fifty-shades-of-grey

is completely fucked up. Why is he so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected ashe is, and the thought that as a toddler he suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cryharder. Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn’t want you, my subconscious contributessnidely to my musings… and in my heart of hearts I know this is true. I turn into my pillowand the sluice gates open… and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollablyinto my pillow.I am momentarily distracted from my dark night of the soul by Kate shouting.“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”“Well you can’t!”“What the fuck have you done to her now?”“Since she’s met you she cries all the time.”“You can’t come in here!”Christian bursts into my bedroom and unceremoniously switches on the overheadlight, making me squint.“Jesus, Ana,” he mutters. He flicks the switch off again and is at my side in a moment.“What are you doing here?” I gasp between sobs. Crap. I can’t stop crying.He switches on the sidelight making me squint again. Kate comes and stands in thedoorway.“Do you want me to throw this asshole out?” she asks, radiating thermo-nuclear hostility.Christian raises his eyebrows at her, no doubt surprised by her flattering epithet andher feral antagonism. I shake my head, and she rolls her eyes at me. Oh… I wouldn’t dothat near Mr. G.“Just holler if you need me,” she says more gently. “Grey – your cards are marked,”she hisses at him. He nods at her, and she turns and pulls the door to but doesn’t close it.Christian gazes down at me, his expression grave, his face ashen. He’s wearing hispinstriped jacket, and from his inside pocket, he pulls out a handkerchief and hands it tome. I think I still have his other one somewhere.“What’s going on?” he asks quietly.“Why are you here?” I ask, ignoring his question. My tears have miraculously ceased,but I’m left with dry heaves racking my body.“Part of my role is to look after your needs. You said you wanted me to stay, so here Iam. And yet I find you like this.” He blinks at me, truly bewildered. “I’m sure I’m responsible,but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?”I pull myself up, wincing from my sore behind. I sit and face him.“Did you take some Advil?”I shake my head. He narrows his eyes, stands, and leaves the room. I hear him talkingto Kate but not what they are saying. He’s back a few moments later with pills and ateacup of water.“Take these,” he orders gently as he sits on my bed beside me.I do as I’m told.“Talk to me,” he whispers. “You told me you were okay. I’d never have left you if Ithought you were like this.”