Uncle Andy's Digest - March 2019
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Uncle Andy's Digest - March 2019

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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

Richard Moylan<br />

(207) 777-0050<br />

791 Kittyhawk Ave.<br />

Unit 5, Auburn<br />

207-782-7113<br />

Get Your FREE<br />

Quote Today!<br />

richardmoylan@allstate.com<br />

MARCH<br />

<strong>2019</strong><br />

EST. 1996<br />

31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandautobody.com<br />

Insurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance<br />

Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company<br />

Japanese Cuisine<br />

Live Music Every week!<br />

Join us Thursday Nights 7–9pm<br />

Ladies Night Every<br />

Thursday!<br />

LA’s One & Only True<br />

Habachi Experience!<br />

Dave Perlman 3/7<br />

Phil Fortier 3/14<br />

Peter Carriveau 3/21<br />

Brian Patrick 3/28<br />

40 East Ave., Lewiston • 207-795-6888 • www.sea40me.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 1

“Affordable Dental Excellence”<br />

Hours:<br />

Mon. & Tues. 8a-7p • Wed. & Thurs. 8a-5p<br />

closed Fridays<br />

PROVIDING EXCEPTIONAL FAMILY DENTAL CARE FOR OVER 45 YEARS!<br />

IV Sedation<br />

Dental Implants<br />

On-site Periodontist<br />

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We offer patient financing<br />

& senior citizen discounts!<br />

Most Insurances Accepted<br />

New Patient<br />

Exam &<br />

Full Mouth X-Rays<br />

ONLY $ 129 .00<br />

(must mention this ad)<br />

488 Sabattus St., Lewiston<br />

207-783-8800<br />

AndroscogginDentalGroup.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

2<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039 L to R: Tina, Dr. Vlassotoulous, Soy, Dr. Horton, Ashley, Morghan, Dawn & Sarah

The earth laughs in flowers.<br />

MODERN WOODMEN<br />

OF AMERICA<br />

MARCH <strong>2019</strong><br />

ACTIVITIES<br />

Saturday, <strong>March</strong> 2nd<br />

KC Bean Supper - Sabattus<br />

4:30 - 6:00pm<br />

Maxwell-Gill Hall Sabattus<br />

M: $6.00 G: $7.00<br />

Sunday, <strong>March</strong> 3rd<br />

American Legion Breakfast<br />

7:30 - 10:00am<br />

40 Island Rd. Sabattus<br />

M: $5.50 G: $6.50<br />

!<br />

Thursday, <strong>March</strong> 7th<br />

Mandarin<br />

11:00am - 1:00pm<br />

750 Sabattus St. Lewiston<br />

M: $5.50 G: $6.50<br />

Tuesday, <strong>March</strong> 12th<br />

Sam’s Marketplace Mall<br />

12:00 - 7:00pm<br />

675 Main St. Lewiston<br />

M: $3.00 G: $4.00<br />

Wednesday, <strong>March</strong> 13th<br />

Gridiron Restaurant<br />

4:00 - 7:00pm<br />

1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston<br />

M: $6.00 G: $7.00<br />

Saturday, <strong>March</strong> 16th<br />

American Legion Auxiliary<br />

5:00 - 6:00pm<br />

426 Washington St. N. Auburn<br />

M: $6.00 G: $7.00<br />

Tuesday, <strong>March</strong> 19th<br />

Roy’s Breakfast<br />

7:00 - 10:00am<br />

5 Washington Ave. Auburn<br />

M: $4.00 G: $5.00<br />

Tuesday, <strong>March</strong> 19th<br />

Fielder’s Choice<br />

4:00 - 7:00pm<br />

680 Minot Ave. Auburn<br />

Members & Guests: $2.00<br />

Tuesday <strong>March</strong> 26th<br />

Dairy Queen<br />

4:00 - 7:00pm<br />

661 Minot Ave. Auburn<br />

M: $3.00 G: $4.00<br />

Aero Air Park<br />

1-hr pass M: $6.00 G:$8.00<br />

UAD Proof Feb. June, Oct. 2018 Page 3<br />

Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege.<br />

Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to<br />

change. All activities can only be attended<br />

at the times listed. TICKETS ARE<br />

LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO<br />

REFUNDS ALLOWED FMI, please call<br />

our office<br />

782-1833, DO NOT CALL RESTAURANTS.<br />

*************************<br />

Tickets need to be purchased at the<br />

Modern Woodmen District Office,<br />

184 Webster St, Lewiston. Office hours are<br />

Monday-Thursday 9a-4p, Friday 9a-12noon,<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

excluding holidays. Tickets can only be<br />

purchased 1 week in advance of the activity.<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 3<br />

...with<br />

Jimbo

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

is published by the first<br />

Friday of every month by<br />

Maine Mountain Ocean<br />

Group, Inc. with offices at<br />

9 Grove Street, Auburn,<br />

Maine, USA.<br />

Smile in comfort<br />

Every path has its puddle.<br />

S<br />

Published and distributed<br />

since 1996 throughout<br />

Central Maine and mailed to<br />

subscribers all over the Free<br />

World. Subscriptions are<br />

$30/year.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com<br />

Office: 207-783-7039<br />

UAD Super Heroes<br />

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C<br />

While <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> tries very<br />

hard to ensure the accuracy of the<br />

information in our client’s advertisements<br />

and our publication in general, we are<br />

not responsible for vendor availability,<br />

typographical errors, technical<br />

inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or<br />

omissions.<br />

• We offer Care Credit<br />

• Most Dental Insurance Accepted<br />

• We also accept credit & debit cards<br />

• Not a MaineCare provider<br />

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES<br />

801 Webster St., Lewiston • 514-0660<br />

smileagaindentures@gmail.com<br />

SmileAgainDentures.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

4 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

No matter how chaotic it is, wildflowers still spring up in the middle of nowhere.

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.<br />

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET<br />

2 Main Street, Sabattus 375-8502<br />

Out ‘n About at Sea<br />

40 Japanese Bistro<br />

celebrating Chinese<br />

New Year.<br />

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COME CHECK OUT OUR<br />

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It’s always<br />

fun being Out ‘n<br />

About!<br />

e<br />

Life update: Still a mess.<br />

Come be the Difference in Someone’s Life!<br />

NOW HIRING CNAs and DSPs<br />

Are you a compassionate individual who enjoys working<br />

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Apply online at JFMhomes.org<br />

or visit us at 800 Center St, Auburn<br />

John F. Murphy Homes, Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer and complies with all<br />

local, state, and federal guidelines in its employment practices & services provided.<br />

Did You Know? A domestic cat can frighten a black bear to climb a tree.<br />

Trevor Trudell<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 5<br />

UAD Proof <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> Page 5

Lisa said to close my eyes<br />

and envision the shot.<br />

Should I be doing that<br />

while driving the cart?<br />

Love, hope, success,<br />

family, security.<br />

117<br />

Maine’s Favorite Truck Dealership<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

6<br />

5 Star<br />

Dealership<br />

946 Center St. Auburn 784-3503<br />

FOUR WHEEL<br />

ALIGNMENT<br />

$<br />

69.95 reg.<br />

$<br />

89.95<br />

Certified Service<br />

Limit 1 per order, not to be combined w/ other offers.<br />

Expires <strong>March</strong> 31, <strong>2019</strong>. Restrictions may apply.<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Certified Service<br />

$<br />

20 OFF<br />

with any maintenance<br />

of $ 100 or more.<br />

946 Center St. Auburn 784-3503<br />

Limit 1 per order, not to be combined w/ other offers.<br />

Expires <strong>March</strong> 31, <strong>2019</strong>. Restrictions may apply.<br />

946 Center St. Auburn 784-3503<br />

Four Tire rotation<br />

& balance<br />

ONLY $<br />

29.95<br />

Certified Service<br />

Limit 1 per order, not to be combined w/ other offers.<br />

Expires <strong>March</strong> 31, <strong>2019</strong>. Restrictions may apply.<br />

Rt. 4 Center St, Auburn • 207.784.3503 • 1.800.696.0766<br />

www.emersonchevy.com • M-F 8am-7pm; Sat 8am-5pm<br />

Sometimes inspiration comes with a single ray of sunshine.<br />

DealerRater.com<br />

& Cars.com<br />

Certified Service<br />

$<br />

10 OFF<br />

any service repair<br />

946 Center St. Auburn 784-3503<br />

Limit 1 per order, not to be combined w/ other offers.<br />

Expires <strong>March</strong> 31, <strong>2019</strong>. Restrictions may apply.<br />

T<br />

F<br />

F<br />

L<br />

20

Praise the young and they will make progress.<br />

HOURS: M-F: 10:30a - 7p • Sat: 10:30a - 5p<br />

New “Old”<br />

Hits<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

Some hit songs of<br />

the 60s and 70s are<br />

being revised with<br />

new lyrics to accommodate<br />

aging baby<br />

boomers.<br />

They include:<br />

“For Health, For Happiness”<br />

117 Middle St. (next to Guthries) Lewiston • 207.241.2381 • Sinsemilla.me<br />

Herman’s Hermits:<br />

Mrs. Brown, You’ve<br />

Got a Lovely Walker<br />

The Bee Gees: How<br />

Can You Mend a<br />

Broken Hip?<br />

Bobby Darin:<br />

Splish, Splash, I Was<br />

Havin’ a Flash.<br />

e<br />

3<br />

.<br />

Federal<br />

Firearms<br />

License<br />

No matter what season... be comfortable.<br />

PA’S<br />

TRADIN’<br />

COMPANY Inc.<br />

BUY • SELL • TRADE<br />

PAWN<br />

Gun Background Checks/Transfers<br />

Fire Arms Transfers $ 25/each<br />

1447 Main Street, Oxford<br />

Only 25 Minutes from Auburn & Gray<br />

Open Mon-Sat. 9am - 5pm<br />

207-743-0709 or 1-877-743-0709<br />

207-786-3246<br />

230 Rodman Rd., Auburn • nadeausrefrigeration.com<br />

Inventory changes daily<br />

Get more with your<br />

tax returns!<br />

Our inventory costs are well<br />

below retail value!<br />

Both things can’t look good at the same time, it’s me or the house.<br />

Ringo Starr: I Get<br />

By With a Little Help<br />

from Depends<br />

Roberta Flack: The<br />

First Time Ever I<br />

Forgot Your Face<br />

Johnny Nash: I<br />

Can’t See Clearly<br />

Now<br />

Paul Simon: Fifty<br />

Ways to Lose Your<br />

Liver<br />

Commodores:<br />

Once, Twice, Three<br />

Times to the<br />

Bathroom<br />

Procol Harum: A<br />

Whiter Shade of Hair<br />

Leo Sayer: You<br />

Make Me Feel Like<br />

Napping<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 7

W<br />

Out ‘n About at Sea<br />

40 Japanese Bistro<br />

celebrating Chinese<br />

New Year.<br />

Spring needs to stand up and kick winter in the snow balls.<br />

The Fortin Group<br />

Proudly serving the communities of Lewiston and Auburn<br />

for over one hundred Years.<br />

Vickie Rucker &<br />

Michael Racine<br />

It’s cool learning<br />

about other<br />

cultures.<br />

Michelle Gosselin,<br />

Sunny Nadeau<br />

& Tim Ervin<br />

217 Turner Street<br />

Auburn<br />

207-783-8545<br />

70 Horton Street<br />

Lewiston<br />

207-784-4584<br />

May your day be very happy, may your life be free from cares. — Irish Blessing<br />

