Uncle Andy's Digest - July 2019

Uncle Andy’s Digest
JULY
2019
EST. 1996
207-782-7113
Get Your FREE
Quote Today!
31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandautobody.com
Coming
Soon to
Maine
513 Sabattus Street
Lewiston
www.HomesinMaineforSale.com
CELEBRATING AMERICA!
Locally owned & operated
Get
your goodies
at Georgio’s for
all your family &
friends!
Eat-In or
Take-Out
« HOLD & COLD
SANDWICHES
« DONUTS
& PASTRIES
« DESSERTS
& SNACKS
GEORGIO’S
Serving Greater LA since the 1950s.
783-2981
Uncle Andy’s Digest
740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • www.mygeorgios.com
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 1

MAINE’S #1 STEAKHOUSE
EVERY MONDAY
20% OFF
All Burgers
30% OFF
All Drafts
SAVE THE DATE!
SATURDAY, AUG. 10 TH
EVERY TUESDAY
75¢
WINGS
hosted by
Shown here:
Mini Mac & Mussels
Now Hiring Experience Line Cooks!
Highly compensated pay! Apply within!
Specials
Daily!
We Cater!
Weddings, Banquets, Birthdays,
Corporate Parties, and more!
No event too BIG or SMALL...
We cater it ALL!
Come
dunk Auburn
Police Chief
Jason Moen in the
dunk tank!
We
have some
amazing silent
auction items this
year!
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

I saw some footage of Polar Bears drinking water today.
Duh! Everyone knows they drink Coke.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
MODERN WOODMEN
OF AMERICA
JULY 2019 ACTIVITIES
Sunday, July 14th
Sea Dogs-vs-Binghampton
Rumble Ponies
Hadlock Field
11:30am
M: $20.00 (Includes game &
bbq). Order tickets by July 3rd
Tuesday, July 16th
Roy’s Breakfast
7:00-10:00am
5 Washington Ave Auburn
M: $4.00G: $5.00
Tuesday, July 16th
Fielder’s Choice
4:00-7:00pm
680 Minot Ave Auburn
M and G: $2.00
Thursday, July 18th
Mandarin
11:00-1:00pm
750 Sabattus Street Lewiston
M: $5.50 G: $6.50
Wednesday, July 24th
Dairy Joy
3:00-7:00pm
Lewiston or Auburn Location
M and G: $1.00
Thursday, July 25th
Val’s Drive-In
4:00-7:00pm
925 Sabattus Street Lewiston
M: $4.00G: $5.00
Sunday, July 28th
Chicken BBQ-KofC
12:00pm
Maxwell-Gill Hall Sabattus
M: $6.00 G: $7.00
Tuesday, July 30th
Tabers
4:00-7:00pm
470 Lake Shore Drive Auburn
M: $6.50G: $7.50
Park Tickets
1-Day Vehicle Pass for Maine
State Parks
M: $2.00 G: $3.00
York’s Wild Kingdom:
M: $11.00G: $12.00
Water Country:
M: $30.00G: $31.00
Fun Z Trampoline Park (1-
hour pass):
M: $8.00G: $9.00
Funtown: Amusement Only:
M: $24.00 G: $25.00
Splashtown Only:
M: $24.00G: $25.00
Combination:
M: $28.00G: $29.00
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to
change. All activities can only be attended
at the times listed. TICKETS ARE
LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO
REFUNDS ALLOWED FMI, please call
our office
782-1833, DO NOT CALL RESTAURANTS.
*************************
Tickets need to be purchased at the
Modern Woodmen District Office,
184 Webster St, Lewiston. Office
hours are Monday-Thursday 9a-4p,
Friday 9a-12noon, excluding holidays.
Tickets can only be purchased 1 week
in advance of the activity.

Uncle Andy’s Digest
is published by the first
Friday of every month by
Maine Mountain Ocean
Group, Inc. with its world
headquarters located at
9 Grove Street, Auburn,
Maine, USA.
Published and distributed
since 1996 throughout
Central Maine and mailed to
subscribers all over the Free
World. Subscriptions are
$30/year.
UncleAndysDigest.com
Office: 207-783-7039
UAD Super Heroes
I hate change, but I also hate change. So if the US gets rid of
pennies and nickels I’m not sure how I’ll feel.
SMILE AGAIN DENTURES
CAPTAIN
JIMBO
SPIDY
TIM
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
4
WONDER
WOMAN
TYLA
HULK
SMASH
THOMAS
BATGIRL
STEPHANIE
IRONSIDES
STEVE
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very
hard to ensure the accuracy of the
information in our client’s advertisements
and our publication in general, we are
not responsible for vendor availability,
typographical errors, technical
inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or
omissions.
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
Smile In
Comfort
Call us today for:
• Full Dentures
• Immediate Dentures
• Partial Dentures
• Rebases
• Relines
• Repairs
Like Our Name Implies,
We’ll Make You
SMILE AGAIN
All work done on-site.
Repairs usually same day service!
Joe & Mike
Adkins
Licensed
Denturists
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
smileagaindentures@gmail.com • SmileAgainDentures.com
514-0660
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Call today
for a
FREE
consultation!

If you get mono twice, isn’t that stereo?
Out ‘n About at
Smile Again
Dentures
Another day in
paradise . . . working
hard!
Jack Downey
20 years of service
Where
do you work,
Jack?
Jeff “Thomas”
Blackburn
37 years of service
You
guys!
Lori Stuart
13 years of service
I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 5

Out ‘n About at WD Matthews
Thank
you for all
your 32 years
of service,
Steve. You will
be missed
here.
Give your home the protection
it deserves.
Scott Plummer (WD Matthews
owner) & Steve Page, Sr.
Uh Oh!
Submitted by
Steve Simard
Jimbo was in the
hospital recovering
from surgery when
a nurse asked him
how he was feeling.
“I’m okay, but I didn’t
like the four-letterword
the doctor
used in surgery,” he
answered.
“What did he say?”
asked the nurse.
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET
2 Main Street, Sabattus 375-8502
Try us once, you’ll be a regular!
DAILY SPECIALS:
Monday: Ham Italian .................. sm. $1.59...... lg. $2.59
Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ... $3.99
Wednesday: Chicken Salad ........ sm. $1.99...... lg. $3.49
Thursday: Bowl of Chili............. $3.99
BLT........................... sm. $1.99...... lg. $3.49
Friday: Tuna Italian .................... sm. $1.99...... lg. $3.49
Saturday: Baked Beans ............. qt. $3.59........ pt. $2.59
Sunday: ....................................... $2.00 off any large pizza
Now
Offering
10" gluten
free Pizza
“OOPS!”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
6 July 2019 783-7039
May not be combined with daily specials. Exp 7.31.18
OPEN 7 Days
6am - 8pm
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

THE AMERICAN LEGION
FAMILY
HOURS M/T/W: 1pm - close
Th/F/Sat. noon to close • Sun. 11am to close
Are you a Veteran?
Want to help others?
Ask us how you can become a member!
Hall Rentals Available
Call for more information
207-782-1118
Post153AmericanLegionAuburnME
Maintaining a healthy diet is a piece of cake.
71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118
Members & Guests Welcome
MUSIC, KARAOKE & DANCE w/ JEAN LOUIS
FRIDAY & SATURDAY 7-11pm in July
Jerry Joe - July 12th & 26th • 4:30 - 6:30pm
MONTHLY MEETING
WEDNESDAY JULY 17 TH • 7pm
50/50 Raffle & attending
members have a chance to win
$100, $150, or $25
HAPPY HOUR FRIDAYS ARE BACK!
MILLER LITE/COORS LIGHT SPECIALS & APPETIZERS
Out ‘n About at
Smile Again
Dentures
Hey
Jimbo, a lollipop
or a margarita,
your choice!
Bonnie Doyon
2 years of service
Possibly a
margarita flavored
lollipop with the
salted rim?
Emily Ouellette
2 years of service
YEP - WE DO THAT!
LET’S TALK!
Like
our name
implies, we’ll make
you Smile
Again!
786-3246
230 Rodman Rd., Auburn
nadeausrefrigeration.com
I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for six months. It’s rude to interrupt.
Cassandra
Gagnon
3 years of service
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 7

