841Uif

AN AMERICAN SCHOOLTEACR.BR I 241at home every other evening with the children while each of us wentto do zazen and learn about Buddhism fo r two weeks prior to thesesshin. The pain of the half-lotus posture chagrined me, because Ihad been athletic all my life and imagined I could do this comfortablywith no training. "Am I ready for this ?" I questioned mysel£"I came to Hawaii fo r relaxation, not meditation." A neurotic fatiguecrept through my whole body and I can't remember when I haveever been so tired.Before the sesshin formally opened, Yasutani-roshi' s preliminarylectures on zazen were distributed to us. They concluded with aclassification of the four distinct grades of aspiration, which rangedfrom mental and physical health to enlightenment. "I am interestedin kensho, but would consider myself fortunate if he assigns me thecounting of my breaths," I convinced myself. "Perhaps a novice likeme will merely learn to entangle her legs correctly and sit up straight."With awe I looked around the room at the other participants sittingperfectly erect, legs in half-lotus posture, breathing in deep concentrationin front of a white curtain.Time passed quickly. Yasutani-roshi arrived and we were all invitedto come on Sunday for zazen and tea. When I saw the littlelight man, seventy-seven yet bearing himself like fifty-seven, withthe sparkling magnetism of youth in his eyes, all doubts vanished."This is my master, fo r whom I was going to search all over Indiaand Japan," I told myself, and was ftlled with a strange feeling of joy.That same evening at the Soto Mission Y asutani-roshi spoke onthe koan Mu and how to penetrate it. His pantomime was so vividthat I understood without knowing a word of Japanese. It seemed tome to be like the anguished joy of bearing a baby, and I was ready forthe labor.The night before sesshin I couldn't sleep. I knew I was going onthe trip of my life, and my heart beat with the wild anticipation I feelbefore climbing a mountain. The next morning I arose at four, sattwo sittings without much trouble, and boldly announced to Y asutani-roshithat I was in the fourth category of aspiration, hoping toreach kensho. To my surprise, he asked no further questions butstraightway assigned me the koan Mu. Almost at once I regretted mydecision!For two days I worked on Mu half-heartedly, scared to death to