P<br />

a<br />

•<br />

•<br />

•<br />

•<br />

•<br />

•<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

8<br />

Abby Gayton &<br />

Zoe Touchette<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

I can’t believe it’s time to put my spring cleaning off until next year.

PLACE YOUR<br />

CATERING ORDER<br />

Week-day business meetings • Drop-off • Pick-up<br />

Professional service at an<br />

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• Customer Appreciation<br />

• Luncheons<br />

• Corporate Events<br />

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One Stop Shop Service<br />

• Full Bar Service<br />

• Tents<br />

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• Stage & Lighting<br />

• Port-a-potties<br />

For ALL Your Catering Needs!<br />

CATERING<br />

Dates are filling fast! Call Today for a Free Quote:<br />

207-345-9009<br />

DadsPlaceCatering.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 9

Out ‘n About at Sea<br />

40 Japanese Bistro<br />

celebrating Chinese<br />

New Year.<br />

I’m sorry for the things I said when it was winter.<br />

More fried<br />

rice for you,<br />

Vickie?<br />

Vickie Rucker &<br />

Franki Tam<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

10<br />

Dreaming<br />

of<br />

GOLF<br />

I got this!<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

David Johnson<br />

We have been here for you,<br />

for 25 years!<br />

We will be here 25 more!<br />

Close relationships with physicians.<br />

From prescription to delivery, practitioners<br />

are involved in the complete process.<br />

On-site fabrication, locally owned, local employees<br />

1-877-877-7022 • www.AdvanceOandP.com<br />

AUBURN • BRUNSWICK • SO. PORTLAND • KENNEBUNK • RANGELEY<br />

Warning: I may be prone to shenanigans and malarkey.<br />

SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY<br />

Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast<br />

Buffet Buffet Buffet Buffet Buffet Buffet<br />

Breakfast $<br />

6.99<br />

$<br />

6.99<br />

$<br />

6.99<br />

$<br />

6.99<br />

$<br />

6.99<br />

$<br />

6.99<br />

Buffet 6:30 - 10am 6:30 - 10am 6:30 - 10am 6:30 - 10am 6:30 - 10am 6:30 - 10am<br />

$<br />

6.99 Sirloin Steak Fried Haddock Baked Lasagna Full Size 20% Off 16in. 1 topping<br />

7am - noon Dinner Dinner<br />

$<br />

9.99<br />

$<br />

Dinner Wings Appetizers Pizza<br />

9.99<br />

$<br />

9.99<br />

$<br />

1.00/each<br />

4:00 - 9:00pm 4:00 - 9:00pm<br />

4:00 - 10pm<br />

$<br />

9.99<br />

4:00 - 9:00pm 4:00 - 9:00pm<br />

4:00 - 10pm<br />

~ 10% OFF for ALL SENIORS EVERYDAY! ~<br />

MARCH<br />

ENTERTAINMENT<br />

Karaoke Every<br />

Thursday Night 7-10pm<br />

Saturday <strong>March</strong> 16 th<br />

Live Music by OCD<br />

Saturday, <strong>March</strong> 30 th<br />

Live Music by<br />

THE VEGGIES<br />

DJ Scott Every Friday Night<br />

All Entertainment in Lounge 9pm - 1am<br />

EASTER BUFFET<br />

April 21st<br />

in our Grand Ballroom<br />

Call<br />

Adults Seniors under 10<br />

$<br />

22.95 $<br />

19.99<br />

$<br />

9.99<br />

207.330.3782<br />

follow us on Facebook<br />

for daily specials<br />

COME IN FROM<br />

THE COLD<br />

Come & stay with us<br />

for the night or two<br />

for reservations<br />

490 Pleasant St. Lewiston • in the Ramada<br />

Did You Know? Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed.<br />

F<br />

$

“Any growth requires a temporary loss of security.” — Madeline Hunter<br />

TUXEDO HEADQUARTERS<br />

from classic to unique, we have what you’re looking for.<br />

S&J Tuxedo<br />

located INSIDE Sarah Jeanne’s<br />

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 207-795-6778<br />

Sarah Jeanne’s • 77 Sabattus St, Lewiston • Family Hair Care & Tanning • Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental<br />

www.sandjtuxedos.com<br />

Jimbo’s<br />

Golf Lesson<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

At the end of Jimbo’s<br />

tenth and final golf<br />

lesson, he asked<br />

the pro how he<br />

performed.<br />

“Well,” replied the<br />

Pro, “you’ll never<br />

be a pro, but you<br />

can get personal<br />

enjoyment out of<br />

the game and the<br />

exercise will do you<br />

good.<br />

“What should I be<br />

working on?” asked<br />

Jimbo.<br />

“Your main problem<br />

is, you’re too close<br />

to the ball after you<br />

swing.”<br />

Y<br />

t<br />

ing<br />

s<br />

a<br />

Anyone can find the dirt in someone, be the one to find the gold.<br />

$<br />

29 initial visit<br />

includes consult, exam, & adjustment<br />

MAINE’S ONLY<br />

MEMBERSHIP CHIROPRACTOR<br />

Future visits as low as $20 with membership<br />

See website for details<br />

www.207chiro.com<br />

34 Center St. Auburn<br />

(207) 401-2000<br />

439 Lewiston Rd. Topsham<br />

Despite the forecast, live like it’s spring.<br />

Dr. Jeff Clark treats<br />

his patient in his<br />

Auburn office<br />

Un-real<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

An Irishman, by the<br />

name of O’Malley<br />

proposed to his girl on<br />

St. Patrick’s Day. He<br />

gave her a ring with<br />

a synthetic diamond.<br />

The excited young<br />

lass showed it to her<br />

father, a jeweler. He<br />

took one look at it and<br />

saw it wasn’t real.<br />

Learning it wasn’t real<br />

the girl returned to<br />

her future husband,<br />

protesting vehemently<br />

about his cheapness.<br />

“‘It was in honor of<br />

St. Patrick’s Day,” he<br />

smiled.<br />

“I gave you a ‘sham’<br />

rock.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 11

Accountant<br />

Exam<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Patrick wanted to be<br />

an accountant, so he<br />

went and took the<br />

Irish accountancy<br />

exam.<br />

Examiner: If I give<br />

you two rabbits<br />

and then I give you<br />

another two rabbits,<br />

how many rabbits do<br />

you have?<br />

Patrick: Five.<br />

Examiner: No, listen<br />

carefully again. If I<br />

give you two rabbits<br />

and then I give you<br />

another two rabbits,<br />

how many rabbits<br />

have you got?<br />

Patrick: Five.<br />

Examiner: Let’s try<br />

this another way. If I<br />

give you two bottles<br />

of beer and then I<br />

give you another two<br />

bottles of beer, how<br />

many bottles of beer<br />

have you got?<br />

Patrick: Four.<br />

Examiner: Good!<br />

Now, if I give you two<br />

rabbits and then I<br />

give you another two<br />

rabbits, how many<br />

rabbits have you got?<br />

Patrick: Five.<br />

Examiner: How on<br />

earth do you work<br />

out that two lots of<br />

two rabbits is five?<br />

Paddy: I’ve already<br />

got one rabbit at<br />

home.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

12<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

I had the RIGHT to remain silent... but being Irish, I didn’t have the ABILITY.<br />

My favorite weather is bird chirping weather.<br />

Be the energy you want to attract.<br />

15<br />

Le<br />

M<br />

o<br />

Su<br />

Po<br />

ma<br />

grav<br />

S<br />

Bl<br />

Su<br />

H<br />

S<br />

ma<br />

Lobs<br />

Su<br />

C<br />

bo<br />

OR<br />

mas<br />

Spike<br />

Su<br />

She<br />

w<br />

Spi<br />

Su<br />

M<br />

mash<br />

vegg<br />

Spiked

1567 Lisbon Street<br />

Lewiston<br />

777-6353<br />

Come see us on<br />

St. Paddy’s Day,<br />

<strong>March</strong> 17 th , & enjoy<br />

our Irish specials!<br />

Sunday - 3rd Monday - 4th<br />

Pot Roast w/ American Chop<br />

mashed potatoes, Suey w/ garlic<br />

gravy & garlic toast<br />

$<br />

9 .99<br />

toast<br />

$<br />

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Sunday - 10th Monday - 11th Tuesday - 12th Wednesday - 13th Thursday - 14th<br />

Hot Turkey Spaghetti w/ Beef Stuffed Baked<br />

Sandwich w/ meat sauce &<br />

Salmon w/ rice, Haddock w/<br />

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mashed & gravy garlic toast<br />

pickled beets lobster sauce, rice,<br />

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7 .99<br />

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veggies & garlic toast<br />