Camp Work
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Before heading out
to run errands, Tyla
gave Keith his honey-do
list for the day.
“Oh, and remember,
I want you to rake
the campsite too,”
said Tyla.
“Consider it done,”
Keith replied.
That afternoon when
Tyla returned back
to camp, she noticed
the site was still full
of pine needles.
“Hey, I thought you
were going to rake
the campsite today?”
she questioned.
Keith rolled his eyes
at her and said, “I
thought you were
going to consider it
done.”
Great Falls
It’s so hot my Frosted Flakes melted!
Great Rates • Great Service • Great Staff
Federal Credit Union
www.GreatFallsfcu.com
34 Bates St, Lewiston • 782-7192
760 Minot Ave., Auburn • 753-0500
Move
your loan
to us for
great
rates!
I got a jump rope, but it’s just a rope. Turns out you have to do the jumping part.
Out ‘n About at the 11th annual Pierre “Pete” J. Simard Benefit
Golf Tournament at the Poland Spring Country Club
“Gratitude is one of
the strongest and
most transformative
states of being. It
shifts your perspective
from lack
to abundance and allows
you to focus on
the good in your life,
which in turn pulls
more goodness into
your reality.”
– Jen Sincero
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
8 July 2019 783-7039
Peter Nadeau, Mark Laliberte, Lisa Laliberte, Dan Roderick
I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful.

CELEBRATE
with
CATERING
Professional service
at an affordable price!
Call Today for a Free Quote:
207-345-9009
DadsPlaceCatering.com
Convenience Store
Dad’s Redemption Center
CHECK OUT OUR NEW
STORE WEBSITE!
www.dadsplacemaine.com
SEE OUR HUGE
MENU SELECTION!
207-345-5551
23 Pleasant Street
Mechanic Falls
Redemption Center is
directly behind Dad’s Place
DONATE YOUR BOTTLES TO
Help grant a wish to a local child
battling a critical illness
See our redemption ad on page 32.

Out ‘n About at
Smile Again
Dentures
Don’t
make me pull
out my nerf gun.
Just ask Alex. He
surrendered after
my deluge of
darts!
A will is a dead giveaway.
Jessi Hilton
(Mike’s daughter &
business manager) Team
member since age 7!*
*This was prior to Mike
knowing about child labor
laws
My
mom is deadly
with that thing!
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
Out ‘n About at Smile Again Dentures
Alex Hilton
3rd generation of
Smile Again team
Is
this a staff
photo or a police
lineup?
Hard
to believe
we call this work
around here!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
10
Joe Adkins
Since 2003
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
The Smile Again Staff (L-R): Alex, Bonnie, Jeff, Joe, Cassandra,
Mike, Jessi, Jack, Lori, & Emily
(Missing at the time of the photo: Roland Cote (racquetball extraordinaire)
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe,
many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Picky
Eaters
Submitted by
Steve Simard
An Englishman,
a Scotsman and
an Irishman were
working on the top of
a cliff.
The Englishman
said, “If I have
cheese in my sandwich
tomorrow, I’ll
jump off this cliff.”
The Scotsman said,
“If I have jam in my
sandwich tomorrow,
I’ll jump off the cliff,
too.”
The Irishman said, “If
I have ham tomorrow,
I’ll jump right off
with both of you.”
The next day, the
Englishman had
cheese, the Irishman
had ham, and the
Scotsman had jam.
So they all jumped to
their deaths.
At the funerals, the
wives of the Scotsman
and Englishman
said, “Why didn’t
they just tell us they
didn’t like their lunches?
We could’ve
prepared them
something else.”
The Irish wife said,
“I don’t know why
my husband jumped
off the cliff. He’s
been making his
own sandwiches for
years.”
I totally understand how batteries feel, because I’m rarely included in things either.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 11

Fast
Track
Submitted by Jimbo
One night I paid $20 to see Prince but I partied like it was $19.99.
(Submitted by Pam Duplissis)
A lawyer named Joe
died suddenly, at the
age of 45. He got to
the gates of Heaven
and saw an angel
standing there upon
his arrival.
“We’ve been waiting
a long time for you
to arrive,” the angel
informed Joe.
“What do you mean,”
Joe replied, “I’m only
45 years old. I am in
the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die
now?”
“45? You’re not 45,”
laughed the angel,
“you’re 82!”
“Wait a minute. If you
think I’m 82 then you
have the wrong guy.
I’m only 45. I can
show you my identification
to prove it.”
“Hold on. Let me go
check,” said the angel
and disappeared
inside.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Out ‘n About at Side by Each Brewing
Family
game night
is a blast!
After a few minutes
the angel returned.
“Sorry Joe, but these
records indicate it is
impossible for you to
be 45. I checked all
the hours you have
billed your clients
throughout your
career, and based on
that, you would need
to be 82 years old.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
12
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
Keith Davis & Bryce Strout
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees” so I did.
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair?
presents
A Night of Comedy
with
at the
PART DEUX
July 26th
8pm - 10pm
Doors open at 7pm
The Hairem Hair Salon
welcomes Jane Kyllonen
as a new independent
stylist.
Jane Kyllonen has
joined the team of
stylists at The Hairem
salon. Previously the
owner and stylist at
Sarah Jeanne’s and
S&J Tuxedo for the past
25 years.
Featuring
DAN BOULGER
winner of the Boston Comedy Festival; and
appearances on Comedy Central, The Late
Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and
HBO’s Aspen Comedy Show
Also Performing:
Brian Brinegar,
Mike Keegan,
& Ryan Gartley
$25.00
Admission
For information and
tickets go to:
uncleandys.com
All proceeds benefit
Kyllonen has over 35
years of experience in
her field. She specializes
in barbering, Brazilian
blowout smoothing
system, hair extensions,
and has a passion for
hair color and corrective
color.
Jane will still retail
Aquage & Oloplex
products for all your hair
care needs.
The Hairem salon offers
hair services and a
barber shop.
Kyllonen invites all of
her clients to join her
at The Hairem salon to
continue receiving the
services she’s provided
for so many years.
The Hairem is located
at 675 Main Street in
Lewiston in the Market
Place Mall.
See the Sarah Jeanne’s
ad on page 21
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 13

Out ‘n About at
WD Matthews
I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor.
On the bottom of the receipt, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”
Proud
to be retiring
from WD Matthews
after 32 years of
service!
Steve Page, Sr.
Best
of luck, Steve.
I still have a few
years to go!
I love nothing more than sitting in front of a warm fire, wine in hand, singing songs
until I fall asleep. It’s probably the main reason I’m no longer a firefighter.
The Fortin Group
Proudly serving the communities of Lewiston and Auburn
for over one hundred years.
Ron Morris
Samantha
Bazinet & Cindy
Cloutier
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
14
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
217 Turner Street
Auburn
207-783-8545
70 Horton Street
Lewiston
207-784-4584
If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?

Overweight is something that just snacks up on you.
Roebucks Angus
Tell us you saw us in
Uncle Andy’s!
BURGER • STEAKS • ROASTS
• REGISTERED ANGUS
• NATURAL ANGUS BEEF
• PACKAGES - SIDES & QUARTERS
• GIFT CERTIFICATES
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK
OPEN FARM DAY - 7/28/19
10am - 3pm
INSPECTED
jay - 207.754.1558
sue - 207.754.6558
783 UPPER ST. • TURNER
Happy
Birthday
Submitted by Tyla Davis
It was Timmy’s 5th
birthday and he
was joyfully opening
all the presents he
received.
He wanted to save
the biggest for last,
so it took a while for
him to get through
them all so that
he could open his
Grandma’s present.
“Wow!” Timmy
exclaimed in delight,
upon seeing the mini
drum set that his
Grandmother got for
him.
“Thanks, Grandma!
This is just what I
wanted!”
EST. 1953
NOW HIRING FOR
EXPERIENCED HAIR
STYLIST - APPLY WITHIN
Happy
Birthday,
Tina! You look
marvelous!
Norm Cloutier
Like us on
54 Mill St., New Auburn • 783-3444
OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30a-5:30p; Sat 7:30a-2p
We’ve got you covered!
Celebrating
65 Years as a
family owned
and operated
local business
After Timmy went to
bed, his mother approached
her mother.
“Ma, I’m surprised
at you. Don’t you
remember how it
used to drive you crazy
when we used to
play the drums in the
house growing up?”
Timmy’s grandmother
smiled and
then said, “Oh I
remember, dear. Of
course I remember.
Enjoy the gift!”
207-783-2246
150 East Ave. Lewiston • MaineInsuranceonline.com
Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 15

