Meeting-The-Challenge-Making-a-Difference-Practitioner-Guide

PRACTICAL GUIDANCE
What might get in
the way of achieving
a boundaried
relationship?
Often what gets in the way of
achieving a boundaried
relationship is strong emotion
and challenging behaviour on
the part of both the service
user and the worker. We know
that people who may attract a
diagnosis of personality
disorder have difficulties with
their emotions, their behaviour
and their relationships. This is
bound to emerge in the
relationship with the worker.
The direct expression of strong
emotion may evoke the same
in the worker. If a service user
gets very angry with a worker,
maybe because they have not
responded to a request, this
may make the worker feel very
anxious and lead to him/her
reacting by trying to calm the
anger but in doing so the worker
may risk doing too much for
the service user in a way that
interferes with the development
of personal agency. Conversely,
the worker may get angry and
behave accordingly, so that
the service user feels
misunderstood and rejected.
HOW CAN WE DEAL WITH OUR OWN AND OTHERS’
INTENSE EXPRESSIONS OF EMOTION?
In order not to get caught up and overwhelmed by intense
feelings that the service user may have, it helps to be aware
that they have strong feelings, and to ‘step back’ a bit.
Allowing a slight psychological distance, makes it less likely
that we will react thoughtlessly. It also enables us to
identify the emotion and put words to it. If you can’t tell
exactly what the person is feeling, it helps to at least
acknowledge that they are feeling very stirred up or upset.
We need to identify our own emotions privately to ourselves –
it is not usually helpful to tell the service user how their
behaviour makes you feel, but sometimes how we feel is a clue
to how they are feeling. If you start to feel very frustrated
with them, for example, it may be that they are feeling very
frustrated with you or the situation they are in. We need to
help the service user to identity their feelings in an open and
explicit way. This can best be achieved by adopting an attitude
of curiosity about the service user’s emotions. If we talk with
certainty (‘you are very angry’) this risks sounding patronizing
and overbearing. Saying ‘Something about this situation has
really got to you’ or ‘We all feel angry when things don’t work
out the way we want’ is less judgmental and more comradely.
COMMENTS THAT MAY HELP
RESTORE COMMUNICATION
• Something about this situation
has really upset you.
• Can we think together what it
is that has upset you so much.
• I’m sorry – I realize that would
have been upsetting for you.
• I realize this is very frustrating
for you but can we think
together about how to try
and sort it out, and how to
avoid this happening again.
• I get the sense you are
feeling under tremendous
pressure – is that right?
COMMENTS THAT MAY MAKE
THINGS WORSE WHEN
SOMEONE IS ANGRY
• You can’t always get what
you want.
• You know there is nothing
I can do about this.
• Calm down.
• I’m not going to speak to
you while you are shouting
at me.
• We’ve been here before and
my answer is the same as it
was last time: I can’t do that.
• Your behaviour is starting to
make me very angry.
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