Safety Net

Discussions might include when and where pornography
was last viewed and what the response was. Ask what is
being done now to protect against pornography addiction.
If an addiction has previously occurred, ask what was
done to stop viewing pornography. Did the other person
see a counselor or attend 12-­­Step meetings? Ask them if they
have had any relapses. If there is a problem, it is common to
receive a vague, incomplete, deflective, or less-­­than-­­honest
answer. For those who have any reason to think they are not
getting a complete story, trust those instincts and
bring the topic up again at a later date—or consider
ending the relationship. A dating partner with
difficulty telling the truth about pornography has
the potential to become a spouse who does not tell
the truth about it after marriage.
61. What should I do if I suspect someone I am dating
has a pornography problem?
The answer is simple: talk to him. Discuss any concerns or
suspicions with the other person. Consider using the
questions in the brochure Pornography & Dating to
guide these discussions or see www.salifeline.org.. Be
careful about the speed at which the relationship
progresses until recovery is solidly underway. As
always, encourage anyone addicted to pornography to
fully disclose his problem and get appropriate help.
62. How is dating someone with a pornography
addiction likely to affect me?
Pornography causes a change in the way the user relates
to others. The pornography user learns a
simple, one-­­sided sexual response which affects feelings
of closeness and intimacy. This escalates into a loss of
the ability to emotionally connect with others. Instead of
warmth, empathy and compassion, the user often
interacts with emotional detachment and criticism. He
is emotionally unavailable, and may even suggest that
this detachment is the fault of the person he is dating.
This can be very damaging to your self-esteem and
confidence.
63. What will likely happen if I choose to marry
someone with a pornography addiction?
Pornography addiction is not a problem that is fixed
by marriage and marriage won’t make the problem
easier to fix. Additionally, this addiction will always escalate.
60
A person with a pornography addiction cannot build a
healthy relationship. Their ability to be unselfish,
compassionate, and emotionally available is severely
compromised by their addiction.
64. As a recovering addict, what factors should I
consider in dating?
Although graphic details are not necessary, it is
important to tell the other person the nature and extent
of behavior related to viewing pornography early on
in the relationship. Depending on the seriousness of
the relationship, encouraging the other person to see a
counselor or attend a 12-­­Step support program may be
a good idea. Consider setting boundaries regarding
the speed with which the relationship progresses
based upon the recovery progress. It is frequently
recommended that an addict be well along in the
recovery process before entering into a serious
relationship. In general, being in recovery for at least
7-12 months is recommended.
65. What factors should I consider when deciding
whether or not to continue a relationship with
someone who is addicted or has been addicted to
pornography and is in recovery?
Recognize that those addicted to pornography can
change their lives, but do not underestimate the power
of pornography addiction. Love for the addict requires
exercising patience and setting appropriate healthy
boundaries at all stages of the relationship. This may
require (1) waiting to move forward in a relationship, (2)
deciding to end a relationship, or (3) setting and abiding
by specific rules and guidelines regarding a
relationship’s progression. An important factor in
deciding whether to continue in a relationship is
whether the person is in recovery or is actively seeking
recovery from his pornography addiction. It is
frequently recommended that there be at least 7-12
months of solid recovery before proceeding seriously
forward. It is important that individuals understand
what recovery looks like and are able to identify
whether their loved one is in the recovery process.
If the other person is currently viewing pornography, it is
important to proceed slowly with the relationship or to
give serious consideration to ending the relationship. Be
careful not to confuse emotions with the best course of
action.