Out ‘n About at
WD Matthews
David Cloutier
Andy Lajoie
I’m
proud to
have partnered
with Fast Freddie’s
Bikes for
Tots* to provide
bikes and
helmets to underprivileged
children!
You never realize how dirty a song’s lyrics are until you hear your child sing them.
Happy Hour @
the
Village Inn
Join
belinda for Happy Hour
Tuesday through Sunday 2pm - 6pm in our lounge
DRINK SPECIALS
24oz. Bud Light & Coors Light Drafts $ 2.99
House Margarita or Long Island $ 5
Village Inn Clipper $ 5
Well Drinks $ 4
FOOD SPECIALS
Onion Rings or Potato Skins $ 3
Village Inn Poutine $ 4
Lobster Sliders $ 5/each
#cheersto40years
#villageinn2fers
Celebrating
40 YEARS
Family Owned
& Operated!
When I was young, I was afraid of the dark.
Now that I’m an adult paying the electric bill, I’m afraid of the light.
196 High St. Auburn
207-782-7796
Out ‘n About at Dalton Rice Anaheim Angels signing party
Somebody
pinch me!
Ahhh... A very proud
Dad moment!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
16
Dennis “The
Menace”
Hutchinson
*For more information:
www.fastfreddiefoundation.org
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
Jaidyn, Dalton, & Sheldon Rice
Dalton, star baseball player at both Oxford Hills HS and USM, signed as an undrafted free agent with the Anaheim Angels.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog - it feeds the hand that bites it.

By faithfully working eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
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Wants to purchase minerals and other oil and
gas interests. Send details to P.O. Box 13557
Co. 80201
Embroidery
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camp, road races/charity 5K’s
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coastaltshirts.com
Screen Printing
Surprisingly, despite all the warnings, I’ve never seen a tombstone that read,
“Died from not forwarding that e-mail to ten people.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 17

A girl called me the other day and said, “Come on over, nobody’s home.”
I went over. Nobody was home.
Brenda & Claude Fontaine
The Fontaine Family
Announced as Winner of
2019 Maine Family
Business of the Year Award
The Fontaine Family is
honored to have been
selected as winner of the
Holiday Inn By The Bay
First Generation Maine
Family Business of the
Year Award. They were
among the seven award
winners announced live
at The Institute of Family
Owned Business’ (IFOB)
Maine Family Business
Awards gala event held
on June 5th.
“I’m very grateful and
proud of this family and
our family team. I’m
proud of how they live
our mission every day by
going above and beyond
for our clients – we’re
all about creating raving
fans, because we know
our future business depends
on it,” says Brenda
Fontaine.
The awards given out
celebrate the accomplishments
of small and large
businesses throughout
Maine based on certain
criteria.
The Fontaine Team has
two locations at 36 Center
Street in Auburn and
432 US Route One in
Scarborough. Visit them at
BrendaFontaine.com
See their ad on page 12.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
18
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
I’ve never been skydiving, but I have zoomed in on Google Earth really fast.

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it was between 8:00am and 1:00pm.
Respectful
Putt
Submitted by
Steve Simard
Four golfers who like
to gamble, wind up
in the same foursome.
The pot builds
throughout the day
until they reach the
18th green, where
Steve has a chance
to putt for all the
money.
Call ahead for
bulk deliveries
& loading
• Mulch
• Loam
• Compost
• 50/50 Compost/
Loam Mix
Full Line of
Bagged Mulch • Soils
Fertilizers • Pro-Mix
Garden Tools • Potting Soil
GREENHOUSE & GARDEN CENTER
OPEN EVERY DAY 8 - 5
896 Lawrence Rd. No. Pownal • 207-688-4462
www.GardenSpotFarm.com
Look for specials on Facebook!
GIFT CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE
FOR ALL YOUR FLOWER AND VEGETABLE GARDEN NEEDS
Tree & Shrubs
Strawberry Plants
Seeds
Hours: 9am - 4pm
Proven Winners
10” Hanging Combination
Annual Flats, Herb &
Vegetable Flats & Pots
FREE HEARING EXAMS!
410 Main St. Lewiston
Call Nancy Today!
207-330-2369
I have all the money I’ll ever need - if I die by 4pm today.
10 greenhouses full
of annual, perennial,
vegetable and
herb plants!
Nancy Whittier
Board Certified – Hearing
Instrument Specialist
If he makes his 10-
foot putt, he wins
$200. Steve lines up
his putt, but just as
he’s about to take
his stance, a funeral
procession begins
passing by.
Steve steps away
from his ball, sets
down his putter,
takes off his hat,
places it over his
heart, and waits for
the funeral procession
to completely
pass. Once it passes,
Steve picks up his
putter and begins lining
up the putt again.
Jimbo, one of his opponents,
says, “Wow!
That was the most
touching thing I have
ever seen. You’ve
got a makeable putt
for $200, yet you
stopped and paid
your respects. You
really are something.”
“Well,” Steve says,
“we were married for
45 years.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 19

Not My
Fault
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A repeat offender
was brought before
the judge at his hearing
date.
The judge said,
“Haven’t I seen you
in here several times
before? And didn’t I
tell you I never wanted
to see you in here
again?”
The offender replied,
“Yes, Your Honor,
that’s exactly what I
told the officer. But
he insisted I come
anyway!”
THE OXFORD HILLS AREA
Section
PA’S
TRADIN’
COMPANY Inc.
BUY • SELL • TRADE
Federal
Firearms
License
PAWN
Gun Background Checks/Transfers
Fire Arms Transfers $ 25/each
1447 Main Street, Oxford
Only 25 Minutes from Auburn & Gray
Open Mon-Sat. 9am - 5pm
207-743-0709 or 1-877-743-0709
Our inventory costs
are well below retail value!
Inventory changes daily
Jimbo said to Tyla, “You’ve been late five days this week... do you know what that means?”
“I certainly do,” Tyla said. “It’s FRIDAY!”
Out ‘n About at UAD World Headquarters
I’m
so stylish,
that I even dress
to match the
curtains!
OFFERING
Residential
Commercial
Clean Outs
Roll Offs
844-ME-TRASH
844-638-7274
The only thing we don’t throw away is our customer service!
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Why is it called “after dark” when it really is
“after light”?
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• DIGGING: HOLES, ROCKS, SLABS
• SNOW BANK PUSH BACK & MUCH MORE!
• ROTOTILLNG spring/fall clean-up
Stephanie Arsenault
light duty excavating & landscaping needs
Aaron Nugent
FREE ESTIMATES
207.461.4233
aaronstractorservices@gmail.com

I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.
for 25 great years!
Out ‘n About at
the JFM/UAD
pizza party
at John F. Murphy Homes
in Auburn
Our
two crews
make quite the
team!
After 25 years, Sarah Jeanne’s is closing its doors.
We’re on to the next great chapter in our lives.
We have so many fond memories over 25 years & touched
the lives of so many people. Through the limo service, day spa,
tuxedo rentals, tanning, hair services, & Moose’s Kitchen.
Thank you for choosing us!
You can now find Jane at Hairem, 675 Main St., Lewiston. 782-4104
You can now find Sarah at Escada, 746 Main St., Lewiston. 241-0473
Kristin Freeman
JFM Employment Services
Director
Pizza
and Chips!
I’m in!
We welcome
our customers to
join us at our
new locations!
Brandon
Meserve
Delivering the Digest
for 2 years!
Sarah & Jane Kyllonen
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.
Mark St. Pierre
& Deka Shidad
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 21

