fifty-shades-of-grey

existed until last Saturday week, and then you write something like that and I want to runscreaming into the hills. I won’t, of course, because I’d miss you. Really miss you. Iwant us to work, but I am terrified of the depth of feeling I have for you and the dark pathyou’re leading me down. What you are offering is erotic and sexy, and I’m curious, butI’m also scared you’ll hurt me – physically and emotionally. After three months you couldsay goodbye, and where will that leave me if you do? But then I suppose that risk isthere in any relationship. This just isn’t the sort of relationship I ever envisaged having,especially as my first. It’s a huge leap of faith for me.You were right when you said I didn’t have a submissive bone in my body… and I agreewith you now. Having said that, I want to be with you, and if that’s what I have to do, Iwould like to try, but I think I’ll suck at it and end up black and blue – and I don’t relish thatidea at all.I am so happy that you have said that you will try more. I just need to think about what‘more’ means to me, and that’s one of the reasons why I wanted some distance. Youdazzle me so much I find it very difficult to think clearly when we’re together.They are calling my flight. I have to go.More laterYour AnaI press send and make my way sleepily to the departure gate to board a different plane.This one has only six seats in first class, and once we are in the air, I curl up under my softblanket and fall asleep.All too soon, I’m woken by the flight attendant offering me more orange juice as webegin our approach to Savannah International. I sip slowly, beyond fatigued, and I allowmyself to feel a modicum of excitement. I’m going to see my mother for the first time insix months. Sneaking another covert look at my BlackBerry, I remember vaguely that Isent a long rambling email to Christian – but there’s nothing in response. It’s five in themorning in Seattle – hopefully he’s still asleep and not up playing mournful laments on hispiano.The beauty of carry-on rucksacks is that one can breeze out of the airport and not waitendlessly for baggage at the carousels. The beauty of traveling first class is that they letyou off the plane first.My mom is waiting with Bob, and it is so good to see them. I don’t know if it’s becauseof exhaustion, the long journey, or the whole Christian situation, but as soon as I’m in mymother’s arms, I burst into tears.“Oh Ana, honey. You must be so tired.” She glances anxiously at Bob.“No Mom, it’s just – I’m so pleased to see you.” I hug her tightly.She feels so good and welcoming and home. Reluctantly, I relinquish her, and Bobgives me an awkward one-armed hug. He seems unsteady on his feet, and I remember thathe’s hurt his leg.“Welcome back, Ana. Why you cryin’?” he asks.