Safety Net

19. What if my friend or loved one says he wants to
recover, but continues to have relapses?
Although a relapse can be a setback, what really
matters most is the actions the addict chooses to
take after a relapse. Does the individual try to excuse and
or minimize his return to pornography, or is he contrite,
with a broken heart? Help addicts understand that just
because they may suffer a relapse does not mean they
are a lost cause. Feelings of shame, humiliation and
worthlessness can compound addictive behavior. . At
the same time, do not minimize or disregard acting out
behavior. Help the addict realize that the relapse is
serious. If appropriate, ask questions about what
events may have triggered the slip. Encourage addicts
to be regularly accountable to someone about their
behavior choices, continue to attend 12-­­Step meetings,
and work with a sponsor and therapist. Addicts can
learn from their mistakes as they seek appropriate
counsel and guidance. Recovery is hard work and
requires serious lifestyle changes. By encouraging
the individual to identify specific steps to avoid
future slips and by expressing love and support,
you can help struggling individuals to find hope,
determination, and the courage needed to continue
in their recovery program.
The 12-­­Step Program
20. Why is attending a 12-­­Step meeting so
important to recovery?
For those who are seeking recovery, committing to
participate in a 12-­­Step program is often a critical milestone
in the recovery process. Many people have attempted to
stop viewing pornography on their own, only to
eventually fail and/or relapse. For many addicts, it is only
when they break the secrecy surrounding their addiction,
admit that they will not be able to change on their own, and
join a 12-­­Step fellowship that real recovery is found. The
White Book of Sexaholics Anonymous states:
We sexaholics do not presume to be authorities on
addiction of any kind, much less sex addiction….Some
researchers even confess to being baffled by what
addiction really is . . . We speak from our own experience as
seen through recovery. We have a solution. We don’t
claim that it’s for everybody, but for us, it works.
47
There is an unwritten step underlying all twelve. Call it
Step Zero: “We participated in the fellowship of the
program”. No one seems able to stay sober and progress in
recovery without it, though some try. For most of us,
without associating in some way with other recovering
individuals, there is no lasting sobriety and none of the
fringe benefits of recovery, growth, freedom, and joy . . . We
don’t try to explain this; it is simply a fact.
For those closely impacted by the addiction of another,
attending a 12-­­Step program is also important. One of the
least understood components of sexual addiction is the
devastating effect it can have on a spouse or loved one. In the
process of trying to cope with the problems of living with a
sex addict, a spouse or loved one frequently develops his
or her own set of negative behaviors or co-dependent habits
which are debilitating to the individual and destructive
to relationships.
Regardless of whether the addict chooses to follow a
recovery program, the spouse or loved one of an addict
should work his or her own recovery.
Attending 12-­­Step meetings is a vital part of that
recovery.
It is important to note that support groups, or 12-­­ Step
programs, are not substitutes for therapeutic
treatment and individuals should also seek
appropriate professional counseling as a key part of
their recovery process.
21. What is a 12-­­Step Program?
12-­­Step programs have been unusually successful in
helping those struggling with addiction Find recovery.
There are over 100 different variations of 12-­­Step
recovery programs in existence today. They address
virtually every imaginable type of addiction. All of
them, are based on the original 12-­­Step program of
Alcoholics Anonymous and the AA Big Book (first
published in 1939). Other 12-Step programs deal with
specific issues such as drug addiction, food addiction,
codependency, over-spending, and gambling. 12-­­Step
programs are non-professional and non-profit. While
effective in promoting recovery from addiction, they
are not intended to replace therapy led by trained
professionals. All 12­Step programs share a number of
elements that aid in the recovery process: