841Uif

228 / ENLIGHTENMENT EXPERIENCES1 didn't eat lWlch, Mu ate . . . . Once or twice ideas of satori startedto rear their heads, but Mu promptly chopped them off . ...Again and again the monitors whacked me, crying: "Victory isyours if you don't relinquish your hold on Mu!" . . .Afternoon dokusan! . . . Hawklike, the roshi scrutinized me as Ientered his room, walked toward him, prostrated myself, and satbefore him with my mind alert and exhilarated. . . ."The universe is One," he began, each word tearing into my mindlike a bullet. "The moon ofTruth-" All at once the roshi, the room,every single thing disappeared in a dazzling stream of illuminationand I felt myself bathed in a delicious, Wlspeakable delight . . . . Fora fleeting eternity I was alone-I alone was. . . . Then the roshi swaminto view. Our eyes met and flowed into each other, and we burstout laughing. . . ."I have it ! I know ! There is nothing, absolutely nothing. I ameverything and everything is nothing !" I exclaimed more to myselfthan to the roshi, and got up and walked out. . . .At the evening dokusan Roshi again put to me some of the previousquestions and added a few new ones: "Where were you born? . . . Ifyou had to die right now, what would you do?" . . . This time myanswers obviously pleased him, fo r he smiled frequently. But I didn'tcare, for now I knew . ..."Although your realization is dear," Roshi explained, "you canexpand and deepen it infmitely . . . ."There are degrees of kensho . . . . Take two people gazing ata cow, one standing at a distance, the other nearby. The distantone says: 'I know it's a cow, but I'm not sure of its color.' The othersays Wlequivocally: 'I know it's a brown cow.' . . ."Henceforth your approach to koans will be different," the roshisaid, and he explained my future mode of practice. . . .Returned to the main hall. . . . As I slipped back into my placeGrandmother Yamaguchi, our part-time godo, tiptoed over to meand with eyes aglow whispered: "Wonderful, isn't it! I'm so happyfor you!" . . . I resumed my zazen, laughing, sobbing, and mutteringto myself: "It was before me all the time, yet it took me five years tosee it." . . . A line Tangen-san had once quoted me rang in my ears:"Sometimes even in the driest hole one can find water."