1567 Lisbon Street
Lewiston
777-6353
gridironrestaurant.com
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK
11am to 10pm
Daily
Specials
Monday, 1st
Chicken
chimichangas
w/rice
$8.99
Sunday, 7th
Country fried
steak
w/mashed, gravy,
veggies, & garlic
toast
$9.99
Monday, 8th
Beef and bean
burrito
w/rice
$8.99
Sunday, 14th
Grilled ham
dinner
w/mashed, gravy,
veggies, & garlic
toast
$9.99
Monday, 15th
Chili and
cheese burrito
w/rice
$8.99
Sunday, 21st
Hot turkey
Monday, 22nd
Philly steak and
LEWISTON, MAINE
Tuesday, 2nd
American
chop suey
w/garlic toast
Wednesday, 3rd
Buffalo chicken
mac & cheese
w/garlic toast
Thursday, 4th
Closed Today
$5.99
$9.99
Tuesday, 9th
Spaghetti w/
four meatballs
w/salad & garlic
toast
$8.99
Wednesday,
10th
Broccoli and
ham mac &
cheese
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Thursday,
11th
Baked cajun
haddock
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$9.99
Tuesday, 16th
Fettuccine
alfredo
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Tuesday, 23rd
Chicken
Wednesday,
17th
Lobster mac &
cheese
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Wednesday,
24th
Thursday,
18th
Shrimp, sausage,
& chicken
jambalaya
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Thursday,
25th
Friday, 5th
Baked haddock
topped w/lobster
sauce
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$9.99
Friday, 12th
Salmon pie w/
white sauce
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$9.99
Friday, 19th
Creamy shrimp
lasagna
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Friday, 26th
Beer battered
Saturday, 6th
Meatloaf
w/mashed, gravy,
veggies, & garlic
toast
$9.99
Saturday,
13th
Pot roast dinner
w/mashed, gravy,
veggies, & garlic
toast
$9.99
Saturday,
20th
16oz ribeye
w/fries, salad, &
garlic toast
$16.99
Saturday,
27th

dinner
w/mashed, gravy,
veggies, & garlic
toast
$9.99
cheese burrito
w/rice
$8.99
cacciatore over
pasta
w/garlic toast
$7.99
Hamburger mac
& cheese
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Cajun green pepper
& onion chicken
stir fry over rice
w/garlic toast
$9.99
shrimp
w/fries & coleslaw
$12.99
Beef brisket
w/mashed, gravy,
veggies, & garlic
toast
$9.99
Sunday, 28th
Beef stroganoff
over pasta
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Monday, 29th
Beef taco
nachos
$9.99
Tuesday, 30th
Fried steak
parmesan over
pasta
$9.99
Wednesday,
31st
Shrimp mac &
cheese
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Thank
you LA &
beyond!
BAKED SEAFOOD FRIED SEAFOOD
comes with 2 sides & garlic toast most come w/2 sides
BOSTON BAKED HADDOCK $11.99
FRESH HADDOCK TOPPED W/BUTTER & CRUMBS
HADDOCK FISH-N-CHIPS $11.99
COMES W/FRIES & CHOICE OF ONE SIDE
GARLIC BUTTERED HADDOCK $12.99
LOADS OF GARLIC, BUTTER, AND CRUMBS
BROCCOLI-N-CHEESE HADDOCK $13.99
TOPPED W/CHEESE SAUCE
HADDOCK FROMAGE $13.99
HADDOCK SMOTHERED W/BLUE CHEESE DRESSING & TOPPED WITH CRUMBS
LEMON PEPPER HADDOCK $12.99
TOPPED W/BUTTER & CRUMBS
FRESH BAKED SCALLOPS $16.99
TOPPED W/BUTTER & CRUMBS
BROCCOLI-N-CHEESE SCALLOPS $17.99
TOPPED W/CHEESE SAUCE
BAKED HADDOCK & SCALLOPS $18.99
TOPPED W/BUTTER & CRUMBS
BAKED SEAFOOD PLATTER $20.99
SCALLOPS, HADDOCK, & SHRIMP TOPPED W/BUTTER & CRUMBS
SEAFOOD STUFFED HADDOCK $16.99
SEAFOOD STUFFING TOPPED W/FRESH HADDOCK BUTTER & CRUMBS
WHOLE BELLY CLAMS (SM) $9.99 (LG) $16.99
LIGHTLY BREADED & FRIED
FRIED SCALLOPS $16.99
SEA SCALLOPS LIGHTLY BREADED & DEEP FRIED
FRIED SHRIMP $9.99
LIGHTLY BREADED GULF SHRIMP
COCONUT SHRIMP $12.99
12 LARGE SHRIMP COVERED IN COCONUT
CLAMS & SCALLOPS $18.99
HADDOCK & SHRIMP $17.99
CLAMS & HADDOCK $18.99
SCALLOPS & SHRIMP $18.99
SCALLOPS & HADDOCK $18.99
CLAMS & SHRIMP $17.99
FRIED SEAFOOD PLATTER $20.99
HADDOCK, SCALLOPS, & SHRIMP
KING’S PLATTER $28.99
CLAMS, SCALLOPS, HADDOCK, & SHRIMP

Out ‘n About at
the JFM/UAD
pizza party
at John F. Murphy Homes
in Auburn
Since bread is square, then why is most sandwich meat round?
Rolly’s
RollysNewAuburn.com
Diner
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Mark St. Pierre
& Jimbo
I’m
so excited
to be going to
camp soon!
My
favorite
meal is the
Big Breakfast,
Jr.! Love
it!
Maddy McGonagle &
Michael McGonagle
Breakfast & Lunch
Specials Daily
• Unusual Omelettes
• Crepes
• Breakfast All Day
• Extensive Menu
87 Mill St.
New Auburn
753-0171
(for take-out)
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm
Sunday 7 am – noon
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
- Mike Birbiglia
Ivan Sheloske
YOUR VISION. OUR EXPERTISE.
KITCHENS • BATHS • DECKS & MORE!
• Windows/Doors
• Siding
• Custom Tile
• Lead Certified
• VA Special Adaptive
Housing
• Handicap Accessible
Projects
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
24
Joe Theriault
& Brandon
Meserve
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
207-212-7791
www.vghomeimprovements.com
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

Rice is really great if you want to eat 1,000 of something.
Diagnosis
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A city guy was driving
down a country road
when his car broke
down next to a field
filled with cows. He
got out, and although
he knew nothing about
cars, started poking
around under the
hood.
“If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea,
does that mean 1 out of 5 enjoys it?”
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member...
I don’t know how I get away with it.
$
29 initial visit
includes consult, exam, & adjustment
MAINE’S ONLY
MEMBERSHIP CHIROPRACTOR
Future visits as low as $20 with membership
See website for details
www.207chiro.com
Dr. Jeff Clark treats
his patient in his
Auburn office
One of the cows
walked over to the
fence, leaned over,
and looked at the
engine.
“I think the problem’s
your carburetor,” said
the cow.
The guy nearly
jumped out of his
skin, and ran off to the
nearest farmhouse.
When he got there he
banged furiously on
the door.
The farmer opened
the door, and the guy
shouted, “A cow just
told me how to fix my
car in the field over
there!”
The farmer looked
over to the field and
asked, “Was it a big
brown cow?”
“Yes! Yes!”
The farmer asked,
“Did she have a big
white spot next to her
ear?”
The guy yelled, “Yes!
Yes! That’s the one!”
34 Center St. Auburn
(207) 401-2000
439 Lewiston Rd. Topsham
Are you overthinking what I’m overthinking?
The farmer sighed in
exasperation. “That
darn fool Daisy,” he
said. “Don’t listen to
her. She don’t know
nuthin’ ’bout cars.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 25

Alone
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A farmer purchased
an old, run-down
farm with plans to
turn it into a thriving
enterprise.
The fields were
overgrown, the farmhouse
was falling
apart, and the fences
were broken down.
During his first day
of work, the town
preacher stopped by
to bless the man’s
work.
“May you and God
work together to
make this the farm of
your dreams!”
A few months
later, the preacher
stopped by again to
call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it’s a
completely different
place.
The farm house was
completely rebuilt
and in excellent
condition, there
was plenty of cattle
and other livestock
happily munching on
feed in well-fenced
pens, and the fields
were filled with crops
planted in neat rows.
“Amazing!” the
preacher said. “Look
what God and you
have accomplished
together!”
“Yes, Reverend,”
said the farmer, “but
remember what the
farm was like when
God was working it
alone!”
Saturday, August 10 th
1:00 - 9:00pm
OUTSIDE @ MAC’S GRILL
1052 Minot Ave. Auburn
Fun for
Everyone!
• Kid’s Zone w/ 95’ Inflatable
Obstacle Course
• HUGE Silent Auction
• Dunk Tank
• Face Painting
• Mr. Drew & His Animals Too
• Great Food
• Beer Garden & Full Bar
• 50/50
OUR AMAZING
SPONSORS!
A great
Community Event!
PRESENTING WISH Sponsor
Sponsor of
STRENGTH
UNCLE AND
pres
Food, Fun, & M
Sponsor of
HOPE
hoste
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
26 July 2019 783-7039
Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?

