THE INTERNATIONAL - International Indian

[ LET’S ASK DR DOBSON ]
Those difficult
teen years
“Sometimes we have to be reminded that the human
personality grows through adversity... Those who have
learned to conquer their problems are better anchored
than those who have never faced them.”
James C. Dobson, Ph.D., is Founder
and President of Focus on the Family, a
non-profit organization dedicated to the
preservation of the home. His syndicated
radio programmes are heard on more than
2,500 broadcasting facilities in North
America and on over 3,000 facilities in
over 40 countries. His website www.
family.org is extremely popular too. Dr.
Dobson served for 14 years as Associate
Clinical Professor of Paediatrics at the
University of Southern California School
of Medicine, and was an attending staff
psychologist for 17 years at the Children’s
Hospital of Los Angeles in the division of
Child Development and Medical Genetics.
His first book for parents and teachers,
‘Dare to Discipline’, has sold over two
million copies and was selected as one of
50 titles to be rebound and placed in the
White House Library. His subsequent 12
books on the family are also best-sellers. Dr.
Dobson’s premier film series, Focus on the
Family, saw immense popularity, and to
date has been viewed by more than seventy
million people. Numerous awards and
honours have marked Dr. Dobson’s lifetime
of work, including the 1987 Marian
Pfister Anschutz Award and recognition
of Distinguished Humanitarian Contributions
by the California State Psychological
Association in 1988.
Our fifteen-year-old daughter is getting
some rough treatment at the hands of her
peers these days. She wasn’t invited to a
party given by a girl who had been her
best friend, and she cried herself to sleep
that night. It’s just tearing me up to see
her hurt like this. Will this experience
leave lifelong scars on her mind?
It’s a matter of degree. Most teenagers
experience a measure of rejection like your
daughter is experiencing. They typically
roll with the punches and eventually get
beyond the discomfort. Others, however, are
wounded for life by the rejection of those
adolescent experiences. I suggest you give
your daughter plenty of emotional support,
keep her talking, and do what you can to help
her cope. I think she’ll get her legs under her
when the pressure of these years has passed.
Let me address the larger issue here.
When we see our children struggling with
the teen experience or other frustrations,
it’s natural to wish we could sweep aside
the problems and obstacles. Sometimes
we have to be reminded that the human
personality grows through adversity. “No
pain, no gain,” as they say. Those who have
conquered their problems are more secure
than those who have never faced them.
I learned the value of hard times from
my own experience. During my seventh
and eighth grades, I lived through the most
painful years of my life. I found myself in
a social cross fire that gave rise to intense
feelings of inferiority and doubt. And yet
those two years have contributed more
positive qualities to my adult personality
than any other span of my life. What I
learned through that experience is still
useful to me today.
Though it may be hard to accept now,
your child needs the minor setbacks and
disappointments that come her way. How
can she learn to cope with problems and
frustrations if her early experiences are
totally without trial! Nature tells us this is
true. A tree that’s planted in a rain forest is
never forced to extend its roots downward
in search of water. Consequently, it remains
poorly anchored and can be toppled by
even a moderate wind. By contrast, a
mesquite tree that’s planted in a dry desert
is threatened by its hostile environment. It
can only survive by sending its roots down
thirty feet or more into the earth, seeking
cool water. But through this adaptation to
an arid land, the well-rooted tree becomes
strong and steady against all assailants.
Our children are like the two trees in
some ways. Those who have learned to
conquer their problems are better anchored
than those who have never faced them.
Our task as parents, then, is not to eliminate
every challenge for our children but to serve as
a confidant ally on their behalf, encouraging
them when they are distressed, intervening
when the threats are overwhelming, and
above all, giving them the tools they need to
overcome the obstacles.
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THE INTERNATIONAL INDIAN