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AN AMERICAN EX-BUSINESSMAN I 227or twice charged into his dokusan room without waiting fo r hissignal. . . . When he asked me to show him Mu, I spontaneouslyseized his fan, fanned myself, picked up his handbell, rang it, and thenleft . . . .At next dokusan he again asked for Mu. Quickly raised my handas though to smack him. Didn't intend to really hit him, but theroshi, taking no chances, ducked. . . . How exhilarating these unpremeditatedmovements-clean and free . ...Animatedly the roshi warned: "You are now facing the last andtoughest barrier between you and Sel£:-realization. This is the timeone feels, in the words of an ancient master, as though he were amosquito attacking an iron bowl. But you must bore, bore, bore,tirelessly . . . . Come what may, don't let go of Mu . ... Do zazenall night if you feel you may lose Mu in your sleep." . . ."Mu'd" silently in temple garden till clock struck one . ... Roseto exercise. stiff , aching legs, staggered into a nearby fence. SuddenlyI realized: the fence and I are one formless wood-and-flesh Mu. Ofcourse ! . . . Vastly energized by this . . . pushed on till the 4 a.m.gong.AUGUST s, 1958 / Didn't intend to tell Roshi of my insight, butas soon as I came before him he demanded: "What happened lastnight?" ... While I talked, his keen darting eyes X-rayed everyinch of me, then slowly he began quizzing me: "Where do you seeMu? ... How do you see Mu? . . . When do you see Mu? . . . Howold is Mu? . . . What is the color of Mu? . . . What is the sound ofMu? ... How much does Mu weigh?" .. .Some of my answers came quickly, some haltingly . ... Once ortwice Roshi smiled, but mostly he listened in serene silence • . . •Then he spoke: "There are some roshi who might sanction such atip-of-the-tongue taste as kensho, but-""I wouldn't accept sanction of such a picayune experience evenif you wanted to grant it. Have I labored like a mountain these fiveyears only to bring forth this mouse? I'll go on !" . .."Good! I respect your spirit."Threw myself into Mu for another nine hours· with such utterabsorption that I completely vanished. . . . I didn't eat breakfast,Mu did. I didn't sweep and wash the floors after breakfast, Mu did.