Safety Net

57. How do I balance my need for support and healing
with my desire to maintain my spouse’s anonymity?
For the spouse of a pornography addict, getting the
support and help needed is particularly difficult because
doing so involves disclosing the addict’s behavior to
someone else, and thus breaking anonymity to some
degree. One of the most serious side effects of a
pornography addiction for the spouse of an addict is that
she can either consciously or subconsciously be
manipulated into remaining quiet and suffering in silence. It
is important to realize that although the addict has
control over his actions, he has no right to control his
spouse’s behavior. The addict’s spouse must feel free to
build a safe support network, to attend recovery meetings,
and to seek appropriate counseling. The decision about
how much information to disclose and to whom should
be made with sensitivity and discretion. Many women
find it helpful to share what they are experiencing with a
trusted friend, family member, ecclesiastical leader,
sponsor, or support group. Indiscriminate disclosure of a
pornography addiction is not advisable and can result in
adverse consequences for children and others involved.
Dating and Pornography
58. Why should I discuss pornography with the
person I am dating?
In varying degrees, virtually everyone will have some
exposure to pornography which affects their views of
sexuality. This may range from casual exposure to
serious addiction. Given the breadth of widespread
promiscuity in society, it is important to discuss how
each individual views and will handle pornography
regardless of whether the person has previously had a
problem. Openly discussing pornography can safeguard
individuals and relationships. A person can be: 1)
currently addicted, 2) previously addicted but now in
recovery, or 3) never addicted with minimal
exposure to pornography. By determining the category
the other person in the dating relationship falls into, an
individual can gain valuable insight concerning how to
proceed appropriately with the relationship. Even if
there has been minimal exposure, it is important to
openly discuss pornography and set necessary
boundaries to prevent future problems.
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For those who have had or currently have a problem with
pornography, it is very important to discuss this with
any person they seriously date. Pornography use is
extremely addictive and can frequently reoccur unless
significant preventive measures are taken. By talking
about this problem early on in a relationship, individuals
can learn to develop open communication and set
appropriate boundaries that will safeguard both
people, help guide relationship decisions, and create a
safe, trusting environment.
59. When should I discuss pornography with the
person I am dating?
Some people have suggested bringing up pornography
by the second date. While that is probably too soon for
many, here are a few questions to help guide
determinations:
Are you “exclusive” (i.e., boyfriend and girlfriend)?
Is the relationship such that you can talk or have
already talked about other significant personal
issues?
Are you looking to advance your relationship by
becoming engaged or married?
Does your partner know and trust you enough to
disclose and discuss personal challenges?
For those who cannot answer yes to any of those
questions, it is probably too soon. For those who
can answer yes to one or more questions, now
might be an appropriate time. For those who can
answer yes to all questions, it is definitely time to
discuss pornography. Discussing pornography
before becoming engaged is very important.
60. How should I discuss pornography with the
person I am dating?
There is no easy way to bring up this uncomfortable topic.
One approach is simply to ask if the other person has ever
had or currently has a problem with pornography. Another
way is to initially share a personal experience or talk
about a related article and then move into the topic. It is
important to ask what the other person’s exposure to
pornography has been, not if they have been exposed.