Triffids Beard 2 - The Bearded Triffid

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to do with it) but the wait has been worth while. Nothing Burns in Hell is not a science fiction novel, it is a private eye detective novel, but it still has the distinctive Farmer touch. The novel is set in Peoria, where Farmer himself lives. Corbie is a private eye married to a wiccan called Glinna who will only sleep with him when the stars are propitious. There are crystal balls and pyramids arranged in hexagrams under the bed in order to focus the most intense sexual energy. Corbie claims to be so conditioned that he can't drive past a crystal shop without getting a hard on. Corbie is hired to witness an illegal transfer of money in a cemetery. The transaction goes bloodily wrong. One of the villains has cancerous growths sprouting like tendrils from his around his mouth. In a fight with the woman who hired Corbie, one of the tendrils is bitten off (to the accompaniment of great cries of pain and much blood). Later Corbie finds the tumour lying like a worm near the gravestone where the fight took place. He chases the villains and ends up a prisoner of the tendrilled man, his brother and the enormously fat wife they share; truly a gruesome hillbilly threesome. Tortures and humiliations (lovingly described) are heaped upon him and murder is about to be done. But Corbie escapes, wounding the villain most cruelly with a snapping turtle. It is unclear just what is going on (and why) but Corbie now has a motive to get to the bottom of this business. Greed, venality, hatred and noisy neighbours are Corbie's constant companions. The body count (and the mutilations) mount steadily. This is pure pulp fiction, no punches pulled and no holds barred. Gruesome and funny by turns, and definitely not for the weak of stomach, it is a very powerful and very odd book. It is by Philip José Farmer, after all. Work finished on Friday and I wasn't due to fly home until Sunday. I had a whole day free to do the tourist thing. I booked a cruise to Malamala, an uninhabited island, total surface area about six acres. You can walk around the entire island in about ten minutes (I timed myself). On arrival the boat crew gave us a traditional Fijian welcome and served yaqona (kava). It looks and tastes rather like dirty dishwater and contains a narcotic that numbs the mouth. If you drink enough, the numbness spreads across the face and over the body. It is traditionally drunk sitting down since the numbness prevents you from standing up. It is an extract from the root of a local variety of pepper plant and the very best kava is prepared in the traditional way by toothless old women who chew the root and spit into a communal bowl. This extract is then diluted with water and drunk with great ceremony. In deference to the sensibilities of their guests, our crew prepared the drink from dried kava root -- not a spitting old lady to be seen. I felt vaguely disappointed. The slang name for kava is "grog". In Nadi I saw a kava bar -- it was called "The Olde Grogge Shoppe". I left the other cruise people to their own devices and went over to the opposite side of the island to be alone. I sat beneath a palm tree and sipped a cold beer. The only sound was the gentle lapping of the waves on the beach. I watched the fierce sunlight dance across the waves. On the horizon more islands beckoned mysteriously. The sense of utter solitude and complete isolation and tranquillity was restful and relaxing. It seemed the world had gone away. I emptied my mind and let the tensions drain. I rejoined the rest of the group and we went out on a glass bottomed boat to view the coral. An enormous brain coral sprawled and vivid blue fish swam hither and yon. A baby shark swam innocently by and I saw a furiously bustling jellyfish with a purple centre. The boat moved further out to the edge of the reef and some of the group went snorkelling. One of the boat crew threw bread into the water and the sea boiled as hundreds of zebra striped fish appeared seemingly from nowhere to gorge upon the bread. A young snorkeller found herself in the middle of the shoal and she giggled uncontrollably as they tickled her in their feeding frenzy. When the snorkellers returned to the boat they were all scratching furiously. The water was aswarm with sea lice and as we headed back to shore the people began to develop red lumps.