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Mary $ 10<br />

Sunday - 17th Monday -18th<br />

Corned Beef Meat Lasagna<br />

boiled dinner w/ garlic toast &<br />

OR Bangers & salad<br />

mashed w/ garlic toast $<br />

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Watermelon Strawberry<br />

Lemonade $ 5<br />

Raspberry Spiked Tonic $ 5<br />

Monday - 25th<br />

Stuffed Shells<br />

w/ garlic toast<br />

$<br />

7 .99<br />

Strawberry spike seltzer $ 5<br />

Tuesday - 5th<br />

Shrimp, Sausage<br />

& Chicken<br />

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gridironrestaurant.com<br />

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Saturday - 2nd<br />

Chicken Pot<br />

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puff pastry<br />

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Haddock Fish Shrimp Garlic Beef Pot Pie<br />

& Chips w/ FF Mac & Cheese w/ rice & puff<br />

& coleslaw w/ garlic toast pastry<br />

$<br />

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Lobster Mac<br />

& Cheese<br />

$<br />

9 .99<br />

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Mac & Cheese<br />

w/ garlic toast<br />

$<br />

9 .99<br />

Half & Half Spiked Tea $ 5<br />

Blue Raspberry Lemonade Rasp. Spiked Lemonade $ 5 Blueberry Spiked Lemonade $ 5 Peach Spiked Lemonade $ 5 Cherry Spiked Lemonade $ 5<br />

$ 5<br />

Tuesday - 19th<br />

Chili Burrito<br />

w/ rice<br />

$<br />

8 .99<br />

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Salmon<br />

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Wednesday - 20th Thursday - 21st<br />

Salmon Pie w/ Lobster Stuffed<br />

white sauce, pickled<br />

beets & garlic<br />

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toast veggie & garlic toast<br />

$<br />

9 .99 $<br />

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Blueberry spiked tonic $ 5<br />

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Tuesday - 26th Wednesday - 27th Thursday - 28th<br />

Chicken Salmon Fish Baked Haddock<br />

topped w/ cajun shrimp<br />

Quesadilla & Chips w/ FF<br />

sauce w/ rice, veggie &<br />

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pastry<br />

$<br />

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Saturday - 30th<br />

Chicken Pot<br />

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Spiked Peach Sweet Tea $ 5<br />

Thank you LA & beyond!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 13

Out ‘n About at<br />

Saint Dominic<br />

Academy<br />

for the Winter Carnival<br />

Hi Mom!<br />

“It was one of those <strong>March</strong> days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold.”<br />

— Charles Dickens<br />

Chapter 11<br />

HOLIDAY BARGAIN OUTLET<br />

“A Little Bit of Everything”<br />

Gabby Adams<br />

Fancy<br />

meeting you here,<br />

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us out!<br />

• Cosmetics<br />

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• Clothing OPEN year round!<br />

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5<br />

OP<br />

O<br />

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f<br />

A kind word never broke anyone’s mouth. — Irish Proverb<br />

Nicole & Gabby<br />

Adams<br />

Remember<br />

these days,<br />

guys?<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

14<br />

St. Dom’s<br />

varsity hockey<br />

players with<br />

elementary<br />

students<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Wake up and smell the inspiration.

Ireland: It’s the one place on earth that heaven has kissed with melody, mirth,<br />

and meadow and mist.<br />

Better Today<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

A great old man<br />

was celebrating his<br />

100th birthday, got<br />

a visit from the local<br />

television station at<br />

the nursing home to<br />

interview him.<br />

The reporter asked,<br />

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out and walk much?”<br />

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Relatives<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A pregnant Irish woman<br />

from Dublin gets<br />

in a car accident and<br />

falls into a deep coma.<br />

Asleep for nearly six<br />

months, when she<br />

wakes up she sees<br />

that she is no longer<br />

pregnant and frantically<br />

asks the doctor<br />

about her baby.<br />

The doctor replies,<br />

“Ma’am you had<br />

twins! A boy and a<br />

girl. Your brother from<br />

Cork came in and<br />

named them.”<br />

The woman thinks to<br />

herself, “Oh no, not<br />

my brother, he’s an<br />

idiot!” She asks the<br />

doctor, ‘What’s the<br />

girl’s name?”<br />

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Be a pineapple. Stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet.<br />

“Denise,” the doctor<br />

replied.<br />

“That’s not a bad<br />

name, I like it! What’s<br />

the boy’s name?”<br />

“Denephew.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 15

Fairly Well<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

I recently picked a<br />

new primary care<br />

physician. After two<br />

visits and exhaustive<br />

lab tests, he said<br />

I was doing “fairly<br />

well” for my age.<br />

A little concerned<br />

about that comment,<br />

I couldn’t resist<br />

asking him, “Do you<br />

think I’ll live to be<br />

80?”<br />

He asked, “Do you<br />

smoke tobacco or<br />

drink beer or wine?”<br />

“Oh no,” I replied.<br />

“I’m not doing drugs<br />

either.”<br />

Then he asked,<br />

“Do you eat rib-eye<br />

steaks and barbecued<br />

ribs?”<br />

I said, “No, my other<br />

doctor said that all<br />

red meat is very<br />

unhealthy.”<br />

“Do you spend a lot<br />

of time in the sun,<br />

like playing golf,<br />

sailing, hiking, or<br />

bicycling?”<br />

“No, I don’t,” I said.<br />

He asked, “Do you<br />

gamble or drive fast<br />

cars?”<br />

“No,” I said. “I don’t<br />

do any of those<br />

things.<br />

”He looked at me<br />

and said, “Then why<br />

do you want to live to<br />

be 80?”<br />

“Everyone thinks they have the best dog. And none of them are wrong.” — W.R. Purche<br />

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Mia was so excited about<br />

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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

16 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

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I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 17

Out ‘n About at<br />

Saint Dominic<br />

Academy<br />

for the Winter Carnival<br />

Just trying to show<br />

my mom that I can sit<br />

still.<br />

Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.<br />

CUMMINGS ROAD BRIDGE REPLACEMENT<br />

CUMMINGS<br />

CUMMINGS<br />

KICKS OFF ROAD<br />

ROAD<br />

FOUR BRIDGE<br />

BRIDGE<br />

YEARS OF REPLACEMENT<br />

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KICKS OFF FOUR YEARS PORTLAND OF PORTLAND<br />

KICKS AREA OFF TURNPIKE AREA<br />

FOUR<br />

TURNPIKE<br />

YEARS IMPROVEMENTS.<br />

OF PORTLAND<br />

AREA TURNPIKE IMPROVEMENTS.<br />

Trevor Guimand<br />

P<br />

P<br />

AN AM RAILWAYS<br />

AN AM RAILWAYS<br />

BRIDGES<br />

BRIDGES<br />

WE WILL BE REPAIRING AND<br />

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AN AM RAILWAYS IMPROVING THE BRIDGES<br />

IMPROVING THE BRIDGES<br />

BRIDGES THAT CARRY TRAFFIC OVER<br />

THAT CARRY TRAFFIC THE OVER PAN AM RAILWAYS LINE<br />

THE<br />

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REPAIRING<br />

AND WIDENING LINE<br />

AND<br />

THE SPANS<br />

AND IMPROVING WIDENING THE THE BRIDGES TO SPANS THREE LANES IN EACH<br />

TO THAT THREE CARRY LANES TRAFFIC IN DIRECTION. EACH OVER<br />

DIRECTION.<br />

THE PAN AM RAILWAYS LINE<br />

AND WIDENING THE SPANS<br />

TO THREE LANES IN EACH<br />

DIRECTION.<br />

W<br />

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ARREN AVENUE ARREN AVENUE<br />

BRIDGES BRIDGES<br />

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THE PORTLAND<br />

AREA WIDENING<br />

S TROUDWATER RIVER PROGRAM. BRIDGES<br />

S<br />

WHERE THE PIKE CROSSES THE STROUDWATER<br />

TROUDWATER RIVER BRIDGES<br />

RIVER, WIDENING EACH OF THE TWO BRIDGES<br />

WHERE THE PIKE<br />

TO THREE<br />

CROSSES<br />

LANES<br />

THE<br />

GIVES<br />

STROUDWATER<br />

US AN OPPORTUNITY TO<br />

RIVER, WIDENING MAKE IMPORTANT EACH OF THE REPAIRS TWO AND BRIDGES IMPROVEMENTS,<br />

TO STHREE TROUDWATER LANES HERE GIVES AS WELL. RIVER US AN BRIDGES OPPORTUNITY TO<br />

MAKE WHERE IMPORTANT THE PIKE CROSSES REPAIRS AND THE IMPROVEMENTS,<br />

STROUDWATER<br />

HERE RIVER, AS WIDENING WELL. EACH OF THE TWO BRIDGES<br />

TO THREE LANES GIVES US AN OPPORTUNITY TO<br />

MAKE IMPORTANT REPAIRS AND IMPROVEMENTS,<br />

HERE AS WELL.<br />

James Pushee<br />

& Ben Carleton<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

18<br />

We’re gonna<br />

be famous?<br />

Anna Theriault<br />

& Lauren Naous<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

UMMINGS ROAD BRIDGE<br />

THIS 65-YEAR-OLD BRIDGE<br />

WILL BE REPLACED BY A NEW,<br />

C UMMINGS ROAD FOUR-LANE BRIDGEOVERPASS THAT<br />

THIS 65-YEAR-OLD WILL BRIDGE BE LONGER AND WIDER.<br />

WILL BE REPLACED BY EXPECT A NEW, ALTERNATING ONE-LANE<br />

TRAFFIC, NIGHT CLOSURES, AND<br />

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WILL BE LONGER AND WIDER.<br />

THIS 65-YEAR-OLD DETOUR. BRIDGE<br />

EXPECT ALTERNATING ONE-LANE<br />

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TRAFFIC, NIGHT CLOSURES, AND<br />

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WILL BE LONGER AND WIDER.<br />

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EXPECT ALTERNATING ONE-LANE<br />

