Tell us a joke to cheer us all up. - Blog.de

Trigger says: 

Amazons black Friday ...boom boom 

Tell us a joke to cheer us all up. 

oracle says: 

2 peanuts walking down the street, one was assaulted. 

Ico says: 

I'm told there will be some great bouffant style wigs coming on at 9 as a mystery deal. Get in 

quick though - hair today gone tomorrow. Sorry! 

oracle says: 


Two elephants jumped off a cliff. 

Boom Boom 

S. Shah says: 

Mate, it's black Friday - i think we're meant to be glum 

C. White says: 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint and 2 packets of crisps. The bartender 

stabs him to death in a violent fit of rage and then cuts his body up and burns it. 

Ramneek says: 

The best joke would be for Amazon to reduce everything in the Black Friday list on Saturday am :) 

Wii for £49.99 - lol......... 

It's all in the delivery oracle... try saying it in a Welsh accent, it's hilarious 

Ico says: 

What's the difference between a weasle and a stoat? A weasle is weasily recognised while a stoat 

is stotally different. I'll get me coat... 

Starlored says: 

A blonde and brunette hanging on a fraying rope above a gorge, the Blonde says "one of us has to 

let go or we will both die" to which the brunette replies "I'll let go" "Oh thankyou" says the blonde 

clapping 

Dr. D. J. Watts says: 

A couple of Essex hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't 

seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. 

The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 

"My friend is dead! What can I do?" 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure 

he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" 

oracle says: 

What's the difference between a snowman and snowoman? Snowballs.

Mr. J. Isaacs says: 

A Man walks into a bar...ouch! 

Mr. O. Sampson says: 

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house. 

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa. 

She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs." 

... 

I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other." 

Gadget Fan says: 

it's a knock knock joke, you start 

Ico says: 

knock er knock? 

G. G. Green says: 

A wizard turns into a bar 

oracle says: 

Knock knock 

Who's there? 

Issabelle 

Issabelle who? 

Issabelle necessary on a bicycle? 

Mangekyou.Sharingan says: 

a box of tricks=xbox :-| 

E. Bateman says: 

Knock, knock 

Who's there? 

DEATH 

Death wh....... 

oracle says: 

3 tomatoes walking down the street 

1 lags behind 

The other two turn and call back 

Ketchup. 

Posted on 26 Nov 2010 00:44:04 GMT 

Mr. D. Sherman says: 

Why are there no Asparins in the jungle? 

Coz parrots eat them all 

oracle says: 

I have never trusted any professional tennis players. You know, there's always been something 

not quite right about them something of the dark arts about them. Take for example Goran, 

EvenHe'sAWitch.

oracle says: 

Knock knock 

Who's there? 

Doctor 

Doctor who? 

Err......correct 

Mr. L. Fonseca says: 

Whats about 6" long, has a head on it, and women like to blow? 

Money! :D 

C. Brighting says: 

A mans been caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers. 

oracle says: 

A toilet was stolen from New Scotland Yard earlier today. 

Police say they have nothing to go on. 

R Thomas says: 

Son: father what is the difference between confident and confidential?? 

Father: see you are my son that I am confident but your friend is my son that is confidential 

oracle says: 

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? 

Doug. 

oracle says: 

What do you call a man without a spade in his head? 

Douglas. 

oracle says: 

An egg was arrested while walking down the street the other day. Police said people could see his 

yoke. 

Mr. J. Stobo says: 

Two babies are in the park and one says to the other, I'm a little baby girl, what are you? And the 

other baby replies, I'm a little boy baby. So the little girl baby asks, How do you know? So the 

little boy baby pulls back his blanket and says, look....................blue socks. 

oracle says: 

We don't approve of "blue" jokes. 

Here's one..... 1 

oracle says: 

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that 

don't. 

rustynail says: 

Marriage is like a pack of cards. in the beginning 

all you need is two hearts and a diamond, 

by the end you'll wish you had a club and spade.

Jimmy Junkster says: 

Quasimodo retires so the bishop of Notre Dame advertises for a new bell ringer. An armless man 

shows up, says he can do the job, and persuades the bishop to let him demonstrate. They go up to 

the bell tower where the man head-butts the bell to make it ring. The bishop is amazed but when 

the man tries to ring the bell a second time he slips and falls over the edge of the tower to his 

death. 

The bishop runs down the tower stairs to find that a crowd has gathered around the dead man. A 

policeman asks: "Do you know this man's name?" 

The bishop replies: "No but his face rings a bell" 

Jimmy Junkster says: 

A few days later the dead man's brother turns up. He asks the bishop to let him honour the 

memory of his dead brother by letting him take the job. The bishop tells him that he needs to 

prove he can do the job. They go up the tower but the brother slips and falls to his death. The 

bishop rushes down, a crowd has gathered and a policeman asks: 

"Did you know this man?" 

The bishop replies: "No but he's a dead ringer for his brother" 

Mrs Jenkins says: 

What do you call 2 robbers? 

A pair of knickers.... 

Mr. Nicholas Taylor says: 

Still not sure whether to vote Green or Orange, that's the trouble with voting tictacly. 

A. S. Walling says: 

New Black Friday Deal: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. 

Christopher Nash says: 

What's the difference between someone who makes a phone call and can't get through the first 

time, and Nick Clegg? One is trying later. 


Here's a joke for the politically correct: What did the first non-gender/non-racially specific person 

say to the second non-gender/non-racially specific person? Nothing, in case it was inappropriate or 

offensive to the third non-gender/non-racially specific person! 

Charles Gower says: 

And Irishman, a Scotsman and an alien walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this - some 

kind of joke?" 

Edeka says: 

No, not when your knickers are (w)ringing. 

Christian Rakovsky says: 

Groucho to a woman on his gameshow: 'How come you have eight children?' 

Answer: 'I love my husband.' 

Groucho: 'I love my cigar, but every now and again I take it out'. 


My doctor told me I'm colour blind. What a shock that was - came right out of the orange! At least 

I can still enjoy music - Green Floyd, The Moody Pinks and Deep Yellow.

Edit: All together now: "We all live in a purple submarine, a purple submarine, a purple 

submarine.........." 

Mr. E. Latham says: 

Man comes home from work, to find his wife crying, he says what's wrong, she says I’m homesick, 

he says but this is your home, she says yeah and I’m sick of it. 

Stevesball says: 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 

P. L. Edwards says: 

Snow white and the huntsman walking into the woods. Snow White says, "It's dark, I'm scared." 

Huntsman replies, " Your scared? I've got to walk back this way on my own." 

Mr. Robert Gardiner says: 

Wife asks hubby...." What would you like to do with my body " ? 

Hubby answers......" Indentify it " !! 

Wife asks....." When you get home, would you like too see me in something long and flowing " ? 

Hubby answers... " Yes, the bloody river." 

Rosie says: 

How many Lib Dems does it take to change a light bulb? 

Three 

one to tell you they will never ever change the light bulb 

one to change the light bulb 

and one to tell you that actually the light bulb has not changed 

Mr. Robert Gardiner says: 

semi pro snooker player wins a nice trophy...his wife was so impressed she decided to treat him. 

OK, he said strip naked and bend over the bed, she got quite excited and complied..!! 

After being in the position for ten minutes (without any action) she asks "What are you waiting 

for" ? 

To which he answers..."Can’t make my mind up what to pot. The brown or the pink"... 

A woman walks into a shop and says do you sell brains, the assistant says yes over there on that 

shelf. the woman looks at the sign which says, women brains £10,000 men’s brains £5,000 so the 

woman asks why are the woman brains £10,000 but the men’s are only £5,000, the assistant says 

the men’s are only £5,000 because they have been used. 

HollyHW says: 

Two crisps walking down the street, a car pulled up with two other crisps in to offer them a lift.. 

they replied "No thanks, we're walkers" ;) 

Did you see the dancing post box on tv?? 

It was first class!! 

joss armstronnng says: 

englishman,irishman and a welsh guy are sat at a bar,when the conversation turns to kids.'i have 

a boy called george' says the englishman.'he was born on st georges day' 'you dont say' says the 

welsh bloke,'i have a son called david who was born on st davids day'. 

'unbelievable' says the irish guy. 'my son pancake.......... 

AlanM says: 

A brunette and a blonde stand on opposite sides of a large lake. The brunette shouts across to the 

blonde 'How do I get to the other side?' The blonde looks puzzled for a moment and eventually 

shouts back 'You ARE on the other side!'

Ma Callow says: 

What do a plane and a bleach blonde have in common? 

Well a plane has a black box and the blonde has.... 

D. Carroll says: 

ive just split up with my tennis playing girlfriend to her love meant nothing 


I saw a really tall woman walk past my window today. I knew she was tall as I live on the third 

floor! 

kraft-e-kids says: 

what did the banana say to the vibrator " i don’t know what your shaking for, she’s going to eat 

me". 

Mr. P. Brady says: 

i would love to be the libyan leaders bodyguard the day an assassian takes a pot shot at him , if 

only to shout ; " GADAFFI DUCK !!!! " 

J. H. Shore says: 

A young girl asks her uncle to change a punctured wheel,telling him that the spare is also 

punctured. He tells her to take the spare to the garage on the bus, have the pucture repaired and 

bring the wheel back while he takes the old tyre off. An hour later she returns with pucture duly 

repaired. Uncle replaces tyre but as he releases the jack he sees the repaired tyre is flat. 'Didn't 

you put any air in it?' he asks, ' I was going to' she replied but it said put 40lbs in and I didn't 

think I could carry that weight to the bus!' 

Mr. James A. Long says: 

Thanks for these jokes folks ; Really cheered me up.Bin feeling somewhat low after discovering 

I'm not the worlds greatest lover - Just found out my girlfriend's got asthma. 

E Bain says: 

got up the stairs wiv that burd Voice says hope Its not that fat bird from last night She says who is 

that I say dont worry its my bloody memory foam mattress 

B. Wood says: 

Horse walks into a bar, bar man says.....why the long face 

Mr. David C. Collinson says: 

just had an embrassing letter of reply from Screwfix "No they are not a dating agency!" 

P. A. Elligate says: 

There is a new cookery book avaliable ot amazon for women who suffer from domestic violence. 

PLEASE SEARCH "CAN'T COOK,LEFT HOOK!!" 

Arly says: 

Thanks to Finding Nemo..... I have 2 addresses memorized...............My own and P. Sherman 42 

Wallaby Way, Sydney, Australia. HA HA ........ 

Chris says: 

Why's six afraid of seven? Because 7 8 9.

avoid cliches like the plague. 

C Palmer says: 

went to a bulimia convention last week - the place was heaving! 

Mr. James A. Long says: 

A White Horse walks into a bar and the barman somewhat excited shouts across " Hey , we got a 

whisky named after you " ! After a moments puzzled silence the horse replies "Wot . . . Eric " ? 

tony says: 

the fairy liquid adverts have been updated to reflect a more modern britain "mummy why are your 

hands so soft" because i am only fourteen now shut the f**k up and eat your pot noodle! 


i went to a meeting for premature ejaculation, I got there 10 mins early and it was all over 


a bride on her wedding night says to her husband "i have a confession to make, in a former life i 

use to be a hooker"...the husband says "i find that quite erotic tell me more"......wife " my name 

was nigel and i played for wigan". 

Knock Knock? Who's there? 

Bigish. Bigish who? 

No thanks, I already have one. 

Andreas says: 

When you take an oriental person and you spin him (or her) around several times, does (s)he 

becomes disoriented? 

sharony says: 

I asked a beggar why he was so poor. I'll tell you, he said. Once Fortune knocked at my door, but 

alas, I was'nt home, then he sent his daughter; miss fortune... 

Claypole says: 

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the p**s out of the knickers 

sharony says: 

Granny was randy and thought; I'll surprise grandpa, I go naked to bed. Grandpa - already in bed 

- says: it's gonna be time you iron your nighty... 

M. Wicketts says: 

whats yellow and looks good on the mother in law?? A JCB 

Mr J G Brandon says: 

whatsthe difference between male and female doors 

female doors have knockers and male doors have knobs 


a driver hits the car in front up the rear the driver of that car got out (he was a dwarf) and said i 

am not happy so the other driver replied which one are you then!!!

Kelvin J. Dickinson says: 

What is the Catholic Church's recommended method of fragrancing a room? Popepourri 

Requirements for the above: Dictionary and Thesaurus, religious ambivalence, er, Dictionary and 

Thesaurus again... 

ILOVETOSPEND. says: 

I went for a walk with my uncle Jim and somebody threw a tomato at him. Tomatoes don`t hurt i 

said with a grin, OH YES THEY DO WHEN THEY ARE STILL IN THE TIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. 

J. Cox says: 

What's red and sits in the corner? 

A naughty bus. 

B.W.BAGG says: 

Man in a wheelchair approaches a pub where a man has just lit a cigarette in the doorway, man in 

wheelchair says to smoker, “why do you smoke when you don't need to", smoker replies "why the 

trainers. 

Babs says: 

Why can't the Dalai Lama vacuum under the sofa? Because he has no attachments. 

Bol says: 

2 drunks. One has a sack. 

1st drunk: What's in the sack? 

2nd drunk: Hedgehogs. 

1st drunk: Will you give me one of them, if I can guess how many there are? 

2nd drunk: If you can guess how many there are, I'll give you them both. 


How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three - one left ear, one right ear and Space - the final front 

ear. 

crutchford qc says: 

What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. 

Posted on 2 Mar 2011 15:17:03 GMT 

sam says: 

best chat up line ever 

'have you farted? cause you have blown me away' 

VeeJay says: 

Since the snow came all my boyfriend has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, 

I'll have to let him in. 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African 

village for just £2 a month!! Time to change supplier I think. :) 

Robert Phillips says: 

Here`s another `knock-knock`.... 

Who`s there? 

Paul.. 

Paul who? 

Police!

Mr. A. Gore says: 

two dyslexics walking down the street one says to his mate "can you smell gas " his mate replies 

"smell gas can’t even smell me own name " 

ifat says: 

This is a MANTRA for all ages that I have thought up on visiting homes for the aged. A joke a day 

keeps the Reaper away. Please pass it on to all 


7 dwarves were in the bath feeling happy, so happy got out. 

That made them feel grumpy, so grumpy got out. 

Mr NEIL KORNFEIN says: 

Tortoise is mugged by 6 snails. Police officer says "tell me about it". Tortoise replies "difficult to 

say - it all happened so quickly". 

B. Wood says: 

My racing snail was starting to slow down so to make it more aerodynamic I removed its shell but 

if anything it became more sluggish!! 

S. Edwards says: 

What is Baeethoven doing in his grave . 

de-composing :-0 

why do elephants always go swimming ? 

Because they have their own trunks 

Mrs. Hilary Yates says: 

There were two snakes. The first snake said to the second snake "Am I poisonous”. The second 

snake answered back No ,why do you ask.The first snake said,thank goodness for that I've just 

bitten my lip.Ha 

Nathan McCarthy says: 

what did the pirate say when the cannon went off by his head? ... 

AAAAAAARRRRR my Buccaneers!!! 

mohammed islam says: 

ok,how do u make lady gaga cry?.....poke her face! (poker face) 

G. L. Jones says: 

why are pirates called pirates because they rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 

Did You "No" Mr Spock Has Three Ears.He Has The Left Ear The Right Ear And The Fional Final 

Frontear. 

Janey says: 

How does an Elephant get down from a tree? 

Sits on a leaf and waits until autumn 

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?? He sold his soul to Santa 

S. K. Reeve says:

2 parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?" 

Paul Manton says: 

Which famous detective keeps 5 electric fans on his desk all year long? 

Air-cool Poirot! 

Mrs. Kate N. Barber says: 

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic ? 

he kept asking "is there a dog" 

Paul Manton says: 

What is an Art-Historian's favourite breakfast? 

Rococo-Pops! 

M. Adams says: 

Mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear were out picking flowers one Sunday morning when 

daddy bear growls I’m hungry, let’s go back and have some porridge. 

So off they all go, happy as can be. 

On arriving at their cottage mummy bear disappears into the kitchen. 

Daddy bear sits at the table and sees that his bowl is empty. 

He slams his paw on the table and roars who's been eating my porridge. 

Baby bear sees his empty bowl, starts crying and says who's been eating my porridge. 

Mummy bear comes in from the kitchen and says, For god’s sake, I haven't made it yet! 

MR MICHAEL GEAR says: 

Two Ladies knocked my door this morning, "Can we ask you what kind of bred you eat?" White I 

replied they spent the next 45min telling me the attributes of wholemeal bread. Turns out they 

were HOVIS WITNESSES. 

S Lloyd says: 

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "You know how to drive this thing?" 

VeeJay says: 

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. 

Police say that he topped himself. :) 

VeeJay says: 

A man walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. 

The shrink says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts". 

Mr. R. Best says: 

I bought a new digital computer controlled intelligent washing machine, loaded it up pressed start 

it said OY where`s the other sock ????? 

erm.........yes!!!! says: 

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't! 

Sir Missalot says: 

What's a blonde's mixed grill? 

Baked potatoes, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes and chips.


Did you hear about the Irish stunt biker Evel O'Nievel? He tried to jump over 13 motorbikes in a 

London bus. 

Dl Harries says: 

Bought 12 bottles of Tipp-Ex this morning. 

Huge mistake. 

B. Wood says: 

Man dies in a bowl of muesli, he got dragged under by a strong current! 


What was Tarzan's last words? 

"Who greased the vine?" 

Miss Wasley says: 

My partner went to a premature ejaculation meeting last week. He didn't know what to wear so 

phoned; they just told him to come in his pants. 

Mr. Robert Anderson says: 

Wunch.....The new collective term for bankers...........(Think about it). 

R. Fleming says: 

The partially deaf 93-year-old was a little taken aback, yet at the same time rather pleased, on 

hearing her GP say she had acute angina. 

Mr. D. Kidsley says: 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together 

over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence 

and I made love to you.' 

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 

A police officer sitting at the next table heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, 

he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep 

an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. 

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her 

skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. 

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for 

about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they 

both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't 

know. 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and 

put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly 

amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've 

had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence 

J. Whitehead says: 

... an oldie but 

"What do you call a woman who throws her gas bill on the fire?" 

BERNADETTE 

Maria J. Carey-howells says: 

What do you call a fake noodle???? 

......an impasta!! 

Did you hear about the religious group that only eats mycoprotein? 

They call themselves Quorn Again Christians 

THE NAM says: 

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub . The bar man says , " Is this some 

kind of joke " . 

The old ones are the best ! 

Raj says: 

What do you call a man without any arms or legs who floats? 

Bob!! 

Raj says: 

What do you call a man without any arms or legs who swims the English Channel? 

Clever Dick!!! 


Confucius he say: "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me, for I 

may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow. In fact, why don't you f*** off and 

leave me alone, you b*****d!" 

S. Jarvis says: 

Just bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshire man.......he was wearing a cat flap!!!!! 


This bloke goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, when I woke up yesterday, I was singing Delilah. 

When I woke up today, I was singing The Green Green Grass Of Home! What's the matter with 

me?" The doctor says "You've got Tom Jones Syndrome". "I've never heard of it," says the bloke, 

"is it common?" "Well", says the doctor, "It's Not Unusual". 

Retired Husband and wife goes to Theatre, wife says to husband I think I've done quiet fart what 

shall I do. 

He says change your hearing aid battery 

paula king says: 

What does a cow say with no lips? - OO! 

Mr. Neil Robertson says:

~A Cup of Tea ~ 

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of 

my favourite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 

'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my 

mom came home. 

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just 

the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for 

Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. 

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she 

can reach to get water, is the toilet?" 

Stuart Gourlay says: 

Why did the boy fall off the swing??? 

Someone threw a canoe at him 

oracle says: 

Patient "Doctor doctor, I fell like a pair of curtains." 

Doctor "Oh come on now, pull yourself together." 

L. Hennessy says: 

Patient "Doctor - I think I've got a lettuce stuck up my arse." 

(Doctor pokes about a bit) 

Doctor: "I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg..." 


I'm a fairy. My name is Nuff. Fairy Nuff? 

Mr. J. Fowler says: 

this is true. bloke and his wife were going for fertility treatment. He was given a tube for a sample 

to bring back the next day. The doctor(with a lovely Jamaican accent) said to him when you bring 

it back put it in something warm like your inside jacket pocket when you return. The next day he 

turned up with a handful of steaming tinfoil, and opened it to reveal a jacket potato with his 

sample in a slit cut in the middle of it. He misheard jacket pocket and thought the doctor said 

jacket potato. this is true. If you think that was funny leave a post and ill leave another true and 

amazing story !!!!! 

livrox says: 

What's brown and sticky? A stick! 

B. Colgan says: 

When God made man He looked and said PERFECT. The next day he made woman----He looked 

and said-- Oh she will have to wear make-up 

Overworked Analyst says: 

I recently had a job working for a one handed typist doing the 'capitals' but wasn't very happy as 

it was shift work!!!

Mrs. J. Davies says: 

A man goes to the dentist for a filling. the dentist gets out an injection, man says no no can't abide 

injections , dentist says ok what about a whiff of gas , man refuses saying he could not bear to 

inhale gas . dentist says what about pills, yes says the man I can take pills, dentist hands him a 

Viagra man says wow I didn’t think Viagra was any good for pain dentist says it isn’t I just thought 

it would give you something to hold onto whilst I’m drilling. 

calamity deb says: 

What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of his cave? . . . . . . . . . . Camembert! 

SnagglePuss says: 

What does a frog do if his car breaks down? 

He gets it toad away! 

Did you hear about the man with 2 left feet? He bought a pair of flip-flips. 


What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? 

The marksman can shoot, but can't hit. 

K. Kammler says: 

A Paedophile says to another: "What’s the good thing about twenty-three year olds?" 

"There are twenty of them." 


Scandal in Teletubbyland! 

Tinky-Winky and Laa-Laa in "torrid affair" shock! 

Read exclusive report in Eh-Oh! Magazine! 

xman says: 

A woman out shopping, goes into her favourite boutique and sees a 50% sale on, unable to resist, 

she takes out the credit card and purchases a few treats, on leaving she passes another of her 

favourite shops, notes a designer sale, enters; and is amazed at the offers available and again 

takes out the credit card. Thinking this was her lucky day, on leaving this shop her mobile phone 

rings and on answering is told that her husband has been involved in a serious accident, and that 

he is in Intensive Care, and she should come right away. 

She spies a shoe shop and cannot resist the temptation to browse, and yet again the credit card is 

out and several pairs add to the wonderful bargains she has collected that day. Looking at her 

watch she debates with herself, 'surely another half an hour will not make a difference' - so she 

goes looking for a bag to mach the shoes, to match the outfits she bought earlier. Much later and 

slightly exhausted, she takes a seat in a cafe, orders a coffee and a slice of delectable chocolate 

cake, which all adds to the guilty pleasure of a days shopping. 

Then she remember her husband, and takes a taxi straight away to the hospital. 

When she arrives at the hospital she is met my the lady doctor who says, 'I see you chose to 

spend your time, shopping in designer outlets, no doubt maxing your credit card, instead of being 

at your husbands side. Well I should hope you have enjoyed - that has been your last as your 

husband has had a serious accident, he will need 24 hour care, you will have to be his carer, 

feeding him, bathing him, and looking after his toilet requirements - it will be a full time job for the 

rest of his life'. 

The woman burst into tears, thinking to herself, how could she be so callous! 

The Doctor takes a look at the woman and says, No.... only kidding love; he died! Now show me 

what you bought!!!!!!

Mrs Pete Duel says: 

Dave asked his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years l haven't, l do my 

best to remain professional". With that Dave dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest willy the 

Doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than an AAA battery. Doc bursts out into uncontrollable 

laughter, wipes away his tears and says "I'm sorry, I really am, it won't happen again. Now how 

can l help you ? Dave says "It's swollen" 


If William Shakespeare was alive today what would he be famous for? 

Old age! 

jt. says: 

Whenever I listen to too much Wagner, I start to want to conquer Poland. 

Stacey says: 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 

Can you smell carrots? 

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg! 

Den4QPR says: 

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The 

father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine." 

xman says: 

Man chats a woman up in a pub, all going great, he thinks, though rather nervous he decides to 

ask the question!! 

'Erm... I live not far from here, do you fancy coming back to mine for a night cap, or a coffee? 

She smiles back to him and says, it is a nice offer, but I am on my menstrual cycle. 

He replies, not to worry lass, it should go in the boot of my car. 


The joke wouldn't work if it was: 

"Doctor I think I've got a lettuce stuck up my a**e" 

"I'm afraid that's just the tip of the of the iceberg" 

Because a lettuce *is* an iceberg - a Brussell Sprout is a lot smaller, therefore it's bad news to 

discover that what you thought was a mere sprout is a lettuce. 

Caroline Sarson says: 

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk - arf! 

Allister R. Mckillop says: 

So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name? 

Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online. 

Fred Whittaker says: 

Correction: There are only 3 types of people in the world. Those who understand maths and those 

who don't.

L. J. Williams says: 

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You've already told her twice! :m 

01 Boxer says: 

In a recent survey, six out of seven dwarves said they were not happy 

vic says: 

My wife asked me if I had a good memory for faces. When I asked her why, she replied, I’ve just 

busted your shaving mirror. So I walked away and left her lying there. V.B. 

D. A. Bailes says: 

What do you get if you cross a Dalek with a beautician? 

A half human creature with stiff arms who goes round screeching, "Exfoliate! Exfoliate!" 

D. A. Bailes says: 

An archaeologist is a person who's career is in ruins. 


The boss called me and my mate into the office - furious, he was. "You two", he roared, "You 

drove into the storage bay, straight into all those boxes, knocked them flying, then you both 

jumped out, rolled all over the ground, pointing imaginary guns at people, and shouting "Let's go, 

let's go!" What the hell's the matter with you?" "Well" I said, "We're only doing what you said. You 

told us to start acting like Professionals!" 

Insanity says: 

I was chatting to two girls in the pub last night who clearly had a Welsh accent. 

"I recognise that accent" I said " You two girls are from Scotland, right?" 

"NO" one of them shouted back "Wales" 

"I'm sorry, you two whales are from Scotland, right?" 

what did the plumber say to his wife after they got divorced. its all over flow 

Mr. Clive Winter says: 

Three mates 1 dies his wish was to be buried at sea so the other two set off in a rowing boat, after 

half a mile one says to the other jump over and see if it is deep enough so he did and the water 

came up to his waist, no not yet he replied, so after another half mile the same again but this time 

it came up to his chin,no not yet was the reply so off again for another half a mile, this time he 

dissapeared under the water when he came up he said " this is OK pass me the spade" 

K. WORKMAN says: 

Jock goes to see Sandy in hospital taking him a bottle of whisky, "I'm too ill to drink that" says 

Sandy, "could you pour it over me," to which Jock replies "Aye, but would'ya mind if it goes 

through ma kidneys first?" 

K. Newbury says: 

My mate wanted to commit suicide so i pushed him under a train he was well chuffed. 

lardcap says: 

why did the monkey fall out of the tree? 

he was dead. 

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? 

He was sellotaped to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? 

He thought it was a game 

Miss Lg Murariu says: 

The forecast for tonight: Dark! 

jt. says: 

Some one admired my gold watch and asked, "where did I get it?" 

I told them my grandfather, on his death bed, sold me the watch. 

VeeJay says: 

Went into the kitchen this morning and found my boyfriend face down and not breathing. I 

panicked. I didn’t know what to do! ..... Then I remembered McDonalds do breakfast til 10.30. :) 

VeeJay says: 

Kate Middleton asks the Queen, "I always get bad indigestion after giving Wills oral, what should I 

do?". The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews". :) 

miss naylor says: 

my fella went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread...the birds were all over 

him! 

Dr Zoybergh says: 

what’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone ? You cannot make an enzyme. 

Mrs. K. J. Dickinson says: 

What has 4 legs and says 'boo'? 

A cow with a cold! 

Bigrubsie says: 

Doctor I think I'm a Moth, so why do you come to me it's a Shrink you should be seeing, I know 

and I was on my way to see one but your light was on. 


When's the worst time to have a heart attack? When you're playing charades! 

N. Robinson says: 

Sex Insurance have you got the right cover. Protected and UnProtected. 

Sex with your wife - Legal and General 

Sex on the Phone - Direct Line 

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life 

Sex with a CrossDresser - Confused.com 

Random Sex - Go Compare 

Sex with a Larger Lady - More Than 

Sex with an even Larger Lady - Elephant 

Sex in the back of the Car - Shelias Wheels 

Sex with a Posh Lady - Privileged 

Group Sex - Compare the Market 

Drunken Sex - The AA 

From Behind - Churchill 

Quickie Sex - SwiftCover 

First Time - Virgin 

Senior Sex - Standard Life (over 50 Plan)

Engagement Sex - Diamond 

Cheap Date Sex - Budget 

Mr. D. V. Logan says: 

A guy wakes up in hospital from a major operation. The doctor is standing over him and says "Well 

I have some good news and some bad news for you", the patient looks up all groggy "You best 

give me the bad news first doc" the doctor looks at him and says "Unfortunately there was a 

problem and we have had to amputate both of your legs" the patient is shocked and shouts "What 

the hell, how can there possibly be any good news", the doctor looks back and says "Well the guy 

in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!" 

Spirited Away says: 

If we really arent meant to eat at night...Then why is there is a light in the fridge. 

W. F. Graham says: 

did you hear about the prostitute who didnt know she had been raped till the cheque bounced 

Mrs. N. Irvin says: 

Sorry, this is a maths joke :) 

f(x) walks into a bar. the barman say 'sorry, we don't do functions' 

Jw Assender says: 

there were 2 flies on a dogs poo. 1 farted and the other one said do you mind i'm eating my 

dinner. 

Phil says: 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was 

really pissed. 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the 

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke 

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box 

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought 

the box back in the house. 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Bob has been missing since Friday. 

oakhamdon says: 

Shepherd with a talking sheep dog summons the dog. "Nip down to the bottom field" he says "and 

round up them sheep". The dog ponders a moment and then says "Yeah alright, I can do that". 

Ten minutes later the dog returns and tells the shepherd that he's done it. "How many sheep were 

down there" says the shepherd. Dog ponders and says "Forty". "Funny" says the shepherd "There 

were only 38 when I counted them this morning". "Thought you said to round them up?" says the 

dog. 

T. Logan says: 

my grandad died in a concentration camp. yeh he fell out of a machine gun tower! 

Chris says:

whats the difference between Roast beef and Pea soup? You can Roast beef but not Pea Soup...... 

moadam says: 

Why do Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex ............Mace! 

K. M. Byrne says: 

My boyfriend thinks he has a stalker, I’ve been following him for weeks but haven't seen her. 

Kaps says: 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty 

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery!! Ahahaha 

Mr. Frederick L. Foster says: 

what do you give an elephant when he's got diarrhoea????? 

answer:- plenty of room. 

Rick Blade says: 

Official Announcement: 

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM 

because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for 

inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of #icks, and gives you 

a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. 

irish man tries to blow up car.burnt his mouth on exhaurst 


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for 

money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top 

of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband 

tells his wife: 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and 

hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't 

complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy 

is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me 

he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the 

bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too !" 

M. Eyre says: 

Woman says to her husband, "I wish my breasts were bigger"? He says "why don't you push them 

into the sofa all day"! Will that work she says, he says "well it seems to have worked for your 

arse"!! 

J. C. Carroll says: 

what do you do if someone has a fit in the bath//////throw your washing in 

the ravin rabbids says:

What's green and goes hopping through the outback? 

Skippy the cooking apple 

Garry Paton says: 

Two hydrogen atoms in a water molecule - one says to the other - 'I reckon that oxygen is 

retaining my electron' - the other says, 'are you sure?' - 'Yes, I'm pretty positive' 

the computer auditor says: 

It is a common misconception that onions are the only vegetable that make your eyes water. A 

turnip in the face works as well. 

Emmett Brown says: 

Modigliani's horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "why the long faces?" 

J. D. Emerton says: 

Two blondes walk into Tesco's - you would have thought one of them would have seen the wall. 

M. Eyre says: 

My wife has been missing for two weeks! The police came round today and told me they had some 

bad news? I said "damn I will have to go down to the charity shop and get her clothes back"!!! 


During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her 

students: 

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for 

two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" 

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a slash." 

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part." 

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." 

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is 

unpleasant." 

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with 

a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner." 

M. Beaird says: 

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza? A: Deep pan, crisp and even 

Wd Pearson says: 

I told the doctor I was drinking brake fluid every day."You must be addicted" he said."No,doctor I 

CAN STOP ANYTIME!!"(hope this cheered you up a bit) 

Russeroo says: 

Why did the bakers hands stink? 'Cause he kneaded a poo 

elyod says: 

what do you call a nun sitting on a washing machine? sistermmatic 

Raymond Studdart says:

A little old lady was flying to Canada for the first time, so the stewart decided to ease her tension 

by telling a short story. 

"Do you know how rubber gloves are made?" he asked her. She shook her head. 

"Well, the makers mix up a big vat of melted material, then have men with various sizes of hands 

to dip them 

into the vat, then hold them up and allow them to dry". The old lady is not impressed and goes 

and sits in her seat. 

Halfway through the flight, she suddenly bursts out laughing. The stewart rushes over and asks 

her what the trouble is. 

The old lady says, " I was just considering your information and wondered just how condoms were 

made" 


Can a match box? No, but a tin can. 


Bloke goes to the barbers and says "Give me a haircut like Tony Curtis, please" "Certainly, Sir", 

says the barber, and as he clips away the bloke falls asleep. When he wakes up, he's completely 

bald. "You bloody idiot!" he says, "That's not a Tony Curtis cut!" "I beg your pardon, Sir", says the 

barber, "it most certainly is, and I should know, I've seen The King And I 12 times!" 


An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home. 

The man turns to the woman and says,"I bet you can't tell how old I am." 

She says,"Okay." 

She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and finally says, "You're 83." 

"That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know that?" he asks. 

She replies, "You told me yesterday." 

jan wilson says: 

i went to the doctors the other day to ask if they can treat alcolics, and he said yes my dear, so i 

said OH GOOD CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE PUB THEN IM SKINT. HE HE 

Wombat says: 

An old man walks into a chemist shop and asks for a large bottle of Viagra. 

"Have you a prescription?" The chemist asks. 

"No" The man replies, "But here's a photo of the wife!" 


I say I say I say, what's the secret of great comedy? 

I don't know, what IS the secret of gr..... 

Timing! 

Mrs. P. M. Wright says: 

what do you call a fly with no legs? a walk ;) 

Mrs. P. M. Wright says: 

what do you call a fly with no legs and no wings? a current! 

Fraz says:

Love Story 

I will seek and find you .. . 

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you 

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. 

I will make you beg .. 

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. 

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. 

All my love, 

The Flu 


One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you 

and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?" 

His mother, very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him 

to help him lose weight". 

The boy knows that's not working and says "Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next 

door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!" 

petea340 says: 

There was a knock on the door this morning, 

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said: 

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness". 

I said "Come in and sit down." 

"Now what do you want to talk about"? 

He said, " Buggered if I know...... I've never got this far before" 


There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the 

little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the 

hair between her legs was. 

She responded, "It's my wash cloth." 

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his 

mother again. While she was in the hospital the doctor had shaved off her pubic 

hair. 

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?" 

The mother responded, "I lost it." 

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's 

washcloth. 

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your 

washcloth." 

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the 

boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing Daddy's face with it." 

james says: 

i had a knock at my door last night,a chap asked me if id like to be a jahovers witness,i replyed im 

sorry i car'nt help you i did,nt see the accident, 

A. G. Maskowitz says: 

A fish swims peacefully along in a river and then suddenly hits a solid brick wall. Very dizzy, he 

looks up and says 

'Dam' 

petea340 says: 

Subject: Oh To Be 12 Again. 

Oh To Be 12 Again...A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at 

herself in the mirror.Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her 

Birthday.'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her 

Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,and then took her to Alton Towers 

theme park..What a day!He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the 

Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.?Five hours later they 

staggered out of the theme park.?Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.He then 

took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate 

shake.Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite 

sweets......M&M's.What a fabulous adventure!Finally she wobbled home with her husband and 

collapsed into bed exhausted.He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,'Well 

Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'?Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly 

changed.'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!! 

'The moral of the story:Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.? 

Mr Tinkle is very excited about marrying his fiance, Tess. 

She's not so sure about her new name!!! 

TEZ.M says: 

how long can you keep a chicken in the freezer,? 

coz i took mine out this morning,and it was dead. 

M. Christie says: 

NEW Wine for Seniors 

I kid you not... 

New Wine for Seniors 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and 

Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. 

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the 

night. 

The new wine will be marketed as 

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 

>

> 

> 

PINO MORE 

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE 

I just could not help Myself. 

Mr. Michael J. Kaye says: 

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver 

screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and 

stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.For a few moments everything was silent in 

the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again.You scared the daylights out of 

me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on 

the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your 

fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. For the last 25 years before this I have been 

driving a hearse. 


Michael Jackson's death is being treated as suspicious, They are not sure whether to blame it on 

the sunshine, blame it on the moonlight or blame it on the boogie.......... 


Some fools in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their 

mouths..This dangerous practice is known as..È by gum' 


Mums in group therapy. A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young 

Mothers and their small children, You all have obsessions,' he observed.To the first mother, Mary, 

he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. 'He turned to 

the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. 

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny. 'He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your 

obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'At this point, the fourth 

mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 

'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.. Lets pick Willy up from school and go 

home. 


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the 

Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical 

Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. 

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. 

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. 

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. 

"What are those?, asks the attendant. 

"They're called tees" replies Tiger. 

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. 

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. 

"Be Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!" 


Fart Football:- 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows.When the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven 

Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' 

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 

'Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,'Aha. 

I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie

score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' 

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, And accidentally mess's in the 

bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' 

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.' 

D. King says: 

I'm voting 'yes' in the referendum on the alternative vote. And my second preference is 'no'. 

Jay Bee says: 

Heard about the magic tractor? A - It turned into a field. 


Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Only one, but the bulb has *really* got to want to change... 

Kev-Ski says: 

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the Salad Dressing! 

megachef198 says: 

What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward 

What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head? Edward Woodward 

Do you know what to call a man with 4 planks on his head? No? Well Edward Woodward would! 


What do you call a man with three planks on his head who farts in the bath? 

Edward Woodward wood wood wood. wood wood. 

Mrs. D. A. Poole says: 

Middle age is when your classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognise you. 

Mrs. D. A. Poole says: 

Middle age is when you realise your children and your clothes are about the same age. 

Mr. Cm Lewis says: 

Did you hear about the white horse that went to the pub for a pint, the landlord came over and 

said to him we named this pub after you, the white horse smiled and said what Alex. 

oracle says: 

Was speaking to a grave digger the other day. Asked him had he ever buried anymore famous. 

