Anni - The Perfect Wisdom Web

t h a l ec o l l e g eidea that enlightenment and excellence should come fromwithin still pursued her.d i a r yMarch 8, 1929Frau Direktorin told me that I am phlegmatic andfalling asleep, that I need more intensity and eagerness.That something is demanded of us when we are here,especially those of us who have passed their Abitur. I amnot sure how she means that, but I don’t know whereI am supposed to get intensity and eagerness from. Forthat, you need something to draw on. Still, she has beenquite open about everything, and now at least I can’tdeceive myself anymore. For worst of all is the fact thatshe possibly still has some hope that there may be somethingalive in me. (At least that is what she says, but Ialmost think she says that only out of sympathy, and thatis much worse.)But now I do know that it is a complete illusion thatI in myself am anything. Already in Naumburg I knewthat all the time, but I kept suppressing it, and Irmgardalso knew this about me, and also suppressed it. I thoughtthat after I left Naumburg this feeling would never comeback, but now it is like that again. If only I did not knowit! It would be better to live like an animal than always tosee and know that there is something deeper and yet torealize that you can’t attain it, that you are only deceivingyourself all the time. I am supposed to master everything41