TRAFFIC, NIGHT CLOSURES, AND<br />

ONE WEEKEND CLOSURE WITH<br />

DETOUR.<br />

MAINE TURNPIKE MILE 44-49<br />

REPAIRING, IMPROVING, AND WIDENING<br />

THIS FIVE-MILE STRETCH OF THE<br />

TURNPIKE FROM FOUR LANES TO SIX<br />

MAINE WILL TURNPIKE REDUCE CONGESTION MILE 44-49AND MAKE<br />

THE “PORTLAND MAINLINE” SAFER<br />

REPAIRING, IMPROVING, AND WIDENING<br />

FOR OUR CUSTOMERS.<br />

THIS FIVE-MILE STRETCH OF THE<br />

TURNPIKE FROM FOUR LANES TO SIX<br />

MAINE TURNPIKE MILE 44-49<br />

WILL REDUCE CONGESTION AND MAKE<br />

THE REPAIRING, “PORTLAND IMPROVING, MAINLINE” AND WIDENING<br />

he original, 1947 Maine Turnpike, was extended from Portland to Augusta in 1955. SAFER After more than<br />

T<br />

THIS FOR FIVE-MILE OUR CUSTOMERS.<br />

STRETCH OF THE<br />

six decades, it’s time to make significant repairs and improvements.<br />

TURNPIKE FROM FOUR LANES TO SIX<br />

It includes widening the section of Turnpike from Mile WILL 44 to REDUCE Mile 49—starting CONGESTION in 2020—as AND MAKE well as<br />

upgrading Turnpike bridges throughout the corridor and THE making “PORTLAND other improvements MAINLINE” along SAFER the way.<br />

The original, 1947 Maine Turnpike, was extended from Portland to Augusta in 1955. After more than six decades, it’s time<br />

he original, 1947 Maine Turnpike, was extended from Portland to Augusta FOR OUR in 1955. CUSTOMERS.<br />

to make significant repairs and All improvements. four bridge projects will be under construction in <strong>2019</strong>. All told, the<br />

After more than<br />

T six decades, it’s time to make significant repairs and improvements.<br />

It includes widening the section<br />

improvements<br />

of Turnpike from<br />

on<br />

Mile<br />

the<br />

44<br />

five-mile<br />

to Mile 49—starting<br />

stretch may<br />

in<br />

include<br />

2020—as well<br />

many<br />

as<br />

as<br />

upgrading<br />

a dozen<br />

Turnpike<br />

It includes widening individual the section projects of and Turnpike will take from several Mile years, 44 to but Mile the 49—starting benefits will be<br />

bridges throughout the corridor and making other improvements along the way.<br />

in 2020—as well as<br />

upgrading he original, Turnpike 1947 substantial: bridges Maine a throughout Turnpike, safer, smoother was corridor extended highway and from reduced making Portland traffic other to congestion— improvements Augusta in 1955. along After the more way. than<br />

All four Tbridge projects will be paid under for construction 100 percent in <strong>2019</strong>. by Turnpike All told, the tolls. improvements on the five-mile stretch may include<br />

six decades, it’s time to make significant repairs and improvements.<br />

as many All as four a dozen bridge individual projects will and be will under take several construction years, but the in benefits <strong>2019</strong>. will All be told, substantial: the a safer, smoother<br />

Please drive carefully through construction zones,<br />

highway improvements It and includes reduced widening traffic on congestion—paid the the five-mile section stretch of Turnpike may include from Mile as many 44 to as Mile a dozen<br />

and visit MaineTurnpike.com<br />

for 100 percent by Turnpike<br />

for more<br />

tolls.<br />

details. 49—starting in 2020—as well as<br />

Please drive individual upgrading carefully projects through Turnpike construction and bridges will zones, take throughout several years, the corridor but the and benefits making will other be improvements along the way.<br />

and visit substantial: a safer, smoother highway and reduced traffic congestion—<br />

Safe | Reliable | Sustainable<br />

paid<br />

All MaineTurnpike.com four<br />

for<br />

bridge<br />

100 percent<br />

projects for more details.<br />

by<br />

will<br />

Turnpike<br />

be under<br />

tolls.<br />

construction in <strong>2019</strong>. All told, the<br />

improvements on the five-mile stretch may include as many as a dozen<br />

Please individual drive projects carefully and will through take several construction years, but zones, the benefits will be<br />

and substantial: visit MaineTurnpike.com MTA.WideningAd.6.7083.v1.indd a safer, smoother Life is highway short. 1for more and Smile details. reduced while traffic you congestion— still have teeth.<br />

1/14/19 3:08 PM<br />

paid for 100 percent by Turnpike tolls.<br />

Safe | Reliable | Sustainable<br />

Please drive carefully through construction zones,<br />

and visit MaineTurnpike.com for more details.<br />

MTA.WideningAd.6.7083.v1.indd 1<br />

C<br />

Safe | Reliable | Sustainable<br />

1/14/19 3:08 PM

There is nothing in this world as sharp as an Irish woman’s tongue.<br />

Backup<br />

Plan<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Two elderly ladies<br />

run into each other<br />

at the drug store<br />

after not seeing one<br />

another for some<br />

time. After inquiring<br />

about each other’s<br />

health, one asked<br />

how the other’s husband<br />

was doing.<br />

“Oh! Harold died last<br />

week. He went out to<br />

the garden to dig up<br />

a couple potato’s for<br />

dinner, had a heart<br />

attack and dropped<br />

dead right there in<br />

the middle of the<br />

garden!”<br />

It’s a slow process, but quitting won’t speed it up.<br />

Out ‘n About at Saint Dominic Academy for the Winter Carnival<br />

“Oh dear! I’m very<br />

sorry.” replied her<br />

friend, “What did you<br />

do?”<br />

“I opened a can of<br />

baked beans<br />

instead.”<br />

Flight Risk<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

le<br />

19 3:08 PM<br />

Bethany Fox & Lincoln Early<br />

Did You Know? The typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year.<br />

During emergency<br />

landing training,<br />

I asked my flight<br />

instructor how to<br />

handle a night<br />

emergency.<br />

He said, “Same way.<br />

Set up for maximum<br />

glide as you look<br />

for a place to set it<br />

down. Just before<br />

you land, turn on<br />

your landing light.<br />

If you like what you<br />

see, go ahead and<br />

land. If you don’t,<br />

turn the landing<br />

lights off.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 19<br />

M

Just call<br />

me the Fonzie of<br />

L/A!<br />

Cooper<br />

Farms<br />

THE AMERICAN LEGION<br />

FAMILY<br />

HOURS M/T/W: 1pm - close<br />

Th/F/Sat. noon to close • Sun. 11am to<br />

Are you close a Veteran?<br />

Want to help others?<br />

Ask us how you can become a member!<br />

Hall Rentals Available<br />

Call for more information<br />

207-782-1118<br />

Post153AmericanLegionAuburnME<br />

Fruits & Vegetables<br />

Apples & Meats<br />

Available<br />

Wholesale & Retail<br />

27 Bethel Road<br />

West Paris<br />

207-674-2200<br />

I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention.<br />

William J. Rogers Post 153<br />

71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118<br />

Members & Guests Welcome<br />

ST. PADDY’S DAY DINNER<br />

Shake your shamrocks.<br />

Poisson & Sons Auto Care Inc.<br />

260 S. Main Street, Auburn 207.782.9144<br />

FULL SERVICE GAS STATION<br />

We’ll pump your gas, check your<br />

fluids & registration date!<br />

<strong>March</strong> stickers<br />

are due!<br />

4:30 - 6:30pm<br />

SAT., MARCH 16 TH $<br />

8/adult $ 4/child under10<br />

MUSIC, KARAOKE & DANCE w/ JEAN LOUIS<br />

FRIDAY & SATURDAY 7-11pm in <strong>March</strong><br />

Jerry Joe - <strong>March</strong> 8th & 22nd • 4:30 - 6:30pm<br />

BREAKFAST BUFFET<br />

SUNDAY MARCH 17 TH • 8 - 10am<br />

Benefits Odyssey of<br />

the Mind<br />

MONTHLY MEETING<br />

WEDNESDAY MARCH 20 TH • 7pm<br />

AUXILLARY SPAGHETTI DINNER<br />

SATURDAY MARCH 2ND • 4:30 -6:30PM<br />

Corned Beef,<br />

Potatoes, Cabbage,<br />

Carrots & Dessert<br />

(weather permitting)<br />

$<br />

7/Adult,<br />

$<br />

4/children<br />

under 10<br />

50/50 Raffle & attending<br />

members have a chance<br />

to win $100, $50 or $25<br />

$<br />

8/Adult,<br />

$<br />

4/children 10<br />

& under<br />

Auto Repairs • Maintenance • Inspections • K1 • Alignments<br />

Computer Diagnostics • State Inspections & More!<br />

E<br />

Aaaayyy!<br />

My maturity level depends on who I’m with.<br />

Tell us you saw us in <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

Proudly serving LA for 43 years!<br />

Eat-In or Take-Out<br />

e<br />

563 CENTER ST. AUBURN<br />

GEORGESPIZZA.COM<br />

Employment Opportunities<br />

Full or Part time - Possible Flex hours<br />

Please apply in person<br />

W<br />

W<br />

C<br />

N<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

20 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Laugh as much as you breath, love as much as you live.

ge,<br />

ert<br />

ng<br />

ce<br />

25<br />

3<br />

8<br />

MAINE’S #1 STEAKHOUSE<br />

t,<br />

en<br />

0<br />

0<br />

.<br />

ts<br />

!<br />

EVERY MONDAY<br />

20% OFF<br />

All Burgers<br />

30% OFF<br />

All Drafts<br />

MARCH<br />

MADNESS!<br />

Come watch you favorite sporting<br />

event with us! 11 TV’s 16 Beers on tap<br />

& full menu available ALL the time!<br />

ST. PADDY’S DAY SPECIAL<br />

Bangers & Mashed<br />

or Corned Beef &<br />

Cabbage<br />

s<br />

We Cater!<br />

Weddings, Banquets, Birthdays,<br />

Corporate Parties, and more!<br />

No event too BIG or SMALL...<br />

We cater it ALL!<br />

Mac’s<br />

offers the best<br />

catering service<br />

around!<br />

Join us for<br />

some St. Paddy’s Day<br />

cheer!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 21<br />

...with<br />

Jimbo

Out ‘n About at<br />

Saint Dominic<br />

Academy<br />

for the Winter Carnival<br />

“Your feet will bring you where your heart is.” — Irish Proverb<br />

Main Street Music Lessons<br />

207-376-3376<br />

L/A’S MUSIC HEADQUARTERS<br />

Sophia Asselin<br />

Arts &<br />

crafts is where<br />

it’s at.<br />

WE’VE TRIPLED<br />

OUR SPACE TO BETTER<br />

SERVE YOU!<br />

New address:<br />

33 Dunn St., Auburn • 207-376-3376<br />

www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com<br />

Young Mr. Patel<br />

Jace Pelletier<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

22 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Main Street Music Lessons<br />

