvelous feeling thisbuoyant emptiness • . . .Suddenly the sun's streaming into dte window in front of me!The rain's stopped! It's become warmer ! At last the gods are withme ! Now I can't miss satori ! . . . Mu, Mu, Mu ! . . . Again Roshileaned over but only to whisper: "You are panting and disturbingthe others, try to breathe quiedy." . . . But I can't stop. My heart'spumping wildly, I'm trembling from head to toe, tears are streamingdown uncontrollably . . . . Godo cracks me but I hardly feel it. Hewhacks my neighbor and I suddenly think: "Why's he so mean, he'shurting him." . . . More tears. . . . Godo returns and clouts meagain and again, shouting: "Empty your mind of every singlethought, become like a baby again. Just Mu, Mu ! right from your,.. k k klguts . --crac , crac , crac . . . .Abruptly I lose control of my body and, still conscious, crumpleinto a heap . . . . Roshi and Godo pick me up, carry me to my roomand put me to bed . . . . I'm still panting and trembling . . . . Roshi