"Well...", he says "... there was the author of The Times crossword last week". "Really, where is it" 

I replied. "4 down and 3 across" came the response. 

I fostered a kid with an ASBO the other day. All four cans got him right on the back of the head :) 

Chris says: 

A car crashed down our street earlier today and burst into flames right in between Mr & Mrs Balls 

house and their neighbours Mr & Mrs Smith. 

It was a good job that the driver was dragged out by the Smith's.

Chris says: 

A man goes to the doctors and says - Doctor i think i am going deaf 

The Doctor replies - what are the symptoms? 

The man says - an American cartoon family! 

Mr. Richard Gould says: 

Met a lesbian in a bar...............where's lesbia? 

dave says: 

wats the biggest drawback inside the jungle? elephants forskin 

K. Rainey says: 

Knock Knock.. 

Who's there? 

Biggish.. 

Biggish who? 

No thanks mate Ive already got one.... = ) 


Man goes to the Doctors with an itchy ball bag, 

She takes a look at it and then says 

"Im afraid you'll have to stop playing with your self sir" 

"oh no why?" 

"Because Im trying to examine you" 

= ) 

malky says: 

Malky.a guy goes to the doctors telling him every time that i open a window i cannot stop 

farting,the doc tells him to open the window then the doc said i will not be a minute,he came back 

with a long pole with a hook on the end of it the patient got worried said to the doc what are you 

going to do with that,the doc said open all these windows its stinking in here. 

C. S. Walker says: 

the other day i had a £50 note tattoo on tackle, the tattoo guy asked why i was having it, well this 

is one £50 i dont mind the wife blowing.... 

NoddyShoulder says: 

A finnish guy went to Soho and got surrounded by a group of black gangsters. 

- Did you came here to die? yelled the leader of the gang. 

- No, I came here yesterdie. 


This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my 

wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine 

under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every 

bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task. 

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the 

sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork 

from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the 

taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. 

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not 

until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did 

this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down

the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink 

out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the 

next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with 

the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. 

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted 

the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as 

the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in 

one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and 

congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I 

will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by. 

cantstopbuyingonamazon says: 

what's got 2 legs and bleeds? A dog cut in half 

O Wood says: 

A man walks into the doctors wearing nothing but clingfilm. 

The doctor says 'i can clearly see you're nuts" 

O Wood says: 

Isn't that meant to be brummie gangsters? 

Gem 18 says: 

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. 

From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to 

have their car break down in the car park. 

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. 

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw 

a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. 

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into 

glaringly public ones. 

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his 

shorts, and tucked everything back into place. 

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who 

was standing idly by watching. 

The RACQ mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. 

Joan W says: 

What do Skegness donkeys get for their dinner ? Half hour same as everyone else!! Boom Boom 

paffy says: 

A horse down on his luck walks into a bar and orders a double whisky. The barman says, 'what's 

with the long face'? 

Chris (Ziggy) Moore says: 

How do you keep an idiot in suspense..... 

Mr. A. A. J. Laffoley says: 

See the Yanks still put the "Bins" out even on a bank holiday. 

The Boosh says: 

Bet Bin Laden is sorry he filled in that Census form now. 

What do you have if you have one little green ball in your left hand and one in your right 

hand?.....The undivided attention of a leprechaun

Ebenezer [Keith] says: 

Richard Branson is opening a chain of brothels at airports. Probably for the use of his Mates. 

They are going to be called Virgins Rn't Us 

Mrs. V. J. Mitchell says: 

what do u call a condom with sand in it?? an organ grinder! 

Ms. N. CUNNINGHAM says: 

knock, knock.....whose there?.....needle!!!!!-depending where you come from will depend on the 

pronunciation-(need a loo) hehe 

knock, knock....whose there?......dunnap !!!!!depending where you come from will depend on the 

pronunciation-(dun a poo) or can change it to hadap-had a poo!!!! 

knock, knock...whose there?.....Alec.....Alec who.....Alec to pick me nose!!!!! 

Ian Cormack says: 

Elton john’s latest release sandals in the bin 


i slept like a log woke up in the fireplace 

Gem 18 says: 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 

The average man ' s penis is two times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman ' s heart beats faster than a man ' s. 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. 

Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person ' s skin weighs twice as much as the brain. 

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

Women 

will be finished reading this by now. 

Men 

are still busy checking their thumbs. 

Mr. C. J. Lavender says: 

Does bin larden get into the ginuiss book of records, for playing hide and go seek for six years 

.............. lmao 

McG1967 says:

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? 

Iron Man is a comic book superhero, were as Iron Woman is an order. 

David John Simon Mason says: 

2 drums and a cymbol fall off a cliff........... ba boom tish. 

baz says: 

10 years trillion of dollars.thousands of dead soldiers. state of the art technology .the us finally 

found bin laden ....at his f...ing house 


two owls playing poole one leaned over the table and touched a ball with his wing the other player 

said "thats two hits" the other owl replied twohitstowho pmsl when i liked it lol 

Chris says: 

Overheard at the Royal Wedding: 

Kate: Tell me Queenie what is the secret to a long and happy marriage? 

Queen: Always wear a seat belt and don't p*ss me off! 


Dave the Caveman is sitting on top of a huge dead dinosaur looking very pleased with himself, 

"you just kill that one Dave?" says his mate 

"Yeah beauty innit used the club" says Dave 

"Must be a big club you got eh?" 

"Aye theres about 20 of us in it" says Dave 

VICTOR says: 

my friend drinks break fluid but he say's he's not addicted because he can stop at anytime!! 

doody says: 

Do you know the difference between a condom and a coffin? One is for cummin and the other is 

for goin' 

James Guest says: 

mixed emotions 

Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions? 

A: Seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new sports car. 

Why did the male keyboard mouse and the female keyboard mouse get on so well, i dont know 

they just seemed to click. 

Mr. J. E. Till says: 

Why do women have orgasms, just another reason to moan! 

Chris says: 

A man goes to the doctor: 

Man: Doctor I have a bit of a problem 

Doctor: What is the matter?

Man: My 'Old Chap' has turned orange 

Doctor: You better let me have a look at it 

The man pulls down his trouser and pants and shows the doctor his 'Old Chap' and sure enough it 

is bright orange 

Doctor: Well I have never seen one that colour before and I am not sure what to suggest; can you 

tell me what you do for a living? 

Man: I am unemployed and haven't had a job for the last 6 months. 

Doctor: Oh.... well what do you do all day? 

Man: Not much I just eat Wotsits and watch porn! 

Chris says: 

I had my Census form returned to me today. 

In answer to the question 'do you have any dependants' I said 

Asylum seekers, the unemployed, illegal immigrants, Northern Rock, RBS, Portugal, Ireland, most 

of Eastern Europe and the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show. 

Apparently this was not an acceptable answer. 

Frank says: 

A woman leaves a note to commit suicide to her friend. When the friend burst into her apartment 

she saw the woman with a rope around her waist. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"I couldn't breath with it round my neck!" She replied. 

Linda Davies says: 

A rabbit hopped into the clearing in the middle of the woods, in need of a poo. 

He hopped onto a fallen tree next to a bear who was also taking a dump.... 

"Morning" said the rabbit. 

"Morning" replied the bear. 

After a couple of minutes the bear looked at the rabbit and asked "Tell me Mr Rabbit do you have 

problems with poo sticking to your furr?" 

"No" sniggered the rabbit 

"Good" said the bear and picked up the rabbit and wiped his arse with him. 


Brummy joke (needs the accent) 

What's the difference, right,.... 'tween a buffalo and a bison? 

You cant' wash your hands in a buffalo 


Swedish joke (needs the accent) 

A man walks into a pharmacy in Sweden.... 

"good Mooornin', ow may I elp you?" asked the assistant 

"I would like to buy a deodorant please" 

"Certainly Sir... Ball or aerosol?" 

"Neither ... for under my arms" 


A man goes to the doctor complaining of a problem with his old fella. 

The doctor has a quick examination of it and asks him to describe his sex life. 

"usually my wife wakes me up about 5 with a nice bj, and then we have sex,

then while she is in the shower I usually do the maid who brings breakfast, 

then I'll have a shower, and sometimes the wife wants another go. 

Then we'll have breakfast. I usually give my p.a. a good seeing to on the way to work , sometimes 

the chauffer wants to join in, so I give her one as well. 

In work I'll usually do one or two of the receptionists, a couple of rep's usually pop in for a quicky, 

my boss usually 2 or 3 times, my wife pops in for a lunch time session. A few clients in the 

afternoon, the chauffer again, my personal trainer down the gym, a few of the gym bunnies who 

throw themselves at me, .... back home ... the wife... the maid.. then the evening staff (3 or 4 or 

them) ... before a nice bj from my wife to fall asleep " 

The doctor was a little take aback "so what seems to be the problem?" 

"It hurts when I wn*k" 


Two sisters owned a pharmacy. 

In walked a man who looked around very sheepishly, and was about to walk out when one sister 

asked if she could help. 

The man was obviously wasn't happy " is there a male pharmacist I can speak to?" he asked 

"no sorry, but both my sister and I have owned and run this shop for 7 years and there is very 

little we haven't seen or heard so you don't need to be afraid, just tell me what's wrong" 

"errr.....I've got a permanent erection" whispered the man 

"Really ? can I see it please?" 

the man pulled his track suit trousers open and the owner peered into his pants. 

"oh I see" said the girl “I’ll have to go and speak to my sister" 

The second sister soon came over and also had a good look. 

"can you offer me anything for it?" asked the man.. 

The two sisters had a quiet discussion before “The best we can offer you is 10,000 a year plus a 

1/3rd partnership in the shop. 

jb says: 

The only way for a couple living in a flat with Joe their 8 year old son to have an afternoon quickie, 

was to send him out on to the balcony with a mars bar and comment on the activities in the street, 

while they go into the bedroom. Joe starts Helen is riding her bike, Tommy has fell off his 

skateboard and the Jacksons are having sex. Dad stops and sits up quickly and says how do you 

know the Jacksons are having sex, to which Joe replies Jonny Jackson is on the balcony with a 

mars bar 


A young lady goes for a job at the 'Tickle me Elmo' factory and after a short induction by the 

Manager she is led to the production line to begin work. 

A couple of hours later the foreman goes to the Manager and says "I think you best have a word 

with this new young lady as she is holding up production and I am not sure what she is doing" 

The Manager goes with the foreman to the production line and surely enough there is the young 

lady with a massive backlog of tickle me Elmo’s behind her, she is sitting there and carefully 

sewing two marbles into a pouch and attaching them between each of the tickle me Elmo’s legs. 

The Manager goes up to the young lady and whispers in her ear "I think you misunderstood me 

earlier, I said you had to give each Elmo two test tickles". 

R Green says: 

What's got 4 legs and sits at the end of your bed taking the p##s out of you? 

A dialysis machine. 

Mayor Hobbies says: 

Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice box? 

....It said 'Concentrate'...............

Bernard Byrne says: 

Stress Reliever 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' 

Girl: 'We will, that's because we aren't married yet.' 

Mr. J. W. Davis says: 

A man knocked on my door and said "do you want your shed re-tarred?" I said ""no thanks" so he 

took it. 

N A Mallon says: 

What do you call a 3 legged Donkey? .......................... A Wonkey. 

W. Mckimm says: 

A woman takes her 16 y.o. daughter to the doctor saying that her daughter is being sick of a 

morning and has developed a craving for pickled onions. The doctor examines her and confidently 

predicts, "Your Daughter is pregnant". The woman exclaims, "You must have got it wrong Doctor, 

my daughter has nothing to do with men"."Isn't that right pet"? Yes, that's right Mum. The Doctor 

turned away and walked over to the window and continued to stare out of it for a good 5 minutes. 

"What are you doing Doctor"? said thje Mother. "Well", said the Doctor. "The last time anything 

likes this happened a bright light appeared in the sky and 3 wise men came riding over the hill on 

Camels and I'll be buggered if I'm going to miss it this time". 

Bernard Byrne says: 

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car 

showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; 

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the 

pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a 

police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as 

he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What 

on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over 

to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with 

him. 

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side 

of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 

minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can 

give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, 

I'll let you go." 

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 

"Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were 

bringing her back." 

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman 

peter gray says: 

two lions walking down oxford street in london one says to the other one not many people about 

today

Today a toilet was stolen from Scotland Yard. Police have nothing to go on. 

H. meiehofer says: 

What to you call a man with large feet and no spade in his head? Big Hughie Douglas (Only really 

works in a Scottish accent) 

Hayley says: 

Why does the Monkey not want to play cards with the big cat? 

Because he's a cheater! 

Chris says: 

Ryan Giggs has gone into hiding. I cant Imogen why 

Nobody told me that Imogen Thomas was a talented musician? 

Apparently she’s being doing Giggs around Manchester for the past eight months! 

Ryan Giggs has admitted to feeling homesick recently. 

He loves it in Manchester but does Miss Wales occasionally! 

What a player Ryan Giggs is. 

He's been in 7 FA cup finals, 3 Champions league finals, 5 League Cup finals and 1 Big Brother 

quarter finalist. 

Gary Neville must have a brilliant lawyer. 

You never hear of him shagging a gorgeous model. 

jt. says: 

I was complimented on my gold pocket watch today, and they asked "where did I get it?" 

I told them my grandfather, on his death bed, sold me the watch. 


I had a chicken and bacon sandwich for lunch - it was pigging foul. 

dkmenns says: 

A man visits his cousin and starts complaining about everything. 

After a week his cousin asks him "How long have you been here?" 

And he replies "7 days".......And he asks again "And how long have you been complaining?"..."8 

days" 

"huh" 

"I'm counting tomorrow" 

M. Dowles says: 

Knock Knock..... 

whose there 

europe 

europe who?? 

no your a poo! 

Lorraine says:

When is it the right time to see the dentist? A: When it's tooth hurty. 


A woman is getting changed in her bedroom and says to her husband "Close the curtains before 

the neighbours see me naked" 

The husband replies "Don't worry if the neighbours see you naked they will close their own 

curtains". 

Mr. R. Hollman says: 

Man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, it hurts when I touch my head. It hurts when I touch my 

elbow and it hurts when I touch my leg, what's wrong with me?" The doctor examines him and 

says, "I think I see the problem. You have broken your finger". 

Mr. Sj Jackson says: 

A blonde in an office keeps getting up going to the front door sitting back down getting up going to 

the door all day. "what is wrong" someone asks. "This computer keeps telling me there is incoming 

mail" she says 

Ever wondered why married women are fatter than single ones? After a night out, single ladies 

look what's in the fridge and head to bed, married women look what's in the bed and head to the 

fridge. 

Kassie49 says: 

I think you got this wrong - it should be men's brains 10,000 pounds, women's brains one 

thousand pounds - why?? because the men's brains are much rarer!! 

Kassie49 says: 

Daddy polart bear was taking a walk with baby polar bear. "are you sure I am a polar bear" said 

baby bear, "of course you are" said his father. A little later "daddy are you sure I am a polar bear" 

"yes you are" said daddy polar bear - "I am a polar bear, your mummy is a polar bear, and you 

are a polar bear - why do you ask?" "I'm ***king freezing" said the baby bear! 

Mr. I. H. MacKinnon says: 

Two cannibals are sitting after a meal. One says to the other, "That was delicious, your wife makes 

a lovely roast." To which the other replies, "Yeah, but I will miss her." 

Miss Joan M Harper says: 

What do you get when you cross an arab leader with a cartoon character? Gadaffi Duck!! 

What you you get when you cross an arab leader with a cartoon character? Yosemite Saddam 

D. J. Baum says: 

Q:How do you get a fat bird into bed? A:Piece of cake! 

Mrs. K. Boland says: 

Everyone lift your feet up i feel sorry for the floor it’s always getting walked all over. 

I feel sorry for doors too they are always getting pushed around 

Mr. Ian Wilson says: 

I used to be a stand up comic until my knee's went 

Mr. S. J. Dowdell says: 

What's the difference between pink and purple????? Your grip.

Duncan Alexander Wood says: 

Why does an elephant paint its toenails pink?.....cos it can hide in a cherry tree!. 

Duncan Alexander Wood says: 

What's yellow and dangerous?...shark infested custard! 

D. Anderson says: 

A new nurse from China started duty in Tan Tock Seng Hospital. The doctor walked past the ward 

and heard a patient choking. He rushed in and saw the nurse stuffing pills in to the patient's 

mouth. "No, no, nurse I said 2 tablets 6 times a day, not 6 tablets twice a day". Later that day the 

same doctor heard groans from another patient. The nurse had a serious of empty syringes lined 

up by the bed. "No, no nurse I said 1 injection 8 times a day not 8 injections once a day." 

Just before the doctor went off-duty he heard screams from behind a screen around a bed. He 

rushed and looked with horror, "No, no, nurse I said prick his boil". 

Michel Petit says: 

- How many feminists does it take to change a bulb? - One - and that's not even funny, you 

chauvinist pig!! 

Wombat says: 

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures 

he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. 

The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches 

kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted, 

"And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" 

"Well, I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of 

headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. 

This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze 

her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. 

Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes." 

Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked. 

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't 

thank you enough. 

Oh, and by the way.... nice house!" 

miss fletcher says: 

an expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. he has obviously 

never tried wiping his bum with a lap top!!!! 

Mrs. G. Burton says: 

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female chav? A. Granny. 

Wombat says: 

Driving along in the car the other day, I opened the window and Influenza. 

Get it? In flew enzer! Ha-Ha-Ha, Hee-Hee Hee!! (Oh, never mind). 

Chris McMahon says: 

Neighbour rapped my door at 2.30am the cheat of her , lucky i was still up playing the drums then 

A. R. Craig says: 

what do you call a deer with no eyes ( no idea)what do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes 

(still no idea 

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and 

was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant? 

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,I didn't have a dog, I was 

starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital 

last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of 

most of my orifices and IVs in both arms 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your 

pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is 

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told 

her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's. :lol: 

Wombat says: 

Teacher: What do you want to become? 

Little boy: A gynaecologist miss. 

Teacher: Why? 

Little boy: Because it's the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her knickers 

and get her husband to pay for it. 


Dad buys a lie detecting robot which slaps people when they lie and decides to test it at dinner. 

He says to his son "What was school like today" 

Son replies "Same old dad a, bit boring" the robot slaps him, "Ok I was at Mike's house and we 

watched a dvd" 

"Which dvd" his dad asked 

"Transformers" replied the son, the robot slaps him again "Ok, ok I was watching porn" 

"When I was your age, I never watched porn you should be disgusted" said the dad, the robot 

then slaps the dad. 

Mum laughs "He's definitely your son", robot slaps mum. 

cheeky Monkey says: 

A woman is sitting at home relaxing and sipping wine with her husband. 

She says, "I love you." 

Husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" 

She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine." 

John Oreilly says: 

if peter cushing married whoopi goldberg would she become .......whoopi cushing 


Why do only 2 out of 10 cats shave? 

Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskers!

Terry says: 

My Wife Caught Me In Bed With A Dwarf Last Night, Crying She Said To Me, You Promised Me You 

Would'nt Cheat Anymore I Replied I am Trying Too Cut Down 

I. Weightman says: 

what do you call a woman playing snooker while balancing 3 pints of beer on her head? 

Beertricks Potter 

Wombat says: 

Little fly upon the wall 

Aint you got no 'ome at all? 

Aint you got no mum and dad? 

Aw gawd blimey - aint that sad! 

Bowldova says: 

Two thick guys meet at work. 

John says, "Hi Dave, my wife bought me a new flask for my birthday, It's great, it keeps hot things 

hot and cold things cold." 

Dave asks, "So what you got in it now?" 

John replies, "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice" 

ALAN PETERS says: 

a diary of bin laden was found the last entry was i will have to go someone is at the door 

Mick & Paddy had a disastrous trip to the sperm donor clinic in London, 

Mick came on the bus and Paddy missed the tube.... 

A J Moore says: 

Went to my butchers; "venison's dear isn't it"? I asked. Then I bet him I could guess the weight of 

all the meat on the top shelf for £100. "The steaks are too high", he replied. 

P. Wagg says: 

Dali lama goes into a pizza shop and says to assistant "make me one with everything" 

Heather says: 

What’s worse than a dead baby? The holocaust 

Wombat says: 

A man is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The 

only problem is that she is a nun. 

He decides to approach her anyway. 

"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. 

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. 

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the man and says "I know a way you can get her in the 

sack." 

The bus driver tells the man about how the nun goes to confessional every day at 3 o'clock in the 

afternoon. The bus driver then tells the man this clever plan, and the man leaves happy knowing 

he's going to have a grand time tomorrow. 

The next day at 3 o'clock the man is in the booth dressed as a priest. 

When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with 

you." 

She replies, "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to 

God I will only take it up the ass." 

The man figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. 

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise - Surprise! I'm the man on the bus!" 

With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise - Surprise! I'm the bus driver!!"

Reply to this post 

A little old lady gets on the bus and asks the driver for "a return please" 

"A return?" says the bus driver, "return to where luv?" 

"Back here of course!" says the little old lady. 

Wombat says: 

An 80 year old man got married to a pretty 16 year old girl. 

On their first night together, both were in tears ... Why? 

Because she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything! 

Mr. A. J. Sparrow says: 

i told my girlfriend she reminded me of a toe. "why, because I’m small and cute. " she said. "No." i 

replied “because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I’m drunk." 

jj says: 

A new supermarket opened in Winnipeg, Manitoba. It has an automatic water mister to keep the 

produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh 

rain. 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown 

hay. 

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the 

pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. 

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore. 

John Bennett says: 

There was a young man that had a wooden eye and was very shy, but he had a gregarious, 

extroverted friend that was always trying to get his pal with the wooden eye to come out and 

socialize. 

One day he eventually convinced him to come out to the weekend dance in the social hall. 

Everyone was dancing and having a good time but the man with his disability wasn't dancing and 

just sat and watched everyone. His pal came up and said, "There's a nice girl sitting alone over 

there," pointing, "and she's alone. She's got a bit of a big nose, but other than that, she's quite 

nice. Go on, I'm sure she'd love to dance with you." 

"No, she'll make fun of my wooden eye." 

"Oh, stop with that rubbish. Come on!" So he apprehensively approaches her and summons up 

enough courage and says, "Excuse me Miss, but would you like to dance with me?" She replies, 

happily "Oh, would I! Would I! and he angrily says "Big nose, big nose!" 

Mr. M. Moreton says: 

A herd of cows in a field. One says 'mooo'. Another one says ' you swine, I was going to say that. 

Mr. J. Cusack says: 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 

"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's crosseyed? " 

"No, because he's really heavy" 

ben bass says: 

Knock, knock, 

Who's there? 

Marion, 

Marion who? 

Marry an old bag like you! You must be joking. 


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked 

straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill 

your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds 

of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the 

pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription." 


The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk 

to her about the raise. 

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" 

Maria: "There are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." 

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" 

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." 

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." 

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" 

Maria: "Jor hozban did." 

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did he???" 

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." 

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. “And did my husband say that as well?" 

Maria: "No, The gardener did!" 

Wife: "So how much do you want?" 


Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. 

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really

tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating 

their "Older Person Friendly" policies. 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. 

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get 

here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." 

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. 

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder" 

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, It's odd though your coming in late. I know 

you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the 

morning so late and so often?" 

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. 

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and 

said, ?Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?" 

the badger says: 

It’s only the hair on a gooseberry stopping it being a grape 


My dog he is a gentle soul, 

A little big it's true 

He brings the mail each morning, 

Sometimes the postman too. 

Paul S. Johnson says: 

A man walks up to a politician and says if I call you a lying thieving b#######d you would take 

me to court ,would you not, but I`m allowed to think it ? 

yes ,says the politician ,quizzically ! 

The man turns and says well I think you are a lying thieving b########d 

Wombat says: 

Woman complaining to dentist: 

"It's so painful that I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed." 

Dentist: 

"Quickly, make up your mind and I'll adjust the chair accordingly." 

Mr. Paul Cobb says: 

my mate went to a party dressed as a biscuit he didn’t make as the dog ate him up in the hall 

Francis Coggs says: 

A foreman of a landscape gardening company is knocking on doors, drumming up work. A nice 

lady opens her door and is quite interested. The foreman is singing the praises of their experience 

- it's most impressive Then he turns away and shouts "No, green side up!" The lady asks if they've 

done much work in this area. "Oh yes, Madam" says the foreman, then he turns again and shouts 

"No, green side up!" again. The lady asks him what this means. "Oh, that's my partner. He's just 

across the road there, laying some turf." 

Husband sends his wife out for a pint of milk, she never ever comes back. after three weeks, his 

mate said, how you getting on? he replied, i am using powered milk!


Bloke goes for a job interview. The interviewer asks "What's your name?" The bloke replies "Colin 

F***ing B*****d Wilson." "Ah", says the interviewer, "do you have Tourette's Syndrome?" "No", 

says the bloke, "but the vicar who christened me did." 

D. J. Sullivan says: 

Mick and Paddy are looking up at a flag pole when a blonde comes walking past. She asks 'what 

are you doing?'. Mick replies 'our boss has told us to measure the height of the flagpole'. The 

blonde says 'that's easy', reaches into her handbag for a spanner, undoes the nuts, drops the flag 

pole to the floor, pulls a measuring tape out of her handbag, measures, puts the flag pole back 

upright, tightens the nuts, puts the spanner and tape away and says, 'its 6.3 meters'. She then 

walks off. Paddy turns to Mick and says 'isn't that typical of a blonde, you ask her for the height 

and she gives you the length' 

Mr. E A. JOLLEY says: 

Nappies and politicians should be changed regularly both for the same reason. 


And what about the seven foot Texan who died. He was given an enema and buried in a cigar box. 

"You can always tell a Frenchman, 

You can always tell the Dutch, 

You can always tell a Yankee 

But you cannot tell him much." 

Sam Small Flies Again. 

Ben Bass. 

John Browne says: 

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other - You do the driving, I'll take the guns! 

A Burgess says: 

Did you hear about the fight outside the fish and chip shop??? A fish got battered. 

E. Eudall says: 

What cheese can you hide a horse in?. Mascarpone!! 


Are you one of the Calne Harris's -- or from Tweed? My Brother had a jacket of theirs when he left 

school; it's hanging in the wardrobe but it win't fit me. 

I've heard it said that Scotsmen are like a fart. Once they pass the Tweed they never return. 

Ben Bass. 

Wombat says: 

An old man says to his best mate, "You know, even though I'm old, I've still got it yer know". 

"Yes" Replied his friend, "The problem is that nobody wants it anymore!" 


My mate went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over him. 

Wombat says: 

WHY MEN ARE FATTER THAN WOMEN? 

Research shows men are fatter than women because every night men get; 

Fresh milk 

2 big papayas

While women only get; 

1 banana, 

2 peanuts 

1 tea-spoon of starch! 

Farginsneekyicehole! says: 

The missus said to me,"You only want sex when your drunk," 

I said "That’s not true, sometimes I want a kebab". 

Farginsneekyicehole! says: 

The following questions were set in last year's education standards audit 

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed. 

Q. Name the four seasons 

A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar 

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink 

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead 

sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed 

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire 

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans 

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the 

moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the 

sun joins the fight 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on 

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections 

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election 

Q. What are steroids 

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs 

Q.. What happens to your body as you age 

A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty 

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes 

A. Premature death 

Q. What is artificial insemination 

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour 

A. Keep it in the cow 

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) 

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The 

brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity 

contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. 

Q. What is the fibula? 

A. A small lie 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium 

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' 

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome 

Q. What is a seizure? 

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) 

Q. What is a terminal illness 

A. When you are sick at the airport. 

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? 

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas 

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning 

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? 

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight 

Q. What is a turbine? 

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head 

drscar says: 

A Rasta man goes into a bank with a 25Kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the teller..., 

shocked the teller asks. “What’s this for?" The Rasta man replies "me here to open a joint 

account".... 

hazelxstitch says: 

A man goes into Superdrug and asks the assistant for a deodorant. 

"Do you want the roll-on ball type?", she asks. 

"No," replies the man, "It's for under my arms." 

suttonsea says: 

Chap walks into a pub and orders a pint. He’s wearing black socks black shorts ,black top and has 

a whistle in his mouth. Landlord says to the barmaid. Keep an eye on him ,i think he’s going to 

kick off in a minute. 

Andy Music says: 

Two parrots sat on a perch. One turned to the other and said, "Can you smell fish?" 

Jardov says: 

An old couple are sitting having breakfast. The wrinkly old woman says "my nipples are hot for 

you", her husband replies "that's because one's in your porridge and the other's in your tea". 

s.a.murdoch says: 

What gets an oyster mad?? 

A noisy noise annoys an oyster...... 

Graham says: 

My wife suggested I get a penis enlargement. I agreed. 

Her name is Sharon and a fit 21 year old

A. Thompson says: 

A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. 

He says " I'll have a pint please barman, oh and one for the road..." 


....and the barman says "I can't serve him - he's a cycle path" 

Luc Schrijvers says: 

"I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as 

bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little. " 

Billy Connolly 

MRS SMITH says: 

Why don't cats shave? Because 8/10 prefer Whiskas! 

Big D says: 

what’s white and swings through the jungle? 

A Fridge !!!! 

what’s white and brown and swings through the jungle? 

A Fridge wearing a loincloth!!!!! 

what’s black and blue and swings through the jungle? 

Tarzan after he’s had a fight with the fridge!!!! 

Mr. A J. Connolly says: 

In hospital yesterday on my mobile when a nurse asks if I can read pointing to a sign stating 

"switch off your mobile phones." I told her that taking notice off signs in the place was crazy. Just 

down the corridor is a sign stating stroke patience. I'm in court next week 

mickydibble says: 

went to slimming world the other day and dropped my bag of maltesers all over the floor,-- 

best game of hungry hippo`s I have ever seen. 

shulessjoe says: 

What’s the smallest Hotel in the world? 

A woman's fanny,cos only one can go in and you've got to leave your bags outside!!! 

D. Fulcher says: 

A blonde says to her boyfriend I got a compliment on my driving today. I was shopping and when i 

returned to the car someone had put a note under the windscreen wiper saying parking fine. 

Jezster says: 

Jimmy Saville got stuck in a faulty time machine. Now then, now then, now then. 

Jezster says: 

My wife and I have decided we don't want kids. 

So, if anyone out there wants a couple of teenagers.....!! 

R. Ingilby says: 

What was Amy Winehouse's biggest hit? 

Her last one 

Janeoffen says:

Texting for Seniors-ATD- at the doctors 

BFF-Best friends funeral 

BTW-Bring the wheel chair 

FWIW-Forgot were i was 

GGPBL-Gotta go, pacemaker battery low 

HGBM-had good bowl movement 

IMHO- Is my hearing aid on 

TTYL-talk to you louder 

GGLKI- gotta go, laxative kicking in 

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" 

God says: "So you would love her." 

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" 

God says: "So she would love you." 

MISTERBLUESKYE says: 

a man walks into a bar with a duck under his arm, 

the bar says where did you get the pig 

the man says its a duck 

the barman adds i was talking to the duck 


Both George Best and Alex Higgins are very happy in heaven, they’ve heard there’s a Winehouse 

on the way 


a giraffe goes into a bar. 

the barman asks why the long face. 

the giraffe replies my mothers just died 

R Richardson says: 

My neighbour just came over to complain someone has been stealing her washing..... I nearly 

poo'ed her pants! 

Mr. W. S. Lyon says: 

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes!!! 

R Field says: 

I was stood behind an elderly lady at the cash point today, she asked if I could help her check her 

balance so I pushed her over!! 

Mr. Ian Wilson says: 

I see the price of egg's has gone up, I've heard of battery hen's but their charging too much 

Mr. John Grier says: 

Two men walk into a bar and the barman says ' Is this some kind of a joke?' 

Miss Natalie Grimmette says: 

I call my cat cigarette because i put him out every night 

A. MACGILLIVRAY says: 

Or the dyslexic devil worshipper ....who sold his soul to Santa 

D Davis says:

Two guys talking in a bar - one says I booked a table for Valentine’s Day for myself and my 

girlfriend but as usual it ended in tears - she’s crap at snooker 

Jardov says: 

God created man - man got lonely. He said to God, "I want a companion who is loyal and loving, 

someone who will always be there for me to care for me, someone beautiful both inside and out 

with whom I will share love for ever" 

and God said, "it will cost you your left arm and your left leg" 

and man said "what will you do me for a rib?" 


A man is sitting in a the pub sipping a pint looking all gloomy, the barman says "what's up, bad 

day?" The man replies "You could say that, my 4 year old son has managed to get next door's 

gorgeous 18 year old girl pregnant" 

"That's impossible, how that could happen" asked the barman. 

"He stuck pins in all my condoms" replied the man 

C. Kenny says: 

Here's three from Ireland to brighten up your day... 

Why was 6. afraid of 7. Answer : Because 7. 8. ( ate ) 9. 

My wife only has two complaints in life... nothing to wear and not enough wardrobe space. 

A man makes an urgent call to his family doctor. " My wife is pregnant and her contractions are 

only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" The doctor asks. "No" screams the man, "this is 

her husband" 

Laughter says: 

Ronray. Two Lions walking along Blackpool Prom. One said to the other "Quiet Here To-Day" 

William Battey says: 

Second verse is:- 

I met a poor beggar one morning at dawn - He was eating the grass on my front garden lawn. I 

said if you're hungry Alas and Alak - but the grass is much longer just round at the back!... 

Third verse is:- I went one morning to visit Miss Brown - she was having a bath and couldn't come 

down. I said "slip on something, come down very quick" So she slipped on the soap, and came 

down in a tick!! Chorus is "Singing tural-i-ural-i-ural-i-ay" 


Bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin,......................................... and tonic" 

Barman says "Why the big paws?" 

What did the chicken say to the cow? 

"I'll swap you an egg for a pint of milk" ! 

Mr. K. White says: 

WHAT`S GREEN AND STICKY? 

Green Sticks 

Smiley Dudes says: 

2 Elephants and a Snake jump from a cliff. 

Boom Boom Tssss

Vladimir Crasneanscki says: 

What do you call a sheep tied to a post in Swansea? A leisure centre 

Andrew Bishop says: 

whats the worst thing about being an egg? 

only ever get laid once, and it’s by your mum. 

fatpapa says: 

A man goes to his GP and says, "I think I am shrinking." 

GP says, "Don't worry. You have to be a little patient." 

Miss G. L. Blakey says: 

A teenage girl was wearing a see thru top and no bra. Her Gran threw a fit and said you can’t go 

out like that. Chill Gran you gotta let your rose buds show, these r modern times. Next day she 

comes home to find Gran topless. GRAN you can’t do that. To which Gran says, If you can let your 

rose buds show, I can show my hanging baskets!! 

M. Emsley says: 

Was in the queue at Tesco’s when the old dear in front of me who'd just paid for her shopping had 

a huge heart attack and died....bit ironic really seeing as she'd just bought a bag for life! 

I’ve decided to give up my job at the helium balloon factory......I didn’t like the way they were 

talking to me! 

Had my first gig as a stand-up comic last night; it was at an old folk’s home. Not sure they 

understood all the jokes but they all pissed themselves anyway!!! 

D. C. Turner says: 

My girlfriend was looking for work and 'phoned me saying she was a hostess. Imagine how i felt 

when after three days the police called to say my girlfriend was a hostage! This hearing aid just 

doesn't work. 

ELF-IS says: 

What’s brown and smelly and sounds like a bell?....dung! 


one blonde in Florida says to the other "which is further the moon or England"? 

other blonde replies "can you see England from here" 


This guy had a problem trying to enter an exclusive club. "Sorry Sir but you not wearing a tie" was 

the security mans excuse. So he went to his car and fashioned with much difficulty a pair of jump 

leads into a tie and returned to the door of the club. The security man winked at him and said " I 

will let you in tonight Sir, but you better not start anything". 

S. Carlson says: 

I never wanted to believe that my dad stole from his job as a lollipop man but when i got home 

but 

the signs were their 

Mik Singh says: 

A man goes to his GP and says "When i touch my legs, i feel pain and when i touch my head, i feel 

pain and when i touch my stomach, i still feel pain. What is wrong with me?"

The GP replied "Your hand is broken!!!" 

Grandad Peter says: 

Just saw an AA man looking depressed . I said to my mate looks like He's heading for a breakdown 


Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, returns home from a hard day ringing the Cathedral 

bells and finds his wife standing in the kitchen with a wok. 

" Fantastic " he says, " Is it Chinese tonight, Esmeralda ?" "Oh no" she says, " I am just ironing 

your shirt." 

Jardov says: 

A wig and a poo walk into a pub and ask the barman for a drink 

"I'm not serving you" said the barman to the wig 

"why not?" "Because you're off your head and he's steaming" 

Evan Ritchie says: 

Man with very sore feet says. " I think I've got sciatica" Why? says his friend "Well I've got on a 

pair of size 6 shoes & seeItaka size 9. 

Why did the mushroom go to the party???? Because he was a FUNGI (fun-guy)...... sorry 


Man was pulling a long piece of string up the street. A policeman taps him on the shoulder & says 

"Why you pulling that string". 

Man says "Ever tried pushing it" 

A new start Irishman was working on top of a new 25 story building. The hooter blew at knocking 

off time & he just steps off the top story & lands splosh on the ground. As they were pouring him 

into a stretcher... the foreman asks 

"What on earth did you do that for man" Irishman whispers 

"You told me you flew in Wellingtons during the war" 

toymotor says: 

This bloke walks in to the doctor’s office with Clingfilm Y-fronts on the doctor looks and says "quite 

clearly I can see your nuts" 

DaveL says: 

Newsflash! I just heard that four MP's were found drowned in the river Thames this morning. 

What's going on? 

I don't know, but it's a good start! 

DaveL says: 

A bus stops to pick up a man with three heads, no arms and only one leg. 

The bus conductor says: "''Allo, 'allo, 'allo, you look 'armless, hop on!" 

Chris says: 

I hear the Tottenham have just signed a new striker - 

Grabatelli

Chris says: 

I have also heard that Everton fans were urging the FA to postpone this weekend football match 

against Tottenham because of the riots - they fear that all the good stuff has already been looted. 

Chris says: 

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £2000 and feels really good about the 

result. On his way home he stops at a newsagent and buys a paper and says to the person behind 

the counter, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" 

"About 34," was the reply. 

"I'm actually 46," says the man happily. 

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the person serving him the same 

question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?" 

"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself. 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. 

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure 

way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten 

minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." 

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his 

pants. 

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46" 

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" 

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's". 


It was a warm spring day. A man entered the gates of a cemetery. He was bringing flowers to the 

grave of his recently deceased mother. As he walked along one of the pathways, he passed three 

gravediggers carrying a coffin. 

His heart beat quickly, as he place the flowers on the grave, but he was somewhat distracted by 

the loud chatter from the gravediggers, who were now on the other side of the graveyard. 

