The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

52 TOBIAS SMOLLETT
cash, his counsellor has engaged him to give a general tea-drinking
to-morrow at Wiltshire’s room. In order to give it the more eclat,
every table is to be furnished with sweet-meats and nose-gays;
which, however, are not to be touched till notice is given by the
ringing of a bell, and then the ladies may help themselves without
restriction. This will be no bad way of trying the company’s
breeding—’
‘I will abide by that experiment, (cried my uncle) and if I could
find a place to stand secure, without the vortex of the tumult,
which I know will ensue, I would certainly go thither and enjoy
the scene.’ Quin proposed that we should take our station in the
musick-gallery; and we took his advice. Holder had got thither
before us, with his horns perdue; but we were admitted. The tea-
drinking passed as usual; and the company having risen from the
tables, were sauntring in groupes, in expectation of the signal for
attack, when the bell beginning to ring, they flew with eagerness
to the desert, and the whole place was instantly in commotion.
There was nothing but justling, scrambling, pulling, snatching,
struggling, scolding, and screaming. The nosegays were torn from
one another’s hands and bosoms; the glasses and china went to
wreck; the tables and floor were strewed with comfits. Some cried;
some swore; and the tropes and figures of Billingsgate were used
without reserve in all their native zest and flavour; nor were those
flowers of rhetoric unattended with significant gesticulation. Some
snapped their fingers; some forked them out; some clapped their
hands, and some their back-sides; at length, they fairly proceeded
to pulling caps, and everything seemed to presage a general battle;
when Holder ordered his horns to sound a charge, with a view to
animate the combatants, and inflame the contest; but this manœuvre
produced an effect quite contrary to what he expected. It was a note
of reproach that roused them to an immediate sense of their dis-
graceful situation. They were ashamed of their absurd deportment,
and suddenly desisted. They gathered up their caps, ruffles, and
handkerchiefs; and great part of them retired in silent mortifica-
tion.
Quin laughed at this adventure; but my uncle’s delicacy was
hurt. He hung his head in manifest chagrin, and seemed to repine
at the triumph of his judgment—Indeed, his victory was more
complete than he imagined; for, as we afterwards learned, the two
amazons who singularized themselves most in the action, did not