841Uif

A CANADIAN HOUSEWIFE I 265at these words I foWld myself in a dense jWlgle breaking through thedarkness of the thick foliage, with a great knife swinging at my belt,in search of my "enemy." This image came again and again, and Isupposed that with Mu I was somehow to overcome the "enemy"upon whom I was now closing in for the final dispatch.On the afternoon of the sixth day, in my imagination I was againslashing a path through the jWlgle, babbling to myself and searchingahead for an opening in the darkness and waiting for the "floodof light" which would mean I was at the end of my trail. Suddenly,with a burst of inner laughter, I realized that the only wayto overcome this "enemy" when he appeared was to embrace him.No sooner had I thought this than the "enemy" materialized beforeme dad in the costwne of a Roman centurion, his short sword andshield raised in attack. I rushed to him and in joy flWlg my arms abouthim. He melted into nothingness. At that instant I saw the brilliantlight appear through the darkness of the jungle. It expanded and expanded.I stood staring at it, and into its center leapt the words '' Muis mel" I stopped short-even my breathing stopped. Could that beso? Yes, that's it ! Mu is me and me is Mu! A veritable tidal wave ofjoy and relief surged through me.At the end of the next roWld of walking I whispered to my husband:"How much am I supposed to Wlderstand when I WlderstandMu?" He looked at me closely and asked: "Do you really Widerstand?""I want the roshi to test me at the next dokusan," I said. Thenext dokusan was some five hours away. I was impatient to knowwhether the roshi would confirm my Wlderstanding. In my heart ofhearts I was certain I knew what Mu was, and I firmly told myselfthat if my answer was not accepted I would leave Zen fo rever. If Iwas wrong, then Zen was wrong. In spite of my own certainty, however,(since I was still unfamiliar with Zen expression) I felt I mightnot be able to respond to the roshi's testing in appropriate Zenfashion.Dokusan :finally came and I asked the roshi to test me. I expectedhim to ask only what Mu was. Instead he asked me: "What is thelength of Mu? How old is Mu?" I thought these were typical Zentrick questions and I sat silent and perplexed. The roshi watched meclosely, then told me that I must see Mu more clearly, and that in thetime remaining I was to do zazen with the greatest possible intensity.