A CRIMINAL HISTORY OF MANKIND

Meanwhile Pompey’s ally Julius Caesar was making a name for himself in Spain. This Caesar was
a remarkable young man, but no one expected him to become a great national leader. As a youth he
had been fashionably ‘precious’, writing poetry, perfuming and curling his hair and having love
affairs - apparently with men as well as women. He was regarded much as Oscar Wilde was in the
1890s. Mommsen describes him as Rome’s sole creative genius; but, like most Romans, Caesar
lacked the imagination to be genuinely creative. He also possessed a good measure of the Roman
ruthlessness. As a young man, he had been captured by pirates, who had told him they wanted
twenty talents ransom; Caesar said haughtily that they were insulting him and he would give them
fifty. Waiting for the ransom to arrive, he lived among them as if they were his servants, telling
them to be quiet when he wanted to sleep. He joined in their games and made them sit and listen
while he read them his poetry; when they proved less than appreciative, he called them barbarians
and told them he would have them crucified when he was freed. They laughed indulgently at the
spoilt and imperious young man. As soon as the ransom arrived, Caesar hurried to the nearest port -
Miletus in Asia Minor - commandeered several ships and returned to surprise the pirates. He then
had them crucified but, as a humane concession, cut their throats before nailing them to the cross.
Back from Spain, Caesar was appointed Aedile, the master of ceremonies in public celebrations. He
borrowed large sums from Crassus and staged some spectacular shows, one of them with 320 pairs
of gladiators. This made him immensely popular with the people - which is why Crassus wanted his
friendship. When Pompey came back from his conquests in 62 B.C., Julius Caesar was becoming a
power to be reckoned with, while the senate showed its jealousy of Pompey by snubbing him (after
all, he had gone over to the people’s party). Caesar suggested an alliance: he was the most popular
man in Rome, Crassus was the richest, Pompey was its greatest hero; together they could do what
they liked. The senate could be overruled by the people. Ever since that unfortunate affair of the
triumph over Spartacus, Pompey and Crassus had been rivals. Now they both saw the virtue of the
alliance. They became known to their friends as the triumvirate, to their enemies as the threeheaded
monster.
In the following year, 59 B.C., the three-headed monster achieved the first of its aims: Caesar was
elected consul, in the teeth of bitter opposition from the patricians. He then used his power to get
Pompey what he wanted: land for his soldiers. Pompey and Crassus were appointed head of a
commission to administer new laws. The three men were virtually the rulers of Rome.
It could have been the beginning of a new era. All three men were intelligent. None of them had the
temperament of a dictator. Together they could have steered the whole country into a new age of
prosperity and enlightenment. But somehow Rome was not destined to become another Athens. It
had gone too far along the road into power politics. Caesar soon became tired of the endless backbiting
and in-fighting, and marched off to Gaul, looking for adventure and glory. He found both
over the next five years, as his armies subdued the Gauls from the Rhine to the North Sea, then
crossed the Channel and conquered half of Britain. Back in Rome, Pompey and Crassus viewed
these triumphs with mixed feelings. Crassus got himself appointed to the command of the army in
Syria and went off to try and outdo Caesar. It proved to be a disaster. He was an incompetent, and
ended by getting his troops massacred and himself beheaded. When the patricians offered to make
Pompey sole consul of Rome, he decided to betray Caesar and change sides.
When Caesar was ordered to leave his army and return to Rome, he realised that things had taken a
dangerous turn. To us, it sounds preposterous that the man who had conquered half Europe should
have anything to fear. But Caesar knew that his conquests had only aroused envy. Like all trivial
people, the Romans hated greatness. So he decided to disobey orders and marched his army to the