They were still carrying the coffin. He stayed there by his mother’s grave for a while, said a few 

prayers and had some lovely memories of her. 

After an hour he decided to leave. He was somewhat amused by the sight of the gravediggers, 

who were still carrying the coffin and he thought to himself, those guys have really lost the plot. 

Royboy says: 

Recipe for a perfect Cuppa...... 

All the experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. 

So now every morning I shout, "Two sugars, fat arse!!!!" 

art man 1967 says: 

Q:-Have your heard about the woman who only made love sat on top here cooker while eating 

biscuits. 

A:- She prefered hobnobs !!! 


This guy liked the idea of doing a Parachute jump so he went on a crash course on how to 

Parachute from an aircraft. The instructor explained to him, how the equipment worked and the 

fact that he had two Parachutes a main and an auxiliary. Both had a ripcord. If the ripcord failed 

on the main Parachute and it did not open when he jumped, he also had a similar device on the 

auxiliary chute which he could use. So there he was in the aircraft with all the information he

needed, when he decided to ask the instructor one final question. 

"Tell me please, when I leave this aircraft, how much time should I allow before I pull the ripcord' ! 

The instructor replies," when you jump, just shout the name of some Native Americian Red Indian 

Chief, someone like Geronimo "! The instructor opened the door of the aircraft and the guy 

jumped. The door was closed and seconds later there was a large knocking sound to be heard. The 

instructor reopened the door to investigate. There's the parachute jumper flapping his arms up 

and down like a rabid raven in the air and he screams , "Whats the name of that bloody Indian 

again" ! 

Niall McCormick says: 

I am not the biological father of my son, he was a "grudge" baby. 

Someone had it in for me! 

chineapplepunk says: 

What's brown and sticky? A stick 

Man walks into a shop and says " Can I have a Kit Kat chunky?" 

Woman gives him a Kit Kat chunky. 

Man says “I said a Kit Kat you fat cow " 

Mr. Sj Jackson says: 

A man goes to the doctor with a serious migraine he has had for 10 years the doctor says the only 

thing that will help him is a vasectomy. The man reluctantly agrees as he is so desperate to be 

free of headaches. Afterwards his headaches go and he goes out to celebrate, he goes out to buy a 

new suit and the tailor looks at him and says 34" waist 40" jacket the man is impressed he did this 

at a glance and says get me 32" underpants the tailor says don’t wear small underpants they 

shove your balls up your spine and give you a headache 


We Irish love to tell jokes about ourselves.... 

A woman goes into a meat shop to purchase a chicken. She tells the man behind the counter that 

she wants an Irish organic Chicken. So he throws up a chicken on the counter. She puts her finger 

into its rear end and then proceeds to put it into her mouth. 'Thats not, an Irish Organic Chicken', 

she says , 'that chicken is from Brazil' ! So the man gives her another chicken. Once again she 

carries out the same procedure, and she tells him that the chicken is French. 

Countless numbers of chickens later, the man, he is quite annoyed with her at this stage, goes to 

the back of the shop and brings out this enormous chicken. She does the same thing again, finger 

in the rear and into the mouth, now at last ,she declares with delight , 'thats an Irish Organic 

Chicken' ! 

'By the way, your a new member of staff here', declares the woman, 'I have not seen you before, 

where are you from'? The man at once lowers his pants, points his rear end in her direction and 

says, 'your the expert, you find out' ! 

M. GILES says: 

What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry? 

A gooseberry is green! 

Dying husband asks his wife : Our 4th son always looked different from the other 3, Did he have a 

different father ? 

Wife (crying): Yes. 

Husband : Who ?

Wife: You 

Rw Williams says: 

HI! This is my joke, one of many - 

A postman meets a boy outside the house where he has to deliver mail. Inside the gate, looking at 

him with interest, is an enormous dog. "Does your dog bite?" he asks the lad "No." replies the boy. 

On opening the gate, the dog takes a bite at the postman, who runs back into the street and 

remonstrates with the boy, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" 

"He's not my dog," says the boy, "I don't live there." 


Mr.Fue worked in one of the most popular Chinese Takeaways in the district and he greeted all the 

customers in the usual manner, 'Wha u wann' ! 

One night a customer ordered Fish & Chips. 

'Ssso u wann Fssssh & Chiiiips' ! Mr. Fue said. 

The customer said "yes'. 

Moments later Mr. Fue reappeared with the most delicious Fish & Chips you have ever seen. 

'U wann Salt' ! Mr. Fue asked. 

The customer nodded his head. 

Mr. Fue put his hand into the left pocket of his trousers and pulled out the lining. He then shook 

the Salt he had there over the food. 

Mr. Fue then asked, 

'U lik Pepper'. 

The customer said 'Yes' ! 

Once again as before, Mr. Fue put his hand into the right pocket of his trousers , pulled out the 

pocket lining and sprinkled the Pepper he had there, over the steaming hot food. 

The customer then said laughingly, "Mr. Fue, it’s just as well I did not ask you for Vinegar’! 

Loretta McCourt says: 

Obama got a call from Washington to say the condom factory blew up. so he decided to order 

some from Mexico. and the guy on the phone said oh no no. we would be a laughing stock. Obama 

said what about Ireland. he said if he ordered millions of boxes it would stop unwanted babies. and 

that if he ordered them 9" in length and 3/2" in with that Ireland would continue to respect 

America. AO SURE AS GO THE CONDOMS ARRIVED FROM GOOD OLD IRELAND. GREEN IN 

COLOUR AND 9" LONG AND 3. 1/2" WIDE. OBAMA WAS DELIGHTED THAT IRELAND WOULD 

RESPECT HIM AND THE AMERICIANS. THEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PACKAGE WRITTEN MADE IN 

IRELAND SIZE SMALL. 

Mr. C. D. Moore says: 

Young child says to his dad 'i want to go to the 50 cent concert next week' dad says 'here’s a 

dollar, take your sister' 

In response to what Loretta Mc Court wrote earlier : 

When I look to America and the millions of Americians who are desendants of Irish who went there 

since its foundation. Ireland might be a small country but it certainly packs a big punch. Just look 

at the likes of U2 from Dublin who are probaly one of the biggest bands in the world. Look at the 

number of successful Irish actors in Hollywood at the moment. There are many more examples for 

instance tell me what major city in the World does not have an Irish Pub. Ireland has gone through 

considerable changes in the last thirty years for the better. We are a nation of people that can 

laugh at ourselves. Just take a look at the amount of Irish Jokes that are written on this site alone. 

I will conclude by telling you that condoms are available there in all shapes, sizes and colours to. 

Now I wonder how they made that mistake with President Obama's order, that you describe. 

Mary says: 

an old man goes to his doctor, says I think I am deaf, so DR> tells him You need a hearing 

aid, so he gets a hearing aid, So doc says can you hear now Oh Yes says the man,

DOC. bet your family are delighted, I haven't told them he says, and I have changed my will 3 

times. 


A mother decides to cook the family a special treat of deer meat for dinner, she tells her husband 

to see if the kids can guess what it is. 

The family sit down to dinner and the husband says "kids we have a special treat today, I won't 

tell you what the meat is your mother has cooked but I will give you a clue and say its what your 

mother calls me" 

The son jumps back in horror and shouts to his sister "Don't eat it, its a knob". 

B says: 

My Irish friend was at the riots in London this week, he looted Argos, so if anyone wants a 

catalogue he has 500! 


Did you know that it was an Englishman who invented the toilet seat, but it was an Irishman who 

put a hole in it. 

B says: 

Man walks into a bar and asks for 3 double whiskeys in the same glass; after giving the customer 

a quizzical look the barkeep goes on to fulfil his order. 

The customer swallows the whole lot in one then looks ruefully at the barkeep and says 'I 

shouldn't have done that with what I have got' 

"what have you got" asks the barkeep in a slightly worried look. 

'No MONEY' says the customer. 


(1) Guy rings Domino’s Pizza: 'Hello Domino’s Pizza' ! 

Pizza man answers, 'Yes this is Domino’s Pizza' 

Guy says: 'Do you do takeaway’? 

Pizza man says, 'We do' 

Guy says: 'Well what is 12 minus 9'? 

(2) Another Guy.. "Hello Domino’s Pizza, do you do liver’? 

Pizza man says, 'Yes we Deliver' 

Guy says,’ then I would like to order a Pizza’? 

Pizza man asks. “What do you want on your pizza’? 

'Liver and pineapple' replies the guy. 

Pizza man says, 'but we don’t do liver! 

Guy says.. "But you said that you do" 


Man walks into a bar & orders a pint & a pie, drinks up his pint puts the pie on his head & walks 

out. Next day & for the next 5 days he does the same. Drinks his pint puts the pie on his head & 

walks out. On he seventh day he goes into the bar orders a pint & a pie. We have no pies says the 

barman. Then give me a pint & a bag of crisps says the man. He drinks his pint puts the crisps on

his head & goes to walk out. Hey! says the barman why you putting that bag of crisps on your 

head. Well you have no pies replies the man 


A Scotsman, Englishman & Irishman are working on a multistory building site. At lunchtime they 

sat eating their sandwiches out of their lunchboxes. All were moaning, I am fed up says the 

Scotsman, my wife makes the same egg sandwiches for me every day for months, if I get the 

same junk tomorrow I'm going to jump off the 20th floor & do a suicide. I will join you said the 

Englishman, my wife has given me this chicken filling for years, I going to jump too. The Irishman 

said your both quite right I will join you, I'm am going to jump too, I've had the same roast beef 

filling in my grub for years now. 

Come the next day they all had the same filling so they all jumped off the 20th floor & all were 

pronounced dead. At the inquest the sobbing Scotsman's wife & distraught Englishman's wife were 

both sobbing & crying, saying I thought they loved the sandwich fillings I gave them, but would 

have easily changed the filling for anything they wanted & they would not have jumped & got 

killed. 

Well said the weeping Irishman's wife, I just don't know what I could have done, PADDY MADE HIS 

OWN SANDWICHES 

Ms. Barbara Nally says: 

Did ya hear about the Irish wood worm? He was found dead in a brick. 


Paddy joined the parachute brigade to learn to be a parachutist. The instructor said when you 

jump out of the plane you shout Geronomo, count up to 10, put your hand under your left arm & 

pull the rip-cord & down you'll float. What if the shute does not open, asks Paddy. Then you put 

your hand under your right arm, shout Geronomo & pull the emergency cord, the other shute will 

open & down you will float, replied the instructor. What if it don't open asks Paddy. Well laughed 

the instructor....you just flap your arms fast like a bird was the reply & hope for the best. 

They are all up in the plane at 10,000 ft every other soldier had jumped, Paddy jumped last & the 

big instructor closed the big plane door & was lighting his cigar when there was loud banging & 

bashing on the plane door. The big instructor threw the door open in panic. Flying alongside was 

Paddy flapping his arms like mad. 

Hey man! tell me, whats that "effing" red Indians name again??? shouts Paddy 

Mary says: 

THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN A GOOD 'BELLY LAUGH'in the morning 


Paddy gets a new job as a labourer on a building site. 

"Your first job Paddy is to take this barrow & move that big heap of rubble here into that big hole 

over there" instructs the foreman. 

Paddy gets the barrow & is working moving the rubble for half an hour. He goes over to the 

foreman's office & asks for an oil can. "What do you want an oil can for" asks the foreman. 

"My barrow is going, squeak.................squeak....................squeak" replies Paddy. 

"You're fired" snaps the foreman, "Eh! Why?" asks Paddy, mouth open. 

"Your barrow should be going, squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeaksqueak" 

replies the foreman 


Paddy is flying to the USA, his very first flight on a Jumbo jet. An hour into the flight the pilot 

speaks on the intercom. "Our outer starboard engine has failed & I'm sorry we will be 45 minutes 

late landing in New York. Barely an hour later the pilot announcement again saying "Our outer port 

engine has failed & now we will be 2 hours late arriving, sorry" 

Not long afterwards, the pilot’s had third trembling announcement stated. "Sorry folks our inner 

port engine has stopped we will now be at least 3 hours late, very sorry" 

"Oh hell" muttered Paddy, "If that last engine stops, we will be up here all night"


A man was seriously ill and his wife takes him to the doctor and the doctor pulls the wife to one 

side and says:- 

"Your husband has very high blood pressure. give him a healthy breakfast every day, be pleasant 

and always in a good mood, don't discuss your problems with him, try not to watch anything like 

soaps that may leave him tense, don’t demand new clothes or jewellery and try to stay with him at 

all times. Do this for about 1 year and he will be ok". 

On the way home. 

Husband: - "what did the doc say?" 

Wife: - "Sorry love, you have no chance to survive" 

Mr. A. S. Marlow says: 

Three men walk into a bar ... the bar falls over 


Back in Dublin, Republica Irlanda, this head, the type of guy you come across in any major city in 

Europe, with four brain cells goes into a library. He approaches the enquiries desk where a female 

librarian is sitting. She asks him if he has ever read Shakespeare, he says no ! 'Have you read 

Milton, Keats or Yeats'? she asks. She once again gets a negative answer. 'Have you read 

anything’? He replies, I have got RED hair around my Balls. 

C. A. Bearfield says: 

The groom at a wedding notices that there is a little fella who he doesn't know but he's a wiz at 

playing the piano. He's only small but he seems to know every piece of music that ever was. Then 

he vaguely remembers the night before on the way home from the Reefers and Hemp Club that 

they helped a little old lady across the road. 

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, a peel of thunder, and a puff of smoke and the little old lady 

became a fairy godmother. She was so impressed by their kindness that she offered the groom 

anything he wanted for his wedding. She was a bit deaf and thought that he'd said "a 12 inch 

pianist". 

The groom at a wedding notices that there is a little fella who he doesn't know but he's a wiz at 

playing the piano. He's only small but he seems to know every piece of music that ever was. Then 

he vaguely remembers the night before on the way home from the Reefers and Hemp Club that 

they helped a little old lady across the road. 

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, a peel of thunder, and a puff of smoke and the little old lady 

became a fairy godmother. She was so impressed by their kindness that she offered the groom 

anything he wanted for his wedding. She was a bit deaf and thought that he'd said "a 12 inch 

pianist". 

D Davies says: 

Adele has been diagnosed with a deadly flesh-eating disease. 

Doctors say she only has 68 years to live 


For lovers of the English language here's a great example of alliteration, try reading it fast it 

sounds better. 

Two British Archaeologists working in the Desert discover this object. "Tell me George" says one 

'What do you think this object is" "I think" says George, 'that this object is of the Petrified Penis of 

a Peruvian Prince', 'No your wrong', said the other, 'how could it be, I consider it to be, the 

Crystallised crap of a Caucasian Cat" 

They could not agree on what it was so they then decided to send it to London for analysis and this

was the report that they got. 

Sirs, with reference to your recent Archaeological Expedition we wish to state that the object 

found, is not the Petrified Penis of a Peruvian Prince nor the Crystallised Crap of a Caucasian Cat, 

but it is of the Crystallised Crap of a Caucasian Cat that Crept into a Cryptical Crypt, Crapped and 

Crept out again. 

silverfox1 says: 

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked snow white and the seven dwafves. 

An Irish man was moaning about how much drive- thru McDonalds cost. I said "I thought it was 

quite reasonable when I went" He said "What car did you hire then" 

How do the make chess interesting? STOP playing chess!! 

R. A. Ellis says: 

What do you call a ginger prostitute? Orange pay as you go! 


CITY COUNCILS.....In this small town in Ireland a large hole or crater appeared in the road. Many 

cars are accidently driven into this large hole on a daily basis and as a result many people are 

injured. At a council meeting to discuss the problem one councillor suggested because the 

Ambulance service is called out on a regular basis that they place an emergency phone beside the 

hole. Another suggested that an ambulance be placed beside the hole permanently. 

A decision was reached in the end , they just moved the hole up beside the hospital. 

S. O'Tighearnaigh says: 

Mick says to Paddy "How ye?". Oh banjaxed said Paddy "Twas the worse week in me life - I had all 

me teeth taken out". Well said Mick "Dat musht have been fierce painful?" Twas said Paddy and 

added "I'll never go through dat again". 

I. R. Sharp says: 

How many elephants can you get in a mini...two in the front two in the back! 


Here's another elephant one for your collection. 

How would you know that there was an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter. 


Paddy and Mick are working in the park, Paddy is digging a hole and Mick is then filling it in, a 

passer-by watches them do this for about half an hour before his curiosity gets the better of him, 

he goes over to Paddy and says "What are you two doing?" Paddy replies "There is usually 3 of us, 

but the guy who plants the trees has called in sick today". 

Mr. David T. Johnson says: 

Two olives on a table ... one rolls off the other one yells down ' are you ok' he replies olive 

JULIE OREILLY says: 

Why did the chicken kill itself? 

To get to the other side! 

M. T. Frost says: 

Superman and Spiderman arrange to meet in the local pub for a drink. 

superman arrives - no Spiderman

has a few drinks - 2 hours later Spiderman finally arrives out of breath saying 'sorry I’m late - 

couldn't get out of the bath' 

qashqai 57 says: 

An ice-cream seller was found dead in his van, he was covered in hundreds and thousands. The 

police said he had topped himself. Top that one. 


It was a cold winter night. A couple are snuggled up in bed far from the winter chills. A convict on 

the run breaks in their house and the husband and wife are tied up on the bed. 

The convict jumps up on top of the wife, kisses her left ear, then runs to the bathroom. The 

husband whispers to his wife "Satisfy him, or he'll kill us. I saw the way he kissed you, just be 

Strong, I love you!" The wife replies "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear saying he's gay, 

horny and looking for vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. Lets see who's strong now'!!!!! 

S. Shah says: 

What part of the car causes the most accidents? 

The nut that holds the wheel. 

c jones says: 

just think about the Siamese twins attached at the shoulders. the straight one found out his 

brother was gay and he was going out on a date that night. The thing is they only have one 

bottom! 

Mr. Robert Fletcher says: 

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there 

was a dog. 

Steelshox says: 

What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies..... 

Ray T says: 

My son just got a job as a Concrete Salesman. . 

Great news. . he should be set for life !! 


There are 3 Red Indian Squaws sitting on 3 animal Hides. Their bottoms or if you want to use the 

expression asses, cover the complete circumferences of the hides. 

The first Squaw is sitting on a Cow Hide, 

The second Squaw is sitting on a Rhino Hide. 

The third Squaw is sitting on a Hippo Hide. 

Judging by the size of the animals which Squaw is the largest in size ? 

The Answer is, the one on the Hippo Hide because.... 

The Squaw on the Hippopotamus ( Hypothesis ) is equal to the sum of the Squaws on the other 

two Hides. 

This joke is based on the old maths Pythagoras Theory ; 

The square on the Hypothesis is equal to the sum of the square on the other two sides. 

woman have many faults , men have only two, everything they say and all they do....

RLS says: 

A white horse goes into a bar, the barman says we've got a whisky named after you, horse says 

what Dobbin! 


The Irish government had decided to change from driving on the left hand side of the road to 

driving on the right hand side to be same as main land Europe. To be sure it worked properly they 

decided on a test period. For the first three months trial period, only buses, lorries & HGV's were 

the only vehicles allowed to drive on the right. 

ps3freAk says: 

I went out yesterday to get some tablets for my dishwasher. She had a sore head and wanted 

some paracetamol. 


A woman goes to a Fortune Teller. She enters a dark eerie room only to see an mystic woman 

looking into a crystal ball.’ There is no other way of putting this, she says, but prepare yourself to 

be a widow, your husband will die a violent, bloody death this year ' Visibly shaken, the woman 

stares into her face. She then takes a few deep breaths, composes herself, steadies her voice and 

asks: "Will I be found guilty "? 


A middle aged lady goes to her GP for a health check-up. When she got home her husband asked 

her how her check-up went. 

"Well!" she said "The doctor was delighted. He said my skin had the glow & texture of an eighteen 

year old girl, he said I had the good health & poise of a 23 year old & the figure & bearing of a 27 

year old". "Oh yeah" snorted her husband. 

"What did he say about your BIG 47 year old BUM" 

"He never mentioned you at all" was her reply 

Rodney Wallis Hodges says: 

Blind man walks into ASDA swinging his dog around his head on the end of the leash, Manager 

walks up in horror and says what are you doing Sir, I am having a look around says the blind 

man!! 


This young man arrives at the gates of heaven only to be told that there was an error made and 

that he had not died. St. Peter said to him "We will have to send you back to earth as you are and 

compensate you for the mistake'. " When you arrive back on earth the first woman you meet, ask 

her to open her mouth, count her teeth and that is the number of times that you can make love to 

her". So the man woke up on a beach and the first woman that he met was 92 years of age. He 

proceeded to count her teeth. She only had two, so that was the number of times that he made 

love to her. The only problem was that she enjoyed it so much, that when he was about to leave 

she put her finger into the back of her mouth and said in a squeeky voice “I have another one 

back here” 


It was a warm summer day. A man and his wife entered the Ape enclosure of Dublin City Zoo. 

They were greeted by an aroma, not of hot coffee but that smell that you can only get in a zoo 

enclosure of that type. But they did not mind, they were here to view apes. He was wearing 

shorts, t-shirt and shades. She was wearing a short cool pink dress. She was (DDG) drop dead 

gorgeous and to top things off, she had beautiful legs to go with the dress. 

As they walked through the enclosure, the man noticed, how this large male Gorilla was reacting 

to his wife. He was jumping up and down pounding his chest , crazy at the sight of the woman in 

the pink dress. The man suggested to his wife, that she should tease the Gorilla a little, by 

wriggling her bum at him. The Gorilla was at this stage making noises that would wake the dead. 

The husband suggested that she should tease him even more, so she started performing moves,

that you would only see on a Pole Dancing Pole. 

This was the last straw for the Gorilla, because it caused him to go so mental, that he started to 

do flips. The husband then grabbed his wife, pulled open the cage door, pushed her in, next to the 

Gorilla. 

He then slammed the cage door shut and said to her, 

'Now tell him, you have a Headache' ! 


I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and the potatoes, so I asked the kids, apparently 

she left me yesterday! 

Paddy and Mick went to the job centre and Paddy says "look Mick a job for tree fellers", Mick 

replies "Yeah, pity there is only two of us". 

Paul Wain says: 

Two cows in a field one says "Moo" the other one says "I Was just going to say that!" 

Mr. G Stewart says: 

Whats E T short for ? ...... Cos he's only got little legs 


A man walks into a pub, steps in a pile of dog poo and goes flying. Other man helps him up saying 

i just did that, fallen man replies, you dirty devil. 

My mate was so small he had turn ups in his under pants. 


The Nineteenth Hole.......... 

George is ninety years old. He loves playing Golf. One day he informs his wife, that he is giving up 

the sport. She asks him why and he tells her, that when he hits the ball, his eyesight has become 

so bad, that he cannot see where it went. 

So she says, 'Why dont you take your brother with you he has perfect eyesight '! 

George replies, 'but he is over a hundred years of age, okay just to keep you happy, I will give him 

a call'. 

So the next day he teams up with his brother on the Golf Course. 

He tees off with his usual big swing, squints down the fairway and says to his brother, 'Did you see 

where the ball went' ! 

'Of course I did, I am the one with the perfect eyesight '! replies his brother'. 

'Where did it go" ! asks George. His brother says, 'I don’t remember' ! 

J. Donaghue says: 

My mum was a manokleptic? She used to walk into shops backwards and leave stuff on the 

counters. 

Oona C. Eaton says: 

Crime on multi storey car parks....it's wrong on all levels. 

a very drunk man staggered into a catholic church and into the confessional box. The priest said 

"I'm sorry my son you are too drunk for me to hear your confession. Go away and when you've 

found the Lord come back." The man staggered out and fell into the canal where he paddled 

towards home. The priest was also walking home along the towpath. He spotted the man and 

called out "have you found the Lord yet?" and the man replied "not yet Father." Both continued 

walking. A bit later the Priest called out "have you found the Lord yet my son?" And the man again 

called out "Not yet Father." Both continued walking. Later still the priest called out "Have you 

found the Lord yet?" and the man said "not yet Father. Are you sure He fell in here?"


Mans car broke down by field, up bonnet, horse wondered over and said, its your fan belt mate. 

horse ambled off. farmer came over to offer help. man said your horse can talk, he just told me it 

was my fan belt. Farmer said take no notice of him he knows nought about cars. 


A 2 seater plane crashed in a cemetery in Ireland; so far 114 bodies have been recovered as 

digging continues....... 

Neta says: 

Why do vampires drink blood? Because root beer tickles their noses! 


A husband and wife had such a serious row that as a result they were giving each other the silent 

treatment. In other words there was visual but no audio. Suddenly, the man realized that the next 

day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning flight. 

He decided that it was not him that was going to break the silence so he wrote on a piece of 

paper. 'Please wake me at 5:00 am I have a flight to catch' and he left it on the kitchen table 

where she would see it. Next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he 

had missed his flight. He was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he 

noticed a piece of paper by the bedside. 

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

C Caynes says: 

Two nuns in a dark room, one says to the other "Where’s the candle" the other replies "yes it 

does" 

Mrs. S. E. Kindon says: 

Little boy was lost in a Mall he found a security guard and told him that he had lost his grandpa 

the security guard asked "what's your grandpa like" little boy replied "Gin 

Mr. I. Ahmad says: 

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? 

THREE - a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier 

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he 

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks 

are too high." 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you 

can't, I've cut your arms off". 

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him 

in. 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the 

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your 

kayak and heat it too. 


A man walks in to garage holding fuel can, asks attendant, can of BP?, attendant replies, I didn't 

know can a wasp fart?

A. Faith says: 

I woke up in a cold sweat the other night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing over me. First 

I was afraid.....then I was petrified..... 


A guy walked into a hotel and he was looking for a suite with a view, 

so they gave him a polo mint. 


Drugs raid on local pub, everybody told to stay where they are. Man busting for pee goes in empty 

beer can, he's later arrested for being in possession of can of piss. 


Polo: The mint with the less fattening centre. 


What is a Thumb Tack (Drawing Pin ) ? 

It's a Smartie with an erection. 

CookieCat says: 

Penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Has my brother been in?" Barman says, 

"What’s he look like?" 

Mr. D. Hanson says: 

an old man goes to see a wizard to see if he can lift a 40 year curse that had been placed upon 

him. 

the wizard said i may be able to help you old man but first, in order to lift the curse i need the 

exact words of the evil that cursed you in the first place. 

Without hesitation the old man said" I now pronounce you man and wife"! 

M. J. Hampton says: 

The lady in blue is dancing with me 

M. Crockford says: 

I got so drunk last night! I woke up next to this huge sweaty, farting, snoring woman......Thank 

God I thought....I made it home! 

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? 

He worked it out with a pencil and ruler............ 


A large hole appeared in our road, two policemen standing by, i asked what are you going to do 

about it?. One replied we are looking into it sir. 

An egg rolling down the road, bumped in to kerb, luckily it was near a shell garage. 

I used to keep mountain goats, Until I got caught. 

I used to keep racing pigeons, but they always beat me. 

Mike Douglas says:

Which Bees produce milk? 

Boobees :) 

Charmaine Dale says: 

A man walks into the bedroom to find his wife in with someone else. Who's he? the husband 

demands angrily. that's a fair question, his wife replies to her lover, What is your name? 


A man was pulled over by the police because his drivng was all over the place, The policeman 

looks into the car and can smell alcohol then says to the driver "How much have you been drinking 

sir because you were swerving all over the road" the man replies "I haven't been drinking good sir, 

you will find I was just trying to avoid all those trees in the middle of the road, they are 

everywhere, can't you see them" the policeman looked up the road then looked back into the car 

and said "Sir, that is the air freshner hanging on your rear view mirror". 


Questions and Answers ! 

'Dad, What is the difference between theoretically and realistically' the son asks his father. 'Thats a 

difficult one the father says, but lets see, go and ask your mother would she sleep with David 

Beckam for a million euro". The son returns with a positive reply. Now ask your sister the same 

question and once again the answer was positive. Dad then asked him, to ask his brother and his 

brother said 'Yes' ! 

'There's your answer' ! dad says , 'Theoretically we are sitting on three million euro, 

but realistically we are living with two slappers and a closet gay'. 

. 


Permalink | Report abuse 

6 of 6 people think this post adds to the discussion. Do you? 

Posted on 8 Sep 2011 10:54:47 BDT 

oracle says: 

Q: What type of cheese can you use to entice a grizzly out of its cave. 

A: Camembert 




Posted on 10 Sep 2011 01:27:48 BDT 

oracle says: 

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, 

I'll draw a sketch of thee, 

What kind of pencil shall I use? 

2B or not 2B? 


Two ladies are going home from a night out and are very drunk, they are walking past a cemetary 

and both need a wee, so they decide to have a quick wee behind the gravestones whilst no one is 

about. 

The next day, their two husbands meet up at the shop both looking annoyed and one says to the 

other "I am angry with my wife, I am sure she is having an affair, she got in last night and her 

knickers were ripped", the other one replies "That's nothing, when I got up this morning I noticed 

a card stuck to my wife's bum and it read - From all the lads at the fire station, we will never 

forget you"

Tell None says: 

Modern name for a Red Squirrel 

Squashed - nuts 

Tell None says: 

What do you call a Mason who's lost his Ma 

Sonny 


Hiyme won lottery, wife says what about begging letters, Hiyme,keep on sending them. 


Two men caught in phone box trying to ring each other. 

Mr. R. Morrow says: 

a skeleton goes into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a mop 


A woman falls asleep outside a synagogue,awakes in morning with a heavy dew on her. 

Stephen M. Roinson says: 

Solicitor says to Mickey mouse, I dont think you can devorce Mrs Mouse just because she's uggly! 

Mickey replys, I never said she's uggly, I said she's Fu**ing Goofy!! 

Example : Mark. says: 

There are two nuns riding bicycles down a street. One turns to the other and says "I've never 

come this way before". The other says "Neither have I, it must be the cobbles". 

Mark Ravonsheed says: 

This is called a confusion within a confusion. 

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. 

The Indian said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so 

called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I 

don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot 

of family problems.' 

The American said, 'Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom 

I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my stepdaughter 

and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's fatherin-law. 

Legally, now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grand-mother. 

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my fathers' brother and so he is my uncle. 

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. 

Now my fathers' son, who is also my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own 

grandfather and I am my own grandson. 

And, you say you have family problems!' 

The Indian fainted.

Mr. Graham Ferrier says: 

A guy phones for some Viagra - and they ask him "would you like tablet form or The New Liquid 

form?" 

He obviously goes for the latter but the Post gets it wrong and deliver some Tippex. 

He took it.......but only got a Correction... 

Why did they all sit the same side of the table at the last supper? 

Nobody wanted to be left out of the photograph. 


Husband i feel chesty, wife if you don't pack it in you'll feel my fisty. 

moynecourt says: 

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... 

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. 

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes 

washed and put away. 

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes 

and the cooking. 

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he 

saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from England . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes 

washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. 

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by 

the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and 

his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still 

has some difficulty when he pees. 


In reply to Moynecourt ' That's a good one, a bit of quality, nice to see the third girl was from 

England and not from Ireland as they usually are. Slainte which in Irish means 'Good Health' 


Man of the House..... 

The Husband had just finished reading a book titled 'Man of the House' when he stormed into the 

kitchen, stuck his finger into his wife's face and said, 

'From now on I am the MAN of the house, my word is law'. 'You will prepare a Gourmet meal for 

me tonight and every night. "Then you will run a hot bath' and when I have finished my bath, I 

insist, you will satisfy the desires of my manhood between the sheets". 

'Then in the morning, guess who's going to wash & dress me"? 

She replied" The Undertaker 

AJ says: 

Paddy bought a pool Table from Amazon, but he sent it back a few days later, The water kept 

coming up through the pockets. 

Mr. Patrick J. Daly says: 

What Mr Camron is doing to the working people of this country 

is no joke. 

Paulmx says: 

I used to have a Racing Snail which was pretty quick, so I thought I'd take his shell off to make 

him faster...... Instead, it only made him sluggish! ;-) 

Kenny says:

Irish SAS have been sent to Lybia with strct instructions to take out Gaddafi. So far they've been 

to the cinema twice & tonite they're going bowling......... ha ha 

paulbradley says: 

what happened to the Irish man when he was ironing his curtains? 

He fell out the window 

Izzyyyy says: 

The only good thing Kurt Cobaine ever released was the safety. 

j Galbraith says: 

2 lions walking down princess street on a sunny saturday one says to the other "its funny i thought 

it would be busier" 





Paddy was doing his ironing, phone rang paddy scorched his ear. 

Wee Man says: 

Drove to the pub,just for a quick one but ended up there till closing time. 

To be safe i took a bus home rather than risk it. 

''Never driven a bus before'' 

Jag.......... 


Nuns dormitory,9,0 clock lights out, 10,0 clock candles out. 


I am sure you will admit that it was a great performance by Ireland today against the Aussies. The 

match build up on FOX News Australia was something else. The rivalry between the Aussies and 

the Kiwis is still very much alive. One Australian commentator said that the band on the pitch was 

from the NAVY. The other said "It is the NAVY'. 

The Aussies are the ones to experience that sinking feeling tonight, excuse the pun. We Irish must 

continue to make waves in the Rugby World Cup. 

Michael Williams says: 

I think dentists are really miserable; they always look down in the mouth 

Last night i dreamt i was reading Lord of the Rings out loud 

I told the wife at breakfast, she said "you must have been 

Tolkien in your sleep" 

Golf is an addiction...... 

Golf ; Did you know that a Golfers biggest handicap are the Clubs?..... 

Two Golfers were about to play the 18th hole, when a funeral cortage appeared on the road, that 

ran parallel. As the hearse and coffin passed by, one of the golfers placed his hat on his chest. The 

other Golfer remarked, 'I never seen you do anything like that before and he replied.. 'Its not 

everyday that your wife gets buried'. 


Michael O'Kane says:

If women are so good at multitasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same 

time....? 

RBL says: 

this bloke goes into a pub and asks the barman, can i have a drink before the trouble starts, 

barman says what trouble , well i havent got any money. 

A. R. Craig says: 

man walking along the river bank trying to find a cool place to sit down he comes accross this 

fellow sitting on the river side going through the motions of fishing after being invited to sit down 

and join in he finds it very relaxing and asks what are we fishing for fannys the man replied and 

have you caught many today, you’re the fifth 

M. D. Brittain says: 

Two drunken Irish men fall out the pub and realise they've missed the last Bus home.Passing the 

local Bus garage that's closed and in darkness Mick says to Paddy,go in their and nick us a 

Bus,we'll drive our selves home. 

Paddy breaks in and 10 minutes later drives a Bus out from the back of the building.That's no good 

Paddy shouts Mick over the roar of the engine,that's no good ya fool it's a number 27 we need a 

number 14 to get us home.A number 27 turns off about 2 miles from where we live ya idjit. 

Ah bejasus says Paddy stop ya moaning,we'll take this as far as it goes and walk the rest of the 

way! 

J. Nutbrown says: 

I thought my wife was the ugliest person in the world, until I met her sister. 


I was married by a judge, should have been a jury, 

Gatsby says: 

You've got this wrong - you mean the men's brains are cheaper because they are of lesser quality 

than the women's brains. 


A man walks into a bar and says to the barman call me a taxi, and the barman says, You’re a taxi. 


We Serve Everything...... 

Restaurant sign read "WE SERVE EVERYTHING" So a guy went in and ordered Donkeys Testicles 

&Chips. He was served the dish in 15 minutes. He then asked the waiter was there ever a time 

when they could not satisfy a customer with an order. Waiter said "Yes someone ordered nuns 

breast on toast recently ' Guy asked 'was it that you had no nuns breast in stock? "No' the waiter 

said " There was a bread strike at the time" 

Doug Moody says: 

I went to the mental hospital and I saw a fellow in a bed sitting up with a serious look on his face. 

I said "Who are You?" He said, Napoleon Bonaparte". "Who told you?," I asked. "God did", he 

replied. Then the fellow in the next bed said, "I did not". 

' 

' 

B. J. du Cille says: 

I was sitting opposite a beautiful Thai girl on a train. "Please don't get an erection, please don't get 

an erection!!" I thought - but she did!

C. Nelson says: 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Essex and he sees a sign in front of a broken down 

house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in 

the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

'You talk?' he asks. 

'Yep,' the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted 

to help the government, so I told MI5. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to 

country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be 

eavesdropping.' 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired 

me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job 

at Stansted airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and 

listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got 

married, had a mass of puppies, and now I'm just retired..' 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

'Ten quid,' the guy says. 

'Ten Pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. 

claret56 says: 

Why don't Mussels give to charity?.....Because they're Shellfish!!! 

claret56 says: 

my wife has just got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh........... if you put your ear too 

it,you can smell the ocean 

E. Goode says: 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets 

of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. 

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally 

and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. 

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he 

had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached 

him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. 

The bishop was incredulous. 

'You have no arms !' 

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !' 

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a

eautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in 

astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for 

Quasimodo. 

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless 

man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his 

death in the street below. 

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church 

steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the 

fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment 

before. 

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 

'Bishop, who was this man ?'. 

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 

' ................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL' 

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his 

heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the 

bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. 

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the 

brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this 

very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me 

to replace him in this duty.' 

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless 

man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, 

he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. 

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second 

tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly. 

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...' 

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..' 

Gatsby says: 

I have NO idea why I'm called "gatsby" whenever I post a reply. My name is Yvette. Where does 

the Gatsby come from, and how do I change it?

i had a rose named after me and i was very flattered,but i wasnot pleased to read the description 

in the catalogue;-' no good in a bed,but fine against a wall. 

Mrs. L. J. Pritchard says: 

the secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;and to have the two 

as close as possible. 


santa clause has the right idea.visit pepole only once a year. 


be careful about reading health books, you may die of a misprint 


by all means, marry, if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll 

become a philosopher. 


my wife has a slight impediment in her speech, every now and then she stops to breathe. 


New barber shop opened by me, the owners name is Herr Cutt,Have a feeling that he is not of this 

country? 

How Do You Defeat Hair Loss With A Permanent Solution? Super Glue To Pay 

madcracker1 says: 

Postman Pat......Postman Pat, 

Stole lots of letters and hid them in his flat. 

Stealing and de-frauding..........Plundering post all morning, 

Postman Pat's a very happy chap! 


Postman Pat, Postman Pat, 

Postman Pat was getting quite fat. 

Then they caught him robbin'. 

Made him pack his job in. 

Now he's not a happy chap, he's just a 'Pratt'. 


a doctor from isreal in isreal the medicine is so advanced that we cut out a mans kidney the we 

put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work 

the german doctor comments thats nothing in germany we take part off the brain out of 1 person 

and we put it into another person’s head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work 

a russian doctor says thats nothing either in russia we took out half of a heart from 1 person and 

we put it into another person’s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work 

the british doctor answers immediately thats nothing my colleagues you are way behind us in the 

UK ( about 1 year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains no heart and we made him prime 

minister now everyones out looking for work 

irvine joseph says:

Knock,Knock 

Come in the door is open !!!!!!!!!!!! 


