THE INTERNATIONAL - International Indian

[ SEX, LIES & TRUTH ]
How Men Really Think about Sex
Discover 3 key insights into the mystery of male sexuality
[ by PaULa RInEHaRT ]
1. Sexual Identity
The best metaphor to describe a man’s psyche
is that of a seamless fabric. Men see themselves as
a whole entity. If they feel good about their sex
life then that sense of adequacy spills over into
other important parts of their experience. And
conversely, if their sex life is floundering, then the
rest cannot be too far behind, they reason. Men
have much less ability to confine their sexual
experience into one small part of the whole.
Ed is a case in point. He claims that inadequacy
follows him around like a dog nipping at his heels.
He may be great in a boardroom – but he’s not
all that good in bed, at least by his assessment of
his wife’s desire for him. In his mind, it’s only a
matter of time until others discover that he’s not
as competent as he’s cracked up to be. He tends
to measure himself, however unfortunately, by
how physically connected he feels to his wife.
Sex is the clearest language he knows and it
speaks volumes to the whole of him.
While a woman might say she’s happy in her
marriage even if the sex isn’t all that great and
hasn’t been for a long time, her husband would
tend to say their marriage is in jeopardy. There
is much more resting on the sexual connection
– for most men, anyway – because sex says
more to a man about himself.
2. Sexual Affirmation
Clark rises at the crack of dawn to iron the
police uniform he proudly wears into town each
day. He never knows what will come his way –
domestic violence, a routine traffic stop where
someone pulls a gun, a child lost on streets that
aren’t safe. He just knows he has to be ready to
make the right call in an instant.
Clark would tell you that a good word from
his police sergeant is music to his ears. He loves
the work he does. But as he crawls into bed with
his wife at night, he admits that nothing can
touch what a warm reception from her means
to him. Somehow her touch makes the rest of
the world go away – at least for awhile.
I have wondered, along with many women I’m
sure, why sex seems to mean so much to a man.
How does a tryst so basic, so fundamentally
simple, cut through all the underbrush of a
man’s life and touch something at the core of
him? George Gilder, in his wonderful book,
Men and Marriage, puts words to this mystery.
Gilder calls women the “sexually superior”
gender. By that he means that our bodies mirror
more about being female. We can give birth and
breast-feed children – glorious acts of power
and influence unavailable to men. Our bodies
can actually house people; they are versatile.
Only one sexual act – intercourse – reflects to
a man that indeed, he is a man. And in that act,
performance is vital. A woman can relate to a
man sexually whether she is into the experience
or not. If a man cannot perform sexually, it’s
a “show-stopper,” as they say. Gilder writes:
“Men must perform. … The man is less secure
sexually than the woman because his sexuality
is dependent on action, and he can act sexually
only through a precarious process difficult to
control. For men the desire for sex is not simply
a quest for pleasure. It is an indispensable test of
identity (emphasis mine).”
Every day a man walks into a world that says,
essentially, “Prove yourself. Prove that as a man,
you have something worthwhile to offer.” In ways
both blatant and subtle, a man is evaluated and
measured and stacked up against the next guy all
day long. The big question in his mind, conscious
or not, is whether he is man enough. Does he
have what it takes to win the contract, win the
woman, win the war? Sex, then, is not the only
route to affirmation – but it is surely the quickest
and most direct one for a man. It is a confirmation
so deep that it is far more soul-ish than physical
in nature. Sex means more to a man because,
indeed, he hears in it a message about himself.
The way this plays out in a marriage is that
when a man is turned down in his overture
for sexual intimacy, it feels more personal
than seems reasonable to either party. It feels
like rejection. When it comes to matters
sexual, a man tends to lose his normal hold on
objectivity. Other situations he can see clearly. If
his wife speaks irritably at dinner after she’s had
a hard day – it’s not about him. If she overspent
on her credit card, then she’s got a problem she’s
got to solve. But when he’s denied a bid for sexual
intimacy, it feels to him as though he, himself, his
very person, is being rejected. And only after he
works to get past that awful feeling does he stand
a chance of hearing that his wife actually does,
in fact, have a splitting headache. This is, at least,
the internal process that many men go through.
3. Sexual Angst
Each conversation I’ve had with the men
I’ve counseled brought big “ah-ha” moments
for me as I’ve listened to them talk about
their encounters with sexual angst. When a
man chooses a woman to marry, he knows he
is limiting his sexual options to her alone. In
the arms of this one woman, he rests the most
emotionally vulnerable aspect of his being.
In talking to couples, a woman’s pain in a
relationship comes out clearly, and usually
rather quickly. She longs (and rightly so) for a
man who will truly hear her and understand
what she’s up against. “I bare my soul to my
husband and he just stares at me blankly and
slowly starts to edge out of the room,” a woman
may complain. You can sense the pain in the
betrayal and disappointment she feels. It’s nearly
palpable sometimes. But often the same woman
will miss entirely the irony of her situation. Her
husband feels the same pain just as poignantly –
only his sense of being overlooked, not wanted,
not attended to is sexual.
A major breakthrough in a couple’s life happens
when they let their personal pain guide them to
the heart of the other person. The awful way I
feel when my husband backs out of an important
conversation is a window into the way he feels
when his sexual life goes begging. The pain we
feel, then, can tutor and motivate us to reach
out and touch the other person in the manner
for which they long. And wounds long festering
can start to heal, bit by tiny bit.
Paula Rinehart is a counselor in Raleigh, North
Carolina, USA and author of numerous books, including
her most recent, Strong Women, Soft Hearts.
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