Safety Net

15. How does viewing pornography affect the
friends of those addicted?
Often friends of those addicted will initially
experience feelings of disbelief, fear, disgust, betrayal,
distrust, shock, denial, sadness, and anger. Individuals may
wonder if they can ever trust the addict, if the addict poses a
danger, and why the addict would continue in such
behavior. Being addicted to pornography can also cause
the individual to be emotionally unavailable and cause a
distance in relationships. Discovering a pornography
addiction may initially be especially devastating for youth
who previously looked up to the addict as a mentor.
Some people may deal with these emotions by
withdrawing from the relationship. Others may try
to maintain a feeling of normalcy by avoiding the issue and
pretending nothing has changed. Others may try to
inappropriately step in and try to fix the problem without the
tools necessary to assist the individual in finding true
recovery. Those associated with the addict may
experience a grieving process similar to what a spouse
undergoes. It is important for them to identify and
learn to work through these emotions.
16. How can I best support a recovering loved
one?
One of the most painful parts of supporting a recovering
addicted loved one is coming to accept the lack of control
over whether or not the addict chooses to pursue recovery.
Recovery is the personal responsibility of the addict.
Addicts have to become ready and willing to find recovery
for themselves. It is often difficult to find the balance between
patience, encouragement, and acceptance versus
enabling destructive behavior. Do not confuse attempts
to micromanage the addict’s recovery with true support
and encouragement. A few important elements to keep
in mind are:
Focus on personal choices that you can make
regardless of the other person’s decisions. Take
responsibility for your own peace and emotional
wellbeing. Get help for yourself and recognize the ways that
being in a close relationship with an addict will likely affect
you. Many find counseling and a 12-­­ Step program to be
critical in this process.
Do not take responsibility for the addict’s recovery.
Recognize and accept that being a policeman is not helpful
to the addict. The addict must ultimately choose his own
course of action.
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Set boundaries and have the commitment to stick to them.
Although an addict can makes his or her own choices, he or
she cannot dictate the choices of others or avoid the
consequences of violating the boundaries of others.
Try to identify ways in which the addicted individual is
reaching out for help and recovery. Find ways to connect
with him that are emotionally supportive, safe, and
uplifting. Reaching out can be a tremendous source of
encouragement and support.
17. How can I best support a friend or loved one who is
in a relationship with a pornography addict?
When individuals are in a relationship with a
pornography addict, they frequently feel isolated,
alone, or helpless. Friends or loved ones of those
who are directly impacted by the pornography
addiction of another can best help by being available to
support them. Listen and allow your friend to share his or
her feelings in a safe, confidential environment. Do not tell
that person that you know what it is like. Do not try to solve
the individual’s problems or tell her what should be
done. Encourage the individual to seek appropriate
professional and religious counseling, find a sponsor,
and attend meetings of support groups. Let the
suffering individuals know that they are loved, accepted,
and supported as they make important decisions. Learn
about pornography addiction and encourage your friend
to do the same.
18. What if a friend or loved one does not want
recovery?
Ultimately, the person struggling with the pornography
addiction must be the one to decide if he or she wants to do
the work and make the lifestyle changes necessary for
recovery. Continue to be understanding and supportive,
but read about the problem of becoming co-­­dependent or
enabling the addict in his or her behavior. Encourage the
addict to get help. Regardless of whether an addict wants to
recover, it is important to provide support to the spouse of
the addict. Encourage the spouse to get appropriate help
and to set boundaries for protection in the relationship.