Safety Net

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The following are Acton Items if your spouse is involved in pornography: - Recognize your pain. Do not try to hide or mask it. - Approach your spouse about the pornography use - If necessary, seek assistance from counselors - Learn how to combat pornography addiction together - Plan to support your spouse in recovery - Establish with your spouse appropriate boundaries and safeguards in your home 90
Drawing Together When Pornography Threatens to Tear Apart Your Marriage Segments By Mark Chamberlain, PhD, and Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD Ben saw that Kristy’s eyes were red the moment he arrived home from work. He asked what was wrong. Her response was terse: “We’ll talk after the kids are in bed.” Later, as she tried to choke back fresh tears, Kristy handed Ben a stack of papers, a list of hundreds of websites he’d visited and topics he’d searched for—evidence that Ben had a serious pornography problem. “I’ve been faithful to you our entire marriage and thought only about sex with you. I’ve always assumed that the same was true for you, that you loved me the same way!” she said. Ben felt like his heart was going to break. How could he have done this to his wife? Then he felt panicky. What if this ruined their relationship? He just had to convince her that her fears about what this all meant were not justified. He tried to reassure her that he loved her genuinely and deeply. He explained that he was frequently tempted to view pornography, but not because he wanted sex with other women, not because he desired the women in the pictures more than he desired her. Facing this crisis, Ben knew that he absolutely had to do what he’d been trying to do for years: finally give up pornography. He vowed to Kristy that he would never view it again. Throughout the next month, Kristy felt like the ache in her heart wouldn’t go away. Even worse, she felt alone with her hurt and feared that Ben didn’t really care about her. She tried to convey to Ben how devastating his pornography habit was to her, how doubtful she had become about her attractiveness to him, how unsure she’d become of herself and of their relationship, and the way this had all turned her once-secure world upside-down. Her fear also led her to watch Ben’s every move and question his activities. Ben, in turn, tried to reassure her that he was still the same man she’d fallen in love with, that all of the good things she “thought” she’d experiencedthroughout the years were real. He felt constantly horrible for his behavior and wondered, “What’s the matter with me?” When Kristy asked him questions, the awful shame of what he’d done stirred inside. He wanted to get her away from his bad memories so she wouldn’t feel the way about him that he felt about himself. He really didn’t know how to talk to her; the feelings were so raw he just froze inside. Ben and Kristy both continued in earnest to try in their own way to make things better, but it seemed things only got worse. By the time they came in for counseling, what had begun as a serious crisis was now threatening to destroy their entire relationship. They had separated, and Kristy was considering filing for divorce. Ben felt like he was walking on eggshells and could no longer do anything right in Kristy’s eyes. Kristy felt like Ben didn’t understand her pain—and worse, didn’t want to. 91
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Safety Net Resources to Protect You
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Family Safety Checklist □ Place c
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OUR Clean & Safe Media PLEDGE As a
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Action Items for Protecting our Chi
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Action Items for Protecting Marriag
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THE DANGEROUS CLIFF A Family Discus
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SUGGESTION: BEGIN YOUR DISCUSSION B
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Helps: The following articles addre
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you, as a modern parent, must also
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CyberBully Hotline Program for Scho
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Parents Beware: Facebook Can Scare
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How does Pornography Affect Teens?
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The combination of dopamine and oxy
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The Basics Common Misconceptions Fi
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susceptible to relapse and should t
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For close relationships, such as a
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What does the therapist believe the
Page 39 and 40: Information for Loved Ones of Those
Page 41 and 42: Frequently Asked Questions about Po
Page 43 and 44: 7. Will discussing pornography make
Page 45 and 46: Have you experienced a “gut feeli
Page 47 and 48: 19. What if my friend or loved one
Page 49 and 50: 24. What are SA and S-Anon? Sex
Page 51 and 52: Individuals must be ready to turn a
Page 53 and 54: Responding to young children openly
Page 55 and 56: Does the therapist believe that por
Page 57 and 58: Spouses of Addicts 50. Typically, h
Page 59 and 60: 57. How do I balance my need for su
Page 61: Dating a person with an active porn
Page 65 and 66: How to Install Net Nanny Before you
Page 67 and 68: DirectTV - Parental Controls DIRECT
Page 69 and 70: MOBICIP - How to Setup Parental
Page 71 and 72: Go through the steps below to creat
Page 73 and 74: Enter a 4-digit passcode. Make
Page 75: Select TV Shows. Select the rating
Page 78 and 79: The following are Acton Items if yo
Page 80 and 81: Simply put, you have a problem if p
Page 82 and 83: What does “sobriety” mean? For
Page 84 and 85: secrecy is going to produce shame.
Page 86 and 87: Virtually every individual I’ve w
Page 88 and 89: It’s critical to maintain the sam
Page 92 and 93: Kristy and Ben are like so many cou
Page 94 and 95: During one counseling session, it w
Page 96 and 97: I’m saying.” These types of hea
Page 98 and 99: Virtual Reality, Actual Risks Seven
Page 100 and 101: 6. You are not interested in being
Page 102 and 103: The following are Acton Items if yo
Page 104: Responding to a Child's Pornography
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