Happiful April 2021

true story
Breaking the silence
over miscarriage
When Bex lost her baby during lockdown, she couldn’t be physically
comforted in her grief by her friends and family. So, she used social
media to help and encourage women like her to openly discuss
a subject that has been taboo for far too long
Writing | Bex Gunn
Instead of writing this article, I should be on
Instagram posting a grainy, black and white
ultrasound image showing a tiny human, along
with some witty banter telling the world I’m
expecting a baby.
But when I went for my 12-week scan, instead
of seeing a little baby full of excited, flashing
heartbeats, I saw a shape; a still, white shape.
And then I heard the words that have engraved
themselves into my brain: “Have you had any pain
or bleeding, Rebecca?”
I was told that there was no heartbeat and that
my baby had died two weeks earlier.
The aftermath — the messy impersonal,
coronavirus-led aftermath — was horrendous.
There were masks and screens and staring eyes
and gloves — and no Rob. My husband had not
been allowed to accompany me to the scan;
coronavirus cruelly robbing us of contact when
we both needed it the most.
And then there were the decisions. Should I let
nature take its course, go home, and wait to start
bleeding? Or should I take the pills that bring
on the miscarriage? Or do I opt for a surgical
removal? The questions and language barriers
between the medics and me were only made
harder by masks.
And then, after the longest time, Rob arrived,
and the nurses made an allowance as these were
‘exceptional circumstances’. They let him in, and
finally there was comfort in touch, and relief,
more pain, but shared pain, the explanations, and
the begging of the nurses: “Are you sure? Could
you have made a mistake? Maybe it’s just too early
for a heartbeat?”
What followed was nearly a week of drugs,
scans, questions, and procedures. There was so
much confusion between doctors about what the
‘safe thing’ was to do during the pandemic, but
eventually, five days later, after the drugs I was
given to bring on the process had failed three
times, I had emergency surgery to remove an
incomplete miscarriage.
The hurt of losing a baby is inescapable and
unbearable. I’ve never known anything like it. It
scorches you from the heart outwards and then,
when the initial burn fades, it’s replaced by a
deep, dark, ache.
I did everything right. I gave up drinking well
before we conceived, I took folic acid, I didn’t
eat rare meat, soft cheese, tuna, or egg yolks.
I exercised, but not too strenuously. I selfisolated
to be safe from the virus, and I was 100%
diligent… and it still happened. It wasn’t my fault.
Baby loss is never anyone’s fault.
Although ‘missed miscarriages’ are not as
common, one in four pregnancies end in
miscarriage, and it’s out of anyone’s control. >>>
happiful.com | April 2021 | 57