207-376-3376<br />

CHECK OUT OUR<br />

NEW LOCATION!<br />

Sorry, I can’t. I have plans with my dog.<br />

se<br />

20

Next time I lose my mind, I’m not even going to look for it anymore.<br />

Mail Order<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Two Irish men,<br />

Kearney and O’Riordan<br />

were looking at<br />

a Mail order catalog<br />

and admiring the<br />

models. Kearney remarks<br />

to O’Riordan,<br />

“Have you seen the<br />

beautiful girls in this<br />

catalog?”<br />

O’Riordan replies,<br />

“Yes, they are very<br />

beautiful. And look at<br />

the price.”<br />

We have a wide<br />

selection of CBD products<br />

for you & your pets!<br />

@afterhourssmokeshop<br />

Bella, Marley, & Wrangler<br />

Life is<br />

better with the<br />

<strong>Digest</strong>!<br />

Two great businesses<br />

under one roof<br />

20% OFF<br />

with this ad<br />

If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough.<br />

@207THC<br />

207.795.7600 • 25 Lisbon St. Lewiston, ME • 207.740.9053<br />

Kearney says, with<br />

wide eyes, “Wow,<br />

they aren’t very<br />

expensive. At this<br />

price, I’m buying<br />

one.”<br />

O’Riordan, smiles<br />

and pats him on the<br />

back. “Good idea.<br />

Order one and if<br />

she’s as beautiful as<br />

she is in the catalogue,<br />

I will get one,<br />

too.”<br />

Three weeks later,<br />

Kearney, the youngest<br />

of the two asks<br />

his friend, “Did you<br />

ever receive the girl<br />

you ordered from<br />

that catalog?”<br />

O’Riordan replies<br />

with a glint in his<br />

eye, “No, but it<br />

shouldn’t be long<br />

now, she sent all her<br />

clothes yesterday.”<br />

Did You Know?<br />

Babies’ eyes do not<br />

produce tears until<br />

the baby is approximately<br />

six to eight<br />

weeks old.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 23

Evolution of<br />

Medicine<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Hello <strong>March</strong>! Let spring begin.<br />

“Doctor, I have an<br />

ear ache.”<br />

2000 B.C.<br />

“Here, eat this root.”<br />

1000 B.C.<br />

“That root is heathen,<br />

say this<br />

prayer.”<br />

1850 A.D.<br />

“That prayer is superstition,<br />

drink this<br />

potion.”<br />

1940 A.D.<br />

“That potion is snake<br />

oil, swallow this pill.”<br />

1985 A.D.<br />

“That pill is ineffective,<br />

take this<br />

antibiotic.”<br />

2000 A.D.<br />

“That antibiotic isn’t<br />

100% natural. Here,<br />

eat this root!”<br />

Title<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Imagine my surprise<br />

when I went to<br />

Tipler Army Medical<br />

Center for a heart<br />

bypass operation<br />

and discovered my<br />

surgeon’s name was<br />

Dr. Eror.<br />

Co<br />

C<br />

2<br />

“What a name for a<br />

doctor,” I said, “Not<br />

sure whether to<br />

laugh or cry.”<br />

“Yeah,” he agreed.<br />

“You can imagine the<br />

reaction I got when I<br />

was a major.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

24 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Did You Know? The ostrich has a 46-foot long small intestine.

<strong>March</strong> winds and April showers bring forth May flowers.<br />

Out ‘n About<br />

in L/A<br />

Elly, how<br />

did you get to be<br />

so cute?<br />

Auburn Housing Authority is now accepting applications<br />

for 62 Spring St!!<br />

Connelly Jarman<br />

with her mom,<br />

Kayla Marston<br />

There are seven days in a week. Someday isn’t one of them.<br />

Come & Enjoy Our Everyday Specials!<br />

MONDAY<br />

75¢ Wings<br />

Cheeseburger Special<br />

$<br />

5.99<br />

25oz domestic drafts $ 3.50<br />

WEDNESDAY<br />

Mexican Day<br />

3 Beef Tacos $ 4.99<br />

Thatcher’s Burrito $ 6.99<br />

$<br />

5 Well Margaritas<br />

$<br />

3 Coronas<br />

FRIDAY<br />

Fish & Chips<br />

$<br />

9.99<br />

Teriyaki tips $ 11.99<br />

with Mashed<br />

SUNDAY<br />

12” cheese pizza $ 5.99<br />

TUESDAY<br />

75¢ Wings<br />

Thatcher’s Burger<br />

BBQ sauce, cheddar, caramelized onions<br />

$<br />

7.99<br />

25oz domestic drafts $ 3.50<br />

THURSDAY<br />

Stuffed Peppers $ 7.99<br />

Buffalo Chicken Salad $ 8.99<br />

$<br />

4.00 microbrews<br />

SATURDAY<br />

Fried Scallops $ 13.99<br />

2 Hotdogs w/fries $ 5.99<br />

$<br />

2.50 Miller Lite bottles<br />

$<br />

5 Well Bloody Mary’s • $ 2 Bud Drafts<br />

St. Paddy’s Day<br />

Corned Beef ‘N’ Cabbage Dinner<br />

$<br />

9.99<br />

Happy St. Patrick’s Day<br />

to all of our Irish<br />

friends!<br />

“A place where family &<br />

friends gather for good food &<br />

cheer at great prices!”<br />

Auburn Mall<br />

207-782-2135<br />

Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm; Sun. 11am - 5pm<br />

Introducing myself to new girlfriends parents: “Hi, I usually don’t make it this far.”<br />

Well,<br />

mom, I’m only<br />

two and that’s a<br />

really deep question.<br />

But off the top of<br />

my head, I’d say it all<br />

started when you called<br />

daddy that bad name at<br />

Thomas College. At<br />

least that’s what<br />

Grampy said.<br />

Connelly Jarman<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 25

No Good<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.<br />

A Swiss man, on<br />

holiday in Dublin,<br />

needed directions.<br />

He was standing<br />

outside Davy Byrne’s<br />

pub when he saw two<br />

youths walking by so<br />

he stops them and<br />

asks, “Entschuldigung,<br />

koennen Sie<br />

Deutsch sprechen?”<br />

The two lads look at<br />

each other blankly<br />

and stare back at<br />

him.<br />

“Excusez-moi, parlez<br />

vous Français?” He<br />

tries. The two continue<br />

to stare.<br />

“Parlare Italiano?”<br />

Still absolutely no<br />

response from the<br />

two lads.<br />

“Hablan ustedes<br />

Espanol?” The Dublin<br />

lads remain totally<br />

silent. The Swiss guy<br />

walks off extremely<br />

disappointed and<br />

downhearted that<br />

he had not been<br />

understood.<br />

Take egg whites seriously. They’re no yolk.<br />

Now is the time to schedule your pool opening!<br />

Call Today! 783-0858<br />

One of the boys turns<br />

to the second and<br />

says, “Y’know, maybe<br />

we should learn a<br />

foreign language!”<br />

S<br />

“Why?” says the<br />

youth, “That guy<br />

knew four languages,<br />

and it didn’t do him<br />

any good!”<br />

Did You Know?<br />

The average person’s<br />

field of vision<br />

encompasses a<br />

200-degree wide<br />

angle.<br />

1975 Lisbon St. Rte. 196 Lewiston<br />

783-0858 or 1-800-244-0858<br />

www.abcpool.com<br />

HOURS:<br />

Tues. - Fri. 9a - 5p<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

26 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.” - Steven Wright

My son said “I got a D in math” and I was like “That’s really bad”. My wife said,<br />

“You need to stop doing his homework.”<br />

Out ‘n About at<br />

Saint Dominic<br />

Academy<br />

for the Winter Carnival<br />

Sunday - Thursday 3 - 10pm<br />

Friday & Saturday 3 - 11pm<br />

EST. 2017<br />

RESTAURANT & PUB<br />

Special Offers All Weekend<br />

<strong>March</strong> 15th - 17th<br />

Opening at noon on<br />

St. Paddy’s Day!<br />

Stop in for happy hour specials<br />

2 Main St. Lisbon Falls • (207) 407-4606<br />

AJ<br />

Love bird<br />

Flash back<br />

We will help you Simplify Payroll.<br />

MEET Briana and Kim, New Account Liaisons<br />

With our team, switching is easy.<br />

payrollmgt.com 783-6880<br />

Tim & Vickie Rucker<br />

Since<br />

1954<br />

Rollodrome<br />

SK8 SCHEDULE<br />

Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm<br />

Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00<br />

Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm<br />

Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm<br />

Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 9:30pm<br />

Available<br />

for Private<br />

Parties!<br />

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940<br />

www.rollodrome.com<br />

In A Minute<br />

Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />

Tim was getting irate<br />

and shouted upstairs<br />

to his wife, Vickie.<br />

“Hurry up or we’ll be<br />

late.”<br />

“Oh, be quiet,” replied<br />

Vickie, “Haven’t<br />

I been telling you for<br />

the last hour that I’ll<br />

be ready in a<br />

minute?”<br />

“Live life to the fullest, and focus on the positive.” – Matt Cameron<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 27

