Triffids Beard 2 - The Bearded Triffid

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Bushell of the Royal American Mounted Police. The book is a curates egg. The writers are far too self indulgent in their introduction of characters from our reality into theirs, just so that they can smile archly. There is, for example, a used car salesman called Tricky Dick (presumably from Yore Belinda) and a certain John F. Kennedy also makes an appearance. Martin Luther King is the colonial governor and consequently has a very large part to play in the action of the book. Considering that the writers are American, I find it most impressive that they have managed to get so well into the skin of the British colonial mentality. The currency used in the colony is still pounds, shillings and pence and amazingly they get the arithmetic right (the British currency was deliberately designed to confuse Americans, and it succeeded brilliantly). They even successfully come to grips with the guinea and most properly realise that it was not only a unit of currency, it was also a measure of social standing. This subtlety often defeats American commentators, but Turtledove and Dreyfuss are spot on. However they fall flat on their face with some of the language: "...whom will you send out into the field to investigate?" (If only they'd swapped the words and said "whom you will" instead and changed it from a question into a statement). This terrible mis-use of the accusative would never pass the lips of English speakers, (though it is common in current American usage) and I found it intrusive for it seems to be a construction of which Dreyfuss and Turtledove are inordinately fond. The book as a whole is enormous fun. The society pictured is rather like that of the early years of our twentieth century. Airships cruise the skies and trains criss-cross the continent at frequent intervals. The pace of life is leisurely. The hunt for the painting takes our hero over much of the colony and the travelogue aspects of the book are most enjoyable. The standard whodunit aspects are less than thrilling and the twist at the end is not unexpected. But the strengths far outweigh the weaknesses and I strongly recommend the book to all you alternate history fans out there. The next instalment of Stephen King's serial novel is in the shops. Another $4.95 paperback with 92 pages and the most godawful cliff-hanger at the end. I'm not sure I can stand the tension for another month, but I'm going to have to I suppose. I am a big Stephen King fan and this one is shaping up to be one of his best. No doubt it will eventually be published as a single work, but meanwhile I'm going to have to read it in chunks and chew my fingernails in between times. The indescribable Robert Rankin has written another indescribable book whose title is A Dog Called Demolition. The book has lots of verse as chapter headings (until just over half way through when the author gets tired of it) and comes complete with a sound track album on page 249. In between times several people with a bandaged left foot have adventures. It would appear that everybody on earth is being ridden by pale ghostly grey alien figures that control their every thought and action. Well at least that is one point of view. If you examine it from the point of view of the riders you could say that their world has been invaded by solid fleshy beings who have grabbed hold of their legs and won't let go. Danny, however, has no rider for various occult reasons, some of which are connected with the bandaged left foot of one Samuel Sprout at whose funeral Danny was a pall bearer. Since Danny is clear, he is hated by all other people (and their riders). However he is aided by one Parton Vrane who is a mutated cockroach with black teeth and an awesome plonker. Together with a gentleman who is also clear and Mickey Merlin who is a direct descendent and has a book of potent spells (but who is not clear) they go into battle. But all is not as it seems... It all hangs together somehow and being indescribable is also indescribably funny. I have never found a Robert Rankin book I didn't like and this is one of those. But it doesn't have a split windscreen Morris minor in it and it only has a very indirect Brussels sprout, so it isn't perfect. Enter any bookshop nowadays and you will find the shelves groaning under the weight of formulaic fantasy novels. They seem written to a recipe in the same way that Mills and Boone romances are written to a recipe and they sell in their thousands for exactly the same reasons as do the Mills and Boone books. There is comfort in familarity and unoriginality. If you are planning on writing one of these
fantasy novels, you really should read The Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones. In a series of short satirical definitions arranged in an authoritative A- Z she describes all the obligatory facets of a fantasy adventure. For example there will be STEW which will be thick and savoury (ie viscous and dark brown). There will be BEER which foams and is invariably delivered in tankards. It will be bought at an INN which will be made mostly of wood and which will be larger upstairs than downstairs. Downstairs there is room only for a taproom and bar (and maybe a kitchen where STEW will be cooked). Upstairs there are innumerable sleeping chambers (not bedrooms) arranged along never ending corridors so that people can creep through them and break in to search luggage or threaten the occupants with DAGGERS. It should be noted that despite living entirely on STEW (which never seems to contain fresh vegetables and which is never, ever served with a side salad) no fantasy characters ever suffer from SCURVY or any other deficiency diseases... The definitions are trite in themselves but taken together they amount to a devastating destruction of the fantasy cliché and if you have ever read any of those horrible novels you will laugh in delighted recognition at her witticisms and truisms. And you will know exactly how not to write a fantasy novel (though you might sell more copies of your book if you follow her instructions exactly). I was reading the definition of HERO when my cat brought home a rather severly mutilated rat which she proudly deposited on the carpet. It tried to crawl away and hide and so I had to catch it and take it outside to dispose of it. I knew it was evil because it had the REEK OF WRONGNESS. Fortunately being a HERO I was able to beat it, though it wounded me since I lacked ARMOUR (it bit me on the finger). Anonymous Byte Guide to Optimising Windows 95 Osborne Brian Livingstone & David Straub Windows 95 Secrets IDG Books Wilbur Smith River God Macmillan The Seventh Scroll Pan Steven Brust Orca Ace Richard Dreyfuss & Harry Turtledove The Two Georges NEL Stephen King The Green Mile Part 2: The Mouse on the Mile Penguin Robert Rankin A Dog Called Demolition Doubleday Diana Wynne Jones The Tough Guide to Fantasyland Vista
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Trimmings From The Triffid's Beard
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Foreword Unlike most holics, (if, a
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Buster Keaton and the lateral mind
