_OceanofPDF.com_The_Girl_on_the_Train_-_Paula_Hawkins

we’d have lots of opportunities like that, that our lives would be full of
adventure. In the end we didn’t go, and that summer Ben lost control of
his motorbike on the A10, and he and I never got to go sailing.
I miss the way we were when we were together, Ben and I. We were
fearless.
I’ve told Kamal all about Ben, but we’re getting closer to the other
stuff now, the truth, the whole truth—what happened with Mac, the
before, the after. It’s safe with Kamal, he can’t ever tell anyone because
of patient confidentiality.
But even if he could tell someone, I don’t think he would. I trust him,
I really do. It’s funny, but the thing that’s been holding me back from
telling him everything is not the fear of what he’d do with it, it’s not the
fear of judgement, it’s Scott. It feels like I’m betraying Scott if I tell
Kamal something I can’t tell him. When you think about all the other
stuff I’ve done, the other betrayals, this should be peanuts, but it isn’t.
Somehow this feels worse, because this is real life, this is the heart of
me, and I don’t share it with him.
I’m still holding back, because obviously I can’t say everything I’m
feeling. I know that’s the point of therapy, but I just can’t. I have to keep
things vague, jumble up all the men, the lovers and the exes, but I tell
myself that’s OK, because it doesn’t matter who they are. It matters how
they make me feel. Stifled, restless, hungry. Why can’t I just get what I
want? Why can’t they give it to me?
Well, sometimes they do. Sometimes all I need is Scott. If I can just
learn how to hold on to this feeling, this one I’m having now—if I could
just discover how to focus on this happiness, enjoy the moment, not
wonder about where the next high is coming from—then everything will
be all right.
EVENING
I have to focus when I’m with Kamal. It’s difficult not to let my mind
wander when he looks at me with those leonine eyes, when he folds his
hands together on his lap, long legs crossed at the knee. It’s hard not to
think of the things we could do together.
I have to focus. We’ve been talking about what happened after Ben’s
funeral, after I ran off. I was in Ipswich for a while; not long. I met Mac
there, the first time. He was working in a pub or something. He picked
me up on his way home. He felt sorry for me.