Out ‘n About at<br />

Saint Dominic<br />

Academy<br />

for the Winter Carnival<br />

Blue is<br />

my favorite<br />

color.<br />

If you do not know what you’re doing, do it neatly.<br />

Spring is in the air...<br />

time to make your move!<br />

The Ronfeldt’s<br />

w/ St. Dom’s<br />

hockey player,<br />

Lucy Frenette<br />

314 Center Street Auburn<br />

207.333.6001 • mainesourcehomes.com<br />

Home Ownership<br />

made simple!<br />

Design-Build-Finance •<br />

Turn-Key Packages •<br />

Single or Multi-Level Homes •<br />

One Loan •<br />

(No Construction Loan Needed)<br />

Tired of paying<br />

rent? Call us today!<br />

Mom, Maine is<br />

just a great place<br />

to live!<br />

Jon Mercier<br />

Owner/Broker<br />

Mark Turner<br />

Owner/Broker<br />

Brandon Caruso<br />

Associate Broker<br />

Rod Charest<br />

Associate Broker<br />

Toni Ferraro<br />

Associate Broker<br />

Deb Morin<br />

Associate Broker<br />

Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.<br />

207.784.1541<br />

easy@easyrentall.com<br />

20 South Ave.<br />

Lewiston<br />

EasyRentAll.com<br />

LA’s Premier Rental Company<br />

We Have The Equipment You Need!<br />

• Sweepers • Loader Backhoes • Rollers<br />

• Screens & Crushers • Trench Boxes • Trailers<br />

• Chippers, Trenchers, & Grinders • Dump Trucks<br />

• Excavators, Dozers - small to large<br />

Competitive<br />

Rental<br />

Rates<br />

• Spring Clean-up Equipment<br />

• Roll-off Containers<br />

• Equipment Rentals<br />

• Storage Containers<br />

• Easy Self-Storage<br />

You name it -<br />

We most likely<br />

rent it!<br />

A<br />

W<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

28 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.<br />

“I

Thinking is hard work. One can’t bear burdens and ideas at the same time.<br />

Fake News<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

!<br />

t<br />

Out ‘n About at Saint Dominic Academy for the Winter Carnival<br />

Anne Pontbriand, Kelly Angell, Dawn Theriault & Alanna Stevenson<br />

We are looking for Licensed Electricians • Apply within<br />

The Pope is visiting<br />

Washington D.C.<br />

and President Trump<br />

takes him out for an<br />

afternoon on the Potomac,<br />

sailing on the<br />

presidential yacht.<br />

They’re admiring the<br />

sights when, all of a<br />

sudden the Pope’s<br />

hat (ecclesiastical<br />

skullcap) blows off<br />

his head and out into<br />

the water.<br />

Secret service guys<br />

start to launch a<br />

boat, but Trump<br />

waves them off,<br />

saying “Wait, wait.<br />

I’ll take care of this.<br />

Don’t worry.”<br />

Trump then steps<br />

off the yacht onto<br />

the surface of the<br />

water and walks out<br />

to the Holy Father’s<br />

little hat, bends<br />

over and picks it<br />

up, then walks back<br />

to the yacht and<br />

climbs aboard. He<br />

hands the hat to the<br />

Pope amid stunned<br />

silence.<br />

The next morning,<br />

Fox News leads with<br />

the story, “Trump<br />

Can’t Swim.”<br />

RoySnow.com<br />

207.782.3734<br />

Serving Maine since 1947<br />

11 Library Ave.<br />

Auburn<br />

“I would rather sit on a pumpkin, and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet<br />

cushion.” – Henry David Thoreau<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 29

Out ‘n About at<br />

Saint Dominic<br />

Academy<br />

for the Winter Carnival<br />

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”<br />

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thursday French Toast<br />

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“He who angers you conquers you.” – Elizabeth Kenny<br />

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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

30 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

www.smfireandwater.com<br />

www.smcarpetcleaning.com<br />

I have a bumper sticker that says, “honk if you think I’m sexy”. I just sit at green lights<br />

until I feel good about myself.<br />

Gr<br />

Fi

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m<br />

m<br />

Connelly Jarman<br />

in her new, big girl bed<br />

Does this<br />

bed make me<br />

look...<br />

The Perfect<br />

Man<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

The finalist has been<br />

named in the worldwide<br />

search for the<br />

perfect man.<br />

After careful consideration<br />

and endless<br />

debate, The Perfect<br />

Man has been<br />

named:<br />

MR. POTATO HEAD<br />

• He’s tan.<br />

JT Reid’s Guns<br />

jtreidsgunshop.com<br />

207-777-3579<br />

Large selection of firearms, ammo & accessories<br />

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• He’s cute.<br />

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• And if he looks at<br />

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Stephanie Arsenault<br />

of <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

My iPhone fell from the 5th floor. Good thing it was in airplane mode.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 31

CALL THE PROS<br />

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Learn how to shoot safely and responsibly.<br />

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• CC Permit • Basic<br />

• Advanced<br />

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Don Mailhot<br />

207-576-5131<br />

Bill Rousseau<br />

207-576-6961<br />

O<br />

Re<br />

Co<br />

Cl<br />

Ro<br />

Th<br />

9 M<br />

Premier Commercial Cleaning Service<br />

16+ years Experience • Attention to Detail<br />

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Kim Poulin ~ 207.358.9542 or 207.689.5630<br />

Kim.Poulin@theprofessionalexperience.com<br />

Nel Morin<br />

207.740.3398<br />

USFoods.com<br />

lionel.morin@usfoods.com<br />

ISLAND STYLE MAHI-MAHI<br />

This finger-food format makes them<br />

great for kids’ meals, appetizers,<br />

bar snacks – and imaginative chefs<br />

can take it from there.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

32 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.<br />

But now it’s just water under the fridge.<br />

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590 Plains Rd., Poland • (207) 998-2374<br />

The only thing we don’t throw away is our customer service!<br />

SERVING<br />

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em<br />

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RON’S<br />

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Pleasant Street Bingo Hall<br />

475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394<br />

I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 33

CALL THE PROS<br />

26 Nickerson Ave, Auburn<br />

(behind Great Falls Credit Union)<br />

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Walk-ins Welcome<br />

Apply<br />

Within<br />

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spring/fall clean-up<br />

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207.461.4233<br />

light duty excavating & landscaping needs<br />

FREE ESTIMATES<br />

aaronstractorservices@gmail.com<br />

184 Webster St. Ste. 100<br />

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F<br />

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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

34 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is garbage.<br />

I g

ts<br />

m<br />

ARTOIS BOOKS<br />

180 Turner St. Auburn, Maine<br />

207-786-4007<br />

Closing!<br />

All books must go!<br />

Everything 75% OFF<br />

or MORE!<br />

All Religious books - FREE<br />

Paperbacks only 25¢ each!<br />

For every “10″ there are 10 “1′s”.<br />

4 Fiction<br />

4 Non Fiction<br />

4 Mystery<br />

4 Drama<br />

4 Horror<br />

4 Romance<br />

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4 History/Educational<br />

• Stephen King<br />

• Nora Roberts<br />

• James Patterson<br />

• Vintage New Releases<br />

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Below yardsale prices!<br />

Out ‘n About at Saint Dominic Academy for the Winter Carnival<br />

Jenna Brooks, Wendy Brooks, Ryan Manson, Michelle Manson & Dennis Russel<br />

FREE HEARING EXAMS!<br />

410 Main St. Lewiston 207-402-3733<br />

Call Nancy today to schedule your<br />

NO COST Hearing Screening!<br />

Nancy Whittier<br />

Board Certified – Hearing<br />

Instrument Specialist<br />

I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday, and I just can’t wait to see his face light up<br />

when he opens it!<br />

Life in<br />

Reverse<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

I want to live my next<br />

life backwards:<br />

You start out dead<br />

and get that out of<br />

the way.<br />

Then you wake up<br />

in an old age home<br />

feeling better every<br />

day. Then get kicked<br />

out for being too<br />

healthy.<br />

Enjoy your retirement<br />

and collect<br />

your pension.<br />

Then when you start<br />

work, you get a gold<br />

watch on your first<br />

day. You work 40<br />

years until college.<br />

You get ready for<br />

college, Party like a<br />

rock star.<br />

Then you go to<br />

high school, grade<br />

school, you become<br />

a kid, you play, and<br />

you have no<br />

responsibilities.<br />

Then you become a<br />

baby, and then...<br />

You spend your last<br />

9 months floating<br />

peacefully in luxury,<br />

in spa-like conditions<br />

- central heating, and<br />

room service on tap.<br />

Did You Know?<br />

In a fight between a<br />

polar bear and a lion,<br />

the polar bear would<br />

win.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 35

E<br />

Work Habits<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

The fact that I have more clothes to sleep in than to go out in, says a lot about me.<br />

One day a fisherman<br />

was lying on a beautiful<br />

beach, with his<br />

fishing pole propped<br />

up in the sand and<br />

his solitary line cast<br />

out into the sparkling<br />

blue surf. He was<br />

enjoying the warmth<br />

of the afternoon sun<br />

and the prospect of<br />

catching a fish.<br />

About that time, a<br />

businessman came<br />

walking down the<br />

beach, trying to<br />

relieve some of the<br />

stress of his workday.<br />

He noticed the fisherman<br />

sitting on the<br />

beach and decided<br />

to find out why this<br />

fisherman was fishing<br />

instead of working<br />

harder to make a<br />

living for himself and<br />

his family.<br />

“You aren’t going<br />

to catch many fish<br />

that way,” said the<br />

businessman to<br />

the fisherman, “you<br />

should be working<br />

rather than lying on<br />

the beach!”<br />

The fisherman looked<br />

up at the businessman,<br />

smiled and<br />

replied, “And what<br />

will my reward be?”<br />

“Well, you can get<br />

bigger nets and<br />

catch more fish!” was<br />

the businessman’s<br />

answer.<br />

“And then what will<br />

my reward be?”<br />

asked the fisherman,<br />

still smiling.<br />

The businessman replied,<br />

“You will make<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

36 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

When life shuts a door... open it again. It’s a door, that’s how they work.