Y’S DIGEST
ents
Without geometry, life is pointless.
3
BANDS!
1:00-3:00pm Lie to Me
3:00-5:00pm Juke Joint Devil Band
6:00-9:00pm Fire in the Hole
Fireworks at 9pm
Because of YOU
we’ve been able to raise over
$175,000 and grant 25 wishes to local
kids facing critical illnesses. Help
us make our 5th Annual event
the best yet!
Out ‘n About at
the JFM/UAD
pizza party
at John F. Murphy Homes
in Auburn
Chris Salley
Delivering the Digest
for 4 years!
I
love making
friends with the
businesses I deliver
the Digest to! I am
Underdog Aaron!
Fist bumps for
everyone!
usic to Benefit
d by
Sponsor of JOY
A Summer Event You
Won’t Want to Miss!
LASummerBlockParty.com
STAR Sponsor
Community
Sponsors
Fortin Group
Bancroft Corp.
Bilodeau Insurance
Champoux Insurance
United Insurance
Aaron Ward
Delivering the Digest
for 9 years!
Alternative Sprinkler
Fire Protection
Media Partners:
Josh Leen
Delivering the Digest
for 13 years!
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time my computer crashed...oh wait, he does.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 27

It seems like In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
IT’S NEVER BEEN A
BETTER TIME TO SELL
Call
for a
FREE
Evaluation
314 Center Street Auburn
207.333.6001
mainesourcehomes.com
Escada Hair Studio
welcomes Sarah Kyllonen
as a new independent
stylist.
Sarah Kyllonen, has
joined the team of
stylists at Escada salon.
Kyllonen was formerly
part of Sarah Jeanne’s
and S&J Tuxedo.
Graduating from the
Capilos School of
Hair Design, Kyllonen
has been a licensed
stylist for six years. She
specializes in corrective
colors, balayage,
blondes, Brazilian blowouts,
and curly hair.
Escada offers hair,
makeup, and waxing
services.
Kyllonen invites all of
her clients to join her at
Escada Hair Studio to
continue receiving the
services she’s provided
for the past six years.
Jon Mercier
Owner/Broker
207.784.1541
easy@easyrentall.com
20 South Ave.
Lewiston
EasyRentAll.com
Mark Turner
Owner/Broker
Brandon Caruso
Associate Broker
Toni Ferraro
Associate Broker
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed, “Yes dear” to
“No I’m not picking your mother up at the airport at 1am.”
Deb Morin
Associate Broker
LA’s
Premier
Rental
Company
We Have The Equipment You Need!
You Name it - We most likely rent it!
• Summer Landscaping Equipment
• Roll-off Containers
Now Offering
Mulch, Loam,
Gravel, & Stone
by the yard!
Escada is located at
746 Main Street in Lewiston
behind Marden’s.
See the Sarah Jeanne’s
ad on page 21
• Equipment Rentals
• Storage Containers
• Easy Self-Storage
Competitive Rental Rates
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
28 July 2019 783-7039
If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Fair Fight
Submitted by Tyla Davis
After days of arguing,
Jack and Sally
resorted to giving
each other the silent
treatment.
One evening, Jack
remembered that
he needed Sally
to wake him up at
5:00am the next
morning. He had an
early morning business
flight that he
was scheduled for.
Hours:
Mon. & Tues. 8a-7p
Wed. & Thurs. 8a-5p
Open the first Friday
of each month
“Affordable Dental Excellence”
L to R: Tina, Dr. Vlassotoulous, Soy, Dr. Horton, Ashley,
Sarah, Morghan, & Dawn
New Patient
Exam &
Full Mouth X-Ray
IV Sedation
ONLY $ 129 .00
(must mention this ad)
On-site Periodontist
Dental Implants
Cosmetic Dentistry
488 Sabattus Street
Lewiston
207-783-8800
Invisalign
We are looking for Licensed Electricians • Apply within
Not wanting to be
the first to break the
silence, Jack wrote
on a piece of paper -
Please wake me up
at 5:00am.”
He left it where he
knew Sally would
find it. The next
morning, Jack woke
up to discover that it
was 9:00am and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was
about to go see why
Sally hadn’t woke
him up. He noticed a
piece of paper by the
bed.
The paper read - It
is 5:00am. Time to
wake up.
RoySnow.com
207.782.3734
Serving Maine since 1947
11 Library Ave.
Auburn
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 29

Wrong
Step
Submitted by Thomas Hill
One night a lady with
a black eye stumbled
into a police station.
“What happened
to you?” asked the
desk sergeant.
“I heard a noise in
my back yard and
went to investigate.
The next thing I
knew I was hit in the
face and knocked
out cold.”
The desk sergeant
dispatched an officer
to go to the lady’s
house to investigate.
When he returned a
while later, he also
had a black eye.
I buy my dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99.
I buy myself a Big Mac.
For Any Disaster,
Call ServiceMASTER!
ServiceMaster Fire & Water Restoration
EMERGENCY
RESPONSE
• Fire / Soot / Smoke
• Odor Removal
• Water Damage
• Mold
• Sewage
• Trauma Cleanup
29 Brickyard Circle, Auburn
800-244-7630 • 207-539-4452
www.smfireandwater.com
“Did you get hit by
the same attacker?”
the desk sergeant
asked.
“No, sir,” he replied.
“I stepped on the
same rake.”
THURSDAYS
PAINT NIGHT (ONLY $12)
LET’S MAKE A DEAL
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
30
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
LA’s ONLY DINING & ENTERTAINMENT
RESTAURANT - UNDER ONE ROOF!
FRIDAYS
IMPROV SHOW
CABARET SHOW
COMEDY SHOW
LAVA
FONDUE RESTAURANT &
SHOW LOUNGE
SATURDAYS
DEAL OR NO DEAL
CABARET SHOW at 6pm & 8pm
COMEDY SHOW
SUNDAYS
SUNDAY FUNDAY EVENTS!
(CHECK US OUT
ON FACEBOOK)
FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK FOR ALL EVENT RESERVATIONS & INFO
My car has one of those backup cameras so I can see what I hit.
34 Court St.
Auburn
♥ Bacon!
HOB Apparel
Available Now!

My x-ray showed a broken rib, but I fixed it in Photoshop.
DAILY SPECIALS
MONDAY: 25% OFF ALL GLASS
TUESDAY: 20% OFF EDIBLES
WEDNESDAY: $5-$10 OFF GRAMS OF EXTRACTS
THURSDAY: $5 OFF DISTILLATE CARTS
FRIDAY: DISCOUNT FLOWER - FRIDAYS! $10 OFF ZIPS, $5 OFF 8THS
SATURDAY: KRATOM CRAZY SATURDAYS! 25% off Kratom
SUNDAY: GAME DAY SUNDAYS. WIN + PRIZE PURCHASE
Out ‘n About at
the JFM/UAD
pizza party
at John F. Murphy Homes
in Auburn
Best
smile award
definitely goes
to Mike! Thank you
for your 13 years
of hard work and
dedication!
25 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 207-740-9053
Tell us you saw us in Uncle Andy’s Digest
Proudly serving LA for 43 years!
Visit Us
Today!
563 CENTER ST. AUBURN
207-782-7141 GEORGESPIZZA.COM
WELCOME TO THE
GARDEN GRILLE & BAR
LUNCH SPECIALS
STARTING AT $ 9
Join us
Mon - Fri. 11:30a - 1:30p
207.514.2222
14 Great Falls Plaza
Auburn
Eat-In or
Take-Out
Management position available
for motivated individual
APPLY TODAY!
Mike Dudley &
Jimbo
Remedy
Submitted by Jimbo
“Have you been
sleeping by an
open window, like I
advised you to do?”
a doctor asked her
patient.
“Yes, just like you
said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis
gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the
only things gone
are my laptop and
cellphone.”
I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 31