Vertically challenged is the new description of a person whose short so excuse me if I use the word 

midget...... 

A guy lives on the 13th floor of an apartment block and everyday that he comes home from work 

he takes the lift to the 7th floor and walks the rest of the way. Question why does he do it? Is it 

for the excerise or is he just superstitious? The answer is that the guy is a midget and he cannot 

reach the 13th button on the Lift Panel. 

A Butterworth says: 

some jokes from my 5 yr old : 

why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?? it nobody to go with 

why did they beach blush ?? cos the sea weed 

A Butterworth says: 

why does actor Edward Woodward have 4 d's in name?? 

cos E war Woowar sounds silly! 


The wife asked what I was doing on the computer "I am just looking for cheap flights" I replied, 

she got all excited which was quite strange as I have never known her to show an interest in darts 

before. 

irvine joseph says: 

An Elephant trots into a Synagogue, sits down and joins in with the Congregation 

After the service the Rabbi walks down to where the Elephant is sitting and enquires 

" Tell Mr Elephant what makes you come into this house of prayer " 

The Elephant replies............. 

"With a nose like this, where else can I go " 

Roy Flitcroft says: 

I went to the Patent Office to register by idea for a folding beaker (I was going to call it a Feaker) 

but the man at the desk said he thought it was a stupid idea. So then I told him about my idea for 

a folding kettle - called a Fettle - but he didn't think that was any good either. I didn't bother 

telling him about my idea for a folding bucket. 

Nashila F Jaffer says: 

SHOPPING IN LONDON HAS BECOME SO DIFFICULT...VAT IS 20% + 

went to Boots they don't sell boots........ 

went to Selfridges they don't sell fridges........ 

went to Curry's they don't sell curry........... 

went to the Apple store they don't sell apples.......... 

Even at Blackberry they don't sell any kinda berries........ 

As for Virgin Megastore, what a huge disappointment !!!!!! 

I have not yet dared to go into this place but I wonder what they have to offer......

'BALLS BROTHERS' 


Man addicted to baked beans, ended up having a fart attack. 

J. Donaghue says: 

Granddad had a bad back and grandma rubbed LARD all over it. He slid down hill after that. 


An elderly patient went to the doctor, I need your help, doctor, Do you remember those voices in 

my head which I’ve been complaining for years? 

Yes' 

well they have suddenly gone 

That's good. So what's the problem? 

I think I might be going deaf 


A ninety one year old man went into a pharmacy and ask for Viagra tablets, which he wanted cut 

into quarters 

The pharmacist said sure, I can do that for you, you do realize that a quarter of a tablet won't give 

you a full erection: The old man replied, I'm ninety one, I’m too old for that game. I just want it to 

stick out enough so that I don't pee on my slippers, 

Mr. R. P. Cook says: 

If you had one green basketball sized ball in one hand, and another green basketball sized ball in 

an other, what do you have? 

The undivided attention of the green giant. 

Mr. Graham Leigh says: 

Why is marriage like a game of cards? 

Because you start of with 2 hearts and a diamond, but end up wishing you had a club and a spade. 

BOXER SHORTS........... 

This man had the Hots for his neighbours wife, so much so, that he did not waste any time in 

warming up her bed three mornings a week, when her husband left for the office. One morning 

they were interupted by her husbands unexpected return. 

His wife whispered, 'Get Out' ! He got out the window and climbed down the drainpipe. Within 

minutes he found himself standing naked by the corner of the house. How was he going to get 

home? Two early morning joggers came to his rescue. As he ran between them one remarked.. 

'Do you always go running naked' ? 'I do! replyed the man. 'How come you are wearing a condom' 

! asked the curious jogger. The man replyed......... Well It Was Raining When I Left The House ! 


A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman., Have you seen my brother? I don't know. Said 

the barman; 

What's he look like? 


A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. Sorry said the bartender, I'm 

sorry I’m sorry I can't serve you, Why not? asked the snake, 

The barman said, because you can't hold you drink.

Chris says: 

I went to an Indian restaurant and asked the waiter for a Tarka Masala 

what's that the waiter asked I’ve never heard of a Tarka Masala 

I replied: 

It’s the same as a Tikka Masala but just a little otter! 

Chris says: 

A biker is getting his breakfast from Membury Service Station. 

He goes to pay for his food where the girl behind the counter takes a fancy to him and asks 

Have you ever had a thrill she asks the biker? 

Yes the biker replies when I was travelling along the M4 doing 140mph on my motorbike. 

No No says the girl you misunderstand me - have you ever felt a t*t? 

Yes says the biker when I fell off! 

Chris says: 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately 

needed to `break wind'. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 

`release' with the beat of the music. 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, 

and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. 

Chris says: 

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a 

question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how 

many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is 

four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." 

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones 

in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her 

cone, which one is married?" 

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." 

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're 

thinking." 

Chris says: 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When 

they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant 

them one wish each before they enter Heaven. 

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God 

snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be 

gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. 

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the 

line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one 

guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms 

down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again." 


I hope that Penny lives forever,Yap sure do,( Sorry Maureen ) 




In reply to an earlier post on 23 Sep 2011 20:47:03 BDT 


A wife wakes up one morning and leaned over to give her husband an affectionate kiss, 

Don't touch me' he barked.I'm dead' 


A little old man shuffled into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and painfully on to a 

stool.After catching his breath,he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No he 

replied. Arthritis, 


Two old ladies were discussing their respective husbands over a cup of tea.One said, I wish I could 

get Alf from biting his nails,it's such a revolting habit;Her friend said,My Leonard used to do that, 

but I managed to cure him of the habit' Oh,do tell me.What's your secret?.....I hid his teeth, 


After living a colourful life, an ageing gigolo finally found the years werecatching up on him.So he 

went to the doctors for a check up.Iv'e had a life of wine,women and song' he boasted,and I think 

I won't be able to give it all up' Well, the good news,said the doctor,is that you won't have to give 

up singing, 

Miss Dhammika says: 

"knock knock" 

"who's there?" 

"Doctor" 

"Doctor Who?" 

John J. Oshea says: 

My brother-in-law works as a Lifeguard...he always did like to make a splash ! 

T. O. Sullivan says: 

Q. What do you call a Englishman holding the rugby world cup? 

A. The Engraver 


What's the difference between a banker and a vampire? 

a vampire sucks blood at night. 


Did you hear about the man who read a book about anti-gravity? 

- it was impossible to put down. 

J. Nutbrown says:

While working at home, Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar. The intruder escaped, but Picasso told 

the police he could draw a picture of the 

suspect. On the basis of his drawing, police arrested a three eyed woman, Adolph Hitler, and a 

washing machine ... 


A mate of mine bought a pigeon off a guy in our local, it wasn't until the next day that he found 

out it suffered from Vertigo,( I cried my eyes out,)' 


Jerry and Bill, were sitting in the lounge of their nursing home when one of their female residents 

suddenly ran past stark naked. 

Was that Doris? Asked Jerry, I couldn't be sure, replied Bill, My eyesight’s not so good these days 

Neither is mine agreed Jerry; what do you think she was wearing? I don't know, said Bill 'But it 

sure needed ironing, 

Toz says: 

What do you call a dog with no legs? 

Cigarette.....because each night you take it out for a drag! 


What did the Virgin Mary say when she saw the three wise men? Huh, typical, You wait ages and 

then three come along' 

N. J. Underwood says: 

I bought my Mrs a new coat the other day. I said ''here love try this on''. She says ''it’s perfect''. I 

reply ''o look your knickers are coming down'. She looks down and says ''No they're not''. ''Well 

the f@@@@@g coats going back then''. 

Man up before judge on sex charge, got tickle in throat, started to cough loudly, judge said would 

you like to suck a fisherman’s friend. Man, no thank you i am in enough trouble as it is. 


Man up before judge on charge of having sex with animals, disgusted judge, just how low can you 

get. Man a toy poodle your honour. 


a Glaswegian takes his new girlfriend home for the first time. 

his father says who’s this son? 

its AMANDA replies 

his father says it’s an effing what! 

bassman1 says: 

Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman says "You're Bard!" 

penny says: 

a chap had 2 monkeys, when they died the took to a taxidermist (to be stuffed). the taxidermist 

said "do u want them mounted ?" NO said the chap, "they were only good friends". 


I'm invisible, when can you see me?


Two old guys sitting in the grounds of a retirement home, when a seagull flies over head and 

poops on the one guys bald head, The nurse sees this and runs over to man and says, I will get 

some toilet roll, The other guy says, that’s a waste of time the seagull will be miles away by now. 


You are so hot that everytime I look at you I get a tan. 


An elderly lady called the police and said my car has been broken into, and they have stolen the 

stereo, the steering wheel, and even the pedals, The operator said stay there madam I will send 

along an officer, The woman phoned back two minutes later to the operator and said, tell the 

officer not to bother, I’ve just realized I got into the back by mistake. 

penny says: 

your eyes are like stars , they only come out at night . 

what do u call a man with a very big dog in his car ; sir 

A. White says: 

What's yellow and smells like green paint? 

Yellow paint. 


A young man asked a pensioner how he made his money,and the pensioner said,When I was 

young I bought an apple for ten cents,and then spent all day polishing it,and then sold it for 

twenty cents,Did this day after day making a few more cents each time,And then the wifes father 

died and left us 2 million dollars, 

R. Panesar says: 

My wife hit the ground and broke her neck when we went bungee jumping.serves her right for 

lying about her weight 


I can usually remember Monday through Thursday,If you can remember Friday,Saturday, and 

Sunday ,let's put our heads together. 


A wife took her elderly husband by the hand and whispered in his ear;Tonight I'm going to give 

you super sex; Sounds wonderful ,he said I'll have the soup' 

Mr. Robert Cullen says: 

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? 

They both have the same middle name! 

Dr. House says: 

Pilot announces on PA 'Brace, brace, brace.. we will attempt an emergency landing on water'.. 

Angus, Jeeves and Fitzroy all looked apprehensively at each other. Planning a quickie survival 

strategy, they agreed 'we'll jump right before the plane hits the water'. 'Och aye Jimmy', 'Jolly 

good' and 'Yea mon', came the chorus of agreement. First up was Fitzroy, eyes wide open, he 

proudly declared 'In de name of Selaissie 'igh' and jumped. next up, Angus; eyes closed, he 

shouted 'In the name of Her Majesty' and pushed Jeeves out of the plane!! Needless to say, the 2 

perished; Angus calmly returned to his seat and belted in securely then padded his surrounding

with their seat cushions - and survived!! Then he drowned along with the remaining passengers, 

trapped by the seatbelt he had securely fastened!!!! 

K. Mitchelson says: 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on 

backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, 

said, 'I am a Father..' ... ... The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The 

priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many! The boy said, ''My Dad 

has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, 

getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little 

boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, 

and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.. 

M. A. Johnson says: 

A girl guide asked a woman if she could be of any help, was told oh yes you go round the back and 

paint the porch, and I`ll give you a tenner. A while later the girl came back, and as she was 

leaving with her £10, turned around and said oh by the way, it`s not a Porsche, it`s a Ferrari!! 

A man took his dog to the vets and asked him to cut off the dogs tail, 

Why do you want to do that? Asked the vet, this dog is perfectly healthy, 

I know 'said the man, But the wife’s great aunt is arriving tomorrow and I don't want anything to 

make her think that she is welcome, 


A 55yr old woman was walking her dog ,when she heard a voice say from above, You will live to 

be one hundred ‘That must be god she thought, that means I have another 45yrs left, So she went 

off to see a cosmetic surgeon and have everything fixed from head to toe,=face lift, breast 

implants, tummy tuck, the complete works, but then as she left hospital after the extensive 

surgery, she was hit by a bus and killed, Up in heaven she said to god ,you told me I would live to 

be a hundred, and God said, sorry I didn't recognize you, 

Gorwill says: 

"The egg was my downfall" - the chicken's predecessor. 

Ms. L. E. Luter says: 

Just in from Fox news....Basil Brush moves house!!! 

Matt Clarke says: 

We don't serve time travellers. 

Time traveller walks into a bar 


Two men were chatting at the bar. Isn’t it your 50th wedding anniversary soon, asked one of 

them? Yes it is said the other, And are you going to do anything special to celebrate? Well, for the 

25th anniversary I took my wife to Australia, So I might go to see how's she's getting on, 

C. A. Townsend says: 

THREE WISE MEN 

(you must be joking!) 

HALK says: 

Guess who I bumped into last week in spec savers? EVERYBODY 

DC McLurcan says:

Adam is walking around Eden looking glum. God sees him and asks "What’s wrong Adam?" 

Adam Says "I'm lonely." "I understand." says God "I know. I'll make you a companion to keep you 

company. She will love you; 

adore you; support you; always do as you ask and never ever argue. 

"How much will that cost me?" asked Adam. 

"An arm and a leg" said God. 

"Oh, that's a bit expensive!" said Adam, "What could I get for a rib?" 

cat mad says: 

A woman’s body has been found in a suitcase at a railway station.... who says men can’t pack... 


Two men in their 60s were playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of them was about 

to chip onto the green when he saw along funeral procession on the road running alongside the 

golf course. He immediately stopped in mid swing, closed his eyes and bowed his head in respect, 

That was the most sensitive thing to do said his playing partner he said afterwards, You really are 

a very sensitive man'Well, I was married to her for 37yrs. 

Three old men were playing a threesome at golf when,at the ninth hole,one of them colapsed and 

died of a heart attack. The other two carried hm all the way back to the club house. The club 

captain, on hearing of their action rushed to the men and congratulated them on their caring 

action. "It must have taken a geat deal of effort for a couple of men of your age" he said. 

"Oh no." said one "Carrying him was easy. The hard part was putting him down and picking him up 

between strokes!" 

Tom Heald says: 

"The hard part was putting him down and picking him up between strokes!" 

Mike says: 

Two Irish men walking down the road...they see some dog muck. Paddy picks it up and says "it 

looks like poo, feels like poo smells like poo". Mick says "Lucky we didn’t stand in it! 

oyster69 says: 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 

J. L. Alderman says: 

What's pink and wrinkly and belongs to Grandma?.......... Grandpa!!!!! 


A retired millionaire bought himself a new Mercedes convertible for his 65 birthday. He was soon 

driving along the freeway enjoying the feeling of the wind in his thinning hair, This is the life he 

thought, saw himself driving along with bikini clad girls by his side, So he decided to put his foot 

down to the floor just feel the power of the motor, Then, he heard the sound of a motor cycle cop, 

he looked into his rear view mirror and he was right, so he decided to try and out run the cop, the 

cop walked up to him and said, do you realize Sir that you were doing over 135, miles an hour, 

Then he said, I have 20 minutes of my shift to do and it's Friday, so unless you can give me a 

good reason why you were speeding that I have never heard I will let you go, The man looked at 

the trooper and said, many years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought that you 

were bringing her back, Sir' have a nice day and left. 


A robber held up a stage coach in Americas Mid-West, He' snarled if you don't hand over all your 

money, I'll shoot all the men and molest the women, A gentleman passenger stepped forward and 

said bravely, You shall not touch the ladies. Hearing this, an elderly woman passenger yelled out, 

Leave him alone he’s robbing this this stagecoach. 

michael says:

2 girls having a drink in a English pub, when a kilted Scotsman enters, after the girls have had a 

few one dares the other to ask the scot if he wears anything underneath his kilt. The girl goes up 

to the scot blushingly asks, feel free to find out, the scot answers, the girl does and screams that’s 

gruesome, the scot takes a sip of his drink and with a smile says, if you do that again my dear, 

you will find its grew some more 

chez11 says: 

knock knock 

who is there 

sonya 

sonya who 

sonya foot i can smell it 

Mr. R. Edwards says: 

The dyslexic pirate had a carrot on his shoulder. 

Liam fogarty says: 

I'm in the army, my company OC shouted at me "I didn't see you at camouflage training 

yesterday" 

Veedub says: 

A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban and is not pleased to find that women must 

walk five paces behind the men. A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must 

now walk five paces behind women. 

She asks the interpreter, "What brought about the change?" He replies, "Landmines." 

Veedub says: 

I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA. 

It should look really cool on my black jeep. 

Veedub says: 

I see that the national premature ejaculation helpline are going to have a new awareness 

campaign. Coming soon..... 


An elderly gentleman who was completly deaf goes to the doctors and gets fitted with the latest 

hearing aids on the market,The doctor says to him come back in a weeks time and tell me how 

you got on,The old guy goes back a week later,and the doctor said how did it go?The old 

gentleman said,since Iv'e had these Iv'e changed my Will 3 times, 

Frances Murray says: 

A blonde calls to her blonder friend on the opposite bank of the river 'How do I get to the other 

side ?' 

Pal replies ' Yer on the other side, Doh!' 

Chris says: 

just watched a football match between two ballet teams 

final score was tutu 

BigMac says: 

Aye, and they were both nuts!


Two old men-Bert, and Harry-were sitting quietly in the bar.When was the last time you made love 

to a woman? Bert askesd Harry, 

1945, replied Harry. 

My goodness replied Bert,That's a long time ago' 

Not really' said Harry,glancing at his watch.It's only twenty past eight now' 

Dickie says: 

Q:why are men smarter than women? 

A: Because they have two heads 

Mrs. Kathleen G. Keenan says: 

Why do French people only eat one egg for breakfast................because in France one egg is a 

nuef 


Two elderly gentlemen at a retirement home were sitting under a tree,One turns to the other and 

says,Bill,I'm 83 yrs old and full of aches and pains.I know that you are about my age,How do you 

feel? 

Bill says,I feel like a new born baby' 

Really?Like a new born baby? Yep, No hair,no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants' 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house,and after eating, the wives left the table 

and went into the kitchen. 

The 2 gentlemen were talking,and the one said.Last night we went out to a new restaurant and 

and it was really great...I would recommend it very highly' 

The other man said,What is the name of the restaurant? 

The first man thought and thought, and finally said, What is the name of that flower that you give 

someone you love? You know...the one that is Red and has thorns' 

Do you mean a Rose? 

Yes that's the one' replied the man.He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled Rose, 

what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? 


A senior citizen said to his buddy;So I hear your getting married then? 

Yep' 

Do you know her? 

Nope' 

Do I know her? 

Nope' 

This woman is she good looking? 

Not really' 

Is she a good cook? 

'Naw, she can't cook too well' 

Does she have lots of money? 

Nope! Poor as a church mouse' 

'Well is she good in bed? 

'I don't know' 

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then? 

'Because she can still drive! 

Miss C. Shearer says: 

Q. Why did Jack the ripper put Ice-cubes in his Cornflakes? 

A. Because he was a cereal chiller. 

oracle says: 

Black beauty. Now she's a dark horse.


Two gay men on holiday got locked out of digs after night out, found a ladder and started to climb 

up to window. One said to other oh i feel like a fireman, other said don’t be silly, where are you 

going to find one at this time of night. 


Man walks into a shop and asks "do you sell wasps?". Shopkeeper says no. Man says "there's one 

in the window". 

simba 11 says: 

Whats the difference between a GOOD YEAR and a VERY GOOD YEAR - a tyre and 365 condoms 

alkie annie says: 

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved backwards then forwards, then 

backwards, then forwards, time and time again. back and forth, back and forth, her heart was 

pounding faster, her face was getting flushed and she started to grunt and groan. then she let out 

one almighty scream!!!! "I can't park this bloody car, you do it you smug git" 

alkie annie says: 

The husband's been missing for a week. The police have told me to prepare for the worst. Guess 

I'll have to get his clothes back from the charity shop. 


Three shepherds walked into the stable where the little baby lay in the manger, 

Joseph, said to the three shepherds, we are trying to think of a name for the new born baby' 

And, at that moment one of the shepherds stepped back and stood on a rake, which came up 

and hit him on the back of his head with an almighty crack, and the shepherd said, Jesus Christ' 

and Joseph said, that’ll do. 

Aemy Henry says: 

What do you do when you see a spaceman? ......Park, man! 

Bar says: 

"what do we want"? 

"A CURE FOR TURRETTES" 

"when do we want it"? 

"BOLLOX" 

I must agree about not trusting tennis players. Anybody to whom love means nothing.... 

Adrian Healy says: 

Did you hear about the dog that used to chase people on a bike? They had to take it off him!! 


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working 

as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a 

suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the 

doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to 

help them remember... 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm 

in the kitchen?' he asks. 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 

'Sure..' 

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 

'No, I can remember it.' 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget 

it?' 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries 

and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen 

and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 

'Where's my toast?' 

steve wales says: 

Tanoy announcement overheard at Wellington airport “Will the plane taking the Irish team home 

please hold for the English” 

welshspud says: 

Breaking world cup news............. 

England have a new coach............... 

Its taking them to the airport!!!!!!!!!!!! 


Three old guys are out walking. 

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' 


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, 

but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 

'Twelve thirty..' 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on 

his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 


My husband came home to find me jumping on the bed. 

'Just had my mammogram results, the doc says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old' 

'Oh yeah, what did he say about your fifty year old ass?' 

'Your name never came into it' 

N. Wilkinson says: 

Old McDonald was dyslexic............. 

E I O I E 


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 

10. Cats' facial expressions. 

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours. 

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 

7. Fat clothes. 

6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 

3. Eyelash curlers. 

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 

Alan says: 

Did you hear about the musical submarine? It was playing a sonar-ta! 

beaconcheeks says: 

Dog walks into a job centre, and asks, "Can you get me a job please" ? The assistant replies "Have 

you tried the circus". The dog replies "What would a circus want with a molecular physicist ? " 


The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of 

mental illness. Think of your three best friends. 

If they're OK, then it's you. 

Stephen Davis says: 

I can't stand those Russain Dolls!! They're so full of themselves!! 


Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe 

them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check? 

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting 

weak? 

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke? 

K. Cross says: 

Did you hear about the pilot who crashed in to a Ferris wheel? He's slowly coming round

wojciech simpson says: 

3 sisters ann,jan & fanny were all tall girls with big feet ann size 10 jan size 11 and fanny size 13 

ann and jan went on a double date with two brothers they were all sat at a table one of the lads 

drops something under the table bends down when he gets up says to ann and jan have't you two 

got big feet jan says you ought to see the size of our fannies there masive 


What do train sets and breasts have in common? 

They’re intended for children, but it's usually the men who end up playing with them, 

Mr. Vernon R. Fiske says: 

i went to see a lady doctor-she said take all your clothes off-i said where can i put them-she said 

on the chair WITH MINE! 

Mr. John E. Hill says: 

Where do monkeys make there toast????? Under the gorilla. 

What is the last thing that goes through a flies mind after it crashes into your windscreen ??? its 

backside 


Went to new hair dressers asked have you been cutting hair long yes came the reply well I’m not 

coming here i want mine cutting short 

veggieface says: 

Man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Labrador." Doc says, "How long has this 

been going on?" "Oh, since I was a puppy”. “Well," says the doc, "jump up onto the couch so I can 

examine you." Man says, "I can't - I'm not allowed on the furniture." 


went to market asked man behind the stall can i have a pound of potatoes he said they not pounds 

anymore they are now called kilos so i asked for a pound of kilos 


what's the difference between the andre rieu orchestra and a bull? the bull has the horns at the 

front and the bum at the back...!! 

What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra!! 


early one morning a woman goes into a fish shop asked for a piece of cod man says sorry love sold 

out she returns later askes any cod man says sorry love sold out again she comes back at lunch 

time and tea time man tells her sorry love totally sold out right near closing time she comes in 

again he said look madam if you take the l out of salmon you still have samon if you take the i out 

of plaice you still have place and if you take the f out of cod the woman pipes up but there is no f 

in cod he said that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all day 


My mate says his wife is refusing to make him coffee. Grounds for divorce if you ask me... 

pammytammy says: 

couple who own a parrot go shopping ,after a few minutes the plumber arrives, knocks on the door 

and the parrot says in very squeaky voice "who is it" and the plumber says "it’s the plumber, I’m 

here to mend your pipes”. The parrot says "who is it”, and the plumber says “it’s the plumber, I’m

here to mend your pipes" This goes on for over an hour,and when the couple arrive home they find 

the plumber a quivering wreck on their doorstep,the wife looks down at the plumber and says in 

the same sqeeky voice "who is it" and the parrot says "its the plumber ,Im here to mend your 

pipes. 

pammytammy says: 

Old man recovering from serious operation in hospital, just coming round from the anaesthetic, he 

attracts the attention of young student nurse and asks her "please nurse could you check to see if 

my testical’s are black" The young nurse is quite embarrassed and tries to change the subject, but 

the old man persists "please check to see if my testicals are black. The nurse agrees to look, she 

pulls down the covers then his pyjama pants, and very carefully examines his meat and two veg. 

The old guy is obviously very contented with this examination, but asks the nurse to come closer 

so he can whisper to her. He says nurse "can you check to see if my test results are back" 

Dpwood says: 

Chinese man answers door to dust-bin man. Where's yer bin? I been China. No, where's yer bin? I 

been China. No, No, where,s yer wheelie bin? I wheelie bin China. 

TheRoadVirus says: 

"Balls" said the Queen " If I had them, I would be King" ! 

J. S. Page says: 

Why are pirates called pirates?? 

Because they Arrrgghhh!!!! 

A man walked into a bar carrying 3 wooden panels and 4 wooden posts. The bartender said, you 

can't bring those in here’ Why said the man? 

The bartender said, They may cause a fence,( think I'll take another tablet ) 


Jesus walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of water, which he promptly turned 

into wine. 

What do you think you’re doing? yelled the bartender, 

Jesus replied, I’m not paying your prices for a glass of Sauvignon Blanc' 

Veedub says: 

50 per cent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You 

could be one of the lucky ones. 

Veedub says: 

The official word from David Cameron's office is that the PM would like to sack Liam Fox, but has 

been advised that he can't "because he has a cat”.......... 

Veedub says: 

I have decided to do my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too. 

Veedub says: 

I was watching a western last night and I came to the conclusion that a lot of conflict in the old 

west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big 

enough for everyone. 

M. R. Lyzba says: 

A bear walks into a bar & says 'A pint of ...............lager please. The barman asks why the big 

pause. Bear replies' Because I’m a bear

M. R. Lyzba says: 

I've seen some of the newer buildings & am sure cowboy architects were involved 

R. F. Jackson says: 

We were in bed last night when my wife said "do I please you in bed ?" I replied "of course you do, 

I love the trick you do with your mouth". "What trick ?" she replied.......I said "The one where you 

shut it and go to sleep" !!!! 


WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS 

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the 

ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. 

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.. He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What 

should I do?" 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, 

let's make sure he's dead." 

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard. 

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 

"Okay.. . now what ? 

Keyboard Knight says: 

A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide. 

@@@@ off says the librarian, you won't bring it back! 

Mr. T. W. Lenton says: 

I've recently purchased a Calos Teves DVD. 

It's hopeless, it won't play!! 

Posted on 11 Oct 2011 20:44:44 BDT 

Veedub says: 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, 

and drink whatever comes out?' 

And.............. 

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that 

comes out of its @rse.' 

R. F. Jackson says: 

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can't find my wife, 

can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you 

have any idea where your wife is? 

Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours 

she appears out of no where! 

A mushroom walked into a bar and shouted the drinks are on me, 

Why are you buying everyone drinks the bartender said? 

The mushroom replied,because I'm a Fungi' 


David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a beer, 

The bartender said it's a pleasure to serve you,Mr hasselhoff,

Just call me Hoff, said the actor, 

Sure said the bartender, No hassele; 

A. L. Simpson says: 

wots a hospice? about two gallon...... 

Mr. S. R. Trethewey says: 

"Apparently Liz Taylors gone for a Burton" 

penny says: 

2 lovers sitting in the park. Girl tries to grope Boy ; BOY says no not b4 marriage. GIRL ; don’t 

worry I’m already married.... 

Gs Collins says: 

A white horse walks into a bar. 

The barman says "we've got a drink named after you". 

The horse says "what, Eric?" 

Gs Collins says: 

A woman walks into a bar. 

The barman says "what can I get you". 

The woman says "I'll have an inuendo please". 

So the barman gave her one. 

jt. says: 

A pet shop has a talking parrot outside on a perch. Each day a lady passes by on her way to work 

and the parrot says "God you're ugly!" The lady jumps and passes on by, with a scowl at the 

parrot. 

The next day the same thing happens again, the parrot saying "God you're ugly!" 

The lady decides not to put up with this and goes into the pet shop to see the owner. 

"Your parrot is most offensive and very rude to me," she says, "and every day I pass by, please 

make him stop it!" 

So the owner tells the parrot off with dire consequences if he doesn't stop. 

The next day, the lady approaches the parrot warily, and goes by quickly with just a glance. 

As she passes the parrot, he says... "You know...." 

Barry Lambley-Clark says: 

I can wait for the apple servers to go down as well as the blackberry one's. We will all be able to 

see apple and blackberry crumble 

Veedub says: 

There are now a record number of male hairdressers in the country. Is this more evidence of our 

countries descent into barbarism? 

Veedub says: 

I really never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got 

home, all the signs were there...... 

Veedub says:

I Bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" 

I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, tramps and down 'n' outs." 

He said, “Oh so you work in a charity centre in town." I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons 

pub." 

Veedub says: 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night,he's doing a show in a small town in 

Tasmania. 

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. 

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard 

enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? 

What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like 

you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from 

reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination 

against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!" 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this 

mate! I'm talking to that little Creep on your lap!" 

Iceman says: 

A man goes to the doctors and says, "when I touch my finger to my forehead it hurts, when I 

touch my finger to my arm it hurts, when I touch my finger to my leg it hurts, what should I do?" 

Doctor says " don't do it" 


Three friends married women from different parts of the world...... 

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. 

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes 

washed and put away. 

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes 

and the cooking. 

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he 

saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes 

washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. 

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by 

the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and 

his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still 

has some difficulty when he pees. 


A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. 

Where does poo come from?" she asks. 

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter 

is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: 

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?" 

"Yes," answers the girl. 

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the 

good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums 

when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." 

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in 

stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: 

"And Tigger? 

Mr. P. Nam says:

My wife is not speaking to me, cos i never opened the car door for her, its not my fault, i just 

paniced and swam to the surface 

Why didn't the sailors play cards? 

; Because the captain was sitting on the deck. 


Why are soldiers so tired on the 1st of April? 

Because they have just had a 31 day March 

Mrs. J. Morrison says: 

what's green and goes red in a minute... 

a frog in a liquidiser.... 

Maria says: 

What’s the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison? You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo!!! 

Mr. E. A. T. Helsby says: 

I got a penis enlarger.....................she's 17 and er name is Lucy 


was in Sainsbury’s saw some sausages with Jamie Oliver on the front it said prick with a thought i 

can't disagree with that 


whats the fastest thing underwater a motorpike and sidecarp 


Liverpool City Centre this morning, and Police were called to respond to a "suspect item" spotted 

in a car windscreen. Reports later revealed the item was a tax disc. 

Veedub says: 

3 men were drunk, they stopped a taxi. the taxi driver figured that they were so drunk he just 

switched the engine on and switched it off and told them "we've arrived". the 1st guy gave him 

money, the 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. the taxi driver was stunned 

becuase he was hoping that none of them would realize that the car didn't move a inch. so he 

asked: "what was that for" so the drunk replied "control your speed next time, you almost killed 

us!!!" 

Veedub says: 

Confucius Did NOT Say... 

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. 

Better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. 

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts. 

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. 

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. 

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. 

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. 

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood 

Veedub says: 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. talk about 

Dyson with death..... 

Veedub says: 

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not 

actually a dating agency.................. 

Veedub says: 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I 

noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about 

with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!!!! 

Veedub says: 

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to 

broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in 

Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do." 

Mrs. Sk BRAMWELL says: 

A battery and a firework were arrested, one was charged and the other was let off! 


I was at an ATM machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I 

pushed her over. 

a man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women . so she turned him into a 

credit card..(p) 

The Tannman says: 

2 old men sitting in deckchairs on the beach one says it’s lovely out the other says yep put it away 

someone’s coming. 


Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?' 


An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar... to watch Wales in the 2011 Rugby World 

Cup. 

General HG says: 

F**ting in a lift is wrong on so many levels don't you think? 


How's this? A man gives a lift to a lady friend in his luxury motor, When she gets in and goes to 

fasten the seat belt into the fitting between the seats, she spots as white plastic peg in the tray by 

the gear lever. She says what's this for? and the man said, I put my balls on that when I drive off, 

Gosh she replied this car has got everything. 

J. Nutbrown says:

A drunk fell down the steps of the Hilton Hotel, stumbled towards the waiting cab, and climbing in, 

said to the driver, Take me to The Hilton Hotel, We’re already there replied the taxi driver, That's 

great said the drunk. But next time don't drive so fast. 


Paul McCartney is already annoyed with his new wife because she’s spending twice as much on 

shoes as his last wife 


the government have just passed a new bill so gay me can get more money it’s called knob 

seekers allowance 


my next door neighbour confronted me about missing underwear on her washing line I nearly sh*t 

her pants 


scientific fact when a man farts in bed it turns a woman on ...well i was in bed with my wife i 

farted and she said or f**k me 


A woman went to the veterinary clinic to collect her sick dog. The vet came out carrying the dog 

and said; I’m really sorry, but I am going to have to put your dog down; 

Why? sobbed the woman, 

Because he's too heavy. 

juggathehut says: 

Two dyslexics walking down the street and one says to the other- "can you smell gas?" 

Other replies "smell gas?? I can’t even smell me own name!!!" 


Paddy's wife was about to give birth, so he rushed her to the hospital, On arrival, the nurse asked 

how dilated is she? 

Bejaysus; beamed Paddy, we’re both over the moon. 

little Jewish boy born without eyelids so doc says because he’s Jewish when we circumcise him we 

can use the skin from that to make him some eyelids his parents were not keen on the idea they 

said it might make him look cockeyed 


Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. 


One day the Lord said to Adam; It’s time for you and Eve to star populating the earth, so I want 

you to kiss her. Yes Lord said Adam, but what is a kiss? So the lord gave a brief description af a 

kiss to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and led her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes 

later,Adam emerged and said,Thank you Lord,that was most enjoyable,I thought you might like it 

said the Lord,so now I want you to caress Eve,Certainly Lord said Adam,But what is a caress? 

again the Lord explaind to Adam,So Adam took Eve behind the Bush again,and came back and 

said to the Lord that was most enjoyable,The Lord said to Adam now I want you to go behind the 

bush and make love to Eve,and the Lord gave him a brief description on what to do,After 15 

minutes,Adam returned and said to the Lord,What is a headache? 

Veedub says: 

Liam Fox has resigned. He actually handed the resignation letter to Oliver Letwin on Tuesday........


What did Adam say on the day before Christmas to? 

It's christmas..Eve. 


How many nerve endings shall we put in a woman’s Genitals ? asked Peter, 

How many did we put in Adams? 

Five hundred and twenty' 

Yes we did want Adam to have extra pleasure in life, didn’t we? 

Do the same for Woman' 

Certainly Lord; 

No, wait said God, Give her ten thousand; I want her to scream out my name! 


Two men had just broken into a high rise block of apartments, when they hear the sound of Police 

sirens. 

Quick let's jump out of the window the one said; 

We can't said his accomplice.We're on the 13th floor; 

Listen,said the other this is no time to be superstitious. 


Five thousand bars of soap were stolen from a warehouse. Police say the thieves made a clean 

getaway. 

Why did the escaped convict saw the legs off his bed? 

He wanted to lie low. 


Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming 

wedding. 

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, 

the Kirk, the motor cars, the recuption, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night". 

Archie nods approvingly. 

"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. 

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?" 

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.. 

Veedub says: 

I'm starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now... Left the car at the pub last night and 

tOook the bus home.... Quite proud of myself really.... I've never driven a bus before.... 

penny says: 

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya . They sent in 

3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack. 

Raphaelite Girl says: 

Best joke ever via the Late, Great Clement Freud: 

This is a story about a man. His wife has told him that if he ever comes home drunk she will leave 

him.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and 

asks what he can do. His friend is helpful. 

"Go home," he says. "Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside 

your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry 

cleaning bill." 

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains. He tells her about the drunk man who 

threw up on him. He shows her the twenty pounds. 

She looks. "But why have you got two £20 notes?" she asks. 

"Oh," he says. "The other one is from the man who shat in my pants." 


A man parked his car at a super market and was walking past an empty trolley when he heard a 

woman ask, Excuse me do you want that trolley? No he answered, I'm only here for one 

thing'...Huh she mumbled, Typical man' 


A man turned to his wife and said, I don’t' know why you wear a Bra sarcastically, 

you’ve got nothing to put in it. 

She replied; Well you wear underpants, don’t you.? 


how do men exercise on the beach? By sucking their stomach in whenever they 

see a bikini clad woman. 

What's the difference between a 'G' spot and a golf ball? 

Men will actually search for a golf ball, 


A man said to his drinking buddy, My wife is the double of Kate Moss; 

Really? Yes, Kate Moss, weighs 8 stone, and my wife weighs 16 stone, 

Veedub says: 

What do prisoners use to call each other?...................... cell Phones ;-) 

G. cook says: 

What do you call an Irish woman with 2 cunts? {Jedwood’s mum!} 


A grasshopper walked into a bar,The bartender says Hey' we have a drink named after you, 

The grasshopper said to the bartender, You have a drink named Derek? 

A cowboy walked into a bar wearing a coconut filled chocolate bar on his head, in place of a hat, 

What's up with him? The bartender asks one of the regulars, 

OH’ he’s got a bounty on his head 


Charles Dickens walked into a bar; the bartender said; Oliver or Twist. 

penny says: 

a lady went to doctors ,said my husband don’t make love to me anymore. Doctor gave her some 

power. he told her to put in the salt pot ,which she did . Husband came home that evening. She

put the meal down in front of him. he put the salt on the food. All of a sudden the sausage jumped 

off the plate and stuffed the cat..... 

penny says: 

what about the chap who took his girlfriend out in the fog and mist (missed). 


Joke coming up,A sausage walked into a bar and asked for a drink. 

The bartender said we don't serve food; 


A Baptist goes up to heaven, and St Peter says what religion are you? Baptist the man replied. Go 

to room 28 please said St' Peter,but be quiet going passed room 6, 

Why is that? Replied the Baptist, 

And Peter said that's because, The Jehovah's Witnesses are here in room 6 and they think they are 

the only ones here, 

Ciaran McGuill says: 

How do you make your d**k look big?? 

Put it in a child's hand 

Veedub says: 

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced 

today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather' 

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: 'Muslim 

Weather' 

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite ) 

Jure Iglic says: 

Do you know what is a real courage? When in middle of the night you come home with a mistress 

and you whispers in your wife's ear: "Pretend you are my sister 


A man walks into a psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, a burger on each shoulder 

a strip of bacon over each ear and a strand of spaghetti up his nose, 

How can I help you? asked the psychiatrist, 

The man said I'm worried about my brother' 

Veedub says: 

My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably 

sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned 

around and walked to the front door to go to da car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she 

hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in 

the car 

Veedub says: 

A bloke comes home, screeches his car into the driveway, and runs into the house. He slams the 

door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I've won the lottery!" 

The wife says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" 

"Doesn't matter," he says. "Just get out." 

T. Nimmo says: 

Did you hear about the gay cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sheriff.


Penny and J Nutbrown, just get a room will you!!!! 

Veedub says: 

I got a new stick deodorant today. 

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. 

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely. 

Veedub says: 

Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If 

that ever happens, just pull the plug.' 

So he got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. 

penny says: 

A chap asked me in the psychiatrists waiting room. “why are we here “I replied, " Because we are 

not all there ". 

Veedub says: 

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal 

immigrants, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight 

customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi 

driver. 

FOR THE LAST TIME ..............................The dog is NOT for sale ! 

Rachel Cook says: 

Whats brown and sticky? A stick 

Whats red and sits in the corner? A naughty Strawberry 


took my granddaughter to the zoo yesterday; it only had one dog - it was a shihtzu 

Subin Subhash says: 

A guy meets a pretty girl in a pub, and he finds her as the dream girl he was looking for all 

through his life.. he goes to her and offers her a drink. She seems to be getting close to him.. guy 

gets interested and now orders champagne ! and asks the girl.. Are you FREE on Saturday 

evening? She says nope.. I CHARGE double, 80 pounds an hour! Guy fainted! 

Trigger says: 

Just bought the new Carlos Tevez dvd but it won’t play 

Veedub says: 

I don't do joke books I'm afraid....... I'm what is known as ex mob (RAF) and my jokes are 

sent/received with my former colleagues. I like to see peeps smile, if I can contribute in that way 

theres always more to come ;-) 

Veedub says: 

I have just read about the brother and sister in Scotland who were caught having sex in a lift. I 

have to say that incest in a lift is wrong on every level..........


a young man goes to the drs about a problem with his penis he gets a woman dr she asked him 

whats wrong he said it did not matter and was about to leave she called him back told him to sit 

down and talk to her she explained she is a fully trained dr and shes seen it all before nothing to 

get embarassed about so he drops his trousers dr burst in to laughter he had a 2mm willy she kept 

saying sorry about laughing keeping it professional asked hhm what wrong with it he said its 

swollen 

GS says: 

Nurse says to doctor" doctor, mr Brown is here , when can you see him?" doctor says," when he 

walks through the door, my eye sight is very good!! " 


paddy and murphy on a trip to london to donate sperm its been a right disaster paddy missed the 

tube and murphy came on the bus 


went to local pub thought i'd buy me and the wife a meal i ordered two chicken meals for a fiver i 

was brought two plates of corn i said whats do you call this barman said two plates of chicken 

meal 


knock knock whos there ?alison alison to my radio in the morning..went to dr he told me i was 

colourblind it hit me like a bolt out of the orange 


G. mcintosh says: 

Man with no arms and legs waiting at a bus stop, bus pulls up and driver shouts "how you getting 

on today Jim?" 

Leslie Watkins says: 

a knopf is a button 

Veedub says: 

Getting the Dale Farm Travellers down from their scaffolding is 

probably......................................... the best game of Ker-plunk ever. 


names of books ...rusty bed springs by i.p.nightly..long walk by miss d.buss..fell off the cliff by 

eileen dover..and then trades paddy o'doors = double glasing sales man..sean de lear =light 

fitter..carpet fitter=walter wall 

Veedub says: 

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are 

you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just 

doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " 

excuse me?" The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door 

answering all my questions". 


On a visit to an art gallery a man was puzzled by what appeared to be a blank canvas. So when he 

spotted the artist, he asked him what it was supposed to be. 

That, sir is a cow grazing 'said the artist with pride, 

Where's the grass asked the visitor? 

The cow's eaten it, sir'

Well' where’s the cow? 

The artist turned to him and said, Surely you don't think the cow would be foolish to stay after it 

had eaten all the grass, 


An army private was out one night when he met the general walking his dog. 

Nice night, soldier, said the general. 

'Uh' yes sir replied the soldier nervously. 

Pointing to his dog, the general said, This is a golden retriever=best breed of dog to train' 

Uh' yes sir said the private ageing, 

I got this dog for my wife' said the general. 

Good trade sir the private replied. 

penny says: 

a wife was in the bathroom about 3 hours getting ready to go out. Eventually she opened the door 

and asked her husband " tell me to i look big in this ? " her husband replied " yes but to be fair it 

is a small bathroom " 

Angie Davenport says: 

Boy asks his father for a watch for his birthday. So his dad lets him.... 

modgey says: 

A man in England has been the 1st man in history to Kidnap his own Clone 

a close friend said he liked to keep himself to himself 

Gorwill says: 

He was spotted in the swimming pool later - someone said his name was Bob. 

sam tm says: 

My wife asked me what I was doing? I said, "Nothing." 

She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I didn't finish." 

Mr. Paul G. Barber says: 

what is Mary short for------ 

Cause she's only got little legs 


The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very 

angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the 

change." 

Cowboy goes into a German car showroom and says AUDI 

Veedub says: 

In a Glasgow pub quiz the final question to win the £1000 was: Take That's first album consisted 

of four words, the first two were "Take That" so what were the second two? There was a long 

pause then a wee Glasgow man stood up and said: 

Was it - "Ya Bastard"...? 

Veedub says: 

There are rumours that Colonel Gaddafi has been captured or killed but it is as yet 

unconfirmed....Personally though, I think it's a dead Sirte.....

eckyboo says: 

Times are that hard that my wife has started having sex with me, 

she can't afford new batteries! 

Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He 

replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave". 


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 

48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 

A. J. Sangster says: 

What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye 

a winky wonkey 

Cs Training says: 

a horse walks into a bar. the barman says 'why the long face?' 

the horse says 'my wife is dead.' 

Veedub says: 

What do prisoners use to communicate with each other........................ Cell Phones!!!!! 

Cs Training says: 

a bear walks into a bar, the barman asks what he wants to drink. After a long time he says 'a 

beer'. 

The barman says 'why the big paws.' 

The bear says it's a family trait, and now he's made him self-conscious. 

And he leaves. 

john james says: 

Two peanuts walking down the road one was assaulted 

Marianne says: 

I was going to tell you a joke about a pencil....but it's pointless 

RUABH says: 

Four gay boys mugged this woman in Central Park; Three held her down one did her hair! 


A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices 

his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman 

grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick 

nicked." 

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film 

said 18 or over." 

sam tm says: 

I am passing this on to all of you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could 

probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve 

inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things 

I'd started and hadn't finished - I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of 

Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic 

and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy

fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr peass. An telum,u 

blody luvum.!! Xxx 

Veedub says: 

Never.... Ever.... Ever..... lie to an XRay Technician. He can see right through you ;-) 

Well after years of atrocities and the appalling treatment of millions, it's finally over. Details are 

still sketchy, but finally.......................................................Westlife are splitting up. 


Hic' scuse me,Hic' me old buddfy,I'll join yu,have nuther 'Hic' 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was 

a lovely service. 

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled 

bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair 

Dundat. 

A man who was a keen golfer, phones the doctor, 

Doctor, come quick, this an emergency; my young son has swallowed my golf tees, 

O.K. said the Doctor, I’ll be with you as soon as I can, 

Tell me what to do till you get here' 

The doctor, said, Practice your putting. 

sam tm says: 

I've just seen a bloke on a tractor driving round telling everyone the world is about to end. It was 

Farmer Geddon 

I bought my wife a pen for her birthday. What a waste of money. She escaped in less than an 

hour. 

Just had a man on the doorstep quoting "Give us this day, our daily bread" at me. Must have been 

a Jehovis Witness. 

Someone just threw a jar of Omega 3 tablets at me! I wasn't hurt badly though, just a super-fishoil 

injury. 

Gorwill says: 

Heard about the skeleton who walked into the Chemists....? 

sam tm says: 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they 

were £70!!! I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. 

sam tm says: 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he 

reckoned he could stop any time.... 

sam tm says: 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said Ènglish speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a 

good idea, why don't we have them in England? 


The skeleton said,could I use your scales please,I seem to have a weight problem, 

sam tm says:

A shepherd came over to me and said 'I've got 68 sheep, will you round them up for me?' 

So I said 'Ok, you've got 70............' 

sam tm says: 

My Dog 

Went down this morning to the DHSS to sign my Dog on. 

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".. I explained to her that my Dog is black, 

unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. 

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. 

He gets his first cheque on Friday. 

Damn this is a great country. 

sam tm says: 

But my dog is black . And I am welsh , ginger and keep sheep ......... 

Veedub says: 

I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after nosing through her wardrobe and finding a 

nurse's uniform. a French maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform, I dumped her..... It's 

obvious, she can't hold down a job... 

oracle says: 

What cheese can hide a horse? Mascarpone. 


a young man out on the pull meets this woman in a bar she asked him back to her place he 

accepted but says its his first time she said dont worry i'll help you back at her place she said what 

about a 69 he said whats that she starts to show him just putting her leg over his face and farts 

she says sorry and starts again and again farts he said he dont like the idea of waiting for another 

67 of them 


3 nurses talking in the morgue and see a mans body with an erection two of the nurses jumped on 

him had good sex the 3rd nurse said its her period week but decides to have a go then the man 

wakes up they say sorry i thought you was dead how do you feel he said never felt better after 

two jump starts and a blood transfusion 

Veedub says: 

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the 

bartender gives her the drink she says, 

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..' 

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' 

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, 

too.' 

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 

'Coming up,' says the bartender. 

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to 

buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. 

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two 

drops of water?' 

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. 

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 

Veedub says: 

'OLD' IS WHEN.... 

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs 

and make love,' and you answer, 

'Pick one; I can't do both!' 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 

Your friends compliment you 

on your new alligator shoes 

and you're barefoot. 


A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy 

and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 


Going bra-less 

pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 


You don't care where your spouse goes, 

just as long as you don't have to go along. 


You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 


'Getting a little action' 

means you don't need to take any fibre today. 


'Getting lucky' means you find your car 

in the parking lot. 

'OLD'IS WHEN... 

An 'all nighter' means not getting up 

to use the bathroom. 

AND 

'OLD' IS WHEN.... 

You are not sure these are jokes! 

Veedub says: 

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door. 

She says, "Who is it?" 

A male voice responds, "The blind man." 

After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in." 

The man enters and says, "Nice bristols, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls. 

One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that." 

To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..." 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 

'How old was your husband?' 

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me' 

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it? 

Veedub says: 

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. 

I thought.................................................................that's Abboriginal. 




In reply to an earlier post on 23 Oct 2011 22:23:34 BDT 


Liked everyone of them,Just hope I never get to that stage (J) 





Veedub says: 

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick 

you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you 

shut up and go to sleep!" 





Veedub says: 

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including 

cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in 

Liverpool . The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had 

no idea they had a job centre! 





Veedub says: 

Better than a Flu Shot! 

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was 

admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and 

she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared 

tea.. 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl... sitting 

on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! 

When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity 

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no

longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the 

bowl. 

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I 

found this little package on the ground. The directions said ..... 

place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I 

haven't had the flu all winter. 






Who would have thought there was a (P) in Pneumonia Where has that P gone.? 





Derek Loynds says: 

I slept like a log last night - I woke up in the fireplace-Ha! 






Doctor " Ive not seen you for a long time" Patient " I`ve been ill " 

start the car! 






a boss with 2 workers jack and jill in an office times were hard so boss said to jill i'll have to lay 

you or jack off jill replied she had head ache 






I think WHEEL overlook that; 





penny says: 

missed u 2 J (p) 



0 of 4 people think this post adds to the discussion. Do you?


penny says: 

sorry J hav been busy (P) 





penny says: 

thats as olds as the hills score 2 for trying 






Hya Penny I used to be a boxer-42 fights-42 knock outs- I never won a fight! HA! 





Last edited by the author on 25 Oct 2011 15:19:33 BDT 

penny says: 

so now your telling jokes instead, i would throw in the towel if i were u Derek ! ! 





G. Angel says: 

[Deleted by Amazon on 30 Dec 2011 23:13:59 GMT] 


Gorwill says: 

Don't do it Derek, think of ur fans..!! 





G. Angel says: 

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight 

in one of London's most expensive hotels. 

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. 

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms 

certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." 

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the `standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. 

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympicsized 

pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." 

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"'Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. 

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel 

is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing 

here," the Manager said. 

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. 

"Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replied. 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" 

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. 

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made 

out for £50.00." 

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. 

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager. 

"Well, too bad, I was here and you could have!!" 

Don't mess with Senior Citizens!!!!! 





ceearejay says: 

It was the happiest day of my life - I arrived at the church, he was waiting at the altar, I walked 

down the aisle, I kissed him on the cheek..............and then slammed the lid!! 





Last edited by the author on 25 Oct 2011 16:35:30 BDT 

RickyC says: 

I had an awful nightmare last night about Gloria Gaynor. 

Well... at first I was afraid,.. then I was petrified!! 





hippychic says: 

...When I was just a little girl 

I asked my mother 'What will I be.? 

Will I be pretty, Will I be rich.? 

Here's what she said to me 

'Son, we need to talk'.... 





Mr. Gl Jones says:

Found out I've got Tom Jones Syndrome. Haven't heard of it before but the doctor said that "It is 

not unusual". 





Maria says: 

Why did the baby brick cry? 

Because his Mother was up the wall and his Father was around the bend ! 





Veedub says: 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 


Dave drowned. We got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket for the funeral. It's what he 

would have wanted. 


man doing diy at home putting up shelves but they kept falling down he decides to go to the 

library and get a book on it he asked the desk clerk have you any books on shelves 






why do farts smell ? To benefit deaf people 






woman walking through a grave yard hears music coming from beethovens grave but its all played 

backwards thats beethovens 5th then his 7th but all played backwards a crowd starting to form 

one asked a grave digger about the music from the grave played backwards the grave digger said 

yeah easy to explain its beethoven decomposing 





Veedub says: 

My wife rang me and said "Where the heck are you?" I said "You know that jewellers where you 

saw those diamond earrings you really liked?" "Yes" she said in a much softer voice. "Well I'm in 

the pub opposite" ........... 



3 of 3 people think this post adds to the discussion. Do you?



A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme 

park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the 

Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, 

her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her 

husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, 

it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure! 

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly 

asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my 

dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he 

will still get it wrong. 






Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, 

"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, 

association - it's made a big difference for me." 

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but 

couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower 

with the long stem and thorns?" 

"You mean a rose?" 

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?" 






A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African 

plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he 

held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the 

tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, 

and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." 

The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" 

he asked. 

"I do," she said, "but what's it for?" 

The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the 

tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." 

"Shoot the gorilla?" 

"No," he answered, "the dog." 

Penny says: 

A mam was sunbathing naked on the beach and to keep himself getting sunburn. he had a hat 

over his privates,a woman walked passed and said " if u were a gentleman you'd lift your hat ". he 

replied " if u weren't so ugly it would lift itself " 


> 

> An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of 

> impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones

wafting up the stairs. 

> 

> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. 

> Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with 

> even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled 

> downstairs. 

> 

> With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the 

> kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself 

> already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were 

> literally hundreds of his favourite scones. 

> 

> Was it heaven? 

> 

> Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty 

> years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

> 

> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, 

> landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand 

> trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly 

> smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...... 

> 

> "Bugger off" she said "they're for the funeral." 

Veedub says: 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new 

electric train set in the living room. 

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos 

we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down 

the tracks'. 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't ...use that kind of language in this house. 

Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. 

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the 

train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 

'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings 

with you. 

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' 

She hears the little boy continue, 

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. 

Remember, there is no smoking on the train. 

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' 

As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in 

the kitchen. 

Veedub says: 

THE BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED......................... 

Rupert bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to 

deliver the donkey the next day. 

The next day he arrived and the farmer said, 'Sorry, but I have some bad news. 

The donkey's died.'

Rupert replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 

'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' 

So Rupert said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 

'What are you going to do with him?' 

Rupert said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't 

raffle a dead donkey!' 

Rupert said, 'Of course I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' 

A month later, the farmer met up with Rupert and asked, 'What happened with 

that dead donkey?' 

Rupert said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece 

and made a profit of £898' 

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Rupert said, 'Just the guy who 

won. So I gave him his two pounds back.' 

Rupert now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland 

DamoBoyd says: 

I had to tell my wife that she's leaving me because I'm a control freak. 

Veedub says: 

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said: you're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K, 

She said "what does that mean?" 

He said: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot, 

She said: Oh that's so lovely. What about I,J,K,? 

He said: I'm Just Kidding!!!! 

penny says: 

you will receive your reward in heaven my friend J (p) 

Jennifer Faichney says: 

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the team? 

She ran away from the ball 

Veedub says: 

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain 

later.' 

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a 

soldier?' 

The nun replied, 'He went that way.' 

After the MP's ran off, the soldier 

crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough 

Sister You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .' 

The nun said, 'I understand completely.' 

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!' 

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b-lls....I 

don't want to go to Afghanistan either !!

The Old Lady and the Speed Limit 

While waiting just outside of town, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering 

along at 22 MPH. 

He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" 

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in 

the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the 

speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than 

the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an 

hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly. 

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the 

speed limit. 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK?" the officer asks. 

"These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time". 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120." 

D.A. says: 

Shocking news towards the end of summer. Our friendly and very popular ice cream man was 

found dead in his van. He was covered in hundreds and thousands, chocolate bits and lots of 

strawberry sauce. Police think he may have topped himself! 

Veedub says: 

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him 

more...... The fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived..................... 

Veedub says: 

A pharmacist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" 

he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire 

bottle of laxatives." U frigging idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!! "Of 

course you can" the asssistant replied. "Look at him, he's too frigging scared to cough now!!" 

Iota says: 

Must have been a mink coat stowed here about ... 

Doris says: 

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do 

you sell potato clocks?" 

The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage 

clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what is a potato clock?" 

And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd 

better get a potato clock.'"

Here's another go then: 

When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh 

my God, it's huge!" 




Posted on 30 Oct 2011 10:20:13 GMT 

Anthony Easy says: 

A stout woman walks into the Parish Library and eagerly demands from the male librarian for the 

book she was recommended to as a must read titled "Woman the Master". The slim framed man 

without looking up answer was "Go check the Fiction Shelf" 





Veedub says: 

With halloween coming up i went to a fancy dress shop to buy a dracula costume, 

the girl offered me a Chelsea shirt.............i said to her "sorry love, i think you misheard me, i said 

i want to look like a count" 





Veedub says: 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

They have managed to make viagra in powder form,you can put it in your tea it dosen't make you 

want sex but it does stop your biscuit going soft 





Veedub says: 

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged From a bottle of Tippex. I woke 

this morning with a huge correction. 



Do you think this post adds to the discussion? 


Veedub says: 

Wife turns to husband and says "go down to the chemist and get some of those pills that give you 

a hard on" wife was not impressed when husband returns and throws her a bottle of slimming 

tablets. 





Veedub says:

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass 

and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this 

beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is 

better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my 

liver." 




In reply to an earlier post on 30 Oct 2011 17:15:27 GMT 

penny says: 

thats one way to look at it.... 





Theo says: 

Okay. You want a joke? 

How to Meet Broads: A Comprehensive Guide to the Art of Seduction 






OMG that's a real book on here. Lol. 

Y did u buy it for Theo 





Theo says: 

Did I buy it at all? 

I'll let you reach your own conclusions on that one! >;) 






U rated it so that's conclusive proof of purchase (",) 





Anton C says: 

[Deleted by the author on 30 Oct 2011 21:31:53 GMT] 

Posted on 30 Oct 2011 21:11:21 GMT

Anton C says: 

[Deleted by the author on 30 Oct 2011 21:32:04 GMT] 


Theo says: 

Then I guess my "review" must likewise be the pure, unvarnished truth! 

Now excuse me while I go pork my supermodel de jour... 





R. Brown says: 

I came on the bus today.But managed to pass it off as an asthma attack. 





penny says: 

ok .. 





penny says: 

A little old man shuffled into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself slowly ,painfully up onto a stool. 

He ordered a banans split , the waitress asked him " crushed nuts sir ?" . NO he replied arthritis 

......(p) 





Bloke-on-a-spoke says: 

Confucius, he say blonde typist who sit on judge's lap get honourable discharge. 





T Parker says: 

never trust a dwarf who says your wifes hair smells nice! 

penny says: 

where are u J give me a good joke (p) 

penny says: 

the wife was counting all the 1p and 2ps .when all of a sudden she started to shout and cry ! i 

thought to myself shes going the change....... 

Anthony Easy says:

As I approach the Great River Bridge in the bus I prayed Lord save me for i am sure this bus will 

run over the bridge. I don't know how He did it but here I am. 

Veedub says: 

I was in bed with 2 Thai birds on Saturday and thought I had won the lottery. I had 6 matching 

balls. 

w mcconnell says: 

Two men met in the street one says it’s nice out today the other says oh good i will take mine out 

When a human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacemen of the right calibre. 

Theo says: 

This couple gets invited to a costume party so the wife RSVPs and goes out and selects the 

costumes and everything. The night of the party she comes down with an intense headache, so 

she lays down in bed and finally tells her husband she can't make it and he'll have to go alone. At 

first he refuses but she insists so he gives in and goes to the party by himself. After a couple hours 

her headache subsides and she starts wondering how the party is going and what he is up to. As 

she is laying there she realizes that he never saw her costume and if she did go to the party he 

wouldn't recognize her at all. So off she goes. When she gets there she immediately spots his 

costume and can't believe what she sees. He's running around like a fool grabbing all the women's 

butts and hitting on every girl he can. So she wanders over near him and he is soon all over her 

too. Next thing you know they are alone in a bedroom with him pulling her clothes off. She's 

thinking "you cheating SOB." When he tries to remove her mask she stops him and they end up 

having wild sex with their masks still on. When they finish she quickly dresses and leaves the 

party. As soon as she gets home she jumps in the shower and then quickly slips back into bed 

pretending that she never left the house. She is laying there, angry and thinking about confronting 

him about his cheating. Not long after, he comes home and climbs into bed. She pretends to just 

wake up and asks "so, how was the party?" "Boring" he says, "I couldn't have any fun without you, 

so Bob and I just played pool all night. But the guy I let borrow my costume said he had a great 

time! 

Theo says: 

Recent studies have shown that smoking marijuana destroys the memory... well if thats true, then 

what does smoking marijuana do? 


My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly 

too. 


A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The 

barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the 

same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks 

around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the 

same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber 

looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at 

a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, 

Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when 

he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." 


There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked 

to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the 

man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to 

ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who 

wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the 

man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other 

half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said

to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with 

the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you 

from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired 

the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is 

from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she 

play for?" 

Blastronaut says: 

Bloke on phone to girlfriend - "Please tell me you've got no knickers on!?" 

Girlfriend - "Actually I haven't!" 

Bloke - "You naughty girl, what're you up to?" 

Girlfriend - "I'm having a shít!" 

Mr. D. E. Lansdale says: 

What’s brown and lives in the sea, and attacks other fish;;;;;;; jack the kipper: 

5Ash says: 

Q What's the difference between a Psychiatrist & God? A God doesn't think he's a Psychiatrist 

Veedub says: 

Got some wellies,sprayed them gold and put some shiny sparkles on them.and put them out on 

the doorstep Hoping the local kids think Gary Glitter lives here and won't bother knockin our door 

tonight 

Theo says: 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shít? A: The bucket. 

Veedub says: 

Male Fairy Tale 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess Will you marry me? The Princess said 

NO...and so the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and became a Marine and 

made love to skinny big breasted woman and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and 

dated women half his age and drank whiskey beer and patron tequila and never paid child support 

or alimony and ate what he wanted and screwed cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and 

never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggen 

cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up...The end 

budding artist! says: 

What do you call a bear with no ears??????? 'B' ! 


two mates talking one says do you have any naked photos of your wife. no none was the reply .he 

was then asked if he wanted some 

says: 

The Glasgow Rangers' manager flies to Kabul to 

watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably 

impressed and arranges for him to come over. 

Two weeks later Rangers are 4-0 down to Celtic with 

only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young 

Afghani striker the nod and on he goes. 

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes 

and wins the game for Rangers. 

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are 

delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his 

mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. 

Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 

minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and 

we won. Everybody loves me the fans, the media, 

they all love me.' 

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my 

day. 

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I 

were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has 

joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that 

you were having a great time.' 

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, 

but I'm really sorry.' 

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody 

fault we came to Glasgow in the first place!' 


two men fishing on a boat .after trying several places they found a spot loaded with fish when they 

got back to shore one said we should have marked that spot and put a ball in the water the other 

said i did better than that i put a cross on the boat where they were. his mate then said what if we 

cant get the same boat 

red light says: 

a slug says to his wife " i'm just going for a walk " his wife replies " don't be too long " 


looking to escape from prison paddy said to mik if i shine this torch on top of the wall you could 

climb the beam he said no way if i get halfway you might put it off 

Rob says: 

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? 

The holocaust. 


young red indian chief came to britain to see what life was here. after visiting several girls found it 

was all oral when he went back to his tribe a young buck asked how you get on chief plenty pokem 

? no plenty smokem 

Veedub says: 

Today I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. 

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. 

I said to him 'you idiot! You are supposed to turn your clock back' 


A man goes to a psychiatrist and says,every night when I got to sleep,I dream I'm making love to 

a biscuit tin,Wot do you think is wrong with me Sir?Oh' that's easy,Your'e F.....g Crackers. 

Veedub says: 

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a Couple of Swan Vesta's, his 

little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the 

bottom of his Cage. 

Veedub says:

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of Tossers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an 

aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist bathplugs. I mean, it's not as if 

she'd have to reverse the bl00dy thing! 

penny says: 

A piece of string went into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender replied we dont serve string 

in here.so the string hopped outside and ruffled the top of his head. then he hopped back into the 

bar. a beer please, bartender said " Aint u that bit of string that just came in here ".NO the string 

said ," im a fraid knot ". 

Theo says: 

Wife was looking in the bedroom mirror, not happy with what she saw. She said to Husband, "I 

feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." 

Husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." 

Theo says: 

Q: How do you know it's a virgin daiquiri being served? 

A: No straw.... 

Theo says: 

Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino? 

A: The people who pray in a casino really mean it. 


1: What do you call a really really good joke? Somebody else's. 

2: What is the essence of a really really good joke? If I knew that... 

3: Are men funnier than women? Well, I'm currently still alive. 

4: Do men tell better lies than women? Well, I'm currently still alive. 

5: Why is it impossible to make up a really good joke? Need I ask? 

6: Finally, why am I still here wasting my time writing this stu- 

Veedub says: 

St Peter says to God "Hey Boss, one of the hinges on the Pearly Gates has broken off" 

"Don't worry" says God, "Jim'll Fix It" 

Veedub says: 

I was so sick of trick or treaters last night I turned all the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Sod 

the ships. My lighthouse, my rules. 

Mr. S. Caunce says: 

I bought 8 legs of venison for 100 quid last week.. is that too dear!!!!!!! 


A Loan for Kermit 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name 

is Patricia Whack. 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief 

and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's 

okay, he knows the bank manager. 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I

have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly 

formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and 

disappears into a back office. 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to 

know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the 

tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" 

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a 

loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." 


Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. 

The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. 

The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But the third old lady . . . 

she couldn't reach that far. 

peter amphlett says: 

Why aren't there any aspirins in Colchester? Coz the paras eat them all 

Veedub says: 

My mate Shaun swallowed a whole load of Xmas decorations. He's now suffering with "tinsel-itis" 


It's like the joke why is 6 scared of 7? 

Because 7,8,9 

Veedub says: 

A guy gets shipwrecked and, when he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't 

believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red 

birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting 

to turn dark red too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think that I've been marooned!" 

In reply to an earlier post on 2 Nov 2011 18:17:39 GMT 


I'm in trouble with my husband. 

We were in bed naked and he asked me what I would like to do most with his body. 

'Identify it' apparently, wasn't the right answer. 


Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts. 

Dear Phil 

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car 

stalled and wouldn't start. 

I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with 

our 19 year old babysitter. 

They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. 

Can you help me... I'm desperate. 

Dear Reader 

The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. 

Hope this helps. 

Phil 

Veedub says: 

Tolio 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of

their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom 

removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled 

and weird. 

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. 

... 

"You mean polio?" she asked. 

"No, tolio .. The disease only affected my toes." 

When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again asked 

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" 

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. 

"You mean measles?" she asked. 

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." 

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. 

"Don't tell me," she said. 

"Let me guess... 

Smallcox 

Veedub says: 

A Scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun, and a gamekeepers pouch. Peter 

Jones says "So what's your idea?" the Scouser replies................................... "It's a very simple 

concept Peter, just put the money in the bag!" 

M. Nash says: 

A guy gets home from work and says to his wife "the milkman told me today that he's had an 

affair with every women in this street except one" 

His wife replies "I bet it's that snob at no. 27" 

(And I cleaned that up) 


Okay, here's one. 

A confused man happened upon The Stream Of Consciousness. Standing at the edge, utterly 

transfixed by the surreal beauty of it's gleaming ripples, he looked down and sighed: "Sometimes, 

I just wish it was possible to say something stupid yet intellectual yet profound all at the same 

time...and in the wake of its conclusion enthrall and impress beyond measure anyone who 

happened to be listening." 

The Stream Of Consciousness replied: "You've come to the right place, just relax and let your mind 

drift into the uninhibited areas of your psyche. Absorb the elemental embrace of the universe and 

let the flow of eternity direct your speech. Then you will achieve your goal." 

The Man looked up in wonder and said: "Holy sh-...talking water!" 

Veedub says: 

HEALTH MESSAGE 

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give 

a hoot. 

It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years. 

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. 

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so. 

I'm retired! Go around me! 

Muffles87 says: 

Did you know that 70% of all statistics are made up on the spot...?! 


A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'Do you have any towels?'. 

'No' says the barman, 'I'm afraid we don't.' 

'Oh,' the duck says. 'Do you have any towels?' 

'No.....' says the barman. 'No towels.' 

The duck looks at him and says, 'Do you have any towels?' 

The barman shouts at the duck 'No we don't have any bloody towels and if you ask once more I'm 

going to nail your feet to this bar!' 

'Oh ok ', says the duck. 'Do you have any nails?' 

'No' says the barman 

'Do you have any towels?' says the duck. 

Lorrie says: 

whats red and invisible? No tomatoes! 

2 chimps get in the bath, one goes " oooh oooh " the other goes "if it’s still too hot put some cold 

in !!" 

Veedub says: 

Man goes to his GP with a cucumber in his left ear and a banana in his right ear, a carrot up his 

nose. He asked his doctor "What's wrong with me?" "Hmmmmmm......" said the doctor, "Looks like 

you’re not eating properly". 

Doris says: 

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. 

He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well 

ask them. 

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while 

standing up. 

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a 

preference for it." 

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do 

that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On 

and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave 

Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. 

Adam was so excited he just started peeing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he 

wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feed away - 

laughing with delight all the while. 

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're stuck 

with the other thing I have left." 

"What's it called?" asked Eve. 

"Brains," said God. 


Adam and Eve were in the Garden of eden,When Eve turns to Adam and says,:are we white or are 

we black? Adam says to Eve I don't know, So, Eve says,why don't you go and ask God?go on 

please as I weant to know,So Adam summons up all his will power and trundles off.About an hour 

later he retuns to Eve,and says wer'e White;How do you know asks Eve?Well replies,Adam,God 

said you are what you are,he didn't say you Is wot you Is,( think I'm in trouble again P,x 


Why did the chicken decide not to cross the Atlantic? 

He didn't know how to charter a ship. He also preferred roads. 

Spoff says: 

Did you hear about the ice cream seller who forgot to buy flakes..? He had 99 problems that day 


Q: Why do kids, big or small, have such annoyingly short attention spans? 

A: Because they- is that the time? Hmm, bit hungry now, maybe a sandwich...er, is it Wednesday 

today..? 

Theo says: 

Here's another one of Theo's many stolen gems. Judging by the vintage of a lot of the stuff you 

review you may recognize it. I'm having a little trouble getting this one through Amazon's rather 

puritanical censorship software though. First, here's the question: 

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? 

A: Because he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken. 


why did the chicken cross the road? to get away from the pervert 

why did the pervert cross the road? he was stuck to the chicken 

Anji says: 

what do you get if you come across a sheep and a kangaroo?? 

Wooly Jumper! lol 

Mr. E. A. T. Helsby says: 

Couple in bed, he rubs his wife's shoulder and she says "not tonight dear, I have a gynaecologist 

appointment in the morning and I want to be fresh" After a bit of grumbling he rubs her shoulder 

again and says "you haven't got a dental appointment, have you"? 


Man goes to see the doctor: "Doctor", he says, "every time I eat bananas, I s**t bananas. And 

every time I eat peas, I s**t peas. And every time I eat cabbage, I s**t cabbage. The same with

everything I eat...what's wrong with me? What should I do? 

The doctor thought about things for a second, then looked at him sternly: "I suggest you eat s**t, 

you irritating t*rd - now get out of my office and stop wasting my time and the taxpayer's 

money!" 


A monkey in a tree is smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and asks to join him. 

After an hour or so the little lizard gets thirsty and tells the monkey that he is off to the watering 

hole to get a drink and then he'll come back. 

The lizard gets to the watering hole but is so high that he accidentally falls in! Luckily a passing 

crocodile saves him and returns him to shore. 

'what's wrong with you?!' asks the crocodile. 

'I'm sorry' says the lizard, 'I've just been smoking with that monkey in the tree and I'm really 

high.' 

'Sounds like fun' says the crocodile, 'I think I might go and join him!' 

So the crocodile walks up the path to the tree where the monkey is. 

The monkey looks down in surprise and says 'Dude! How much did you drink?!' 

Theo says: 

This guy is sitting next to his comatose wife at the hospital when the nurse comes in to check her 

vitals and IV. She asks him if his wife moved at all or if there was any response to his voice and he 

answers no. As the nurse is leaving she turns and says "You know, there is one controversial 

technique you could try". He asks what it is and she answers, "The most intense feeling is sexual, 

and sometimes they will respond to oral sex. If you would like to try, I'll shut the door and make 

sure you are not disturbed." 

The guy agrees to give it a try and after about five minutes every alarm from her monitors starts 

ringing and all the lights are blinking. The Dr. and nurses all run in and ask him "What happened"? 

He answers "I'm not sure but I think she choked." 

Veedub says: 

WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN. 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You 

have to be in Cahoots with someone. 

...I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have 

made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work. 

I would like to go to Conclusion, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity 

anymore. 

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up 

the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Old Fox says: 

The Dali Lama walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me One with everything." 


VANDALS DESRTOYED SOME ROAD SIGNS RECENTLY, THEY PULLED OUT ALL THE STOPS. 



It is well known... 

Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up. 






Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 

Life is sexually transmitted. 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him 

a sandwich. 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet 

and they won't bother you for weeks. 

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't 

help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs... 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 




In reply to an earlier post on 4 Nov 2011 13:38:00 GMT 

Theo says: 

I think the phrase is "Life is a sexually transmitted disease". 

Word. 





Theo says: 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night." 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" 

She says, "That he did, Father ..." 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 

She says, "He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun." 

Reply to this post




Theo says: 

You know, when it all comes down to it, this does sound like the good life... 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-96-percent-of-humans-would-rather-beanimatr,21152/?utm_source=recentnews 





Last edited by the author on 4 Nov 2011 19:30:29 GMT 


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posts.] 

................................................. 

A man walks into a pub, stops, smiles and says to himself: "If this had been a joke, I'd have gone 

'OUCH'!" 

The barman overhears him and, rather enigmatically, replies: "How do you know this isn't a joke?" 

He's about to expand on that, when: "Oh, 'scuse me, I'd better serve the Englishman, Irishman 

and Scotsman. Tree fellers, apparently" He walks off. 

The man sighs. Something is just not right. Next to him at the bar is a horse. It looks very fed up. 

"Why the long face?" asks the man. The horse turns slowly towards him and replies: " I ordered a 

hot radish sandwich but I've no time to eat it here." 

"You could always eat it on the hoof" the man says, helpfully." The horse glares at him and turns 

away just as the barman comes back. "So, how can I help you, sir?" 

The man considers this for a moment: "Well, apart from the talking horse, you could explain to me 

just what you meant, for one thing." 

"Things aren't always what they seem" says the barman, "perhaps you should go out and walk into 

a lampost." 

The man is beginning to cotton on. "Ahh...maybe I'll do just that." He spins on his heels, straight 

out of the pub and walks into the nearest lamp post. "Ouch!" 

Nose bleeding, he walks back into the pub. "OUCH!!" 

The barman appears and helps him inside. "That's no joke!" screams the injured man. 

"I think you'll find it is." says the barman. 

The Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all nod in agreement. 

"You see, we're at the whim of The Next Line, so we are." 

"The Next Line? What's that?" says the man. 

The Irishman puts down his Guinness and blackcurrant and says: "The writer doesn't know how to 

end this. I imagine he'll try padding it out now, so he will. 

"You sure about that, Paddy?" 

"As sure as eggs is eggs, Jocky." 

"You really think so?" said John Propername, "I can't imagine anything so lame as just running out

of steam." 

"He's doin' it now, so he is." 

"Really?" 

"Aye, can't you tell?..he's relyin' on stereotypes, we're losin' our identities." 

"Not me!" 

"Who said that?" 

"Er, me." 

"Who's 'me'?" 

"Oh my God, will you all just shut up!" said the man 

"How come you're still identifiable?" 

"Who said that?" said everyone else. 

"This is ridiculous" continued the man, "All I did was walk into a pub." 

"And a lampost." 

"Shut up, barman!" 

"Actually, that was me, the Scotsman. I'm even losing my accent." 

"You so are, so you are...oh bejeezus! What are we going to do?" 

"Well" said the man, "I'm getting out of here, but don't any of you dare follow me. Do you follow 

me?" 

Amid mumblings and grumblings of discontent, the man steps out into the fresh air. Walking 

carefully past every lamp post, he stops suddenly, deep in thought. "No, I'm going to break this 

spell, whatever it is, and do what I want." He turns the corner and sees another much more 

welcoming pub, 'The Circle Of Life, and walks straight into it. 

"OUCH!!!" 


Waiter, Your thumb is in my soup! 

"I know" says the waiter "I'm keeping my thumb warm" 

"well why don't you stick it up your bum" said the annoyed customer 

"I do when I'm in the kitchen". 

Veedub says: 

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens 

he kept in the hen house behind the church. 

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered 

That the c0ck was missing. 

He knew about c0ck fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. 

During mass, he asked the congregation, 

'Has anybody got a c0ck? ' 

All the men stood up.. 

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck? ' 

All the women stood up. 

'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck that doesn't belong to 

them? ' 

Half the women stood up. 

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. 

Has anybody seen MY c0ck? '

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. 

Veedub says: 

King Arthur loses his job, gets made redundant. 

Goes to the job centre. 

Guy there says "King Arthur, it's your lucky day. I've got a week's jousting for you, at Camelot." 

"Great" replies King Arthur, "freelance?" 

"no" says the guy, "you have to bring your own" 

Veedub says: 

A guy goes to the psychiatrist. 

"What's your problem then?" asks the shrink. 

"My wife treats me like a dog!" says the man. 

"OK, lie down on the couch and tell me about it" 

"Sorry I can't, I'm not allowed on the couch!" 

Veedub says: 

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, 

the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the 

police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the 

line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake." 

Veedub says: 

Numbers 

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught 

me." "Good. What comes after three." 

"Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your 

dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the kid. 

Veedub says: 

An Englishman emigrates to Australia, and buys an enormous house with acres of land. He's been 

there a few weeks, loving the amount of space he's got - his nearest neighbour is 15 miles away. 

One day the phone rings. "G'day cobber", says the voice on the line, "This is Bruce, your 

neighbour - I'm in the ranch about 15 miles West of you. Listen, I'm holding a barbie tonight, 

wondered if you fancied coming along ?". 

"That's really kind of you, I'd love to", says the Englishman. "What have you got planned ?" 

"Oh, the usual stuff. Bit of sex, bit of drinking, bit of sex, bit of eating, bit of sex, bit of singing, bit 

more drinking - oh, and a bit of sex to finish off with". 

"Sounds great", says the Englishman, "What shall I wear ?" 

"Wear what you like, cobber, it'll just be the 2 of us". 

Veedub says: 

The Perfect Password 

A woman was helping her husband set up his 

computer, and at the appropriate point in the 

process, the computer advised him that he would now 

need to enter a password, something he will use to 

log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood 

and figured he would try for the shock effect to

ing this to his wife's attention. So, when the 

computer asked him to enter his password, he made 

it plainly obvious to his wife what he was 

entering by stating each letter out loud as he 

typed: 

P...E...N...I...S 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the 

computer replied: 

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH **** 

Veedub says: 

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any 

Racial or ethnic minority, so try this one: 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, 

An Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a 

Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an 

Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a 

Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a 

Buddhist and an African went to a night club. 

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai." 


Proverbs 

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. 

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. 

Man who run in front of car get tired. 

Man who run behind car get exhausted. 

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 

Man with one chopstick go hungry. 

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. 

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. 

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. 

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. 

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. 

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. 

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. 

Man who farts in church sits in own pew. 

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time. 

Crowded elevator smells different to midget. 

Theo says: 

The LORD Jesus Christ returns in the second coming. Unfortunately, nobody pays any attention to 

him. So Jesus says to St. Peter, "Peter, what do I have to do to get these people to listen to me"? 

"Hmmm", says Peter. "Well, last time when you walked on water, it really bowled them over. So 

how about doing that again"? 

"Good idea", says Jesus. So he walks out onto a river... And sinks. He tries again... and sinks. 

Finally, he tries a third time, and still sinks. So he turns to St. Peter and says "I don't know what's 

wrong! It worked so well last time"! 

"Yeah", Peter says, "but back then you didn't have holes in your feet". 


Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex 

has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told 

the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, 

"But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I 

have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." 

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He 

told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life 

and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life 

and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. 

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church 

from then on. 

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the 

motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He 

said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps 

me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" 

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another 

contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the 

contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped 

to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. 

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your 

Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me 

too!" 

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me 

what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case 

comes up next Thursday. 

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I 

ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she 

asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but 

now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, 

you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."


Amazing anagrams 

"Dormitory" - Dirty Room 

"Evangelist" - Evil's Agent 

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and 

arrows of outrageous fortune." Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our 

insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." 

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes 

a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!" 

“President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns." 

"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It 

"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots 

"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em 

"Animosity" - Is No Amity 

"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler 

"Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's 

"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class 

"Semolina" - Is No Meal 

"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet 

"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place 

"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake 

"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one 

"Contradiction" - Accord not in it 

"George Bush" - He bugs Gore 


Message to the Mysterons: How to destroy Captain Scarlet...blast him and Cloud/Sky Base with 

the ColourBlindotron. Easy when you know how. 

"S.I.G. Spectrum is G-, er R-, er...oh, SH*T!!" Big explosion follows. 

Goodnight. 

Old Fox says: 

I'm an exporter. 

"Really, what do you export?" 

No, I used to be a porter, but I got laid off. 


Cat speak

Miaow 

Feed me. 

Meeow 

Pet me. 

Mrooww 

I love you. 

Miioo-oo-oo 

I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up. 

Mrow 

I feel like making noise. 

Rrrow-mawww 

Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box 

Rrrow-miawww 

I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was 

practical. 

Miaowmiaow 

Play with me 

Miaowmioaw 

Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room? 

Mioawmioaw 

Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on 

this handy piece of furniture 

Raowwwww 

I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. 

Mrowwwww 

I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that 

visit to the vet. 

Roww-maww-roww 

I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub 

myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen. 

Gakk-ak-ak 

My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I 

shall leave it here upon the carpeting. 

Mow 

Snuggling is a good idea. 

Moww 

Shedding is pretty good too 

Mowww! 

I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so 

unkindly. 

Miaow! Miaow! 

I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the 

stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult 

to navigate. 

Mraakk!

Oh, small bird! Please come over here. 

SsssRoww! 

I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal. 

Mmmrowmmm 

It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself. 

Mmmmmmm 

If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied. 

Mreoaw 

Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish. 

Mreeeow 

Do you serve catnip with that? 

Mroow 

I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing? 

Miaooww! Mriaow! 

Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and 

pampered cat. Please continue. 


Rules For Men 

1. The Female always makes The Rules. 

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules. 

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all 

of The Rules. 

5. The Female is never wrong. 

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of 

something the Male did or said wrong.) 

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.) 

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time. 

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female. 

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset. 

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to 

be angry or upset. 

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times. 

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a 

wimp. 

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the 

Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void! 


What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? YOU GET BUTTERED UP. 

Veedub says: 

Little boy comes home to his dad and says "I just got my first part in the school play! I play a man 

who's been married for 25 years". "Never mind son - Maybe next time you will get a speaking 

part!!!" 

Veedub says: 

Paddy goes to confessions, "Bless me father, I had sex with Fanny Green every week for last 

month!". Priest gives him 5 Hail Marys for penance. 

Murphy goes in next, "Bless me father, I had sex with Fanny 

Green twice a week for the past month!". He gets 10 Hail Marys! 

Priest enquires who this woman is and is told she is new in town. Next morning at mass a beautiful 

woman sashays up the aisle wearing a green mini skirt and matching green shiny shoes. She sits 

in the front seat, her long slender legs slightly apart - Sharon Stone style! 

The priest and altar boy cannot take their eyes off her. The priest composes himself and whispers 

to the altar boy "Is that Fanny Green?" "No", he says "I think its just the reflection off her shoes!" 

Veedub says: 

Four-time bride 

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. 

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already." "Of 

course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk. "Unfortunately 

not.", the bride explained, "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk 

about it. "My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. "My third 

husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him." 

Veedub says: 

Tampons 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles the salesgirl notices him and 

asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She 

directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and 

a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons 

for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get 

me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I 

figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!" 

Veedub says: 

A man is washed up on a desert island, alone for months. One day he's sitting on the beach and 

sees a splashing out to sea. As he watches, this beautiful girl in a wetsuit swims towards him. She 

approaches and asks him how long he's been here. He can hardly believe his eyes, and tells her 

she must be mirage, he's been alone for so long he must be going mad. 

"No", she said, "I'm real enough. So you've been here for months? I bet you could do with a 

drink!” As the man watches in amazement, she unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pull out a 

bottle of 25 year old single malt. The man greedily guzzles down several huge mouthfuls. 

"And tell me", she asks, "When was the last time you had a cigarette?" With that, she unzips a 

pocket on the other side of her wetsuit and pulls out a sealed tin containing cigarettes and a 

lighter. The man takes one and sits there in pure ecstasy, smoking and drinking. 

"Now tell me", she says, slowly unzipping the front of her wetsuit, "When was the last time you 

played around?" 

He says, "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!!"

Veedub says: 

sharing of marriage.... 

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one 

pile in front of his wife. 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he 

began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and 

whispering. 

Obviously they were thinking, ' That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of 

them. ' 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy 

another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing 

everything 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her 

husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. 

This time the old woman said ' No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. ' 

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man 

again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ' What is it 

you are waiting for? ' 

She answered -- 

' THE TEETH. 

Veedub says: 

Plain nurse to pretty nurse "Have you seen that Welshman in Ward 3 who is tatooed all over? I 

was giving him a bath this morning and I noticed he's even got LUDO tattooed on his you-knowwhat." 

Pretty nurse: "That's not LUDO, that's LLANDUDNO." 

Veedub says: 

Just like the old days 

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. 

Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along 

the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The 

guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. 

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that thirty years ago, or any 

time since that I can remember!" 

The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" 

Veedub says: 

The defendant 

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work 

early and found your husband in bed with a woman." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon 

which," continues the prosecutor, "you get a pistol and shoot your husband, killing him." "That's 

correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your husband and 

not his mistress?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting 

a different woman every day!"

Veedub says: 

You've got to hand it to them, the local monks in Las Vegas have moved with the times. They 

realised that after an evening's gambling, many punters left the casino with an odd chip or two 

laying forgotten in their pockets. So they posted signs around the area saying they'd be happy to 

accept them as donations to keep the monastery running. 

They've negotiated with all the casinos, and agreed that if they can sort the chips according to 

which establishment they belong to, the casinos will buy the chips back from the monastery at 

face value. 

One monk has been tasked with sorting the chips out. He's been given a briefing by the casino 

managers, and can recognise those that belong to each casino. Naturally, he's know as ....... 

……………The Chip Friar. 

Veedub says: 

A couple of Essex hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't 

seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. 

The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 

"My friend is dead! What can I do?" 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure 

he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" 

Mojo147 says: 

What does a tiled floor and men have in common? 

Lay them both well and you can walk on them for years!!! 


Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?, NO you can have turkey like everyone else. 

The young man Quit dating the telephone operator, because he felt disconnected, besides she had 

too many hang ups. 

What do you call a party for shy people ?..Abash 

What happens if you are in a love triangle? It soon becomes a wreck..tangle! 

Veedub says: 

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. 

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. 

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps 

away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his 

chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his 

chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman 

appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her 

dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, 

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. 

He just walked in." 

Christopher Murphy says: 

Virginity is like a bubble...one prick and its gone. 


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was 

really angry 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the 

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke 

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box 

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought 

the box back in the house. 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Bob has been missing since Friday. 


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know 

anything about making love. Can you explain it to me first?" 

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the 

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the 

prisoner in the prison. 

And then they made love for the first time. 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." 

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." 

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but 

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him 

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently 

born foal. 

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. 

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." 

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, 

OKAY! 

Keyboard Knight says:

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the 

doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people 

from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" 

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." 

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. 

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 


The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence. 

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" 

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," 

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants". 


SUPERGLUE>>>>> Stick to the Comedy Guys 

I went into a public toilet on my travels recently and was confronted by a man whose hands were 

shaking badly. He asked me to help him to open the zipper on his trousers. I had no problem with 

this, but when he asked me to point his Percy at the Porcelain I asked him why he could not do it 

himself and he said " I am just waiting for my nail varnish to dry." 


Veedub says: 

A doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use 

more calm in our lives. 

So I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished , so I finished off a bottle 

of Merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun 

scriptins, and a box of chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need 

inear piss. An telum u luvum. 

Veedub says: 

A lady who was about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was 

smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. 

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When 

on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man 

arrested. 

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man 

replied, "Well, your Honor. It was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but 

notice her condition. She sat under a sign that read: 'The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming,' and I had 

to smile." 

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that read: 'Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling,' and I 

had to grin." 

"Then she placed herself under a sign that read: 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could 

hardly control myself." 

"But, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read: 'Goodyear Rubber Could 

Have Prevented This Accident,' I laughed out loud." 

"Case Dismissed." replied the Judge.

Veedub says: 

She sends him the following message on SMS: 

My love 

If you're sleeping, send me your 

dreams 

If you're smiling, send me your 

smile 

If you're crying, send me your 

tears 

I love you... 

He replies: 

I'm in the toilet. 

What do I send? 

Veedub says: 

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies: 

Banking 'Service' 

Postal 'Service' 

Telephone 'Service' 

Pay TV 'Service' 

Civil 'Service' 

City, State & Public 'Service' 

Customer 'Service' 

Bureaucratic 'Service' 

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. 

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to 'Service' his cows. 

Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us! 

Fraz says: 

Question - What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract a man. 

Answer - Her knees. 

Veedub says: 

"Morning Sex" 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, 

wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, "You've got to make love to me 

this very moment!" 

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!" 

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then 

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 

"What was that all about?" 

She explained, "The egg timer's broken." 


A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most 

successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. 

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to 

charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my 

mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual 

income?" 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." 

"--or that mybrother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, 

"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, 

"leaving her penniless with three children?!" 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I 

give any to you?!?" 


A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar 

and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year 

old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - 

the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with 

my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife 

for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then the left, but nothing. She - even tried 

with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called 

up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter 

what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!" 


There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out 

of bed to go to his parents room. 

When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in 

the doorway, the kid ran away. 

The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he 

asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" 

The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to 

flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it." 

"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.

"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked. 

"Because every day when you leave for work, the neighbour lady comes over, gets on her knees 

and blows it right back up again. 

Veedub says: 

An ex-Royal marine goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. 

The foreman takes him around the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job. 

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the Marine. 

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the 

rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis 

and calls the secretary over. 

She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. 

The foreman gives her a jolly good rogering; after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, 

stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. 

"Easy as that", he says. 

"When do I start?" asks the fella, unable to believe his luck. 

"Monday, 8am sharp!" 

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to 

get in at 6.30am 

The production line duly starts up and the Marine faithfully counts out 100 ribbed black mambo's, 

(lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the 

light to check for holes then pulls it over his "old man" and calls the secretary over. 

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him. 

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says... 

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand" 

Veedub says: 

A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck 

up his arse. 

Doctors have described his condition as " STABLE"!!!! 


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man 

engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to 

listen. 

MAN: 'Hello' 

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?' 

MAN: 'Yes' 

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I 

buy it?' 

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really 

liked.' 

MAN: 'How much?' 

WOMAN: '$390,000' 

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' 

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. 

They're asking $2,950,000 for it'. 

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, 

we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really good value.' 

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' 

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths 

agape. 

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?' 

Techno Whiz says: 

Question: What is Russia's most famous billiard Player called? Answer: Inoff The red 

Stephen S. Monroe says: 

It was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog. 


TV INDUSTRY LATEST 

Channel Four is looking for people who have difficulty communicating with each other to take part 

in their new series called 'Shy Talk'. 

BBC2 is looking for retired farmers who still live in the countryside to contribute to their new 

programme called 'Shire Talk'. 

And BBC3 is planning a new one-off special featuring the adventures of a rubbish bird of prey 

called 'Sh*te Hawk'. 

The controversial 'Shi'ite Talk', has been postponed indefinitely. 

Jim Buttress says: 

Paddy strolling along a tow path, he spies a man of the cloth, ducking a young man's head into the 

water. A moment or two later, the young man climbs out of the water and points to the clergy and 

tells paddy that he thinks he's found Jesus. 

So paddy wades out to the clergyman, who promptly pushes paddy's head under the water. 

After which, the clergy asks paddy, if he's found Jesus. 

After the third ducking, paddy gasped to the clergy, "before I go under again, are you absolutely 

sure this is where Jesus jumped in"? 


Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to 

college to get ahead. 

The first went in to see the counsellor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked. 

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" 

"I sure do." 

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. 

"That's real good!" said the redneck. 

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a 

house." 

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" 

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." 

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" 

The redneck was catching on. 

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the 

professor. 

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take 

that logic class!" 

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his 

friend was still waiting. 

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. 

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. 

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. 

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. 

"No," his friend replied. 

"You're queer, ain't ya?" 

Mr. Gregory A. Jolley says: 

my next door neighbour sid is gutted.. he''s started calling himself ..s.. he's had too sum one as 

stole his .i..d 


Home-made bread...who kneads it? 

Eggs, on the other hand, cannot be beaten. 

But whoever said the Irish grow their rice in paddy fields is just taking the mickey. 


Chef's Square Shaped Soups Show How A Good Soup Should Be. 


Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Sixty-six less than are tracking this 'discussion', apparently. 

Keyboard Knight says:

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, 

the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle. 

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. 

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. 

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, 

responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. 

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY 

species. 

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. 

Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? 

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. 

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. 

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. 

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." 

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third 

condition. 

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500." 

Veedub says: 

When told the reason for daylight savings time, the old red indian said, "Only our government 

would believe that you could cut off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom and have a longer 

blanket." 

Veedub says: 

Mrs hunchback comes home with a Wok, Oh goody says the hunchback are we having stir fry for 

tea? No says Mrs Hunchback I am just ironing your shirts. 

Veedub says: 

If spare ribs are spare, how come my local Chinese Takeaway charges a fortune for them ?.... 

Veedub says: 

I was sitting watching the football last week on the BBC and it said you could get interactive by 

pressing the red button on the remote. 

I pressed mine and the telly went off... 

Veedub says: 

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions 

stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and 

they would send an inspector to interview them. 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. 

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. 

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. 

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. 

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week 

along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." 

"That'll be me then," said Paddy. 

Ade says: 

What has two wings and a halo? 

A Chinese telephone. 

Keith F. Fowler says: 

I once knew a clever magician who turned his car into a field... 

penny says: 

Once a king always a king , once a knight is not enough ....... "Watership Down " you've read the 

book , you've seen the film - now eat the pie ..... Is miss Smith free ? no, but she’s very 

reasonable .....AND the last one for now....Little bird flying high drops his luggage from the sky. 

Angry farmer wipes his eyes , thanking god that cows don’t fly…. 


An elderly couple were driving along a country lane, and the lady at the wheel was driving all over 

the place, A cop on a motor cycle pulls them over, and says to the lady who was quite deaf, Can I 

see your licence Mam? She turns to her husband sitting beside her and she says, Wot did he say? 

Husband replies, He wants to see your licence, The cop looks at it and says, I knew a woman that 

came from Coventry once, and it was the worst experience I ever had with a woman from there, 

She turns to her husband, and says, Wot did he say,? and the husband replies, He thinks he 

knows you. 

Veedub says: 

A change from the normal Englishman and an Irishman.............. 

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are 

driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of 

both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both 

agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man 

goes to theboot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the 

English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and 

harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over 

the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just 

wait till the Garda get here!'' 

Veedub says: 

Coming home from shopping tonight OH was watching me unwrap all 4 bars of Imperial Leather... 

"What are you doing, we aren't going to use 4 bars of soap all at once!" 

"No see, it's something I learned off my granny, if you unwrap the soap and store it in the airing 

cupboard it goes hard and therefore lasts longer" 

A slow smirk spreads on OH face and he quips ... 

"As long as you don't start stuffing me in the airing cupboard!" 

Veedub says: 

If i won the lotto 

Irish Dreaming 

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by

loaded up with rolls of turf. 

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win the lottery. ''What's dat?' says his mate. 

'Send me lawn away to be cut,' says Paddy. 

Veedub says: 

A Scottish man is being interviewed after winning several million on the lottery. The interviewer 

asks him what he plans to do with the money. 

"Well", he says, "Both my wife and I work 12 hours a day in very low-paid jobs. The first thing I'm 

going to do is go in on Monday morning and hand in my notice". 

"And what about your wife ?", asks the interviewer, "Will she be giving up work as well ?" 

"What !!??", replied the man, "Don't tell me she's won as well !! " 

Veedub says: 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they 

decided to get married 

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. 

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress 

The groom broom was handsome and suave in hie tuxedo. 

The wedding was lovely. 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groombroom, 

"I think I am going to have a little broom!" 

"Impossible !" said the groom broom 

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to Hurt!!!!!! 

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !!!" 

My mate reckons he always cries after sex.......Mind you, he is in prison. 


where would we be without satnav 

G. Saxby says: 

A company that only has a little more than 635 

employees, but, has the following employee statistics.. 

* 29 have been accused of spouse abuse 

* 7 have been arrested for fraud 

* 9 have been accused of writing bad cheques 

* 17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 

* 3 have done time for assault 

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 

* 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year 

and collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer 

£92,993,748 in expenses!!!

Which organisation is this? 

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons in the UK. 

Gorwill says: 

Does this mean we get a whole day to ourselves every leap year. 

Veedub says: 

DEAR DEIRDRE... 

I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. 

As i got a little excited and sweaty i turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms 

folded....watching me. Is she a pervert? 

Veedub says: 

One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She 

came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials 

for his home. She read . . . 

" And so the little pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me 

sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the 

class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said 

"I think he said...'Holy sh*t! A talking pig!' 

Mr. Stephen J. Knott says: 

Two snakes talking,one says to the other are we poisonous,the other one says why? the first one 

says because I have just bitten my tongue. 

Veedub says: 

My mate, a farmer had a hair-brained scheme to breed genetically modified 

sheep that were twice the size of normal ones. 

To do so he had to re-mortgage his house to finance it but things didn't go to plan, and although 

the sheep were larger they weren't as big as he'd hoped. 

... He couldn't afford the repayments on his loan and the bank repossessed his house and land, 

leaving him with just his sheep, nowhere to live and penniless. 

The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes. 

Veedub says: 

Male Fairy Tale 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess Will you marry me? The Princess said 

NO...and so the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and became a Marine and 

made love to skinny big breasted woman and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and 

dated women half his age and drank whiskey beer and patron tequila and never paid child support 

or alimony and ate what he wanted and screwed cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and 

never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggen 

cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up...The end 


did you know the the leader of zimbabwe robert mugabe is really a yorkshire man mugabe 

backwards e ba gum 

N. J. Littlewood says: 

A penguin walks into a bar. Said to the barman, 'have you seen my Dad?' 

Barman says, 'Don't know mate, what's he look like?'

Veedub says: 

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. 

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. 

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. 

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet." 

Well, it was an immediate hit. 

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, 

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris .. 

Their first night there, she undressed as he did 

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. 

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" 

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still 

mourning." 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. 

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his 

birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .. 

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" 

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences" 

Mr. M. R. O'Kane says: 

My Auntie is a lollipop lady.......Really tall & skinny with a big sticky head! 


Did you hear about the budgie in the pet shop that got the sack? 

It had its hands in the Trill. 

Theres a GPS for bird watchers It does tern..by tern directions, 

When walking down the aisle, there are three words on the brides mind, 

Aisle...Alter...Hymn. 

Gorwill says: 

"The egg was my downfall": the chickens predecessor 


Organ donors ..put their heart into it. 

What should I do if I see a spaceman?...Park in man. 

Why did the bald man leave nothing in his will? 

He had no hair apparent! 

I'm not saying my dad was bald,But you could see what was on his mind. 

penny says: 

A clever commercial female had prices tattooed to her tail. and below her behind for the sake of 

the blind, a duplicate version in braille. 

mr says: 

two oranges sitting at a bar one says to the other "your round"

Mr. C. Mathieson says: 

3 cows in a field; which one is on holiday? The one with "THE WEE CALF" 

Veedub says: 

A man goes to the doctors. 

"Doctor I have a mole on my penis" 

The Doctor says "go behind the screen and remove your trousers and pants" 

After a close examination the Doctor, tells the man " I will remove it this time, but, next time I will 

have to report you to the RSPCA. 

Veedub says: 

Sunday Morning Sex 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie 

went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old grandmother and comfort her. 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother 

replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday 

morning.' 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100 

years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh, no, my 

dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to 

do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow 

and even. 

Nothing too strenuous, simply 'IN 'on the Ding, and 'OUT' on the Dong.' 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ....................................... 

'He'd still be alive today if the Ice Cream Truck hadn't come along.... 

Veedub says: 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting 

,'13....13....13' 

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see 

what was going on. 

Some #%&@#head poked me in the eye with a stick. 

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... 

Veedub says: 

There's a guy riding through the desert on his camel. At some point, his camel breaks down, so 

the guy takes the camel on his shoulders and walks on. After a few miles he reaches this garage in 

the middle of the desert, with a very bored-looking mechanic in it. 

"Hi, can you fix my camel?" 

"Sure, get it on the ramp." 

So they put the camel on the ramp, the ramp goes up, and the mechanic makes sure the balls of 

the camel lie nice and exposed. He then gets a sledge hammer and whacks the camel's balls with 

all he's got. 

WHOOOOOOOOOOSH goes the camel, out of the garage, off to the horizon, and all that's left to 

see is a faint cloud of dust. 

"Right, that's your camel fixed. Ten quid." 

"Yeah, really great, I must say! And how am I now supposed to get my camel back, if you don't 

mind?!?!" 

"Get up the ramp, mate." 

Veedub says:

If you doubt dog is man's best friend, then try this. 

Get two cars - don't have to be the same make, but similar model and colour takes uncertainty out 

of the exercise. 

Then lock the missus in the boot of one car and lock the dog in the boot of the other one. After 

half an hour, come back and let them both out and see which one is REALLY HAPPY to see 

you................ 

R. H. A. Beurcht says: 

A stuttering guest in Italian diner has 6 spa as he wanted to order spaghetti. 

Veedub says: 

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old 

clothing. I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could 

play with her breasts. 

I thought, that's fair, t1t for tat. 

Veedub says: 

Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts. 

Dear Phil 

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and 

wouldn't start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with 

our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going 

on for two years. Can you help me...I'm desperate. 

Dear Reader 

The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in 

the fuel lines. 

Hope this helps. 

Phil. 

D.A. says: 

Got kicked out of my local swimming baths today. Very confused until I got home and realised the 

"s" had come off my speedos. 

Veedub says: 

Two Irishmen on the plane, the captain announces over the tannoy, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have 

to inform you that one of the starboard engines has failed. I assure you there is no cause for 

alarm, but unfortunately it does mean we'll be about 1/2 an hour late arriving at our destination". 

5 minutes later - "Ladies and gentlemen, we've now lost one of the port engines. I promise you 

there is no danger, but our estimated arrival time will now be about 1 hour later than scheduled". 

10 minutes later - "Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to announce that the second starboard engine 

has also failed. Again, I assure you there is no cause for alarm, these aircraft can fly perfectly 

safely on one engine. It does mean, however, that we'll now be approximately 3 hours late 

arriving at our destination". 

Paddy turns to his mates and says, "Begorrah, if that last engine goes, we'll be up here all day !" 

Veedub says: 

A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what will happen to you?" 

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..." 

Doctor: "Hmm...that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen then?" 

Patient: "I will not be able to see..."

The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???" 

Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..." 

Veedub says: 

Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. 

Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?" 

David thinks for a moment and says... 

"Wear four out there Romeo" 

Mr. Kw Johnson says: 

I took the shell off my racing snail to try and make it faster. It just made it sluggish. 

Miss N. L. Henry says: 

my friend David got his ID taken off him. we now just call him dav. 

Veedub says: 

Husband Down 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA 

The husband picks up a case of Tennants and puts it in their trolley. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 

'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies. 

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price.' 

He never knew what hit him. 


it does not matter which political party you vote for the govenment always gets in 

Old Fox says: 

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Red, Fred and Bob. As they... start their 

descent, Bob slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body 

away, Fred says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife. 

Red says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser Fred says, 'Where did you get that 

beer, Red' 

' Bob 's wife gave it to me,' Red replies. 

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 

'Well, not exactly', Red says 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bob 's 

widow." 

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' 

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' 

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff. 

Veedub says:

There’s a shortage of fruit at the supermarket. It’s enough to make a mango crazy. 

Woman Friday says: 

I didn't realise I was dyslexic until I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.... 

sam tm says: 

Order now for Christmas... The new radio1 Xmas CD with the cover versions you never thought 

you'd hear: 

Susan Boyle - Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me; 

Stevie Wonder - I can see clearly now; 

John Terry - Ebony & Ivory 

Katie Price - like a Virgin; 

Rihanna - hit me baby one more time; 

Michael Jackson - the drugs don't work; 

Joseph Fritzl - love shack; 

Stephen Hawking - Im still standing! 

C. Moran says: 

How did the farmer find his wife - HE TRAC TOR! 

penny says: 

What do u call a hippies wife ? Mississippi ; Where do big cats go to for enterainment ? Lion 

dancing! 

pacothepiddler says: 

Last night I drunk some Tippex instead of liquid Viagra. This morning I woke up with a huge 

correction. 

M. Rowland says: 

Duck walks into a chemist: "Give me some lipstick, and put it on my bill". 

stacka says: 

what do you call a wizard with a cold? Harry Snotter 

Veedub says: 

I wondered if you would like to buy a 42 inch HD Samsung TV with full surround sound, for £50. 

The volume button doesn't work but for that price you can't turn it down!! 

Veedub says: 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really 

hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the 

passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of 

his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone 

would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking 

with a cane. She said, 

"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" 

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" 

The little old lady said, 

"Did we land, or were we shot down?" 

Veedub says: 

I asked for a 'Cow Boy outfit' for my birthday...Do you know what I got? Ryanair !!! 

Veedub says:

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. 

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c0ck out, that I realised she wanted 

to rent her spare room out!! 

Veedub says: 

BREAKING NEWS...... BREAKING NEWS.............. A boat carrying red paint has collided with a 

boat carrying blue paint. 

All the crew have been marooned 

Veedub says: 

An Eskimo is on holiday in Wales, his hire car breaks down. A passing local stops to help. He pokes 

around under the bonnet, then says "Ah, I see the problem, you've blown a seal". 

"So what", says the Eskimo, "You shag sheep, but what's that got to do with the car ! " 

Veedub says: 

Just walked passed my fridge and heard the onions in there singing some 'Bee Gees' songs. 

So I opened the fridge door and realised it was just the chives talking! 

Just had some roast Pelican at my local restaurant. It was quite tasty, but the bill was enormous!!! 

B Davidson says: 

I was eating at a curry house when I heard the news that R.E.M. had split up. I was so shocked 

that I passed out, that’s me in the korma! 

Veedub says: 

Don't Take Drugs.... 

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The 

judge said:.......... 

You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I 

want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them 

to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.' 

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one: 

'How did you do over the weekend?' 

'Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever.' 

'10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?' 

'I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) 

is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.' 

'That's admirable,' said the judge. 'And you, how did you do?' (to the 2nd guy) 

'Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever.' 

'50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!' 

'Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is you're 

a$$hole before prison....' 

Veedub says: 

"Remember those scary noises when you are left alone in the house? 

Happened to me the other day. 

I then remembered 'Whenever you feel alone, just whistle a happy tune' 

So I whistled a happy tune. 

Then I felt a hand round my neck and someone’s saying, 

'Thanks’ for the whistle, I thought I'd never find you in the dark'!"

Veedub says: 

How old do you have to be before you die of old age? 

If love is blind how can you have love at first sight? 

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it to the centre of the Earth? 

Do colour-blind people dream of a green Christmas? 

Why would anyone want to put a square peg in a round hole? 

If feathers tickle why aren't birds always giggling? 

What shape is the sky? 

If cod liver oil is so good for you why don't cod live longer? 

What do Chinese and Indian people go out for? 

Veedub says: 

I May be Old but I'm not Deaf... 

An elderly gentleman... 

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to 

the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of 

hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the 

doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really 

pleased that you can hear again." 

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. 

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed 

my will three times!" 

Veedub says: 

Today I got chased for shoplifting.................. 

I nicked a joint of beef today and the security guard chased me and shouted 'oi what you doing 

with that' 

'carrotts, brocolli and yorkshire pud' I replied. 

Veedub says: 

Those Damn Hospital Regulations 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being 

discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found 

one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a 

suitcase at his feet, who insisted "he" Didn't need my help to leave the 

hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me 

wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom 

changing out of her hospital gown." 

Veedub says: 

An Elderly Conversation...... 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre was sitting on a 

bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 

"Slim, 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do 

you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." 

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" 

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." 

Veedub says: 

My mate's a Trade Union Rep, he always tells his son a bedtime story. He begins 

with...................................... 

"Once upon a time-and-a-half......... 

Veedub says: 

Breaking News..... Breaking News...... A Gypsy has recently won the Irish Lottery, Oh Yes!! He's 

been paid in ..................................................Travellers Cheques 


An elderly patient went to the doctors and he said doctor I think I need help, 

Do you remember those voices that I kept hearing in my head, for years, Yes replied the doctor. 

Well, they have gone, 

That's good replied the doctor, so what's the problem? 

I think I might be going deaf, said the man. 


Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions 

stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and 

they would send an inspector to interview them. 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. 

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. 

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. 

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. 

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week 

along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." 

"That'll be me then," said Paddy. 

sam tm says: 

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in 

front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver 

to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the 

driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one 

hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. 

"What happened?" asked Posh . 

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their 

beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." 

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh. 

The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow." 

sam tm says: 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: 

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. 

The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking 

our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, 

and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said. 

"Very good," the teacher replied. 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for 

the meat market. One day we had a 

dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 

'Don't count your chickens before they're 

hatched'." 

"That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a 

plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she 

had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down 

so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 

seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more 

with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that 

horrible story?" 

"Stay away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking." 


I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! 


Went to drs i said i think i have a problem with my testicals he asked me what sort of problem one 

testicals is lower than the other two is that normal 

Carolyn Clocherty says: 

Why did the private detective have a piece of paper and a pencil? 

because he was trying to trace someone 

Veedub says: 

I suddenly realised that my parents didn't like me, when they bought me a toaster, a microwave 

and radio as my bath toys................ 

Veedub says: 

It's the annual world chess championships. After the first day's play, all the competitors are milling 

around the hotel lobby, discussing tactics and crowing about their victories that day. The manager 

comes through and says he's sorry, but his going to have to ask them to all go up to their rooms. 

"Why ?", they ask, "We're not causing any trouble". 

"I know", says the manager, "But I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer". 

I suppose I should have saved that one for a bit nearer to Christmas, really..................... 

This young lad is out drinking, and starts chatting to a much older woman. He's only 23 years old, 

she's 49 and looks damn fine for her age. One thing leads to another, and the talk starts to get 

suggestive. 

"Tell me", says the woman, "I know a lot of men fantasise about being with a mother and 

daughter together. I wondered if you'd be interested ....". 

Well, they can't get back to her place fast enough. She opens the front door, leads him in, and 

shouts up the stairs, "Mum, are you still awake ?"

Veedub says: 

why does a golfer always take a spare pair of socks when he goes golfing???????. In case he gets 

a "hole in one". 


Veedub says: 

After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.. 

He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she 

does,"ok craw reery reery fast back" 

As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I 

ever sor, dat why u get no man" 

She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease" 

Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your 4rse 


Veedub says: 

Child interrupts parents making love. 

Startled parents say to child "were trying to make you a brother or sister." 

Child replies "Can you do it doggy style so that I can have a puppy instead." 

Veedub says: 

a proton walks into a bar, says "can I have a dubonnet and blackcurrant", the barman winces and 

asks "are you sure????????????????" yes replies the proton, I'm positive 

Mr. MM Dance says: 

Prince Charles was on a walkabout in Sunderland when a Mackem asked "That's a funny hat you're 

wearing. What's it made of?" Charles replied "It's made of fox fur. Mummy asked me where I was 

going today, and when I told her, she said "Oh, well wear the fox hat"" (think about it) 

bakesy says: 

police are investigating after a man was shot with a starting pistol - they think its race related. 

Bubbles says: 

What's Black & White, & crawls along the ground ? A wounded nun . . . . . 

Veedub says: 

Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was "dependent on alcohol" to make it through the final 

Harry Potter films.......Well that makes two of us. 

penny says: 

Two Irish men were walking down the road , when they spotted a sign saying " Tree fellers wanted 

". Mick turns to Paddy and says " What a shame there are only 2 of us” 

penny says: 

not too bad J get the peanut spread out friend ,,,, (p) What do u call a French man wearing 

sandals ? Philipe Phalop! 

penny says: 

The first sign of madness is finding hairs on the palm on your hand , hav u found any ? i shave 

mine off ,,, (p) 

penny says: 

Or , Old golfers never die they only lose their balls...... (p)


Two female rhinos at the zoo were eagerly awaiting the arrival of a male Rhino, When it arrived 

the two females went over and introduced themselves, 

The first one said, My name is Linda. The second one said, My name is Sharon, 

HI’. Said the male, My name is Neil. 

Oooooooo' they thrilled. Not the Rhino Neil? 


What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in wales ? A leisure centre 


Two men talking in a pub one says to the other what’s your pet hate? He don’t like me to take him 

from behind 


Heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 


The boss was off to a meeting and said can I use your Dictaphone; I said no use your finger like 

every else! 

Carradale says: 

Man entering Butcher's Shop: Can I have a Mince Round? 

Butcher : OK but be quick. We close in a couple of minutes. 


why did the ghoul get thrown out of the Halloween party ? He put the willies up all the guests 

misery says: 

The reason women’s work is never done...... is because they don't get up early enough! 

sam tm says: 

Sex during pregnancy 

A man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?" 

The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months 

you should do it like a dog, and the last three months you should do it like tiger." 

The man replies, "Tiger?" 

The doctor explains, "Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women!" 

sam tm says: 

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and 

starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an 

erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me? ‘The 

man replies, 'No, what do you mean? 'She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule 

here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me. 'Smiling, she leads him to the side of 

the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his 

way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he 

sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for 

me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.’ You must be new,' says 

the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily 

spins him around, bends him over a bench and 

has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by 

the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership 

card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee. ‘But, Sir,' she 

replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. 

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 

times a day 

Theo says: 

A guy gets on a plane with 6 kids... A woman says "awww, are these your kids?" 

The man says, "No. I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints..." 


man "i can't come to work, I’m sick boss said when I’m sick I have sex with my wife; try it. Later 

the man calls back; it worked I’m better - by the way your bedroom wallpaper is nice! 

penny says: 

A man asked what would u rather have Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s Disease ? his friend replied 

Parkinson’s as I’d rather spill some of my beer than forget where I put it ! 


Man had a sex change his mate said to him dint that hurt having your privates off no not as much 

as when they shrunk my brain and widened my mouth 


A guy walks in to a chemist and asks can I have some Viagra. The assistant said, sorry I need 

some medical proof; the man shows her a photo of his wife! 


men should always follow two rules; 1st a woman is always right; rule 2 if a woman is wrong see 

rule 1 


I wear the trousers in this house she just tells me which ones. 


