The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

THE EXPEDITION OF HUMPHRY CLINKER 209
with his second-hand finery, but he fawned, and flattered, and
cringed—he taught her to take rappee, and presented her with a
snuff-box of papier maché—he supplied her with a powder for her
teeth—he mended her complexion, and he dressed her hair in the
Paris fashion—he undertook to be her French master and her
dancing-master, as well as friseur, and thus imperceptibly wound
himself into her good graces. Clinker perceived the progress he
had made, and repined in secret—He attempted to open her eyes
in the way of exhortation, and finding it produced no effect, had
recourse to prayer. At Newcastle, while he attended Mrs. Tabby
to the methodist meeting, his rival accompanied Mrs. Jenkins to
the play. He was dressed in a silk coat, made at Paris for his former
master, with a tawdry waistcoat of tarnished brocade; he wore his
hair in a great bag with a huge solitaire, and a long sword dangled
from his thigh. The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring,
washed gauze, and ribbons three times refreshed; but she was most
remarkable for the frisure of her head, which rose, like a pyramid,
seven inches above the scalp, and her face was primed and patched
from the chin up to the eyes; nay, the gallant himself had spared
neither red nor white in improving the nature of his own com-
plexion. In this attire, they walked together through the high
street to the theatre, and as they passed for players ready dressed
for acting, they reached it unmolested; but as it was still light when
they returned, and by that time the people had got information of
their real character and condition, they hissed and hooted all the
way, and Mrs. Jenkins was all bespattered with dirt, as well as
insulted with the opprobrious name of painted Jezabel, so that her
fright and mortification threw her into an hysteric fit the moment
she came home.
Clinker was so incensed at Dutton, whom he considered as the
cause of her disgrace, that he upbraided him severely for having
turned the poor young woman’s brain. The other affected to treat
him with contempt, and mistaking his forbearance for want of
courage, threatened to horse-whip him into good manners. Hum-
phry then came to me, humbly begging I would give him leave to
chastise my servant for his insolence—‘He has challenged me to
fight him at sword’s point; (said he) but I might as well challenge
him to make a horse-shoe, or a plough iron; for I know no more of
the one than he does of the other.—Besides, it doth not become ser-
vants to use those weapons, or to claim the privilege of gentlemen