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Movie Go Round Phlogiston Thirty-Fi
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crisps and a most revolting orange
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Lingua Frankly Phlogiston Thirty-Si
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tranquil islands of San Serif as th
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linguistic analysis. It is a theme
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up is laughable (feudalism across t
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perhaps over six feet." or "The per
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A Dozen Drabbles Phlogiston Thirty-
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This sort of thing had been going o
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In the story Jack Connie Willis cho
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(assuming the author describes them
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You should also consider whether or
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The Lesser Spotted Science Fiction
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. . . She peered at the cracked man
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stick. He hit the bed, and it was s
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Funny Business Phlogiston Forty-One
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...A large bottle. And in the bottl
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His wit and wisdom are highly prais
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16 novels, a Companion and a Mappe,
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weekends, many fine fictional works
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Zelazny brought Corwin's struggle t
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ordinary). He has also written some
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using them. Such ideas are reinforc
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that is quite frightening in the ra
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(v = velocity of aeroplane, c = spe
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press in recent years about people
Page 74 and 75: John Kilian Houston Brunner (1934-1
Page 77 and 78: In the Beginning Phoenixine Seventy
Page 80 and 81: It's Only Words Phoenixine Seventy-
Page 82: Alan Dean Foster Montezuma Strip As
Page 85 and 86: Drachenfels is absolutely brilliant
Page 88 and 89: There's a Pigeon in the Hole Phlogi
Page 90 and 91: detective story. Currently, under t
Page 92: Shock -- The unofficial Iain M Bank
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Page 103 and 104: To Be Continued Phoenixine Seventy-
Page 105: searching out and nullifying sabote
Page 108 and 109: various acquaintances. Most of the
Page 112 and 113: The Mixture As Before Phoenixine Ei
Page 114 and 115: Paul J. McAuley's new novel Fairyla
Page 116: John Barnes Kaleidoscope Century Mi
Page 119 and 120: and move hastily on. It is also qui
Page 121: outside of these areas it is corres
Page 127 and 128: Genre? Phoenixine Eighty-Two, July
Page 129: example, it is genuinely moving. On
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Page 135 and 136: Living in an SF Novel Phoenixine Ei
Page 137 and 138: Robyn Gossett is an entertaining wr
Page 140 and 141: Youthful Vices Phoenixine Eighty-Fi
Page 142 and 143: story is ever continued, I will be
Page 145 and 146: Connections Phoenixine Eighty-Six,
Page 147 and 148: have worried. She is on the top of
Page 150 and 151: New Things Phoenixine Eighty-Eight,
Page 152 and 153: novel with a lot of libertarian pre
Page 155 and 156: Oh Frabjous Day Phoenixine Eighty-N
Page 157: Falco, the detective in Vespasian's
Page 160 and 161: autobiography and several smaller a
Page 162: anyone to be proud of. But Malafren
Page 165 and 166: It sounded good and I dived into it
Page 168 and 169: Real Hols Phoenixine Ninety-One, Ma
Page 170 and 171: few months ago and complained that
Page 173 and 174: I Can't Lift up My Book Phoenixine
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There was a time, many years ago, w
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Moronicity Phoenixine Ninety-Three,
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my body opening in anticipation of
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Cats Phoenixine Ninety-Four, June 1
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With Higher Education, Sheffield an
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Food Phoenixine Ninety-Five, July 1
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through. His books pull you up with
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Snot Phoenixine Ninety-Six, August
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I have no hesitation in recommendin
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Tower Blocks and Graffiti Phoenixin
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picture had appeared on the wall an
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As I collected my luggage, the clou
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the Kay Scarpetta stories. Other th
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Ah -- so now I was having earthquak
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went back to the dentist. "Oh yes,
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Tony Phoenixine One-Hundred, Decemb
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ut when she puts her mind to it she
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Bouncy Phoenixine One-Hundred and O
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slammed shut as the wind screamed p
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A series of bizarre murders is shak
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The Universe Hates Me Phoenixine On
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humour with which this farrago of n
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Diatribe on Language Phoenixine One
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unless your school principle says s
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with large gaps in his memory and a
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Toilets Phoenixine One-Hundred and
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wall rather than recessed into it.
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Richard Matheson I am Legend Orb Ro
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almost a reprise of the war of 1812
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McConnell's book Code Complete proc
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Fiji Phoenixine One-Hundred and Six
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Every night the resident trio of mu
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The next day I flew home and the vi
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Triffids Beard 2 - The Bearded Triffid

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