The next day I flew home and the violently abrupt contrast between the world I returned to and the world I left was shocking. Much of Sunday was spent in the office and it was hard to believe that only the day before I had done a most romantic thing. I had walked alone around an uninhabited Pacific island. It satisfied a lifetime ambition; R. M. Ballantyne eat your heart out! James Hawes A White Merc With Fins Rancid Aluminium Vintage John Dunning Booked to Die The Bookman's Wake Avon Frederik Pohl O Pioneer! Tor Philip José Farmer Nothing Burns in Hell Forge
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Trimmings From The Triffid's Beard
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Foreword Unlike most holics, (if, a
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Buster Keaton and the lateral mind
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Movie Go Round Phlogiston Thirty-Fi
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crisps and a most revolting orange
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Lingua Frankly Phlogiston Thirty-Si
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tranquil islands of San Serif as th
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linguistic analysis. It is a theme
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up is laughable (feudalism across t
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perhaps over six feet." or "The per
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A Dozen Drabbles Phlogiston Thirty-
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This sort of thing had been going o
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In the story Jack Connie Willis cho
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(assuming the author describes them
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You should also consider whether or
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The Lesser Spotted Science Fiction
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. . . She peered at the cracked man
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stick. He hit the bed, and it was s
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Funny Business Phlogiston Forty-One
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...A large bottle. And in the bottl
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His wit and wisdom are highly prais
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16 novels, a Companion and a Mappe,
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weekends, many fine fictional works
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Zelazny brought Corwin's struggle t
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ordinary). He has also written some
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using them. Such ideas are reinforc
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that is quite frightening in the ra
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(v = velocity of aeroplane, c = spe
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press in recent years about people
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John Kilian Houston Brunner (1934-1
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In the Beginning Phoenixine Seventy
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It's Only Words Phoenixine Seventy-
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Alan Dean Foster Montezuma Strip As
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Drachenfels is absolutely brilliant
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There's a Pigeon in the Hole Phlogi
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detective story. Currently, under t
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Shock -- The unofficial Iain M Bank
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worlds (The Two Timers), interstell
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that were published in the Azazel c
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they came out and his new one is ju
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To Be Continued Phoenixine Seventy-
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searching out and nullifying sabote
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various acquaintances. Most of the
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The Mixture As Before Phoenixine Ei
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Paul J. McAuley's new novel Fairyla
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John Barnes Kaleidoscope Century Mi
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and move hastily on. It is also qui
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outside of these areas it is corres
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Bushell of the Royal American Mount
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Genre? Phoenixine Eighty-Two, July
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example, it is genuinely moving. On
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ody, and the game is afoot. The res
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Living in an SF Novel Phoenixine Ei
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Robyn Gossett is an entertaining wr
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Youthful Vices Phoenixine Eighty-Fi
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story is ever continued, I will be
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Connections Phoenixine Eighty-Six,
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have worried. She is on the top of
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New Things Phoenixine Eighty-Eight,
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novel with a lot of libertarian pre
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Oh Frabjous Day Phoenixine Eighty-N
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Falco, the detective in Vespasian's
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autobiography and several smaller a
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anyone to be proud of. But Malafren
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It sounded good and I dived into it
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Real Hols Phoenixine Ninety-One, Ma
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few months ago and complained that
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I Can't Lift up My Book Phoenixine
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There was a time, many years ago, w
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Moronicity Phoenixine Ninety-Three,
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my body opening in anticipation of
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Cats Phoenixine Ninety-Four, June 1
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With Higher Education, Sheffield an
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Food Phoenixine Ninety-Five, July 1
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through. His books pull you up with
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Snot Phoenixine Ninety-Six, August
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I have no hesitation in recommendin
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Tower Blocks and Graffiti Phoenixin
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picture had appeared on the wall an
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Page 208 and 209: Ah -- so now I was having earthquak
Page 210 and 211: went back to the dentist. "Oh yes,
Page 213 and 214: Tony Phoenixine One-Hundred, Decemb
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Page 220 and 221: slammed shut as the wind screamed p
Page 222 and 223: A series of bizarre murders is shak
Page 225 and 226: The Universe Hates Me Phoenixine On
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Page 230 and 231: Diatribe on Language Phoenixine One
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Page 234 and 235: with large gaps in his memory and a
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Page 239 and 240: wall rather than recessed into it.
Page 241: Richard Matheson I am Legend Orb Ro
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Page 251: Every night the resident trio of mu
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Triffids Beard 2 - The Bearded Triffid

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