Safety Net

The cycle of feelings experienced is very similar to grieving
for the death of a loved one and may include the following
symptoms: (1) shock, (2) disbelief or denial, (3) anger, (4)
bargaining, (5) depression and then, finally, (6) acceptance.
Acknowledging, accepting, and allowing those feelings to
take their course are important steps. Addicts frequently
withdraw and disconnect from relationships. The addict
may exert pressure on the spouse to protect his secrecy or to
not pursue help. It is crucial for spouses of addicts to get help,
regardless of whether the addicted approves.
54. As the spouse of an addict, what can I do to find
healing for my damaged relationship?
It is just as important for the spouse of an addict to reach out
and get help as it is for the addict. This means developing a
strong support network, getting appropriate counseling,
participating in a 12-­­Step program, and having a sponsor. If
both parties are willing to do their part in working toward
recovery, usually trust can be rebuilt over time and the
relationship can begin to heal. The initial focus, however,
needs to be on individual recovery. While many spouses
of addicts want to jump in and work on fixing the marriage
relationship, working to heal the marriage can be
ineffective and even counterproductive as long as the
addiction and its effects on the addict’s spouse are active and
unresolved. It is like pumping air into a tire that has a hole in it.
As long as the hole is there, any air pumped into the tire will
just leak out. The hole in the marriage needs to be repaired
first as each individual gets help. Repairing the marriage
relationship will come later. Counseling from a qualified
therapist who specializes in sexual addiction is often
useful in this process.
Spouses of addicts frequently fall into behaviors that are
counterproductive to the recovery process. They may try
to control or compel the addict’s recovery. On the other
extreme, they may be so afraid of “rocking the boat”’ that they
will not set boundaries to protect themselves or set
consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
Relationships have the greatest chance of healing if the
spouse focuses on her own individual recovery and wellbeing
rather than obsessing about her spouse. The spouse
of the addict also needs to set the clear boundaries and
expectations with the addict as well as establish
consequences if the boundaries are crossed they are not
met.
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55. How do I find hope and healing for myself as the
spouse of an addict?
For the spouse of an addict, there are many things that can
be done to more effectively handle the difficult emotions
and trauma that may be experienced. The following are
five elements to healing that many have found helpful:
Break the secrecy: Develop a support system and
find others to safely confide in. This may include a
parent, a close friend, a religious leader, and/or a
therapist.
Become educated: Learn about the nature of
pornography addiction. While spouses of addicts can
support recovery, it is important to understand that the
addict is responsible for the progression of his own
addiction and it that cannot be fixed by trying to control the
addict.
Practice self-­­care and set boundaries: Slow down and allow
time before making life changing decisions. Prayerfully
set boundaries defining unacceptable behavior in order
to protect your emotional, physical, and spiritual
wellbeing. Make time for daily physical and spiritual care.
Get Therapy: Seek appropriate personal and marital
counseling.
Find a 12-­­Step Program: Network with the spouses of
other addicts. Work the 12 steps of recovery and find a
sponsor.
56. What programs and resources are available for
me as the spouse of an addict?
12-­­Step programs: S-­­Anon is a 12-­­Step program for
spouses or other family members, whose lives have been
impacted by the behavior of sex addicts, including those
with pornography problems. It is allied with Sexaholics
Anonymous.
SA Lifeline: www.salifeline.org