Anni - The Perfect Wisdom Web

l a s t m o n t h s i n t h a l earound with you. But it could only be people with whomyou feel an inner kinship. It cannot be just anybody. Ifonly there could be something like that! It is also verydifficult to find such a connection with another person.This can be very hard. The more complex a person is, themore difficult it is likely to be.Why can’t one simply get close to people –Horner,or even Kühn? But that is something quite different. Itis unbearable that Kühn isn’t here anymore, that we aretaught by such a boring person as Schröder. Kühn is theperson who up till now has meant the most for my life.This is not just an emotional enthusiam or anything likethat. It is just how it is, and it is often bitterly hard.I can see that my whole life is already botched, thatit hasn’t meant anything, that it was simply the life ofa creature who was tormenting herself. All seemingsuccess or recognition is only deception. At the bottomof my heart I never believed in it and I also dare not. Itis self-deception when I believe, in happy moments, thatI have been called to something. In reality it certainly isnot so, I will never be able to do anything proper, neitherpractical nor theoretical. The worst is that I and otherskeep glossing it over, never wanting to speak the truthto anyone’s face. And then everything falls apart and isvery painful, but once it has, at least you no longer haveany right to such presumptuousness. Sometimes selfcontemptand repulsion with yourself take hold, and stillthe farce continues to be acted out.This probably sounds very childish and unpolishedbut I can’t help myself – it hasn’t become any different81