<strong>March</strong> is the month where it is summer in the sun, and winter in the shade.<br />

Everyone is a<br />

little Irish...<br />

when eating a Heidi’s Corned<br />

Beef Sandwich or Reuben<br />

600 Turner St. Auburn<br />

207-784-3434<br />

heidisauburn.com<br />

415 Philbrook Ave. So. Portland<br />

207-773-4800<br />

heidissouthportland.com<br />

(continued from previous page)<br />

money and you’ll be<br />

able to buy a boat,<br />

which will then result<br />

in larger catches of<br />

fish!”<br />

“And then what will<br />

my reward be?”<br />

asked the fisherman<br />

again.<br />

The businessman<br />

was beginning to get<br />

a little irritated with<br />

the fisherman’s questions.<br />

“You can buy a<br />

bigger boat, and hire<br />

some people to work<br />

for you!” he said.<br />

“And then what will<br />

my reward be?” repeated<br />

the fisherman.<br />

Sarcasm, it’s how I hug.<br />

Out ‘n About with the ELHS Class of 1983<br />

at their 35th Class Reunion<br />

The businessman<br />

was getting angry.<br />

“Don’t you understand?<br />

You can build<br />

up a fleet of fishing<br />

boats, sail all over<br />

the world, and let<br />

all your employees<br />

catch fish for you!”<br />

Once again the fisherman<br />

asked, “And<br />

then what will my<br />

reward be?”<br />

The businessman<br />

was red with rage<br />

and shouted at the<br />

fisherman, “Don’t you<br />

understand that you<br />

can become so rich<br />

that you will never<br />

have to work for your<br />

living again! You can<br />

spend all the rest of<br />

your days sitting on<br />

this beach, looking at<br />

the sunset. You won’t<br />

have a care in the<br />

world!”<br />

The fisherman, still<br />

smiling, looked up<br />

and said, “And what<br />

do you think I’m doing<br />

right now?”<br />

I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 37

The Safe<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

The financial situation<br />

had been<br />

very bad for several<br />

months. Because<br />

he was out of work<br />

and destitute, a<br />

young man decided<br />

to rob a bank. After<br />

days of observation,<br />

he chose a small<br />

satellite bank facility<br />

across the metropolitan<br />

area from where<br />

he was living. He<br />

spent several days<br />

planning every move.<br />

Late one dark moonless<br />

night he picked<br />

the lock on the rear<br />

door of the bank<br />

without difficulty.<br />

He stealthily crept<br />

through the bank to<br />

the place where he<br />

knew the safe stood.<br />

Then his troubles<br />

began. While trying<br />

to pick the lock on<br />

the safe, he set off<br />

the burglar alarm,<br />

but his careful preparation<br />

paid off. He<br />

had brought along<br />

a furniture dolly. He<br />

quickly loaded the<br />

small safe onto the<br />

dolly and rolled it out<br />

to his van.<br />

He drove to a<br />

friend’s house and<br />

explained his problem.<br />

He asked if, in<br />

exchange for some<br />

of the loot, he might<br />

store the safe in the<br />

friend’s garage for a<br />

few days. His friend<br />

assured him, “You<br />

can rest assured,<br />

your safe is secret<br />

with me!”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

38<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

WELCOME TO THE<br />

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Out ‘n About at Saint Dominic Academy for the Winter Carnival<br />

Ernie Gagne & Brian Kay<br />

Make Your Arrangements Today!<br />

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SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING<br />

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My favorite weather is bird chirping weather.<br />

Andy Morin<br />

207.784.8293<br />

cell: 207.576.4714<br />

amorinexc@roadrunner.com<br />

Y<br />

K<br />

f<br />

G

YOUR VISION. OUR EXPERTISE.<br />

Kitchens • Baths • Decks • Additions & MOre!<br />

Turn Key<br />

Remodeling Company<br />

from blue print to home<br />

Girard Boucher<br />

“The earth has music for those who will listen.” — Shakesphere<br />

• Windows/Doors<br />

• Siding<br />

• Custom Tile<br />

• Lead Certified<br />

• VA Special Adaptive Housing<br />

• Handicap Accessible Projects<br />

Gimmie<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Caddying for the<br />

elderly beginner<br />

had required great<br />

patience. He was<br />

doddery, but he<br />

was dogged, and<br />

he had sworn to<br />

break 100 before the<br />

summer was out.<br />

In fact, there was a<br />

bottle of single malt<br />

whiskey riding on it;<br />

the golfer’s faithful<br />

caddie would receive<br />

it when the magic<br />

score had been<br />

broken.<br />

Then arrived a day<br />

when persistence<br />

seemed about to pay<br />

off for both player<br />

and caddie. They<br />

were on the green<br />

at the 18th and only<br />

97 strokes had been<br />

made.<br />

Player and caddie<br />

were excited and<br />

in the grip of such<br />

emotion that it was<br />

no small wonder that<br />

the player sent his<br />

first putt racing six<br />

feet past the hole.<br />

In a flash, the caddie<br />

dropped the flagstick,<br />

picked up<br />

the ball and cried<br />

excitedly, “Well<br />

done, sir! You’ve<br />

done it! You’ve done<br />

it! Anyone would give<br />

you that.”<br />

m<br />

207-212-7791<br />

www.vghomeimprovements.com<br />

The earth laughs in flowers.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 39

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

40<br />

Deadly<br />

Accurate<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A golfer set up his<br />

ball on the first tee,<br />

took a mighty swing<br />

and hit his ball into a<br />

clump of trees.<br />

He found his ball<br />

and saw an opening<br />

between two<br />

trees he thought he<br />

could hit through.<br />

He took another<br />

mighty swing with his<br />

3-wood and the ball<br />

hit a tree, bounced<br />

back, hit him on the<br />

forehead and killed<br />

him instantly.<br />

As he approached<br />

the gates of Heaven,<br />

St. Peter saw<br />

the golfer walking<br />

towards him in his<br />

golf attire and asked,<br />

“Are you a good<br />

golfer?”<br />

The golfer replied,<br />

“Got here in two,<br />

didn’t I?”<br />

Conversing<br />

Conifer<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A lumberjack went<br />

into a magic forest<br />

to cut a tree. Upon<br />

arrival, he started<br />

to swing at the tree,<br />

when it shouted,<br />

“Wait! I’m a talking<br />

tree!”<br />

The lumberjack<br />

grinned and said,<br />

“And you will dialogue.”<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship? I’m asking for a friend.<br />

Since 1953<br />

Hours: Mon. - Sat. 9a - 10p • Sun. 9a - 8p<br />

LuiggisPizzeria.com<br />

~ DAILY SPECIALS ~<br />

Everyday<br />

1 topping Pizza<br />

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$<br />

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wednesday<br />

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$<br />

7.25<br />

Monday<br />

The Fergy<br />

sm. $ 3.25 lg. $ 6.50<br />

thursday<br />

Mini Pizza<br />

1 topping $ 3.60<br />

2 toppings $ 4.45<br />

tuesday<br />

Meatball Sub<br />

sm. $ 3.75 w/cheese $ 4.25<br />

lg. $ 7.50 w/cheese $ 8.50<br />

friday<br />

$<br />

1.00 off<br />

any large pizza<br />

Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower,<br />

because the answer is yes.<br />

Did You Know? Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.<br />

Y<br />

N<br />

I<br />

Y<br />

F<br />

L<br />

o<br />

S<br />

70<br />

y<br />

Y

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time<br />

I ate a monkey.<br />

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Did you hear about the watermelon bandit? He was a little seedy.<br />

Smart<br />

Thinking<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

After the Americans<br />

went to the Moon,<br />

Paddy and Seamus<br />

announced that the<br />

Kerry Men would go<br />

one better and send<br />

a man to the sun.<br />

Murphy objected. “If<br />

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we are, stupid?”<br />

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Veteran Owned & Operated<br />

Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours they called it a day.<br />

70 Broad St. Auburn • 207-783-8471<br />

Roy’s FOODLAND<br />

www.ShopAtRoysFoodland.com<br />

Don’t forget<br />

your chicken salad,<br />

“best in town”<br />

or ham salad!<br />

Hours: Mon. - Thurs. 8am - 6pm<br />

Fri. 8am - 7pm<br />

Sat. 8am - 6pm<br />

Sun. closed<br />

Look for our Buy 1 Get 1 Specials<br />

Check out our Daily Specials<br />

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PARTY SPECIALS<br />

Pizza Packs only $ 7.99 • 2lb Pepperoni Pks only $ 5.99<br />

You ask me if I have any questions about the menu, and look at me weird after I ask<br />

you what kind of paper it’s printed on.<br />

Can’t Be<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A police officer just<br />

knocked on my door<br />

and told me my dogs<br />

are chasing people<br />

on bikes.<br />

They can’t be! My<br />

dogs don’t even own<br />

bikes!<br />

Teacher: Why did<br />

you eat your homework,<br />

Tom?<br />

Tom: Because I<br />

don’t have a dog.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 41

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

42<br />

Good<br />

Exercise<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

The room was full of<br />

pregnant women and<br />

their partners, and<br />

the Lamaze class<br />

was in full swing.<br />

The instructor was<br />

teaching the women<br />

how to breathe<br />

properly, along with<br />

informing the men<br />

how to give the necessary<br />

assurances<br />

at this stage of the<br />

plan.<br />

The teacher then<br />

announced, “Ladies,<br />

exercise is good<br />

for you. Walking is<br />

especially beneficial.<br />

And, gentlemen, it<br />

wouldn’t hurt you to<br />

take the time to go<br />

walking with your<br />

partner!”<br />

The room really got<br />

quiet.<br />

Finally, a man in the<br />

middle of the group<br />

raised his hand.<br />

“Yes?” replied the<br />

teacher. “Is it all right<br />

if she carries a golf<br />

bag while we walk?”<br />

Winning<br />

Ways<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

So after winning the<br />

game, I decided to<br />

throw the ball into<br />

the crowd, like they<br />

do on TV.<br />

Apparently, it’s unacceptable<br />

in bowling.<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

“I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.”<br />

— Homer Simpson<br />

At Gritty’s Auburn!<br />

St. Patrick’s Day Sunday, <strong>March</strong> 17<br />

• Enjoy pints of Special Oatmeal Stout<br />

• Jameson’s Caskmates IPA edition whiskey shots<br />

and a pint of IPA for $12<br />

• Kora Temple Highlanders Bagpipers & Drummers @ 7:00pm<br />

Let it be<br />

known, from here<br />

on out, I am only a<br />

Pats fan!<br />

Welcome to the TEAM<br />

Stephanie<br />

Arsenault<br />

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Gandhi<br />

“<br />

T

My wife has started calling my hair ’the economy’. It’s begun showing strong signs<br />

of a recession.<br />

Tri-County Mental Health Services<br />

6th Annual Hope Gala & Silent Auction<br />

Join us for an evening of celebration, amusement, dancing, and prizes!<br />

Saturday, <strong>March</strong> 23rd at the Hilton Garden Inn, Auburn, 6pm–10pm<br />