Caught my wife watching a cooking program i said you cant cook she replied you watch porn 


there are three types of people in this world those that count and those that can't 

C-Eagle says: 

what is the differance between a buffalo and a bison? You can't wash your hands in a buffalo 


was in supermarket and saw a packet of sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on it showing him 

holding a sausage on a fork it said on the packet prick with a fork; cant disagree with that 


A chicken and apig were talking and drinking together in a bar one night, 

Whan the chicken said.Why don't we go into business together and set up a restaurant and sell 

Ham and Egg meals,

Not so fast said the pig,for you it's just a days work. 

For me it's amatter of life and death. 

walnut says: 

I have a BLACK FRIDAY song!! 

Stick a pony in me pocket 

I'll fetch the suitcase from the van 

Cause if you want the best 'uns 

And you don't ask questions 

Then brother I'm your man 

Where it all comes from 

Is a mystery 

It's like the changing of the seasons 

And the tides of the sea 

But heres the one thats driving me berserk 

Why do only fools and horses work 

La la lala - la la la la la (etc) 

We've got some half priced cracked ice 

And miles and miles of carpet tiles 

TV's, deep freeze and David Bowie LP's 

Pool games, gold chains, wosnames 

And at a push 

Some Trevor Francis track-suites 

From a mush in Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush, 

Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush 

No income tax, no VAT 

No money back, no guarantee 

Black or white, rich or broke 

We'll cut prices at a stroke 

God bless Hooky Street 

Viva Hooky Street 

Long live Hooky Street 

C'est magnifique Hooky Street 

Magnifique Hooky Street 


drug users in yorkshire have found a way to get a quick high they inject ecstasy straight in to their 

gums; it’s called e by gum 

Veedub says: 

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the 

teacher calls his name. 

"Yeah teach?" he replies. 

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are 

left?" asks the teacher. 

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make 

them all fly off." 

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're 

thinking." the teacher responds. 

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream 

parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is 

married?" 

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one 

that's sucking on the ice cream." 

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're 

thinking!"

Veedub says: 

Guy goes into a cake shop. Points to a cake and asks the price. Baker says "1 pound". Guy asks 

for several other prices and get the same response, 1 pound. Finally picks a cake and the baker 

says "That's two pounds, please". Guy says "All the others are one pound". "Ah", says the baker, 

"That's Madeira Cake" 

Veedub says: 

Breaking News......... Breaking News.......... 

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM 

because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.. A condom allows for 

inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you 

a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. 

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that! 

Ashok Bali. says: 

"A man is but the product of his thoughts 

What he thinks, he becomes." 

Veedub says: 

9 months later!!! 

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. 

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby 

farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently 

widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be 

gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in 

for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. 

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few 

minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive 

widow he had met on the ski weekend. 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from 

the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob. 

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 

'She just died and left me everything.' 

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep 

that smile for the rest of the day!)

Veedub says: 

The Scottish Cow.............................. 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a 

cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced 

lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. 

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about 

their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried 

to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow 

would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. 

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was 

happening and ask his advice. 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she 

moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the 

one side, she walks away to the other side." 

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, 

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow 

over from Scotland . 

You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland? 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: 

"My wife is from Scotland 


Three old men were talking about their aches and pains and body functions, One said, I wake up 

every morning at 7 and it takes me 15 minutes to Pee, 

That's nothing said the second. I get up every morning at 8 and it takes me half an hour of 

straining to get a bowel movement, it's terrible, 

The 3rd said, every morning I Pee like a horse, at 7,Crap like a cow at 8. 

So what's your problem? They ask? 

I don't wake till 9! 

Veedub says: 

Paddys wife gave birth to triplets. ''How in Gods name did that happen?" says Paddy. His wife 

replies, ''Remember that night I was very dry and we had no vaseline, so I used 3 in 1 oil?'' 

''Bejaysus," says Paddy, "I'm feckin glad we didn't use WD40!!'' 

Mr. Jamie Rowley says: 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot? 

walnut says: 

(Mother-in-Law Jokes!) 

"My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' 

So I said: 'Why?' 

and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'. 

"My mother-in-law said 'one day I will dance on your grave'. I said 'I hope you do, I will be buried 

at sea.'" 

"My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year

we're having a change. We're going to let her in." 

walnut says: 

Hair Growth 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a 

male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was 

experiencing. 

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving 

me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." 

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just 

where has this hair appeared?" 

"On my b%ll*cks!" 


sam tm says: 

Yesterday I was at the local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my old dog and was 

in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm a farmer and have little to do, on impulse I 

told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably 

shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in 

intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your 

pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is 

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that 

practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I 

ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb 

to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

I'm now banned from the Co-op. 

Susan R. Scarf says: 

Bear walks into a bar puts his paws on the bar and after 10mins he says to the barman pint of 

lager please the barman says why the big pause the bear replies well im a bear arent i 

Robert Hillis says: 

Wot do you call a camel with 3 humps......wait for it....Humphrey......I'll get me coat!!!! 


a woman in court insisted she had had sex with a ghost the judge said hes never heard of it he 

asked the court room as anyone had sex with a ghost a man put his hand up and said he had the 

judge called in to the witness box and swear on the bible that he as had sex with a ghost the man 

said or sorry i thought you said a goat 


From this years Fringe: 

Tim Vine - "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." 

Veedub says: 

I have just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I took rather a lot of abuse for 

my floral tribute in the shape of a lifebelt, but as I told everyone at the service, it's what he would 

have wanted!

Noni says: 

What's the fastest cake in the world? Scone! 

Glynis Lofty says: 

what do u call a fly witout any wings ? A currant 

chunky says: 

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach have for their dinner? Half an hour 

Veedub says: 

- The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got 

very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. 

I thought to myself "She's going through the change." 


I got arrested for stealing a calendar I got 12 months 


A man announced he was about to marry a young actress,on his77th birthday.Do be careful his 

doctor warned him.Prolong sex at his age could be fatal, 

The old man shrugged, if she dies she dies. 

sam tm says: 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." 

sam tm says: 

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a 

tractor.. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been 

getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter..... 

hammer says: 

a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer, the barman says for you...........no 

charge! 

Mariew0 says: 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly 

and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk." 

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon." 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree 

loaded with bacon. 

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind 

of cured pork. 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a

acon tree!" 

With that, Luis is so weak he staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres; Pepe weakly 

crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. 

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: 

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" 

"Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it?" 

"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. Ees... 

Ees.... 

Ees... 

Ees... 

Ees... 

Ees... 

Ees.... a ham bush." 

SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for posting this. I just couldn't help it! The 

voices made me do it!!! 

And I bet you tried to do the accent, didn't you? I know you did! 


naked man rushed into a sweet shop and robbed it he run out chased by the sweetshop owner 

down the street past the toy shop past the bakery past the post office but the sweetshop owner 

caught him by the cobblers 

Bazza says: 

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo 

sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I 

had your will power.' 

R says: 

What's brown and sounds like a bell? 

DUNG!!!!!!!!! 

R says: 

This was sent to me by a Scots mate of mine! 

Hardy Scots... 

50°F 

People in Southern England turn on the central heating 

People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants 

40°F 

Southerners shiver uncontrollably 

Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs 

35°F 

Cars in the South of England refuse to start 

People in Falkirk drive with their windows down 

20°F 

Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats

Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts 

15°F 

Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent 

People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry 

0°F 

Life in the South grinds to a halt 

Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold 

-10°F 

Life in the South ceases to exist 

People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket 

-80°F 

Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on 

Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers 

-100°F 

Santa Claus abandons North Pole 

People in Perth put on their 'long johns' 

-173°F 

Alcohol freezes 

Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut 

-297°F 

Microbial life starts to disappear 

The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands 

-460°F 

All atomic motion stops 

Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands 

-500°F 

Hell freezes over 

Scotland will support England in the World cup 

A Hopkinson says: 

What do you call a camel with no humps....Humphrey :) 

Mr. Frank S. Harrison says: 

What do you call a fly with no wings........ a walk. 

Veedub says: 

I read in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. The truly 

horrifying thing about this is statistic is that it means three out of four women aren't receiving the 

medical treatment they need!!...... 

Veedub says: 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 

1. Money does not buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 

2. Forgive your enemies but remember those bastard's names. 

3. Help someone when they are in trouble...... and they will remember you when they're in trouble 

again. 

4. Many (again MANY) people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. 

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again.....neither does milk

Veedub says: 

Guy goes into a cake shop. Points to a cake and asks the price. Baker says "1 pound". Guy asks 

for several other prices and get the same response, 1 pound. Finally picks a cake and the baker 

says "That's two pounds, please". Guy says "All the others are one pound". "Ah", says the baker, 

"That's Madeira Cake" 

Veedub says: 

A Irishman, an Italian and a Greek walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The barman looked at 

them suspiciously and demanded to know who was paying. 

They grinned, and 

said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "The Germans". 

Veedub says: 

Breaking News........ Breaking News....... If Greece pulls out of the Euro, it is going to be a real 

drachma 

Veedub says: 

My irritable Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? 

Me, innocently: It's not my fault.................I ran out of money. 

Veedub says: 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician."Doctor," the man 

said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't 

possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black 

hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool". "It isn't possible," the 

man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," 

said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit 

ashamed."I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every 

few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently."It's rust." 

Veedub says: 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. 

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she 

suffered a bee sting. 

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the 

clubhouse for help and to complain. 

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you 

back in so early? What's wrong?" 

"I was stung by a bee", she said. 

"Where", he asked. 

"Between the first and second hole", she replied. 

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide." 

sam tm says: 

The last argument was his fault . She asked what was on tv and he replied "Dust " 

sam tm says: 

If you want your wife to listen to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

J. Nutbrown says:

After being married to the worst cook in the world for 40 yrs. A man arrives home from work one 

evening to find his wife in floods of tears, 

What’s ‘the matter darling ? he asks, 

It' a disaster she wailed, The cat has just eaten your dinner, 

Don't worry said the husband comforting her, I’ll get you a new cat. 


How do you know which is the front of a tree and which is the back of a tree? You go round the 

back of a tree for a pee/how do you get your own back pee into the wind/which is the fastest heat 

or cold ?heat you can catch a cold/just come out of hospital i had a mole on my penis removed last 

time i try having sex with one of them 


A man with wife in town shopping she sees some boots she likes hubby said no way they are too 

expensive that night in bed wife just started to fall asleep hubby put his hand on her private parts 

she turns round and said no way if you can’t shoe the horse you’re not riding it! 

Amazon UK Night Shift Cleaner says: 

Considering this was created last year during the Black Friday week it’s amazing to see it’s still 

going strong!! 

Bubbles says: 

Tampax are gonna be half price in December. But just for the Xmas period only............... 

S. Mawer says: 

Jelly baby goes to the doctor and says "doctor I think I have an STD". Doctor says "why, what you 

been up to", jelly baby says been "Fu**ing all sorts". 


Every time I go on holiday I like to try the local food last year in Spain went to a local butchers 

asked what’s good to eat he give me some massive meat balls in gravy took them home sat down 

and tucked in fantastic so had them 2days later on the 5th day of my holiday i went back to 

butchers got some more and asked what meat they were he said bulls balls i could not get over 

the size and taste so nice the last couple of days of holiday one final treat went and got some 

more got then home opened the foil take away container i was so disappointed the meat balls so 

tiny and different taste so went back to butchers to complain i said what the hell was that tiny 

meat balls at the same price the butcher replied the matador does not always win 

sam tm says: 

Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted to change his electricity supplier? 

He signed up with Paddy Power. 

M. V. Parmley says: 

... for which the other one was arroasted! 


put my socks on this morning found an hole in them so i turned them inside out so the hole was 

on the inside Sorted ! 

Joe Curran says: 

Chelsea have made an official complaint to the FA accusing Luis Suarez of abusing Fernando 

Torres. Supposedly He called him a striker! 

J. Nutbrown says:

To top up his pension a rertired man took up a job part time driving a taxi,He was driving along 

concentrating on the traffic as one would do,when the passenger in the back of the cab leaned 

forward and tapped him on the shoulder,The taxi driver screamed and swerved out of control 

straight into a wall,The man in the back said,I'm so sorry I didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder 

cud be so terrifying,It's not really your fault said the taxi driver,But today is my first day driving a 

cab,for the past 39yrs Iv'e been driving a hearse. 

Miss J. Barnes says: 

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner " 

Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad" Robot slaps the son! "OK i watched a 

dvd at a friends house" "What dvd?" "Toy story". Robot slaps the son again! "Ok it was porno" 

cries the son! Dad yells "What when i was your age i didn't know what porno was" Robot slaps the 

dad. Mum laughs "He's certainly YOUR son" Robot slaps the mum 

sam tm says: 

Old boy tells receptionist what Doc he wants to see, receptionist asks what for? So he says I have 

a problem with my penis, to which the receptionist goes mad, "You should not say that in a room 

full of patients they will all be embarrassed now. 

"But you asked me and I told you". "well you should have said I have a problem with my ear and 

then expanded with your doctor". 

Old boy leaves and 5 mins later goes in front of receptionist again, who looks very smug and he 

says, "I have come to see the Doctor". "What about"?, she says. He says, " I have a problem with 

my ear", looking very toned she says, having thought she had won the battle, "what is wrong with 

your ear"? 

He says, "I can't piss out of it". 

sam tm says: 

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father 

was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?" 

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years." 

His father congratulated him said "That's good son. Maybe next time you'll get a talking role!" 

princess2home says: 

I took my health and safety exam last week. The question was What steps would you take in the 

case of a fire? I answered f****** big ones and failed! 

sam tm says: 

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna 

hear a dumb blonde joke?"! The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, 

the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are 

blind, that you should know five things... 1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is 

a blonde woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 - 

The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. 

blonde woman with a PhD, a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude. Now think about it 

seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his 

head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." 


A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her 

life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw 

herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are 

off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take 

care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy." 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always 

wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but 

comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he 

would bring her sandwiches and some red wine and make love to her 

until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a 

routine inspection. 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain. 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He 

brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." 

"I see," the captain says. 

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry." 

A. Alcock says: 

Oh, OK then. The only way to titillate an ocelot is to oscillate its titalot. 

A. Alcock says: 

Message for Albert.... are you still selling those dodgy inflatable Russian women? Can I order a 

dozen? Damn....sorry....wrong Trotter..... 

Nigel says: 

I never believed in witches until she whispered those magic words and I turned into a 

lay-by. 

Mr. C. K. Johnston says: 

A chauffeur goes to a farmers door and explains - I am the driver for Cherie Blair who is on a UK 

book tour and I have just ran into the cow on the main road - well done, said the Farmer, have a 

drink on me 

Ablemable says: 

2 Cows in field. 

One said "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". 

The other one said "Bloody hell Mavis, I was just going to say that!" 


Two widows were siting drnking tea and talking about their late husbands. 

One turned to the otherand said,Did you have mutual orgasms? 

No,said the other,I think we were with the Prudential,(P)I ,mite scrape a 5 do you think?(J)xx 

prompton says: 

Why do skeletons not like parties? 

They have no-BODY to dance with! 

Mrs. Pam Satterley says: 

Farmers son comes home and says, Dad i just run over a pig with the tractor and its dead. the 

farmer says well you better go and bury it then, he says ok, what shall i do with his motorbike?


mary and joseph were in the barn the baby had just been born the 3 wise men came to bring 

presents they were all tall men the last on in smacked his head on a low beam he shouts out jesus 

chris mary said that a good name for the baby i was gonna call him fred 

GP25 says: 

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. 

redtedinbed says: 

Did you hear about the guy who broke into Draculas Castle? 

He got a bat in the mouth :)............. 

redtedinbed says: 

a guy walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Guinness he scoffs it in one after about 10 pints 

feeling a bit iffy he asks the barman do you sell shorts? Yes he said okay says the guy give me a 

pair I think I`ve shit myself. 

Mr Nick ITT says: 

Boy walking down the street with sulphuric acid in a jar, meets a Vicar 

Vicar says " whats in the Jar" 

Boy Replies " F@£k Off or I will throw this bottle of acid over you" 

Vicar says " thats not very nice, I know lets swap your bottle of acid for my bottle of holy water" 

Boy replies " why what does it do" 

Vicar says " well I rubbed this on a ladys stomach and she passed a baby" 

Boy replies " thats rubbish I rubbed this on a dogs Boll@cks and it made it pass a motorbike" 


woman sat in pub every time she bought a drink she looked round to see if anyone watching then 

dips her fingers in the glass and rubs her fimger on her fanny she finished that drink bought 

another and another did the same thing after a few drinks the landlord went over to her and asked 

what do you think you are doing everytime you buy a drink you dip your fingers in and rub it on 

the old jack and danny she replied i've just won the national lottery and this is the only c**t i'm 

buying a drink for 

Veedub says: 

Black Testicles 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, 

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, 

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure 

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. 

I'm only here to wash your upper body.' 

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, 

she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, 

lifting and moving them around and around gently. 

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong 

with them, Sir !!' 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. 

That was 

wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... 

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Veedub says: 

A Family Dinner table chat.... 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many 

Kinds of boobs are there?' 

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three 

phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In 

Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 

50, they are like onions'. 

'onions?' 

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' 

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how 

Many kinds of 'willies' are there?' 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through 

Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and 

hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. 

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 

'A Christmas tree?' 

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.' 

Veedub says: 

Them little fellas 

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ladies of the night and take Them to their 

separate hotel rooms. 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact 

that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, 

TWO, THREE ...UGH!" all night long. 

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did It go?" 

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." 

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I 

couldn't even get on the bed." 

Veedub says: 

The Tail of Two Bottoms.. 

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to 

identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. 

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty 

bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't 

Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to 

identify the body. 

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over" The mortician rolled him 

over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" 

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two @rseholes." 

"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician. 

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here 

comes Paddy with them two @rseholes...."

Veedub says: 

Is this a blonde Couple Or what.... 

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption 

centre called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him 

without hesitation. 

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could 

enrol in night courses. 

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, 

Veedub says: 

Those Damn Martians....... 

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent miles, 

Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and talking about all sorts of things. 

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. 

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. 

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples 

decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. 

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bed room where the Martian strips. He's got only a 

teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. 

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. 

''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" 

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" 

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. 

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 

"Well," she says,"That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." 

''No problem, he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and 

wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as 

they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. 

As they walk along, Mike asks Well, was it any good?" I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was 

damn good. 

How about you?" "It was horrible, "he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my 

forehead and pulling my ears " 

Gorwill says: 

Skeletons rattle because they haven't got the guts to f***. 


(P)Thanks for your concern,but the long and short of it is ,that I had a symble appear on my 

screen as I was answering one of your jokes,and unfortunatly I must have hit the wrong key and 

my reply to you was taken off,So,I may not be able to get back on site,In fasct you may not get 

this that I'm sending now,(J)x 

oracle says: 

I started this post during the 2010 Black Friday week due to the constant moaning with people 

who thought they had a right to bag a bargain etc. Moan moan moan moan. It's started again, no 

news there then. Thanks all to those who have contributed since last year. To the all moaners and 

groaners, agitators and amazon haters, give it a rest, wise up and tell us a joke to cheer us all up.

Crazybadger69 - (ollie) CHICKEN STICKS?!!! says: 

roses are red 

violets are blue 

i have Alzheimer's 

cheese on toast! 

Veedub says: 

Duck walks to the edge of the pavement looks each way. Chicken shouts "For goodness sake 

mate, don't. You'll never hear the end of it" 

Mrs. S. L. Nunn says: 

A bloke walks into a bar, ouch! 

R. Woolmer says: 

guy walks into a bar and pulls out a 12 inch pianist...wait i cant tell that one :) 

Veedub says: 

Did I read that sign right? 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 

In a Laundromat: 

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES 

OUT 

In a Memphis department store: 

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR 

FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

In an office: 

AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON 

THE DRAINING BOARD 

Outside a second-hand shop: 

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE 

ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: 

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 

Spotted in a safari park: 

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 

Seen during a conference: 

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST 

FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer's field: 

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

Message on a leaflet: 

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS 

On a repair shop door: 

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) 

Nick says:

why did yardley cream, because max factor 

Veedub says: 

Little Billy and his safety pin..... 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Little Billy goes to an Inflatable school which has inflatable teachers, inflatable headmaster and 

inflatable colleagues. 

Well........ Feeling particularly mischievous one day Little Billy took a safety pin to school. He stuck 

the pin straight into the school and smiled as it deflated. 

He stuck a pin in his best mate, run off to the headmasters office and stuck a pin in his startled 

headmaster. 

Little Billy then stuck a pin into himself and as he started to deflate, his headmaster looked at him 

and said: 

. 

. 

. 

You've let the school down 

You've let your mate down 

you've let me down and now you even let yourself down 

Pollytess says: 

The god of war had been dallying incognito with a young lady -he'd had such a good time that he 

decided to reveal his identity. 

"My dear ,I am Thor" 

"Tho am I, but I'm thatithfied!" 


A dyslexic bloke walks into a bra 

Pollytess says: 

Ask someone to touch thumbs with you ,then quietly hand then a piece of paper wirh this 

message: 

"I am a Martian.Our sex organs are in our thumbs.You have just been laid.Smile if you enjoyed it." 

sam tm says: 

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng? 

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind: 

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 

7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 

17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 

C4N R3AD 7H15. 

clik says: 

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my 20th anniversary secondary school reunion, and I 

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. 

My husband asked: "Do you know him?" 

"Yes," I sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up 

those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." 

"My God!" says my husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

Veedub says: 

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal 

to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins 

yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what 

is going on!" 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the 

meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" 

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." 

M. A. Wiles says: 

mucky joke: man fell in a bag of soot 


Bert and George were sitting in the park watching a pretty girl walk by/. 

Bert turned to george.and said,do you remember those Bromide pills they gave us in the war to 

stop us chasing after women? 

Yes said George,What about them? 

Bert said I think mine are beginning to work. 

Penny says: 

On top of old smokey all covered in grass, a bald headed eagle sat scratching his **** . Now dont 

get mistaken and dont get mlsled. that bald headed eagle was scratching its head.... 

Mrs. P. Livingston says: 

Why are pirates called pirates? 

Because they arrrgh! 

d3damm says: 

Was going out the other night and my wife spent ages in the bathroom, banging about. She finally 

threw open the door and said, "tell me, do i look fat in this?" I said "yes, but to be fair, its only a 

small bathroom!" 

JMD says: 

50" 3D TV for Sale. £50 but the volume button doesn't work. For that price you can't turn it down! 

JMD says: 

Office sign: 

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be 

taken. 

Theo says: 

English language sign seen in Japanese hotel: 

"Guests are invited to take advantage of the maid". 

Trigger says: 

this is actually true but i walked past a doctors and the doctors name was dr hans zoff. 


I thought I would tell you a joke about a ball of wool but it’s such a boring yarn I won’t bother 

Gorwill says:

(AT): Associate of Herr Kutt the barber? 

Veedub says: 

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. 

I told her I was looking for cheap flights. 

"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, jumped on me and made passionate love to 

me...........which is really odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.. 

Loz says: 

Which one came first egg or chicken? 

"I don't care I just want my breakfast!" 

NotKarl says: 

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field. 


Loz says: 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for 

forgiveness 

Bubbles says: 

Dog goes into the Butcher's shop with a note & £5 in his mouth. Butcher reads the note & gets the 

order for a pound of mince ready. 

Hang on, thinks the Butcher. I'll make it 2 ounces less than the pound, it's only a dog, he'll never 

know. . . . 

Dog growls . . . . . . "Damn" ! Says the Butcher. "Smart dog" ! Ok, he thinks, I'll short change him, 

& tries to pocket 50p of the dog's change. Dog growls, again! "Damn"! Says the Butcher. "That is 

one smart dog" ! 

So, order complete, & correct, the dog leaves the shop, closely followed by the Butcher, who 

wanted to meet the owner of such a clever mutt. 

Eventually, the dog enters a block of flats. With the Butcher watching his every move, the dog 

climbs a flight of stairs & proceeds to chap on a door. 

After a few seconds, the dog's owner opens the door, grabs the mince, & kicks the dog down the 

stairs ! 

The Butcher was shocked & confronted the owner. "Excuse me sir, why on earth did you do THAT" 

! "That HAS to be the smartest dog I have ever seen" ! 

"Smart"? Says the owner. "That's the third time this week he's forgotten his key" !!!!!!! 

NotKarl says: 

What do you do if you see a spaceman? 

Park your car, man. 

Bobby Dazzler says: 

2011 is a bad year no Jobs, no Cash, no Hope and no one to Fix It. 

M. Grice says: 

Did you hear about the magic tractor? 

It drove down the road and turned into a field. 

MCLOVIN says: 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they 

could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints 

of Guinness and two glasses of Whisky. 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any 

money!!' 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go 

on your knees and put it in your mouth.' 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me 

knees are killing me!' 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.' 

Veedub says: 

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not 

hear me?" 

Man,"Sorry i thought it was the start of Eastenders." 

Veedub says: 

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very goodlooking, 

she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! 

Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll 

scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, 

and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be 

called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened 

again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the 

baby's name, and he ran off. 

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she 

asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What 

will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby 

be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and 

said, "If he gets out of this one... Houdini! 

Veedub says: 

Concerned father to be........................ 

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam 

was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor 

said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late 

in the pregnancy." 

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." 

Veedub says: 

Don't forget if you get an email about Swine 'Flu, just delete it. . 

its only spam 

Veedub says: 

A guy finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie pops out and says, "I'll grant you any wish you 

want." The guy thinks and thinks and finally gives his answer: "I want to be hard all the time and 

get all the 'a$s' I want." "Okay, if you say so," the genie replied. And POOF! 

...................................................................................................................................He 

turned into a toilet seat. 

MysteriousGirl says: 

Two Irish men called Colin and Shaymus are walking down the street, when they come across a 

bra laying on the pavement... 

Colin goes to pick the bra up, when Saymus screams "No, Colin, don't pick it up, it's a booby trap." 

:s

Veedub says: 

Why the girls are better than boys? 

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about 

whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts 

saying 'Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!' Jane looks at him in 

astonishment, as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out 

crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on 

her face. 'My mum says girls are better than boys', she says. 'No they're not.' says Johnny pulling 

down his shorts, 'You haven't got one of these!' Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down 

her panties and says 'My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of 

those as I want!!' 

Stuart McIntosh says: 

guy goes into butchers and asks for "steak & kidley pie", butcher says " you said kidley 

"guy says "no i didley" 

Veedub says: 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pound coins to play 

with to keep him occupied. 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed 

the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. 

The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, 

shouting for help. 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee 

bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.. At the sound of the commotion, she looks 

up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up 

from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the restaurant. 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts 

to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy 

convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the pound coin to the father and walks back to her 

seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman 

and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was 

fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue.' 

Veedub says: 

I always have a cup of cocoa and a viagra just before going to bed 

the cocoa helps me sleep and 

the viagra stops me rolling out of bed 

Gerry says: 

My grandfather started walking at 65, now he's 97 and we don't know where he is. 

Veedub says: 

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to 

Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. 

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one

teacher and the boys would go with the other. 

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came 

out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the 

boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. 

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to 

show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 

'No, love,' he replied. 

"I'm riding Red Rum in the 2.15 

MCLOVIN says: 

Who was the only 20stone man to ride a derby winner? 

lester piggott's cell mate 

Neil Hardie says: 

"Doctor, I can't pronounce the letter F and I can't pronounce the letter T." 

"Well, you can't say fairer than that." 

K. H. Rowlands says: 

guy goes into garden centre[nicks a gate] when questioned guard replied he may take a fence ha 

ha!! 

Mr. J. R. Hallworth says: 

A guy is sat in his front room watching Match of the Day when the wife comes in from a few drinks 

with her friends. 

Wife: Do you fancy going upstairs and having a bit of fun? 

Husband: Can't you see I'm watching this?? 

Wife: You do know you can record it don't you? 

Husband: Oh, right. OK you go upstairs and get undressed and I'll go get the videocamera. 

PW says: 

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs ... 

What's the difference between weasels and stoats? Weasels are weaselly recognised, while stoats 

are stoatally different 

Mr. J. Fowler says: 

the owner of our local fish and chip shop has been arrested.he is accused of a salt and battery !!!!! 

Honeysuckle2310 says: 

Why are pirates called pirates?................Coz they ARRRRRRRRRR!!! 

Veedub says: 

I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene. 

Now some say I'm the fresh and bold type that theatre needs, others say that I ruined the 

nativity....... 

Veedub says: 

If spare ribs are spare, how come my local Chinese restaurant charges a fortune for them ?.... 





boxed water says: 

how many alzheimer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? 

to get to the other side 

I added diana to my xbox live friends list, she doesn't play games though 

spends her time on the dashboard 

holocaust jokes are really inappropriate 

anne frankly, they should stop 

how many alzheimer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? 

to get to the other side 

Veedub says: 

I was sitting watching the football last week on the BBC and it said you could get interactive by 

pressing the red button on the remote. 

I pressed mine and the telly went off.................... 

Veedub says: 

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " 

I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, 

sure." and the barman holds the bet. 

The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. 

Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do 

it again." So the barman holds the bet. 

Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight 

back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you 

$300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." 

The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. 

Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a real swine when you're 

drunk, Superman." 

Veedub says: 

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and 

peace into people's lives?" 

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and f**-king. 

Mr. D. Kidsley says: 

I just went round to visit my Grandma-she was so proud of herself i felt bad having to tell her she 

does in fact have to shave her tash as Movember is just for men 


I thought of starting up a chicken dating service but i could not make hens meet 

Veedub says: 

Good evening One and all...........

I met a nice lad yesterday who told me he had lived in Sellafield all his life. I asked "Haven't I seen 

your face somewhere else?" He said, "Possibly. It used to be on the front of my head." 

Veedub says: 

2 elephants drinking at the watering-hole. A turtle swims up, and one of the elephants stamps on 

it and squishes it flat. 

"What did you do that for ?" asks the other elephant. 

"I'll tell you why. 20 years ago, I was drinking at this very spot, and that $hitebag gave me a right 

vicious nip on the trunk". 

"20 years ago !", says his friend, "How do you know it's the same one ?" 

"Easy - I've got turtle recall". 


took wife and kids to blackpool pleasure beach she asked me if i had to compare he to any of the 

rides there which one would it be i thought for a moment then said the big dipper she aske why i 

said it old looks sh*t but still gives a good ride 

Veedub says: 

Genuine inflight announcement - ""In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will 

descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a 

small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling 

with more than one small child, pick your favourite." 

Kulula Airlines , South Africa 

Veedub says: 

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly 

dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to 

give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. 

He nearly died on us!" 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema 

every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" 

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first 

doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" 

oracle says: 



mary had a little lamb the mid wife died of shock / mary had a little lamb an ate it with mint 

sauce/definition of a farmer a man outstanding in his field 

Veedub says: 

One Drunk says to another,........ "Do you drink to excess?" his mate Shaun replies "Me? I'll drink 

to anything!" 

Veedub says: 

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, 

the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the 

police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the 

line................................................................................. "Never mind, I got in the back seat 

by mistake." 

Veedub says:

WOMAN'S ARS£ SIZE STUDY 

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. 

The results were pretty interesting. 

... 30% of women think their ars£ is too fat. 

10% of women think their ars£ is too skinny. 

The remaining 60% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade 

him for the world! 

Bubbles says: 

A factory boss was inspecting his workforce, so, he had them all lined up before him. 

As he went down the line, he commented on how well turned out they were. 

But,at the end of the row, he came upon a guy who looked like a burst mattress ! 

All dishevelled, torn shirt, torn jeans, & the sole hanging off one of his shoes. 

"No, no, no, no, no", says the boss. "I can't have any of my workers going around like that" ! 

So, he reaches into his pocket & pulls out his wallet, which was bulging with notes, & held shut 

with an elastic band. 

He carefully peels off the elastic band, hands it to the worker & says . . . . . . . 

"Here son. That'll stop your shoe from flapping just now ! 


whats a snow man favourite meal ? Ice burger 

Veedub says: 

Two Irishmen on the plane, the captain announces over the tannoy, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have 

to inform you that one of the starboard engines has failed. I assure you there is no cause for 

alarm, but unfortunately it does mean we'll be about 1/2 an hour late arriving at our destination". 

5 minutes later - "Ladies and gentlemen, we've now lost one of the port engines. I promise you 

there is no danger, but our estimated arrival time will now be about 1 hour later than scheduled". 

10 minutes later - "Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to announce that the second starboard engine 

has also failed. Again, I assure you there is no cause for alarm, these aircraft can fly perfectly 

safely on one engine. It does mean, however, that we'll now be approximately 3 hours late 

arriving at our destination". 

Paddy turns to his mates and says, "Begorrah, if that last engine goes, we'll be up here all day !" 

Veedub says: 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their 

family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the 

doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my 

specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !. 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple 

on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different 

positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, 

but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was 

done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to 

work with..' 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were 

crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly 

squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush 

my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right 

away..' 

'Tripod?' 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the 

hand very long.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Mrs.Smith fainted~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Love Texts............................ 

Girlfriend sends a text to her boyfriend: If you are sleeping send me your dreams! 

If you are laughing send me your smile! 

If you are crying send me your tear drops! 

Bloke responds: 

I am having a $hit£, what do I do? 

Veedub says: 

A cheesed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one 

night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I 

suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one 

go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's 

nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," 

cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" 


A middle aged couple were discussing their future together. 

The huaband announced.When I'm 80,I intend to find myself a pretty 20 year old and have the

time of my life. 

And the wife said ,and when I'm eighty,I plan to find myself a 20 year old hunk. 

And as you know 20 goes into 80 a lot easier than 80 goes into 20. 


was sat in a restaurant and the waiter came upto me while the wife was in the loo and asked what 

will the lady be having i said may be a sh*t 


young girl at the top of the stairs on a london bus wearing mini skirt and no knickers she shouts 

down to the conductor is this ealing he shouts back from here it looks like it could do with a couple 

of stitches 


An elderly lady walked into the recreation room of a nursing home, 

Holding her clenched fist in the air she announced,anyone who can guess what I'm holding in my 

hand can have sex with me tonight, 

An old man called out in a bored voice,An elephant' 

near enough she said,and dragged him off to her room. 

Veedub says: 


In an office: 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 


AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: 

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store: 

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY 

PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

In an office: 

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE 

DRAINING BOARD 





CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 


ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 



FLOOR 




WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Bubbles says: 

Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. 

SET a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life . . . . . 

Mr. P. Burns says: 

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic man that walks into a bra...... 

Paul Booker says: 

How do you stop a Fijian jumping in your bed? 

wiggle, wiggle, wiggle 

Outdated Email Jargon says: 

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a 

pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... 

Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in 

the accident and we were unable to find it." 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on... 

"The good news is that you've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the 

technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! 

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch." 

The man perks up at this. 

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. I think it's something you 

ought to discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for 

a nine incher, she might be a bit worried. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide 

only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays 

a role in helping you make the decision." 

The man agrees to talk with his wife. 

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" 

"I have," says the man. 

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. 

"We're having granite kitchen worktops." 

dotty doo says: 

l went to a carboot sale a few years ago and at one car they had one enamel sign that l bought 

and the lady said you have just missed the Titanic, l said thank god for that, it made everyone 

laugh. 

E. Norman-davis says: 

A woman and her husband are sitting on their balcony looking at the sun set and with a drink in 

their hands. 'I love love you' says the wife 'you are wonderful and i have no idea how I'd live 

without you 

'Is that you talking, or the wine' says the husband 

'It's me talking to the wine' 

wojciech simpson says:

old couple sat on a veranda talking about old times husband leans over and smacks wife she asks 

whats that for he says 40 years of bad sex she sits there thinking and fuming then turns to 

husband hits him he asks whats that for she said knowing the difference 

J. Astarte says: 

A blond and brunette what? 

Veedub says: 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel 

Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?" 

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going t...o call it Earth and it's going to be 

a great place of balance." 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, 

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America 

is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. 

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." 

God continued, pointing to the different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while 

this one will be very cold and covered in ice." 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's 

that?" 

"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful 

people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is 

the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The 

people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're 

going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and highachieving, 

and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth." 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said 

there will be BALANCE!" 

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South." 

TrimmTrabb says: 

Three backpackers get lost in the middle of nowhere. It's starting to get dark, so they start looking 

for 

somewhere they can sleep for the night. Eventually they come to a farm house, and the farmer 

says "Sure you 

can spend the night here, but all I've got is one large spare bed. You'll have to sleep in it 

together". The guys are 

tired, and there are no other options, so they all climb into the bed side by side and go to sleep. 

The next morning they wake up and the guy on the far right says "Wow, I had a great dream last 

night. I dreamt a really gorgeous young woman was giving me a hand job". The guy on the far left 

says "Wow!, I dreamt a gorgeous young woman was giving me a hand job too!". The guy in the 

middle says "I had a dream I was skiing" 


(P) Mam,I'ma Waiting in more ways than one,Sorry that your C.O.P.D. kicked in again,Joke time 

Me thinks,Now where is that woman,PANDORA! 

A middle aged woman decided to buy a selection of cosmetics to knock years off her age,After 

spening 6hrs applying the various creams and potions,She decide to ask her husband what he

thought. 

Tell me honest darling how old do think I look? 

The husband replied,From your skin 23,from your hair 19,From your figure 22, 

Oh you flatterer she gushed! 

Wait a minute,he replied,I havn't added them up yet,( well P, how'd I do )(J)xx 

Bubbles says: 

Doris wins a couple of grand on the lottery, so she decides to treat herself. 

She goes for a full make-over. Beauty treatment, new hair-do, new dress, new coat, etc. 

Crossing the street, she gets hit by a bus. BANG ! DEAD! 

On entering Heaven, God comes strolling by, so she pulls him up . . . . 

"God" she says, "I don't get it. First you gift me a lottery win, then I get hit by a bus. What's going 

on" ? 

God replies, "Christ, Doris ! I didn't recognise you" ! 

Loz says: 

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! 

Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can 

count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" 

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde 

mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear." 

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned 

our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!" 

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, 

Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear." 

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school 

we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, 

Mommy?" 

And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five." 

Loz says: 

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian 

opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump 

off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, 

if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde 

opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time 

im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" 

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That 

weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed 

him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes 

wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at 

me, he packs his own lunch." 

Gary says: 

A Man buys a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. 

He decided to test it at dinner: 

Dad: Son where were you today during school hours? 

Son: At school (robot slaps son) 

Son: Okay I went to the movies! 

Dad: Which one? 

Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!) 

Son: Okay I was watching porn. 

Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad) 

Mom: hahahahaha! after all he is your Son! (robot slaps Mom)

Mr. J. B. Davies says: 

police knock on paddies door to tell him that a dog has been chasing someone on a bike, F*ck off 

says paddy, my dog doesn't have a bike 

Loz says: 

Marmite lorry crash on M1. Some people will love this news, others will hate it .. 

