De kunst van het vestigen van een diepe rapport - Christel Brughmans

“The eyes actually have a double function: they are organs of vision and also organs of contact. When
one’s eyes meet those of another person, one actually gets a sensation of physical contact. The
quality of this contact varies with the look in the eyes. The look can be so hard and strong that it feels
like a slap in the face or so soft that it feels like a caress. Or the look can be penetrating. One can
look into a person, through him, over him or around him. If the eyes make contact with the object or
person, one can speak of looking as opposed to seeing. Many people see without looking. Looking is
an active or aggressive function that embraces but is more than the function of seeing.” (Löwen,
2005, p. 132.)
“Eye contact is one of the strongest and most intimate forms of contact between two people. It is as if
the feeling or inner essence of one person touches the feeling or inner essence of another. It is,
therefore, a very exciting form of contact. When the eyes of a man and woman meet, the feeling can
be so strong that it runs through the body to the pit of the belly and the genitals. The look in such
cases is extremely erotic, that is, it is open and inviting. Whatever feeling is involved when eyes meet,
the effect of the meeting of eyes is the passing of understanding between two people.” (Löwen, 2005,
p. 132.)
“Eye contact is especially important and significant in the relation between parents and children. It is
important because without this contact the young child feels cut off from the parent. It is significant
because the looks that pass between parent and child profoundly influence the child’s feelings. The
look can be loving, affectionate, accepting, rejecting, angry, hateful, contemptuous, derisive,
seductive, etc.” (Löwen, 2005, p. 133.)
Met iemand contact hebben, wil voor ziende mensen dus ook altijd zeggen naar die
persoon kijken. Vooral bij moeilijker emoties in therapie is dit heel belangrijk en schept
dit veiligheid. Om goed rapport te vestigen is het van belang om goed oogcontact te
onderhouden. Goed wil zeggen volgens de kulturele norm van waar je woont. In het
westen is dit anders dan in het oosten bijvoorbeeld. Vaak zie ik ook aan mensen die niet
zo vlot oogcontact maken dat ze zich onzeker voelen en niet in contact durven gaan.
“In the first lecture I mentioned that the eyes are an important modality of self-expression. This is
because the eyes are intimately and directly connected with feelings. While the expressive quality of
the eyes cannot be fully dissociated from the circumocular region, the expression one sees in the eyes
is determined mainly by changes in the eye itself. To read this expression one should look softly at the
eyes of a person, neither fixedly nor staring, until one gets an impression. Almost every feeling that a
person is capable of experiencing can be expressed through the eyes.” (Löwen, 2005, p. 130.)
De ogen zijn de spiegel van de ziel. Dat is ook bij ons een bekende mooie metafoor. In
onderstaand citaat vind ik ook wegen om beter naar ogen te leren kijken. Het is
werkelijk een interessante toegangsweg naar het ‘wezen’ van een persoon.
“The eyes are said to be the mirrors of the soul. [...] I believe that the richness of an organism’s inner
life is reflected in the range of feeling visible in the eyes. Because of tis expressive quality, the eyes
are truly the windows of the body. Thus eyes can be shuttered or open. In the first case they are
impenetrable, in the second, one can see into the person. They can be vacant or distant. Vacant eyes
give the impression that no one is home. Looking into such eyes one gets a feeling of inner emptiness.
Distant eyes indicate that the individual is far away. One can sense his return when the eyes become
focused upon one and feeling is expressed. The eyes light up when a person is excited. They dull off
when the inner excitation fades out. If the eyes are conceived of as windows, the light that shows in
them emanates from the interior of the body. We speak of burning eyes in the face of a zealot who is
consumed by some inner fire. There are laughing eyes, sparkling eyes and twinkling eyes. I have
actually seen stars in a person’s eyes. But there are also sad eyes, which is much more common.”
(Löwen, 2005, p. 131.)
“The degree of energy charge in the eyes is a measure of the strength of the ego, one that I use
constantly in my practice. The individual with a strong ego has the ability to direct the look in his eyes
at another person. Looking at another person is a form of self-assertion just as looking itself is a form
of self-expression.” (Löwen, 2005, p. 133.)
Stem, intonatie, spreekritme
“Je kunt ook rapport vestigen door je spraak op die van de ander af te stemmen, via je intonatie,
spreeksnelheid, volume en spraakritme. Dit is als invallen bij musiceren of bij zingen: je voegt in en
probeert met de ander te harmoniëren.” (O’Connor en Seymour, 2002, p. 36.)
Mijn stemklank, de klankkleur, mijn intonatie en spreekritme spreken boekdelen. Het is
ook een krachtig middel tot beïnvoeding. Iemand die boos is en luid spreekt, kan ik
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