fifty-shades-of-grey

“Five.” My voice is more a choked, strangled sob, and in this moment, I think I hatehim. One more, I can do one more. My backside feels as if it’s on fire.“Six,” I whisper as the blistering pain cuts across me again, and I hear him drop thebelt behind me, and he’s pulling me into his arms, all breathless and compassionate… andI want none of him.“Let go… no... ” And I find myself struggling out his grasp, pushing him away. Fightinghim.“Don’t touch me!” I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he’s watching me as if Imight bolt, gray eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backsof my hands, glaring at him.“This is what you really like? Me, like this?” I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipemy nose.He gazes at me warily.“Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.”“Ana,” he pleads, shocked.“Don’t you dare, Ana me! You need to sort your shit out, Grey!” And with that, I turnstiffly, and I walk out of the playroom, closing the door quietly behind me.I clasp the door handle behind me and briefly lean back against the door. Where to go?Do I run? Do I stay? I am so mad, angry scalding tears spill down my cheeks, and I brushthem furiously aside. I just want to curl up. Curl up and recuperate in some way. Heal myshattered faith. How could I have been so stupid? Of course it hurts.Tentatively, I rub my backside. Aah! It’s sore. Where to go? Not his room. My room,or the room that will be mine, no, is mine… was mine. This is why he wanted me to keepit. He knew I would need distance from him.I launch myself stiffly in that direction, conscious that Christian may follow me. It isstill dark in the bedroom, dawn only a whisper in the skyline. I climb awkwardly into bed,careful not to sit on my aching and tender backside. I keep the bathrobe on, wrapping itaround me, and curl up and really let go – sobbing hard into my pillow.What was I thinking? Why did I let him do that to me? I wanted the dark, to explorehow bad it could be – but it’s too dark for me. I cannot do this. Yet, this is what he does,this is how he gets his kicks.What a monumental wake-up call. And to be fair to him, he warned me and warnedme, time and again. He’s not normal. He has needs that I cannot fulfill. I realize that now.I don’t want him to hit me like that again, ever. I think of the couple of times he has hitme, and how easy he was on me by comparison. Is that enough for him? I sob harder intothe pillow. I am going to lose him. He won’t want to be with me if I can’t give him this.Why, why, why have I fallen in love with Fifty Shades? Why? Why can’t I love José, orPaul Clayton, or someone like me?Oh, his distraught look as I left. I was so cruel, so shocked by the savagery… will heforgive me… will I forgive him? My thoughts are all haywire and jumbled, echoing andbouncing off the inside of my skull. My subconscious is shaking her head sadly, and myinner goddess is nowhere to be seen. Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me. I’m soalone. I want my Mom. I remember her parting words at the airport,