Get your tickets at: tcmhs.org/events<br />

Contact: mbernard@tcmhs.org for more details<br />

Did You<br />

Know?<br />

According to the<br />

USDA, Super Bowl<br />

Sunday is the second<br />

highest day of<br />

food consumption in<br />

the United States,<br />

after Thanksgiving.<br />

I’m sorry for the things I said when it was winter.<br />

“Our Last KISS”<br />

R.I.P. Sweet Pea<br />

Momma loves you!<br />

11/29/03 to 2/19/19<br />

Get a jump on Spring Sports<br />

Baseball • Softball<br />

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207-784-4184<br />

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There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don’t care<br />

who gets the credit.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 43

Great, Professional Office<br />

Space for Rent<br />

R<br />

900 SQUARE FEET OF PRIME<br />

OFFICE SPACE FOR RENT<br />

(An additional 400 square foot 3rd floor also available for storage/more office space).<br />

This second floor office space is perfect for an insurance<br />

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It is bright, clean, and cheery.<br />

INCLUDED IN RENT: heat, hot water, sewer, electricity, plowing,<br />

trash removal & off-street parking. Signage space available.<br />

Located at 9 Grove Street in Auburn. Right off (overlooking) Center Street.<br />

Available Now!<br />

Call Jim at 207-576-4844 FMI or to set up a viewing.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

44 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Di<br />

UAD Proof NOVEMBER 2018 Page tbd

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.<br />

Rolly s Diner<br />

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!<br />

Breakfast & Lunch<br />

Rolly’s makes<br />

the best crepes<br />

around!<br />

And their<br />

omelette’s are<br />

excellent too!<br />

Annette Lausier & Kathy Williamson<br />

RollysNewAuburn.com<br />

Specials Daily<br />

• Unusual Omelettes<br />

• Crepes<br />

• Breakfast All Day<br />

• Extensive Menu<br />

87 Mill St.<br />

New Auburn<br />

753-0171<br />

(for take-out)<br />

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm<br />

Sunday 7 am – noon<br />

“I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected<br />

only from the strong.” – Leo Rosten<br />

Life is a<br />

Theater<br />

Invite Your Audience<br />

Carefully<br />

Not everyone is<br />

healthy enough to<br />

have a front row seat<br />

in our lives. There<br />

are some people in<br />

your life that need<br />

to be loved from a<br />

distance.<br />

It’s amazing what<br />

you can accomplish<br />

when you let go of,<br />

or at least minimize<br />

your time with draining,<br />

negative, incompatible,<br />

not going<br />

anywhere relationships<br />

or friendships.<br />

Observe the relationships<br />

around you.<br />

Pay close attention.<br />

Which ones lift and<br />

which ones lower?<br />

Which ones encourage<br />

and which ones<br />

discourage? Which<br />

ones are on a path<br />

of growth uphill and<br />

which ones are going<br />

downhill?<br />

When you leave<br />

certain people, do<br />

you feel better or<br />

feel worse? Which<br />

ones always have<br />

drama or don’t really<br />

understand, know or<br />

appreciate you?<br />

The more you seek<br />

quality, respect,<br />

growth, peace of<br />

mind, love and truth<br />

around you...the<br />

easier it will become<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

Did You Know? Believing you’ve slept well, even if you haven’t, improves performance.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 45

Reminiscing<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Remember when<br />

you were a kid and<br />

you thought being an<br />

adult would be fun?<br />

Bahajhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!<br />

I found Jesus on the golf course. Well, at least I heard his name several times.<br />

Out ‘n About at Rolly’s Diner for Rita Fournier’s 80th Birthday celebration<br />

with<br />

Steve Simard<br />

A Better<br />

Keyboard<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

What do we want?<br />

A keyboard for fat<br />

fingers!<br />

When do we want it?<br />

BOW!<br />

It’s always great<br />

spending your birthday<br />

with family, especially the<br />

ones that are the same<br />

age as you!<br />

Heavenly<br />

Praise<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

“I’d move heaven<br />

and earth to be able<br />

to break 100 on<br />

this course,” sighed<br />

Steve the golfer.<br />

“Try heaven,” advised<br />

his caddie.<br />

“You’ve already<br />

moved most of the<br />

earth.”<br />

You know you’re a hack when your divot flies farther than your golf ball!<br />

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www.GreatFallsfcu.com<br />

34 Bates St, Lewiston • 782-7192<br />

760 Minot Ave., Auburn • 753-0500<br />

Nancy<br />

Irene<br />

Michele<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

46 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

“My steering wheel won’t turn,” said Tom straight-forwardly.

n<br />

Print Dead?<br />

Not Here!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> is still vital and<br />

effective in a digital world.<br />

Circulation<br />

It’s true many daily papers have seen their<br />

circulation decline. The <strong>Digest</strong>’s circulation<br />

has remained consistent for many years and<br />

shows no signs of decline. We have a 97.6%<br />

pick up rate! The national average is 83%.*<br />

97 .6%<br />

of our magazines make<br />

it into the hands of your<br />

consumer!<br />

Readership<br />

Our readership is as high as ever! We have<br />

2.6 readers for every magazine that is<br />

picked up. That’s 25,300 impressions your<br />

ad gets every month! 53% of our readers<br />

keep their <strong>Digest</strong> for one month or more!<br />

The national average is 30%.*<br />

53 %<br />

hang onto their <strong>Digest</strong><br />

for a month or longer!<br />

Purchase Intent<br />

In this age of Amazon Prime and other online<br />

retailers, it’s incredible so many people<br />

plan their shopping activities using our free<br />

local magazine. 81% of our readers frequently<br />

purchase products or services from<br />

ads seen in <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong>.*<br />

81 %<br />

frequently purchase<br />

products or services<br />

from ads in the <strong>Digest</strong>.<br />

le<br />

25,300 Readers monthly*<br />

Call 207-783-7039 to advertise in <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong>!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

*Source of Data - 2018 CVC Publication Audit Report<br />

*Circulation Verification Council (CVC) is an independent, third party reporting audit company. CVC audits and data are an unbiased source of market in circulation information.<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 47<br />

...with<br />

Jimbo

Out ‘n About with the<br />

Lewiston H.S. Senior<br />

Cheerleaders<br />

Their final hurrah on<br />

Parents Night<br />

On top of the<br />

world!<br />

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?<br />

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lifestyle magazine<br />

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Shelby Rucker<br />

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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

48<br />

Dawn Simpson,<br />

Kali Monteiro,<br />

& Joao Monteiro<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

Get your copy today.<br />

Support YOUR Community.<br />

Advertise.<br />

www.LAMetroMagazine.com<br />

So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter... Which stinks,<br />

because he had a great fall.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> presents:<br />

Out ‘n About with the<br />

Lewiston H.S. Senior<br />

Cheerleaders<br />

Their final hurrah on<br />

Parents Night<br />

I’m really going to<br />

miss cheering!<br />

Tim Pelletier,<br />

Jillian Pelletier,<br />

& Karen Bate<br />

Leslie Campbell<br />

& Marissa Larock<br />

Save the Date<br />

Saturday, August 10, <strong>2019</strong><br />

Rachel &<br />

Bry Bagnato<br />

Corporate Sponsorships Available!<br />

Contact the team at <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

207-783-7039<br />

Vickie, Shelby,<br />

& Tim Rucker<br />

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.<br />

I’m not buying it.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 49

(continued from previous page)<br />

for you to decide<br />

who gets to sit in the<br />

front row and who<br />

should be moved to<br />

the balcony of your<br />

life.<br />

Remember that the<br />

people we hang with<br />

will have an impact<br />

on both our lives and<br />

our outlook.<br />

And so, we must be<br />

careful to choose<br />

the people we hang<br />

out with, as well as<br />

the information with<br />

which we feed our<br />

minds.<br />

We should not share<br />

our dreams with<br />

negative people, nor<br />

feed our dreams with<br />

negative thoughts.<br />

Who’s in your front<br />

row?<br />

– Author unknown<br />

Please support<br />

our community of<br />

advertisers!<br />

“The expert at anything was once a beginner.” – Hayes<br />

The Auburn Exchange Club presents the:<br />

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC<br />

Sat., <strong>March</strong> 30 th 9am - 4pm<br />

Sun., <strong>March</strong> 31 st 9am - 3pm<br />

at the<br />

Lewiston Armory<br />

Central Ave. Lewiston<br />

Admission: Adults $8<br />

Children under 12: Free<br />

(must be accompanied by an adult)<br />

• 200 Tables Available<br />

8ft tables available @ $65/each<br />

• Food Concessions • Plenty of Free Parking<br />

• Guards on duty 24 hours daily<br />

All Firearms Laws Will Be Observed<br />

43rd Annual Twin Cities<br />

GUN SHOW<br />

Applications for table reservations must be submitted on our<br />

official table application form obtainable from the<br />

Auburn Exchange Club, PO Box 1061, Auburn, ME 04211-1061<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

50 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039<br />

I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 51

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Schedule your<br />

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Morgan Camplin - Mortgage Banker<br />

207-522-5241 • mcaplin@usa-mortgage.com<br />

63 Federal St. Portland<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> ...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

52 <strong>March</strong> <strong>2019</strong> 783-7039 <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com

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