CALL THE PROS
COMPLETE
MECHANICAL REPAIR
I’ll have her
back on the road in
no time!
25 Fern Street
Turner, Maine 04282
(207) 225-5012
www.dickautobody.com
A/C got you down? We can take care of that!
REDEMPTION CENTER
6
¢
on all 5¢ returns
with this coupon.
(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
UAD exp. 7.31.19
We get down & dirty
so you don’t have to!
Bert Gosselin
Owner Operated
207-713-4679
bert.gosselin@gmail.com
FARRELL
ENTERPRISES
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207-576-2501
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Posters • Booklets • Carbonless forms
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Barclay’s Skindivers Paradise skindiversparadise.com
Premier Commercial Cleaning Service
16+ years Experience • Attention to Detail
Fully Insured • Free Consultations • References
Kim Poulin ~ 207.358.9542 or 207.689.5630
Kim.Poulin@theprofessionalexperience.com
We scoop so you
don’t have to!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
32 July 2019 783-7039
Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.

CALL THE PROS
Check
out our
brand new
website!
CorporateIntelligenceInc.com
Comprehensive Investigative, Security
& Background
Screening Services
FINE LINE GUN SHOP
207-998-2374
Guns • Ammo • Supplies
Check out
our Facebook
page for our
newest
inventory!
finelinegun@aol.com
207-783-0000 • corporateintelligenceinc.com
Ralph & Mary Sleeper
590 Plains Road, Poland
Do You or Your Parents Need Help
Moving or Organizing?
Overwhelmed by
clutter?
Call the pros at
Facing a daunting
relocation?
Senior Downsizing
Home Staging • Interior Design
207-200-6507 • refresh207.com
Blackie’s
Farm Fresh Produce
966 Minot Ave, Auburn • 207.786.0005
Open Year Round
6am - 7pm
SML PROO
^ FREADING
Books, Brochures, Menus, Ads, & More
978-239-9591
Spelling!
Grammar!
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smlproofreading@gmail.com
charliehamel@squeegeesquad.com
LYAF
Introducing
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• Window Cleaning
• Exterior House Washing
• Gutter Cleaning
• Light Fixture Cleaning
Commercial & Residential
Call Charlie!
207-782-WASH(9274)
$
10 up to
48 cards
Games pay
$
50- $ 100
Join us for some AFFORDABLE FUN!
Thursday & Friday @ 6:30 • Saturday & Sunday @ 6pm
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 33

CALL THE PROS
DANA’S TRACTOR WORKS
Dana Goding
Rototilling • Bush hogging
Grading
Gravel • Loam • Stone • Mulch
FREE ESTIMATES
782-4081
Email: dgoding@myfairpoint.net
The Village Sweep
Chimney Cleaning, Liners, Repairs
207-783-2497
LA MASONRY
Brick, Stone, Blocks
207-212-4505
No Job too Small - For All Your Masonry Needs
RON’S
Maine’s #1 Mechanical Repair Facility
OIL CHANGES • SHOCKS • STRUTS • INSPECTIONS
Call us today!
515 Gardiner Rd. Wales 375-4924
Office & Light Industrial Cleaning
207-530-8890
Mike Magretto
Veteran Owned & Operated
EmeraldJanitorialServices.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
34
Evening
Chat
Submitted by Tyla Davis
An elderly couple are
talking one evening.
“Honey, I’m so sorry
that I let out my anger
at you so often.
How do you manage
to stay so calm with
my foul moods?”
“I always go and
clean the toilet when
that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because
I’m using your
toothbrush.”
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
A Proud Tradition!
Our clients are proud to work for a paycheck!
Uncle Andy’s Digest & LA Metro Magazine hosted their annual lunch ‘n
learn at JFM Homes to present awards for their many years of service.
If you see one these folks delivering your magazines - Say hello!
A proud partnership since 2001 between JFM & UAD/LAMM
Now Hiring!
If you’re looking for a
rewarding career, let’s talk!
Apply online at JFMHomes.org or in person
at 800 Center Street, Auburn
John F. Murphy Homes, Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer and complies with all
local, state, and federal guidelines in its employment practices & services provided.
Arrogance isn’t attractive. But I am.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties.
Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Being happy doesn’t mean
everything is perfect.
It means you’ve decided to look
beyond the imperfections.
Bachelors
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Tom and Steve were
talking one day at
work. The conversation
turned to
cooking.
“I got a cookbook
once,” said Tom,
“but I could never do
anything with it.”
OUR SERVICES:
Case Management
Housing Resources
Poisson & Sons Auto Care
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FULL SERVICE GAS STATION
Great service,
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PO Box 1319 Lewiston 04243-1319
www.commonties.org
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
GO HOME
ON TIME,
“Too much fancy
cooking in it, eh?”
asked Steve.
“Yep. Every one of
the recipes began
the same way: ‘Take
a clean dish and....’”
SLEEP WELL
AT NIGHT...
NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz
Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Out ‘n About at Smile Again Dentures
We help you Simplify Payroll.
Meet Briana and Kim, New Account Liaisons
With our team, switching is easy!
payrollmgt.com 783-6880
Four Generations of Smiles!
L-R: Joe Adkins, Jessi Hilton,
Mike Adkins, & Alex Hilton
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 35

Out ‘n About at
the 11th annual
Pierre “Pete” J.
Simard Benefit Golf
Tournament
at the Poland Spring
Country Club
The difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
14th Annual
Since 1940
• Restaurant
• Miniature Golf
• Driving Range
• Ice Cream Stand
Glow in the Dark
Mini Golf
Peter Wade
OMG
Dad, I can’t
believe you’re awake
right now!
Jamie Lovejoy
August 3rd @ 7pm
rollback prices!
Saturday, July 13th & 24th,
& August 10th
9pm - 11:30pm
Great
Family
Fun!
I
won’t be for
long. I don’t like
anything, not even
golf, messing with
my 3:00 nap!
Join Us!
The Maine Mini Golf Open*
August 13 th @9:30am
*The Maine Mini Golf Open is a 36 Hole Tournament
$20 entry fee • $ 500 1 st place • Cash prizes for top 5
Daryl Lovejoy
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
36 July 2019 783-7039
Golf Open 10am - 9pm • Restaurant 11am - 9pm
470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • www.tabersgolf.com
It’s not a date until you’ve looked up from your screen and made eye contact.

My husband: “I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable...”
Main Street Music Lessons
207-376-3376
L/A’S MUSIC HEADQUARTERS
LESSONS • REPAIRS • SALES • RENTALS
33 Dunn St., Auburn • 207-376-3376
www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com
70 Broad St. Auburn • 207-783-8471
Hours: Mon. - Thurs. 8am - 6pm
Fri. 8am - 7pm
Sat. 8am - 6pm
Sun. closed
Roy’s FOODLAND
www.ShopAtRoysFoodland.com
Don’t forget
your chicken salad,
“best in town”
or ham salad!
Look for our Buy 1 Get 1 Specials
Check out our Daily Specials
BBQ
TIME
Ground Fresh Daily Hamburger • Steaks • Chicken • Pork
Saturday Bean Special Wednesday Italian Special
Beans, Bread/Rolls & Cole Slaw Ham, Salami, Veggie or Pepperoni
only $ 8.99
only $ 1.99
PARTY SPECIALS
Pizza Packs only $ 8.99 • 2lb Pepperoni Pks only $ 5.99
Astute
Observation
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A police chief is training
three recruits in
suspect identification.
To test their skills
in recognizing a
suspect, he shows
the men a picture for
5 seconds and then
hides it.
“This is your suspect,
how would you
recognize him?”
The first recruit answers,
“That’s easy,
we’ll catch him fast
because he only has
one eye!”
The chief says, “Well
that’s because the
picture I showed is
his side profile.”
Annoyed by the recruit’s
response, he
flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the
second guy and asks
him, “This is your
suspect, how would
you recognize him?”
The second guy
smiles and says,
“Ha! He’d be too
easy to catch because
he only has
one ear!”
The chief angrily responds,
“What’s the
matter with you two?
Of course only one
eye and one ear are
showing because it’s
a picture of his side
profile! Is that the
best answer you can
come up with?”
(continued on next page)
Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and
sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it’s my own reflection!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 37

