_OceanofPDF.com_The_Girl_on_the_Train_-_Paula_Hawkins

MEGAN
• • •
FRIDAY, JULY 12, 2013
MORNING
She’s forced my hand. Or maybe he has. My gut tells me she. Or my
heart tells me so, I don’t know. I can feel her, the way I could before,
curled up, a seed within a pod, only this seed’s smiling. Biding her time.
I can’t hate her. And I can’t get rid of her. I can’t. I thought I would be
able to, I thought I would be desperate to scrape her out, but when I think
about her, all I can see is Libby’s face, her dark eyes. I can smell her
skin. I can feel how cold she was at the end. I can’t get rid of her. I don’t
want to. I want to love her.
I can’t hate her, but she scares me. I’m afraid of what she’ll do to me,
or what I’ll do to her. It’s that fear that woke me just after five this
morning, soaked in sweat despite the open windows and the fact that I’m
alone. Scott’s at a conference, somewhere in Hertfordshire or Essex or
somewhere. He’s back tonight.
What is it with me, that I’m desperate to be alone when he’s here, and
when he’s gone I can’t bear it? I can’t stand the silence. I have to talk out
loud just to make it go away. In bed this morning, I kept thinking, what if
it happens again? What’s going to happen when I’m alone with her?
What’s going to happen if he won’t have me, won’t have us? What
happens if he guesses that she isn’t his?
She might be, of course. I don’t know, but I just feel that she isn’t.
Same way I feel that she’s a she. But even if she isn’t, how would he
know? He won’t. He can’t. I’m being stupid. He’ll be so happy. He’ll be
mental with joy when I tell him. The thought that she might not be his
won’t even cross his mind. Telling him would be cruel, it would break
his heart, and I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve never wanted to hurt him.
I can’t help the way I am.
“You can help what you do, though.” That’s what Kamal says.