[ SEX, LIES & TRUTH ] How Men Really Think about Sex Discover 3 key insights into the mystery of male sexuality [ by PaULa RInEHaRT ] 1. Sexual Identity The best metaphor to describe a man’s psyche is that of a seamless fabric. Men see themselves as a whole entity. If they feel good about their sex life then that sense of adequacy spills over into other important parts of their experience. And conversely, if their sex life is floundering, then the rest cannot be too far behind, they reason. Men have much less ability to confine their sexual experience into one small part of the whole. Ed is a case in point. He claims that inadequacy follows him around like a dog nipping at his heels. He may be great in a boardroom – but he’s not all that good in bed, at least by his assessment of his wife’s desire for him. In his mind, it’s only a matter of time until others discover that he’s not as competent as he’s cracked up to be. He tends to measure himself, however unfortunately, by how physically connected he feels to his wife. Sex is the clearest language he knows and it speaks volumes to the whole of him. While a woman might say she’s happy in her marriage even if the sex isn’t all that great and hasn’t been for a long time, her husband would tend to say their marriage is in jeopardy. There is much more resting on the sexual connection – for most men, anyway – because sex says more to a man about himself. 2. Sexual Affirmation Clark rises at the crack of dawn to iron the police uniform he proudly wears into town each day. He never knows what will come his way – domestic violence, a routine traffic stop where someone pulls a gun, a child lost on streets that aren’t safe. He just knows he has to be ready to make the right call in an instant. Clark would tell you that a good word from his police sergeant is music to his ears. He loves the work he does. But as he crawls into bed with his wife at night, he admits that nothing can touch what a warm reception from her means to him. Somehow her touch makes the rest of the world go away – at least for awhile. I have wondered, along with many women I’m sure, why sex seems to mean so much to a man. How does a tryst so basic, so fundamentally simple, cut through all the underbrush of a man’s life and touch something at the core of him? George Gilder, in his wonderful book, Men and Marriage, puts words to this mystery. Gilder calls women the “sexually superior” gender. By that he means that our bodies mirror more about being female. We can give birth and breast-feed children – glorious acts of power and influence unavailable to men. Our bodies can actually house people; they are versatile. Only one sexual act – intercourse – reflects to a man that indeed, he is a man. And in that act, performance is vital. A woman can relate to a man sexually whether she is into the experience or not. If a man cannot perform sexually, it’s a “show-stopper,” as they say. Gilder writes: “Men must perform. … The man is less secure sexually than the woman because his sexuality is dependent on action, and he can act sexually only through a precarious process difficult to control. For men the desire for sex is not simply a quest for pleasure. It is an indispensable test of identity (emphasis mine).” Every day a man walks into a world that says, essentially, “Prove yourself. Prove that as a man, you have something worthwhile to offer.” In ways both blatant and subtle, a man is evaluated and measured and stacked up against the next guy all day long. The big question in his mind, conscious or not, is whether he is man enough. Does he have what it takes to win the contract, win the woman, win the war? Sex, then, is not the only route to affirmation – but it is surely the quickest and most direct one for a man. It is a confirmation so deep that it is far more soul-ish than physical in nature. Sex means more to a man because, indeed, he hears in it a message about himself. The way this plays out in a marriage is that when a man is turned down in his overture for sexual intimacy, it feels more personal than seems reasonable to either party. It feels like rejection. When it comes to matters sexual, a man tends to lose his normal hold on objectivity. Other situations he can see clearly. If his wife speaks irritably at dinner after she’s had a hard day – it’s not about him. If she overspent on her credit card, then she’s got a problem she’s got to solve. But when he’s denied a bid for sexual intimacy, it feels to him as though he, himself, his very person, is being rejected. And only after he works to get past that awful feeling does he stand a chance of hearing that his wife actually does, in fact, have a splitting headache. This is, at least, the internal process that many men go through. 3. Sexual Angst Each conversation I’ve had with the men I’ve counseled brought big “ah-ha” moments for me as I’ve listened to them talk about their encounters with sexual angst. When a man chooses a woman to marry, he knows he is limiting his sexual options to her alone. In the arms of this one woman, he rests the most emotionally vulnerable aspect of his being. In talking to couples, a woman’s pain in a relationship comes out clearly, and usually rather quickly. She longs (and rightly so) for a man who will truly hear her and understand what she’s up against. “I bare my soul to my husband and he just stares at me blankly and slowly starts to edge out of the room,” a woman may complain. You can sense the pain in the betrayal and disappointment she feels. It’s nearly palpable sometimes. But often the same woman will miss entirely the irony of her situation. Her husband feels the same pain just as poignantly – only his sense of being overlooked, not wanted, not attended to is sexual. A major breakthrough in a couple’s life happens when they let their personal pain guide them to the heart of the other person. The awful way I feel when my husband backs out of an important conversation is a window into the way he feels when his sexual life goes begging. The pain we feel, then, can tutor and motivate us to reach out and touch the other person in the manner for which they long. And wounds long festering can start to heal, bit by tiny bit. Paula Rinehart is a counselor in Raleigh, North Carolina, USA and author of numerous books, including her most recent, Strong Women, Soft Hearts. 38 <strong>THE</strong> <strong>INTERNATIONAL</strong> INDIAN
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