fifty-shades-of-grey

down her face. I can no longer hold mine back. I put my head down and proceed to thegate, keeping my eyes on the shiny, white floor, blurred through my watery tears.Once on board, in the luxury of first class, I curl up in my seat and try to compose myself.It is always painful to wrench myself away from Mom… she is scatty, disorganized,but newly insightful, and she loves me. Unconditional love – what every child deservesfrom its parents. I frown at my wayward thoughts, and pulling out my BlackBerry, stareat it despondently.What does Christian know of love? Seems he didn’t get the unconditional love he wasentitled to during his very early years. My heart twists, and my mother’s words waft like azephyr through my mind: Yes, Ana. Hell – what do you need? – a neon sign flashing on hisforehead? She thinks Christian loves me, but then she’s my mother, of course she’d thinkthat. She thinks I deserve the best of everything. I frown. It’s true, and in a moment ofstartling clarity, I see it. It’s very simple: I want his love. I need Christian Grey to love me.This is why I am so reticent about our relationship – because on some basic, fundamentallevel, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished.And because of his fifty shades – I am holding myself back. The BDSM is a distractionfrom the real issue. The sex is amazing, he’s wealthy, he’s beautiful, but this is allmeaningless without his love, and the real heart-fail is that I don’t know if he’s capable oflove. He doesn’t even love himself. I recall his self-loathing, her love being the only formhe found – acceptable. Punished – whipped, beaten, whatever their relationship entailed –he feels undeserving of love. Why does he feel like that? How can he feel like that? Hiswords haunt me: ‘It’s very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you’re not perfect.’I close my eyes, imagining his pain, and I can’t begin to comprehend it. I shudder asI remember that I may have divulged too much. What have I confessed to Christian in mysleep? What secrets have I revealed?I stare at the BlackBerry in the vague hope that it will give me some answers. Ratherunsurprisingly, it is not very forthcoming. As we haven’t taken off yet, I decide to emailmy Fifty Shades.From: Anastasia SteeleSubject: Homeward BoundDate: June 3 2011 12:53 ESTTo: Christian GreyDear Mr. GreyI am once again ensconced in first class, for which I thank you. I am counting the minutesuntil I see you this evening, and perhaps torturing the truth out of you about mynocturnal admissions.Your Ana xFrom: Christian GreySubject: Homeward BoundDate: June 3 2011 09:58To: Anastasia Steele