(continued from previous page)
Extremely frustrated
at this point, he
shows the picture
to the third guy and
in a very testy voice
asks, “This is your
suspect, how would
you recognize him?”
He quickly adds,
“Think hard before
giving me a stupid
answer.”
The third recruit
looks at the picture
intently for a moment
and says, “the suspect
wears contact
lenses.”
The chief is surprised
at the answer
because he doesn’t
know himself if the
suspect wears contacts
or not.
“Well, that’s an
interesting answer.
Wait here for a few
minutes while I
check his file and I’ll
get back to you.” He
leaves the room and
goes to his office,
checks the suspect’s
file on his computer,
and comes back with
a beaming smile on
his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe
it. The suspect
DOES, in fact, wear
contact lenses. Good
work! How were you
able to make such an
astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the
third guy replied. “He
can’t wear regular
glasses because he
only has one eye
and one ear.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
38
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
Golf
is a game
invented to
punish folks
who retire
early.
My wife wanted to watch a scary movie so I took a video
of me opening the credit card bill after our Disney trip.
DMR Sealcoating
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FREE ESTIMATES • 207-740-7655
DMRSealcoating.com
“Reality is something you rise above.” – Liza Minnelli
Out ‘n About at the 11th annual Pierre “Pete” J. Simard Benefit
Golf Tournament at the Poland Spring Country Club
Eddie Pontbriand, Mike Sullivan, Dan Pontbriand, Mark Pontbriand
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station.
Out ‘n About at the 11th annual
Pierre “Pete” J. Simard Benefit Golf
Tournament at the Poland Spring
Country Club
We’ll
just happily
hang out here in
the golf cart
during the
rain!
Out ‘n About at
the 11th annual
Pierre “Pete” J.
Simard Benefit Golf
Tournament
at the Poland Spring
Country Club
Thank
you for everyone
who came out
to play in this tournament!
What a great
day!
Call for a Tour
Rosemary Camire Knight
207-783-0961
Steve Simard
Home for Senior Women
41 Pleasant Street, Auburn
www.chapmanhouse.org
Cathy Simard & Lori Simard
Gary Bennett
It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
Now
that my
grandson Sam is
running around
everywhere, it’s time
for his Papa to teach
him to play
golf!
Bobby Weekley
Did You Know? A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 39

The Mix-up
Submitted by Thomas Hill
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so
I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
A new small business
was opening
and one of the owner’s
friends arranged
for flowers to be sent
to mark the occasion
and wish the owner
luck.
The flowers duly
arrived at the new
business site and the
business owner read
the accompanying
card to find it said,
“Rest in Peace.”
The business owner
rang his friend and
told him what the
card read. The friend
was angry and called
the florist to complain.
Since 1953
Hours: Mon. - Sat. 9a - 10p • Sun. 9a - 8p
LuiggisPizzeria.com
~ DAILY SPECIALS ~
Everyday
1 topping Pizza
w/ meat
$
6.99
wednesday
Spaghetti
Special
$
7.25
Monday
The Fergy
sm. $ 3.25 lg. $ 6.50
thursday
Mini Pizza
1 topping $ 3.60
2 toppings $ 4.45
tuesday
Meatball Sub
sm. $ 3.75 w/cheese $ 4.25
lg. $ 7.50 w/cheese $ 8.50
friday
$
1.00 off
any large pizza
The friend promptly
called the florist shop
to make them aware
of their error.
Having great power is wonderful, until you get the CMP bill.
The florist said, “Sir,
I’m really sorry for
the mistake, but rather
than getting angry
you should consider
this... somewhere
there’s a funeral taking
place today, and
they have flowers
with a note saying,
‘Congratulations on
your new location.’”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
40 July 2019 783-7039
To whomever came up with zero... thanks for nothing!

A Nillionaire is someone with no money.
Out ‘n About at
the 11th annual
Pierre “Pete” J.
Simard Benefit Golf
Tournament
at the Poland Spring
Country Club
Did
you know
that this tournament
benefits
the Maine Chapter
of the International
Association of Arson
Investigators, Annual
Joseph C. Menezes
Scholarship
Program?
www.abcpools.com
207-783-0858
1975 Lisbon Rd, Lewiston
Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9a - 5p • Sat. 9a - 4p • Sun. closed
Out ‘n About at the annual Pierre “Pete” J. Simard Benefit
Golf Tournament at the Poland Spring Country Club
The
worst day
of golf beats
the best day
of work!
Chris Wallace, Scott Gagne, Randy Martin, John Sheehin
Bob Chase
The
Maine IAAI
provides excellent
training and
networking opportunities
for professionals
and organizations in
the field of fire
investigations.
EST. 2017
RESTAURANT & PUB
Join Us!
Moxie Festival - July 12th–14th!
WINGS-BURGERS-PASTA-STEAK -SALADS-MOXIE
2 Main St. Lisbon Falls • (207) 407-4606
www.franksrestaurantpub.com
Is there another word for synonym?
Craig Bouchard
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 41

The balloons
are back!
Featuring Smokey Bear,
celebrating his 75th year!
Along with A Bunch of Bees
and Queen Bee!
FESTIVAL
PARADE
August 17,
at 11 a.m.

LEARN MORE • VOLUNTEER • SPONSOR
GREATFALLSBALLOONFESTIVAL.ORG

Going
Green
Submitted by Tyla Davis
Before going to play
a round of golf, Bertie
went into the local
pro shop. He walked
up and down each
aisle looking around
and frowning.
Finally the sales person
from the store
asked him what he
was looking for.
“I can’t find any
green golf balls,”
Bertie complained.
The sales person
looked all over the
shop, and through all
the catalogs.
Finally he called the
manufacturers and
determined that,
sure enough, there
were no green golf
balls available to
buy.
As Bertie walked out
the door in disgust,
the sales person
asked him, “Before
you go, could you
tell me why you want
green golf balls?”
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
WANTED:
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Androscoggin
& Cumberland
Areas
Call Today
207-225-5627
No Experience Necessary! Train Today, Work Tomorrow!
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Out ‘n About at WD Matthews company barbecue
It’s Your Choice – Choose Experience
“Well, obviously,
because they would
be so much easier
to find in the sand
traps!”
Buying or selling a home can be an exciting and challenging experience.
The buyers and sellers have many details to handle before and after the closing.
Our experienced professionals can help you make this experience a smooth one.
207-784-6413 | 844-202-9268
95 Main Street, Auburn • www.androtitle.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
44 July 2019 783-7039
I am one step away from being rich and all I need now is money.

There’s a store down the street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
LA ’ s premiere
LIFESTYLE
magazine
Out ‘n About at
the 11th annual
Pierre “Pete” J.
Simard Benefit Golf
Tournament
at the Poland Spring
Country Club
Living Prime!
B.J. Grondin
Prime 360
How
many golfers
does it take to
change a light bulb?
FORE!
Dave Girardin
Get your Copy. Support YOUR Community.
Advertise.
www.LAMetroMagazine.com
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Paula Dubois
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 45

Side
Hustle
Submitted by Thomas Hill
“I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.” – Mae West
A young city couple
are driving down a
country lane on their
way to visit some
friends one day.
They suddenly come
to a muddy patch in
the road and don’t
stop in time, so the
car becomes bogged
down and stuck.
After a few minutes
of trying to get the
car out by themselves,
they see a
young farmer coming
down the lane,
driving some oxen in
front of him.
The young farmer
stops when he sees
the couple in trouble
and offers to use the
oxen to pull the car
out of the mud for
$50. The husband
accepts and a few
minutes later the car
is free.
I hate peer pressure, and you should too.
Out ‘n About at St. Dom’s 2019 graduation
Afterward, the farmer
says to the husband,
“You know, you’re
the tenth car I’ve
helped out of the
mud today.”
The husband looks
around at the fields
and asks the farmer,
“When do you have
time to plow your
land? At night?”
The young farmer
says, “Oh no. Night
is when I put the
water in the hole.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
46
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
Amber Shelley, Cassie Roy, Karrington Murphy,
Mikayla Jackson, & Morgan Roy
My girlfriend complained I ruined her birthday.
I don’t see how - I didn’t even know it was her birthday!

