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download the PDF file - Whoa is (Not)

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"They'd got out! I saw <strong>the</strong>m!"Dem shrugged. "Apparently <strong>the</strong>y didn't like to be shot at, so <strong>the</strong>y ran back in, but <strong>the</strong>re were sometechnical problems over at Kenselton HQ and everyone inside got randomly sent to different parts of <strong>the</strong>multiverse. I had no part in it, I swear."<strong>Not</strong>-Tim jabbed a finger at <strong>the</strong> screen. "Then what about that?" he asked, anger r<strong>is</strong>ing in h<strong>is</strong> voice."I merely work with circumstances," Dem said. "Went back in time to that spot with a Radoenix egg andconvinced <strong>the</strong> locals that it would grow up to be a great and powerful monster that would bring <strong>the</strong>minexhaustible wealth and good luck. All <strong>the</strong>y had to do was to build it a little home right at that spot tocontain it because it kind of liked <strong>the</strong> taste of human flesh, and to feed it sacrificial virgins every fullmoon to keep it alive and happy. They don't take much maintenance, you see. One virgin can last 'ema month. Hardy creatures, <strong>the</strong>se inv<strong>is</strong>ible radioactive phoenixes. I ra<strong>is</strong>ed th<strong>is</strong> one as my pet. H<strong>is</strong> name<strong>is</strong> Fred. We communicate psychically." Dem smiled.".......................," said not-Tim."Well, so what will it be?" Dem asked. "Hurry up. Fred's getting hungry, and if I tell him to let Jjaks liveafter too long a time has passed, he won't be happy. It's been ages since he had a sacrificial virgin, yousee. They got really hard to come by after <strong>the</strong> sexual revolution. And <strong>the</strong> nuclear war-""How many more would have died?" not-Tim cut in. "If I hadn't come here.""Oh, lots, I'm sure. Blame human nature. Some folks can get so worked up over a film that nothingwould please <strong>the</strong>m more than to kill its characters in <strong>the</strong> most gruesome way <strong>the</strong>y can imagine. You'rea funny species, you know-""And <strong>the</strong>y wouldn't die if things remain <strong>the</strong> same."Dem shrugged. "Well, yes. But put it th<strong>is</strong> way – you're not responsible for <strong>the</strong>m. You're responsible forhim." He pointed at Jjaks on <strong>the</strong> screen. "He wouldn't be here if not for you. He could be at home now,drinking coffee, reading <strong>the</strong> papers, robbing a bank... it's your fault he's here."<strong>Not</strong>-Tim shook h<strong>is</strong> head. "No. I never meant for th<strong>is</strong> to happen-""Ah, but you made him, see? If you had just passed on that script, poor ol' Jjaks wouldn't be on Fred'slunch menu right now. Of course, he wouldn't ex<strong>is</strong>t ei<strong>the</strong>r, but that's probably better than being killedand eaten by an inv<strong>is</strong>ible radioactive phoenix that doesn't brush its teeth."So, for <strong>the</strong> last time: One of your characters <strong>is</strong> about to be eaten by an inv<strong>is</strong>ible radioactive phoenixnamed Fred. If you just say <strong>the</strong> word, it'll be one week ago and you can prom<strong>is</strong>e to go on with your lifeand pretend that Kenselton Hotel doesn't ex<strong>is</strong>t. The evil unethical scient<strong>is</strong>ts responsible for th<strong>is</strong> cancontinue doing <strong>the</strong>ir thing. They're happy, I'm happy, Fred's not happy but that won't matter becausehe'll never know what he m<strong>is</strong>sed, and Jjaks won't get eaten by an inv<strong>is</strong>ible radioactive phoenix, which,trust me, <strong>is</strong> a good thing."Dem grinned."Why are you doing th<strong>is</strong>?""Forty-two!" Dem laughed. "...No, drats, that doesn't work ei<strong>the</strong>r. Time's up, Mr. Reeves. Say yes tomy deal, he lives. Say no, he doesn't.""What if he's going to die anyway?" not-Tim demanded.Dem smiled. "Wrong answer, Keanu," he wh<strong>is</strong>pered.And on <strong>the</strong> screen, Jjaks suddenly fell out of <strong>the</strong> grasp of <strong>the</strong> Radoenix; straight at <strong>the</strong> stone bottom of<strong>the</strong> emptied pool where he landed with a sickening crack and was completely still. Shane running up tohim, screaming; Perry holding him back, grabbing him away as an inv<strong>is</strong>ible beak came down to tear intoits meal-"-But you're right," Dem said. "What if he's going to die anyway? Better he die alone than along with somany o<strong>the</strong>rs, right?" He flicked <strong>the</strong> screen off. "I'll be back later to see if you've changed your mind,"Dem said.

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