PRINT is
Alive and Well
In today’s digital world, most people are
just plain tired of staring at a screen all day.
Uncle Andy’s Digest is still vital and
effective in a digital world.
FACTS FROM OUR AUDIT:
Circulation
It’s true many daily papers have seen their
circulation decline. The Digest’s circulation
has remained consistent for many years and
shows no signs of decline. We have a 97.6%
pick up rate! The national average is 83%.*
97 .6%
of our magazines make
it into the hands of your
consumer!
Readership
Our readership is as high as ever! We have
2.6 readers for every magazine that is
picked up. That’s 25,300 impressions your
ad gets every month! 53% of our readers
keep their Digest for one month or more!
The national average is 30%.*
53 %
hang onto their Digest
for a month or longer!
Purchase Intent
In this age of Amazon Prime and other online
retailers, it’s incredible so many people
plan their shopping activities using our free
local magazine. 81% of our readers frequently
purchase products or services from
ads seen in Uncle Andy’s Digest.*
81 %
frequently purchase
products or services
from ads in the Digest.
25,300 Readers monthly*
Call 207-783-7039 to advertise in Uncle Andy’s Digest!
*Source of Data - 2018 CVC Publication Audit Report
*Circulation Verification Council (CVC) is an independent, third party reporting audit company. CVC audits and data are an unbiased source of market in circulation information.

Out ‘n About at
the 11th annual
Pierre “Pete” J.
Simard Benefit Golf
Tournament
at the Poland Spring
Country Club
Whoa,
check out
the ad to the
right of me. That’s
a lot of sponsors
that made this
golf tournament
happen!
Jeff Martin
A balanced diet could be a cupcake in each hand.
The International Association of Arson Investigators
would like to say THANK YOU to Tournament Sponsors and Players for their
support and Participation in the 11th Annual Pete Simard Golf Tournament
held June 13th, 2019
Special Thanks to the
Tournament Sponsors:
Poland Springs Golf Course, The Simard Family/Julie Simard & Family, Auburn Firefighters,
IAFF Local 797, Bruns Brothers Processing Equipment, Central Distributors, Wheeler’s Market,
Fire & Explosion Investigations, Inc., Gary, Cathy, Allison, & Aaron Simard, Hammond Lumber Company,
Steve, Lori, & Joshua Simard, Poland Fire Rescue Benevolent Assoc., Dan & Janet Perreault, Roy I.
Snow, Inc., Sabattus House of Pizza, Future Foods, UTZ Snacks (John Dalliare-Distributor), Independent
Electrical Inspection of ME, Lewiston Firefighters, IAFF Local 785 (Community Benefit Program), EFI
Global, Poisson’s & Sons Auto Care Center, Inc., Pine Tree Burn Foundation, Marcel’s Barber Shop, Margaritas,
Coastal T Shirts, The Sign Store, Building Controls Maine, State of Maine, Fire Marshal’s Office,
Little Debbie - Sunbelt Snacks (Scott Whalen Distributor), Gipper’s Sports Grill, Modern Woodman of
America, Proctor & Gamble (P&G of Auburn, X2), Pine State Beverages, Vertex (X2), Servpro (Lewiston/
Auburn), Bangor Savings Bank, Above & Beyond, LLC, Adelphi Group, Mr. Tim Allen, Pepsi Bottling
Group, Daddy O’s Diner (Oxford), Roopers, Shaw’s Supermarket, & Gridiron Restaurant
Thank you for your support and we hope you enjoyed the day.
Sincerely, ME/IAAI Board of Directors
Due to recent budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Out ‘n About at St. Dom’s 2019 graduation
Aaron Ouellette
Chris Wilson
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
48 July 2019 783-7039
Morgan Roy & Tanner Marston
Me training a new person at work:
“You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do.”

SUMMER fUn
FAMILY MovieS
FIlms
MIDWEEK MOVIE NIGHTS
presented by the Gendron Franco Center in partnership
with the Lewiston Police Department
presents
ALL MOVIES START AT DUSK.
June 26 / How to Train Your Dragon:
The Hidden World
Free popcorn
Simard Payne Park
& waTer
July 10 / Captain Marvel
Pettingill School Park
July 24 / Incredibles 2
Fleurette Roux Bannon Softball Field (NEXT TO THE COLISEE)
August 6 / mary Poppins Returns
Lewiston Middle School (NATIONAL NIGHT OUT)
aUgusT 21 / Dumbo
Pathway Vineyard Church
Phoenix Academy of Martial Arts
DEMONSTRATION TEAM
Mr. Drew and His ANimals Too
ANIMAL EXHIBIT
FunTime Kids EnterTainment
OBSTACLE COURSE & JUMP HOUSE
L/A NORDIQUES
HOCKEY PUCK ACCURACY CHALLENGE
CelebraTion CorporaTion
10 PERSON PHOTO BOOTH
LewisTon RecreaTion
SPORTING GAMES
Pinky D's
FOOD TRUCK
POISE YOGA
YOGA
acTivities
for all ages
START AT 6:00 Pm
Greater Androscoggin Humane Society
GREET A PET
Party Palooga
BALLOON TWISTING
WITH ADDITIONAL SUPPORT FROM
presented by
FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK FOR
NEWS AND WEATHER UPDATES
FACEBOOK.COM/LEWISTONSUMMERFILMS
THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS, THESE EVENTS ARE
FreE To ATTENd
The person who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
July 2019 UncleAndys.com 49

Secret
Accomplice
Submitted by Jimbo
An out-of-work and
destitute young
man decided to rob
a bank. After days
of observation, he
chose a small satellite
bank near his
home.
He spent several
days planning every
move. Late one dark
moonless night he
picked the lock on
the rear door of
the bank without
difficulty.
He stealthily crept
through the bank to
the place where he
knew the safe stood.
Then his troubles
began. While trying
to open the safe, he
set off the burglar
alarm.
But his careful
preparation paid
off. He had brought
along a furniture dolly.
He quickly loaded
the small safe onto
the dolly and rolled it
out to his van.
He drove to a
friend’s house and
explained his problem.
He asked if, in
exchange for some
of the loot, he might
store the safe in the
friend’s garage for a
few days.
His friend assured
him, “You can rest
assured, your safe is
secret with me!”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
50
Jimbo
July 2019 783-7039
How can I transfer the money that is in mind to my bank account?
BREAKFAST SPECIALS
$
6.45
includes coffee or small beverage
monday 2 eggs, sausage, home fries
& toast
tuesday 2 eggs, corned beef hash
& toast
wednesday 3 blueberry pancakes
thursday French Toast
friday 2 item omelet & toast
saturday 2 golden pancakes &
sausage
sunday French Crepes
Fresh Steak Cut &
Ground Daily!
You won’t go
hungry at Roy’s!
783-4304
Phone orders are welcome
SERVING LA FOR MORE
THAN
It’s often easier to eat that last slice of pizza than to try to
fit the box back in the refrigerator.
Out ‘n About at the JFM/UAD pizza party
$
1
OFF
any purchase
of $ 6 .00 or more
1 coupon per order
Please, no reproduction
of coupons
expires 7.31.19
From all us at Uncle Andy’s Digest:
Thank you to all of the delivery teams at JFM!
Without you, we couldn’t be us!
You don’t know stress until you own a charger that only works
if your phone is at a certain angle.
5 Washington St. Auburn
Mon. - Fri. 5am - 8pm
Sat. & Sun. 6am - 8pm

Home of the Two Year Warranty on all parts & labor*
Time to get your ride on the road!
Tune ups, oil changes, & repairs!
Bring it to the Specialist!
*restrictions apply
it’s
season!
23 Lisbon St., Lisbon/Lewiston line • theshopclassicrestorations.com • 207-353-6100
Schedule your
appointment with
Dr. Che n
today!
207-783-1351
844-DOC-CHEN
730 Center St. Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza
auburnfamilydental.me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
52 July 2019 783-7039 UncleAndysDigest.com