Veedub says: 

Was it travelling Yeastbound???? LOL 

Veedub says: 

Two old ladies are sitting outside their old peoples' home having a smoke and a drink. It starts to 

rain, so the first old lady pulls out a condom packet, rips it open, snips the end off the condom and 

puts it on her cigarette. "What's that?" Mable asks. "It's a condom," Ethel says. "It keeps my 

cigarettes dry when it rains." "That's a good idea. But where do you get them?" "Oh, you can pick 

them up at any chemist shop." "I'll have to get some of those," Mable says. The next day, Mable 

hobbles off to the local chemist's. Inside, she goes straight up to the young assistant. "Do you sell 

condoms?" she asks. The assistant, obviously embarrassed by the little old lady asking for 

condoms, coughs and splutters a response. "Um, yes we do." He manages to regain his composure 

and continues. "What sort were you after exactly?" 

"Oh, I don't care, just as long as they fit a camel." 

Veedub says: 

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister 

that was expected at his house. 

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old 

was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher 

about the impending event. 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby 

brother or sister you were expecting at home?" 

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mummy ate it!" 

stickman says: 

anarachnophobia fear of spiders in weatherproof coats 

Loz says: 

At yeast nobody was hurt!! 

M. P. watson says: 

What do you do if you see a space man? 

Park in it man! 

sam tm says: 

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the 

rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 

967.7 visits per second.This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa 

has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the 

stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for 

him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that 

each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know 

to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78

miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This 

means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For 

purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 

27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The 

payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing 

more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, 

not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. 

Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be 

done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the 

payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the 

weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles 

per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as 

a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 

quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost 

instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their 

wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right 

about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.Not that it matters, however, since Santa, 

as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to 

acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be 

pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and 

organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. 

So when you look at the facts we can only come to one conclusion about Santa... don't let children 

read this next sentence... 

Santa is one f*****g incredible bastard! 

Mr. R. Edwards says: 

Two flies on a mirror. The one said to the other, "That's another way of looking at it". 

Mr. P. Campbell says: 

Why are there no headache tablets in France? 

Cos Paris et em all 

Veedub says: 

A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. "What can I get you Sir?" asks the 

barman. The man replies, "A pint of beer please, and one for the road" 

Veedub says: 

A man goes to a fancy dress party with a woman draped over his shoulders. On being asked who 

he has come as, he replied "A Tortoise!" Puzzled the host asks "Who's that on your back? 

"That" he says, "That's Michelle" 


What is the definition of nasal sex ? F**k nose 

penny says: 

Paddy & Mick are stoood at a bus stop, when a lorry passes them carrying rolls of turf. Paddy 

says"thats what im doing to do when i win the lottery. "whats that ? " asked Mick.Paddy replied 

"Send my lawn away to be cut "... Did u know that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not " HAPPY" ...... 

Jonathan Ross got arrested for stealing in IKEA . When interview he said "It was worth the whisk 

"...... 

donmar4 says: 

Scienists have fond what holds the sky up, road works, road works holds everything up. 


Bubbles says: 

2 guys on a camping trip, one quickly gets out of his tent & starts to hastily put training shoes on. 

His mate, peering out of his tent, says, "What are you doing" ? 

First guy: "I've just heard on the radio, a Lion has escaped from the zoo just up the road" 

Second guy laughs & says, "Putting those on ain't gonna help you, you'll never be able to outrun a 

Lion" ! 

First guy: "I don't need to outrun the Lion. . . . I've only gotta outrun YOU"!!!!! 

Loz says: 

And as the reindeer say before they tell you jokes .... 

These jokes will sleigh you! 

Loz says: 

How do you describe a rich elf? 

Welfy 

In reply to an earlier post on 1 Dec 2011 10:48:13 GMT 

Loz says: 

(p) How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? 

He looks at his calen-"deer"! 


Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her 

that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and 

rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. That's so clever" the woman gasps. "How did 

you do it?" 

"Easy" replies the man. 

"These are my khakis". 

Veedub says: 

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is directly proportionate 

to the severity of the storm that is on the way. 

Mr. P. Campbell says: 

Why did the tree fall down? 

Cos it thought it was a monkey! 

Loz says: 

What does Father Christmas call that three-legged reindeer? 

Eileen. 


Told that he only had 24hrs to live,a man in his 50s went home and crept upstairs and slid into 

bed,For the next 3hrs he made passionate love, 

Finally exhausted, he went into the bath room and was confronted by his wife to his surprise,and 

she had got a mud pack on. 

How did you get here he said ?loudly, 

Shuush, or you will wake mother she's in our bed tonight,(5ish) ... 

Loz says: 

The kid ran out of the burlesque show. 

The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.

The kid said, "My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it 

starting!" 


Patient: 'Doc, what's the news?' 

Doctor: 'Well, I'm afraid I've got some bad news, and some very bad news' 

Patient: 'What are you talking about?' 

Doctor: 'The bad news is that you've got 24 hours to live' 

Patient: 'OH MY GOD - what's the very bad news then?' 

Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday' 

Bubbles says: 

Man goes to doctors with a problem down below. 

Shows the doc his pen1s & says, "Look doctor, my w1lly has been turning black for the last week 

& a half" 

Doc says, "My, my. That IS in a very bad way" ! 

Man: "Oh, please don't tell me you're gonna have to amputate it, doctor" ? 

Doc: "Amputate ? Oh, no, no, no. No need to amputate my friend". 

Man:"Phew" ! 

Doc:"No, no. . . . . . .2 weeks and that'll DROP OFF itself" ! ! ! 

Mr. Paul J. Mahoney says: 

paddy and murphy started to riot and broke into argos, they/re still waiting at collection point c 

Mr. Paul J. Mahoney says: 

paddy and murphy started to riot and broke into argos, they,re still waiting at collection point c 

Bubbles says: 

Paddy says to Mick, "Mick, was it you or your brother that was killed during the war" ? 

Mick replies, "Sure, it couldn't have been me, Mick. I was never IN the army" ! 

Veedub says: 

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE 

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. 

He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" 

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." 

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. 

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex 

with her!" 

"Yeah?", says the hippie. 

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, 

so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in 

your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." 

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next 

Tuesday night. 

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, 

as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws 

back his hood with a flourish. 

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" 

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver! 


A woman walked up to wizand old man rocking in his chair outside his front door,I couldn't help 

how contented he looked, 

She said,What's your secret for along and happy life? 

I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day,I drink 4 bottles of whiskey,and I never take any exercise, 

That's amazing said the woman asking,How old are you exactly> 

36 he replied. 


thought of a great email address i was going to use i thought of chopped pork and ham but would 

be pointless as people would think it was spam 


Why do farts smell ? To benefit deaf people 


Why don't deaf people go bungee jumping ?they've never heard of it 


does rockwool come off a stone sheep 


did you hear about the chicken that ate an elastic band it laid the same egg 20 times 


why did the hedgehog cross the road ?to show his mates he had guts/to see his flat mates..why 

did the pervert cross the road he had his pe*is inside the chicken..why did the dinosaur cross the 

road its the chickens day off 

jt. says: 

A person of Eastern ethnic origin was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. 

"Your name please?" 

"Abdul Aziz" 

"Sex?" 

"Six times a week!!" 

"No, no, I mean male or female!" 

"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!" 

Courtesy of ... www.mycall.mobi/m/jokes.php 

Veedub says: 

ThIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! 

We Must Stop This Immediately! 

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther 

away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street 

had become! 

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in 

whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly 

mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip

eader? 

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my 

own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so 

much that she didn't even recognize me. 

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I 

glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used 

to be! 

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull 

onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the 

way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. 

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling 

a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom 

scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? 

HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? 

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is 

in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could 

ever find a number in there! 

All I can do is pass along this warning: 

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! 

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. 

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS 

CONSPIRACY STOPPED! 

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my 

computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were. 

penny says: 

What do u call a Spanish man without a car ? Carlos... or perhaps ..Paddy is caught speeding on a 

motorway. when he is stopped and asked by the police . paddy replied " On my licence its says 

tear down the dotted line "... 

Veedub says: 

Bus stop quiz 

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, 

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the 

bus: 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 

2. An old friend who once saved your life. 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about and haven't seen for years. 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there 

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue 

reading. 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of 

a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is 

going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take 

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the 

perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find 

your perfect mate again. 

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS..................... 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble 

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car 

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I 

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought 

limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.' 

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put 

her out of her misery because Cameron's NHS won't now pay for her 

hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet 

of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. 

Gosh, I just love happy endings! 

T. Morris says: 

What's ET short for? 

cos he's only got little legs! 

Charmaine says: 

What do you get if you cross a labrador with a rottweiler? 

A dog that scares the s*** out of you and runs away with the loo roll. 

18&5 says: 

A chap stopped me in the street today and said what do you know about dwarfs..... 

Very Little I said before walking off... 


As the pallbeares were carrying out the coffin of a woman that had passed away in he 70s,they 

accidently bumped the wall of the church doorway,To there amazement the lid of the coffin opened 

and the woman sat up large as life, 

She went on to live another 8yrs,and then died of a heart attack, 

As the pallbearers were taking the coffin into the church,the husband shouted MIND THE WALL. 

18&5 says: 

Bloke at the races says to Paddy " do you want the winner of the next race??" 

Paddy says " No thanks, I've only got a small garden"........ 

penny says: 

What do ghosts sing at the Snowmans xmas party ? "Freeze a jolly good fellow ".... what will u 

give me for that J perhaps a 3 ? (P)xx 


Sad news in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song and dance classic 'The 

Hokey Pokey' is dead at 93. His funeral went off with only one hitch - while transferring Larry to 

his coffin, they put his left leg in...........and that's when the trouble began. 


(P) heared that joke when I was 30yrs of age and that was 10 yrs ago, 

NOW!that's what you call a JOKE' 

Try this on for size,lovely lady, 

An Enlishman,Scotsman,and an Irishman,were sitting in a bar in New York, reminiscing about 

home,The Englishman said,In my pub in London if you buy 2 pints of beer you get the 3rd free, 

The Scotsman said,At my pub in Glasgow,if you buy 3 double whiskies, 

they let you have the 4th one free, 

That's nothing said the Irishman At my local bar in Dublin, if you have 6 pints of guinness, you get 

the 7th one free and then go upstairs and have sex for free, 

Is that true? asked the other two,Has that happened to you?

Well,no, not me personally admitted them Irishman,..But it happens to my sister all the time, 

...(p) Me thinks I'm stairing at 4 perhaps in the face)Jxx 

Mr. C. Miller says: 

did you hear about the gay magician?....disappeared with a poof 

penny says: 

YEP J that quite a goodish one ...marks 6 ..; The boy stood on the burning deck ,with a pocketful 

of crackers,the flames shot up his trouser leg and blew off both his ******* ..ANY GOOD J (p) xx 

S. Fletcher says: 

What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same. 

Veedub says: 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they 

won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe even years. 

Veedub says: 

So....since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered? or limited edition?.....:- 

HisNibs says: 

Use ANY nation - NO OFFENCE MEANT TO ANYONE - JUST HAVE TO CHOOSE SOMEBODY; 

Man goes to DOC. Doc says need new brain. How much? Doc replies £1000 for Scottish one, 

£10000 for English one, £1million for and Irish one . Why Irish one so expensive . Doc says NEVER 

BEEN USED !!!! 

Veedub says: 

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was 

spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little 

boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy 

before?' 

Veedub says: 

NUDITY 

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the 

convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the 

shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 

Veedub says: 

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note 

read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 

Veedub says: 

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. 

It was just After Eight. 

They got off at Quality Street . 

... 

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. 

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied. 

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her. 

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. 

Soon they were Heart Throbs. 

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. 

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch. 

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts! 

Veedub says: 

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times 

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a 

question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost 

control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large 

plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said 

"are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." 

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't 

realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my 

fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. 

Before this job I've been driving a hearse for 25 years." 

R. F. Cooke says: 

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards to get in the water?Cos if they didnt,they`d still be in 

the bl**dy boat!!!! 

R. F. Cooke says: 

Two old men sat on a bench,one says,I1m 87 yrs old,and racked with pain,and constant 

aches.What about you?" The other one says,"Ifeel like a new-born baby.""What?" "Yes; no hair, no 

teeth, and I`ve just wet myself." 

Veedub says: 

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend 

"That's us in 10 years". 

He said "That's a mirror, dip-stick! 

penny says: 

but did u hear about the 2 gay judges .who tried each other ...(p) 

jt. says: 

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who is the guy on the 

beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." 

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?" 

Courtesy of www.mycall.mobi/m/jokes 


MAMA'S BIBLE 

Four brothers Jack, John, Ronnie and Michael left home for college, and they became successful 

doctors and lawyers. 

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they 

had just given to their elderly mother who...... had recently moved to Florida . 

Jack said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." 

John said, " And I had a large theater built in that house." 

Ronnie said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

Michael said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore 

because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the 

entire Bible. It took Ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute 

$50,000 a year for five years to the Church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the 

chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." 

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. 

She wrote: " Jack , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean 

the whole House. Thanks anyway. 

"John, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of 

my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the 

gesture just the Same." 

"Ronnie, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the 

Mercedes. The Thought was good. Thanks." 

"Dearest Michael, 

You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was 

delicious " 

Love Mama. 

J. B. Darbyshire says: 

Two catterpillars sitting on a branch,when a butterfly flew overhead. one catterpillar turned to the 

other and said "You'd never get me up in one of those" 

J. B. Darbyshire says: 

Two catterpillars sitting on a branch when a Butterfly flew overhead.One catterpillar turned to the 

other and said "You'd never get me up in one of those" 

Veedub says: 

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, 

delivering the mail. 

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. 

... 

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine 

and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. 

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. 

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. 

We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a 

bit wild. 

We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.' 

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' 

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only 

the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. 

Then the women try to guess who it is..' 

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.' 

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 

'Your name came up 7 times.'

Veedub says: 

Understand that the A12 is the main trunk road in Essex. 

As a trucker stops for a red light on the A12 a blonde catches up. 

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the 

door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and 

you are losing some of your load!" 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck 

stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of 

Her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the 

window. 

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is 

Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the 

street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. 

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on 

the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name 

is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next 

light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and 

runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he 

says,............ 

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the bloody 

gritter......." 

Loz says: 

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also 

quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that 

showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as 

possible, hoping for yet another look. 

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he 

knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man 

stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." 

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. 

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten 

thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." 

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him 

inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. 

Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten 

thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts." 

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man 

takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on 

for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. 

"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. 

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. 

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

Loz says: 

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. 

Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. 

The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might 

use the men's room. 

The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on 

the left. 

Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the 

directions. 

When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the 

deep end of a pool. 

The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to 

save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!" 

Loz says: 

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three 

in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on 

foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and 

starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands 

flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles 

in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so 

drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed 

blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. 

He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The 

next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers 

trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. 

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" 

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." 

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" 

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" 

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of bandaids 

stuck to the mirror." 

sam tm says: 

40 Travellers arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. 

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let 

them in?' 

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between 

them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen in.' 

Less t han a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?' 

'No, the gates'. 

S. Doolan says:

How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb ? 

To get to the other side. 

Veedub says: 

APARTMENT for RENT 

THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!! 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend 

the night with her for $500. They did their thing, 

and, before he left, he told her that he did 

not have any cash with him, but he would have his 

secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling 

the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' 

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had 

done, realizing that the whole event had not been 

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and 

enclose the following typed note: 

'Dear Madam: 

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . 

I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, 

I was under the impression that: 

#1 - it had never been occupied; 

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and 

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. 

However, I found out that: 

#1 - it had been previously occupied, 

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and 

#3 - it was entirely too large.' 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 

'Dear Sir: 

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied 

indefinitely. 

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. 

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough 

furniture 

to fill it, please do not blame the management. 

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady... !! 

Veedub says: 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. 

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a 

requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' 

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.' 

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' 

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to 

temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' 

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. 

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it 

still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' 

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' 

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations

of the flesh?' 

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with 

my faith.' 

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about 

five minutes. 

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't 

it? 

Veedub says: 

A seasonal joke: 

First day back at school after Xmas so the teacher asks the class to describe their xmas day using 

the word "nice" twice in one sentence. 

Little Johnny (the troublemaker) puts his hand up, 

Teacher: "Not you Johnny, lets have someone else for a change" 

Little Mary puts her hand up, 

Teacher: "ok Mary, can you describe your xmas day using the word "nice" twice in the same 

sentence" 

Mary:"Please miss, on xmas day we had a nice xmas tree and some nice presents" 

Teacher: "Very good Mary, anyone else?" 

Little Johnny is waving his hand madly 

Teacher:"Not you Johnny, someone else? How about little Jimmy?" 

Jimmy:"Please miss, on xmas day we had a nice xmas dinner and some nice xmas pudding" 

Teacher: "Very good Jimmy" (Little Johnny is really waving his hands and jumping up and down) 

Teacher: "ok Johnny would you like to tell us about your xmas day using the word "nice" twice in 

the same sentence?" 

Johnny:"Please miss, on xmas day we were all sitting round the table ready for our xmas dinner. 

Dad was just about to carve the turkey when granny farted. Me Dad says:"Oh that's nice, that's 

fkin nice that is!" 

Veedub says: 

During the 1960`s space race, NASA discovered that normal pens would not work in space due to 

the lack of gravity there. 

So, the US government got all the greatest scientists in the country to come and work for NASA to 

solve the problem. After a period of 10 years and after spending $50 million, they had designed a 

pen that could work for any given amount of gravity, in any temperature, any pressure, 

underwater and could write on any conceivable surface. 

The Russians............................. Simply used a pencil. 

Derek Acworth says: 

2 snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other, can you smell Carrots? 

Veedub says: 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a 

beautiful blonde. 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. 

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls..." 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what 

he had said. 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt 

as much as tennis elbow?" 

penny says: 

What do u call a mischievous egg ? A practical yoker.....(p)

ALAN JONES says: 

i was shopping in the supermarket with the wife when all of a sudden she said"do you know your 

such a lazy ba**tard", i was so shocked i almost fell out of the trolley 

Twittykins says: 

Did you hear the one about the two old ladies who went for a tramp in the woods? 

He got away... 

dojomaster says: 

I see Mick Hucknall of Simply Red fame has finally come to terms with his addiction to rabbit love 

by releasing 2 new singles, "Holding back the ears" and "Bunnies too tight to mention" 

Veedub says: 

New Radio 1 Xmas CD out Now - All the covers you thought you'd never hear. 

featuring; 

Stevie Wonder- I can see clearly now 

John Terry & Anton Ferdinand - Ebony & Ivory 

Rihanna - Hit me Baby one more time 

Katie Price - Like a Virgin 

Michael Jackson - The drugs dont work 

Jospeh Fritzl - Love Shack 

Stephen Hawking - I'm still standing 

Susan Boyle - Don't ya wish ya girlfriend was hot like me 

Veedub says: 

Breaking News.......... Breaking News................. 

There is a new viagra out called 007.......it makes you Roger More 

cloneboy says: 

A politician, banker and journalist visited a MuckDonalds hamburger factory. 

Chew on it...... 

Veedub says: 

Today is the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbour - Which is kind of ironic as there's a nasty nip in 

the air right now...... 

the duke says: 

What do lawyers and Pelicans have in common? 

They can both stick their bills up their a**ses! 

Veedub says: 

*Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. 

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing 

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we 

don't have a ladder...' 

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts 

and laid the flagpole down. 

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was

18 feet 6 inches. 

Then, she walked off. 

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde.* 

* 

We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!* 

JonnyTwo Times says: 

A tip for any Manchester United fans wanting to make a nice pasta sauce, most herbs are nice but 

you can't beat basel... 

sam tm says: 

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he 

had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of 

teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following week when Dave's buddies 

arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the 

campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How 

did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week 

when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my 

sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I 

peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' 

Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE 

I AM 

Loz says: 

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend 

being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When 

he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The 

bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a 

good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his 

girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. 

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked. 

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!" 

Loz says: 

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself 

from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper 

arrived. 

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an 

elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" 

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. 

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. 

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from 

out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another 

tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was 

another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..." 

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That 

was your air freshener swinging back and forth". 

Hawfinch says:

Early this morning, there was a tap on my front door. 

Strange sense of humour my plumber has. 

------------------------------------------------------------- 

My wife came home crying and asked me to console her. 

So I hit her with an Xbox. 

------------------------------------------------------------- 

How do you know if someone has an iPhone? 

They tell you. 

Loz says: 

Should vegetarians attend meetings? 

Loz says: 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and 

started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and 

asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" 

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders 

that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation 

and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" 

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I 

gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the 

blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." 

Loz says: 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the 

roof of the cave to get some sleep. 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. 

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. 

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. 

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. 

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. 

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!" 

Hawfinch says: 

How many Yodel drivers does it take to change a lightbulb? 

It's still at the depot, waiting to be delivered.

--------------------- 

Why did the Yodel driver cross the road? 

To throw his parcels into a neighbour's garden. 


do you know the english alphabet as 21 letters and why because d.u.r.e.x. are french letters 


An English Man, an scotish man and an Irish man condemned to death for murder, are spending 

their last night in gaol. The prison warden goes to the cell with the Englishman in and asks him 

what he would like for his final meal. The Englishman requests a full beef roast dinner with all the 

trimmings and a glass of port. The warden grants the Englismans wish and leaves him to enjoy his 

meal. The warden goes to the Scotsman next and asks the Scotsman the same thing. The 

Scotsman requests 3 bottles of the finest single malt whiskey. The Scotmans says to the warden 

"Arl no die sober in the morning then". The warden agrees and the Scotmans starts to down the 

whiskey. The warden then goes to the last man, the Irishman. The warden asks him what he 

would like, the Irishman replies "oil'll ave tree hundred cigarettes please!" The surprised warden 

says to the Irishman "Are you sure you'll smoke all of them?" "Aye I will, an maybe oil'll die afore 

the morning too!" The warden grants his request and leaves the Irishman to it. 

The next morning, its hanging day for the three men. The warden, a priest and the hangman goes 

the cell of the Englishman. The Englishman is taken the hang pit, a noose put aroung his neck, and 

is hung. Next up is the very drunk and virtually unconcious Scotsman who is dragged to the noose 

and is hung. Finally they go to the Irishmans cell, unlock the door, to find a quivering man with an 

cigarette in his hand. "Whats the matter?" says the warden. The Irishman replies "Has anybody 

got a light!" 

jords says: 

Two canniballs eating a clown, one turned to the other and said,( Does this taste funny to you ) 


saw this big yellow lorry coming towards me as it passed i swore at the driver through gritted 

teeth 


How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? Answer - one - no - two - no four - no - 

eight - sixteen - thirty two - sixty four - one hundred and twenty eight - arrrrggg helppppp! 

Veedub says: 

Traffic Camera 

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been 

taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he 

went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera 

flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed 

the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. 

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time 

at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.. 

dj collis says: 

2 queers in a`phone box --------- trying to wring each other 

madaload says:

It was late summer when two blondes got lost in the African savanah. Suddenly out of nowhere a 

lion charged at them. One of the blondes gathered her wits, grabbed a handfull of dirt and threw it 

at the lion to blind it. Then she yelled at the other: 

Run for your life! 

Why? I didn't throw anything! 

penny says: 

there was 2 gay birds (feather ones) trying to go backwards for a lark .. (p) 

Veedub says: 

So........ I was in school and the teacher asked: Who wrote Nicholas Nickleby?" 

"How the Dickens should I know!" 

Miss J Lees says: 

Why did the jelly baby go to school? Because he wanted to be a smartie.. 

Mr. P. M. Murphy says: 

What does tupperware and a walrus have in common? 

...they both like a tight seal. 


A man goes to a job interview. 

"Tell me a little about yourself." 

"I'm lazy and rude, I have no sense of direction and I'm always late." 

"What are your interests?" 

"Driving badly, damaging things, and disappointing people." 

"Anything else?" 

"Everyone says I'm useless." 

"You're hired! Welcome to Yodel." 

A. Haddad says: 

A man returns from work with a lie detector robot. His 12 year old son comes home 3 hours late 

from school: 

- Where have you been all this time? asks the father. - I was in the library doing homework! 

The robot homes in on the son and slaps him... The father explains: 

- my son, this robot is a lie detector! You'd better tell the truth... - Ok, I was at a mate's and we 

were watching a film: the 10 commandments. 

And whack! Another slap: 

- Ow! Actually, it was an erotic film... - I'm ashamed of you! At your age, I never lied to my 

parents! 

And whack! The robot gives the father a slap... the mother laughs and says: 

He's definitely your son!

And whack! And mom gets a slap... 


saw a man walking down side of the road wearing a AA jacket looking very depressed i thought to 

myself that mans heading for a breakdown 

grandad10 says: 

ikea has started a range of lesbian furniture, no nuts or screws , just tonge and groove 

Veedub says: 

God promised women that good husbands could be found in all corners of the world...Then he 

made the world round.. Certainly has a sense of humour !! 

Veedub says: 

He came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, he left & I 

was hurt!!........................................... Friggging mosquito! 

Veedub says: 

A man asked a genie to make him a billion times smarter than any man on earth, so the genie 

turned him into a woman. 

Veedub says: 

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kind of cheesed off because he doesn't 

want to be yellow. 

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators 

for one thing. 

Anyw...ay... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me 

brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is 

like, killing me, you know?" 

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: 

"Abracapokus! You're brown!" 

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow. 

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" 

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the 

toad thanks her and hops off on his way. 

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he 

encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true). 

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses 

cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile 

off." 

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is 

the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're 

brown!" 

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain 

purple. 

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" 

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for 

that." 

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" 

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off........... 

~ 

~ 

~

~ 

you know what's coming don't you ? 

~ 

she flew off, saying....... 

"Just follow the yellow-dick toad" 

Veedub says: 

The world just can't end in 2012,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have a yogurt that expires in 2013. 

Veedub says: 

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie 

bins and emptying them into his compactor. 

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the 

spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for ...the bin, he 

gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. 

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. 

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. 

"Harro!" says the Japanese man. 

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. 

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed. 

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin 

man smiles and tries again. "No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?" 

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed. 

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. 

Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'" 

"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers 

in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista! 

Mr. P. M. Murphy says: 

whats green and smells of pork? 

...Kermits finger. 

Veedub says: 

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions 

something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming 

out....... 


I joined a chocaholics forum. They asked if I liked a combination of chocolate, caramel, nougat and 

hazelnut. I said I used to but not any more. So they banned me for going off topic. 

Posted on 10 Dec 2011 23:47:15 GMT 


wots black and white and red all over?.......A zebra thats been run over!!! 

G Roberts says: 

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? ..pick it up and suck its co.....! 


An elderly man with one arm bumped into a friend, 

Where are you off to? Asked his friend, 

To change a light bulb replied the one armed man, 

That will be a bit difficult for you won't it? 

No not really replied the one armed man, 

I kept the receipt, ....

Veedub says: 

I think the best thing about a big, passionate argument is tumbling into bed together afterwards... 

...and lying in cold, grim silence until dawn. 


A couple in their early 70s were discussing their future plans. 

The husband asked, what will you do if I die before you? 

The wife thought for a moment before replying, I will probably look to share a house with 3 other 

single or widowed women, maybe people younger than myself since I am still active for my age. 

What about you? What will you do if I die first? 

He, answered probably the same! 

Mr. R. F. Long says: 

Man in baggage reclaim at a busy airport has lost his wife. He goes to a high point to look for her. 

Another man joins him who has also lost his wife. The first asks "what does your wife look like?". 

Second replies "she's 6 ft tall, leggy blonde, busty with a mini skirt and a gorgeous tan. What does 

yours look like?" 

First man replies "never mind mine; let's find yours!" 

Veedub says: 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. 

Turns out she was a Slovak 

Veedub says: 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, 

I'll have to let her in. 

Veedub says: 

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. 

What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar... 

Veedub says: 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". 

Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." 


What do you call a train transporting a load of toffees? A chew chew train 

Veedub says: 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African 

village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. 

A. J. Austen says: 

Wots the difference between light and hard , well I can sleep with a light on. 

Veedub says: 

A barman says to paddy you have a empty glass do you want another one? Why would I want 2 

empty glasses............. 

Manxie1954 says: 

We don't allow faster than light particles in here" said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.


A man went to his doctor and said "I seem to have a lettuce leaf hanging out of my bottom". 

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and bend over while he examines the affected area. 

He then says, "I've got some bad news - it seems to be the tip of the iceberg!" 


At any time the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away. 


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. 

Talk about Dyson with death. 


A senior citizen goes into a New York jewellers with a gorgeous leggy blond on his arm and says to 

the assistant I would like to buy that 50 thousand diamond ring in the window, 

The assistant says, How do you want to pay, 

And the old guy says by cheque, The assistant says it will take a few days to clear the cheque can 

you come back on Monday, 

No problem say the old guy, 

On Monday he returns to the shop and the assistant is as mad as hell, 

and says, That cheque bounced all the way to Las Vegas ,I know replied the old guy that's where 

I’ve been, Had the greatest weekend of my life. 

Joker AM says: 

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A fly can fly but a mosquito cant mosquito. 


Man goes to docs with mince pie stuck up is bum; doc said he had some cream for that 

sam tm says: 

I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't pleased. 

sam tm says: 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any 

excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal 

injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if 

tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher 

smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to 

write the exam with your other hand.' 

sam tm says: 

A young, newly married Korean couple are in bed and feeling a bit fruity. 

As the man moves across into the attack position, he unfortunately lets off a thunderous fart. 

"Chuffing Heck!" yelped his Wife (or words to that effect) 

"I'm sorry, love." Says the contrite fella, "But it wasn't me. It was the dog." 

"Don't go blaming the dog." She screamed. "He was cooked perfectly." 

wojciech simpson says:

two men met each other in town one says to the other i thought it looked a bit like you but what 

happened last time i saw you were bald now you have a full head of hair how did you do it well he 

said I’ll let you in to a secret i rub my head on my wife’s fanny and it made it grow fantastic eh his 

mate said yeah brill and they parted then man sees another man coming towards him full beard he 

thinks to himself filthy bastard! 

Monkey Hanger says: 

Two Snowmen chatting -One turns to the other and says "Can you smell carrots?" 

Veedub says: 

Paddy went to the doctors complaining of a bad back 

The doc asks how he did it 

'Having sex doggy fashion' says Paddy 

'Why don’t you try the normal position?' 

'I have' said paddy 'but the dog keeps licking my face!' 

Veedub says: 

Boy loses his job in a chip shop, Dad goes to find out why 

Owner says ' I found him with a potato peeler up his arse!' 

Dad says ' may I see the Potato peeler?' 

The Owner says ' No........I fired him as well! ' 

Veedub says: 

Cliff Richard was doing his Shanghai Christmas concerts, he asked the audience if they had any 

requests, a Chinese gentleman jumped out of his seat and said "I ruv you cliff! I ruv song called 

'itchy Sore fanny" 

Cliff replied "I didn’t sing a song called that" 

The Fan says "yes you did. It went...........Itchy Sore fanny how we don’t talk anymore" 

penny says: 

I went into a pub the other night called THE FIDDLE. They were right; it really was a VILE INN...... 

penny says: 

What is pink and hangs out your boxer shorts ? Your mum on washing day .... ( u thought it was 

going to be rude , no chance ) (p) 


A couple who had been married for 35yrs,were lying in a hotel bed about to go to sleep, when they 

heard a woman’s voice in the room next door say, Oh' darling you are so romantic, 

The husband said. How come you never tell me that I am romantic? 

and the wife said, because you're not romantic anymore, 

A few moments later they heard the woman say, that was the best orgasm I have ever had, 

At this point, the man said, You have never told me that you have ever had a wonderful orgasm 

why is that? 

And the wife said that you are never around at the time. 


A farmer goes to the doctor. 

"I've got this terrible headache. It came on while I was harvesting the wheat." 

"It's a migraine." 

"No, it's not. It's mine. And why are you speaking Italian?"


Walk into a gentleman’s club toilet and shout, so this is where all the knobs hang out. 


Here's a list of the people you should invite to your Christmas party: 

M Dreeman 

Arthur White 

Chris Musswit 

Ava Rekriss 

Ms Carr 

Dai Wright 

Mayor Dazeby 

Mary-Ann Bright 

Anne Mayall-Yorkris 

Ms SB Whyte. 

Veedub says: 

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 

today If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today. 

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 

today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have 

£0.00 today 

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco’s, drank all the beer, then 

taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received a £214.00. Based on 

the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. A recent study found that 

the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year. 

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, 

on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be British! 

sam tm says: 

A recent study has revealed that 45% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction! 

After seeing 45% of women over 40 I'm not surprised 

Veedub says: 

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. 

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. 

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. 

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. 

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 

'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. 

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?' 

'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!' 

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea 

fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a 

prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. 

Veedub says: 

Paddy walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm 

looking for a job'. 

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very 

wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have 

to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long 

but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. 

The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. 

Paddy said 'you’re bullshitting me!' 

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' 

Veedub says: 

Breaking News...... Breaking News......... 

Police cordoned off Birmingham City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered 

in a car. 

It later turned out to be a tax disc 


3 impossible things count all the grains of sand on a beach like your own elbow and breath with 

your tongue out ...now don't look silly and put your tongue away 

Veedub says: 

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she 

notices a box FULL 

of frogs. The sign says: "SEX FROGS. Only £20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions." 

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man 

behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!" 

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!' 

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. 

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very 

carefully. She does 

EXACTLY what is specified: 

1. Take a shower. 

2. Splash on some nice perfume. 

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been 

trained to do. 

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The 

blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. 

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper that says, "If you have any 

problems or questions, please 

call the pet store." 

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing 

her doorbell. 

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. 

The damn frog just SITS there!" 

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY

says: 

"LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!" 

Clare Severn says: 

What's brown and sticky? A stick 

R. Ratcliffe says: 

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk! 


Who has the biggest balls firemen or policemen? Policemen because they sell more tickets! 

Veedub says: 

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took 

place. 

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had 

to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." 

Second Guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the 

pool." 

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen 

for her." 

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So 

they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing 

this weekend. What's the deal?" 

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife 

a nudge and said, "Golf course or Intercourse?" 

She said, "don’t forget your sweater.' 

Jus for laughs says: 

A Buddhist walks in to a hamburger shop and says "make me One with everything" 

Old Fox says: 

That joke goes: 

The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza parlour and says "make me one with everything." 

What, pray tell, is a hamburger with everything? 

Bonus joke: An Hasidic rabbi goes into a coffee shop with a penguin. The counterman says, 

"Where'd you get that?" 

The penguin says, "Brooklyn. There are plenty of them." 


How can you tell an happy motorcyclist? he has flies on his teeth! 

O. S. A. Challenger says: 

What’s pink and fluffy. Pink fluff. 

Mr. J. Atkinson says: 

Just bought some sausages with Jamie Oliver’s picture on the front, on the back of the packet it 

says prick with a fork can’t argue with that! 

sam tm says:

Health & Safety for Xmas:- 

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields 

and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety 

of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is 

appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple 

passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before 

their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would 

request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. 

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning 

or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote 

monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users 

of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for 

known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining 

his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal 

Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects 

of Glory. 

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation 

prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, 

exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary 

action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. 

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, 

particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality 

Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal 

personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, 

while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke 

allergic reactions. 

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, 

Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly. 


man goes in to hospital to have a sex change 6 weeks later he decides he does not like the new 

life so he goes back to hospital to have the operation reversed the doctor said typical woman 

always changing their minds 

echo734 says: 

2 inventors attending a conference, one says to the other, "Excuse me, correct me if I`m wrong 

but didn`t you invent `Tippex` 

penny says: 

My girlfriend just burst in my bedroom. I’m taking her back to Ann Summers tomorrow and get my 

money back! 

F.C.Belfast says: 

I received a Christmas card today with rice inside It was from uncle Ben. 


A lady in her 60s was waiting patiently to park in space that had just become vacant, 

When a young flashy city banker in his Porsche nipped in and stole the vacant space. 

She went over to him and said, That was my parking space, 

He said that's what you can do when you’re young and smart, 

She was as mad as hell and walked back to her car, got in and put her foot to the floor and drove 

straight into the front of his Porsche, which looked like it was a right off. 

What do you think you’re doing you stupid old woman, 

She smiled and replied calmly, That’s what you can do when you are rich.

penny says: 

I rang 999 today and said, quick I need an ambulance I’ve broken 6 legs. The lady said 6 legs? 

.yes I said I fell downstairs carrying the dog... 

Jeeves says: 

A blonde walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor asks what the problem is. 'It's very strange,' she 

replies, 'but whenever I touch any part of my body, I feel the most excruciating pain.' She 

proceeds to demonstrate by prodding herself all over, wincing and groaning with pain at every 

touch. 

The doctor purses his lips and nods thoughtfully for a moment. 'I think perhaps you may have 

broken your index finger.' 

I'm here all week. 

Veedub says: 

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to 

midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the 

back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas 

to come with all our toys." 

"Very nic...e Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" 

"Well, Ms Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we 

get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We 

hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents." 

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, 

she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" 

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...dad comes home from the office. We all pile into 

the Rolls Royce; then we drive to dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty 

shelves.......and begin to sing: What A Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas." 

Mr. James Smith says: 

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?.................... 

a kangaroo it a austrailian marcuipial 

a kangaroot is a gordie fella stuck in a lift 

Veedub says: 

Just got the tree and decorations down from the loft and I found a present I forgot to give the kids 

last year. Pretty gutted really cause I know they would have loved a kitten! 

Veedub says: 

You won't hear from me for a while Friendly people...........Being investigated for stealing 

swimming pool inflatables........I gotta lilo. 

Veedub says: 

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but 

what would I get in return. 

She said I could play with her breasts. 

I thought...That's Fair....T1t for Tat. 

Veedub says: 

BreakingNews just in.......................................There's a female ref for the United v City match.

The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car. 

Moody Blue says: 

Man walks into a chemist and asks have you any condoms 5mm in length. The chemist replies 

5mm? They will only fit a mouse! I know replied the man... my house is overrun with them. 

Veedub says: 

Two eggs got married. On the wedding night, Mr Egg is lying in bed, when out of the bathroom 

comes Mrs Egg. She says, "I've just slipped into something a bit more comfortable", she is wearing 

a see-through bra and panties. 

Upon seeing this, Mr Egg says, "right, I'd better go and slip into something more comfy too." 

When he comes out of the bathroom he is wearing a crash helmet. Mrs Egg says, "what the frigg 

are you wearing a stupid crash helmet for?" 

And Mr Egg says, "the last time I was this hard, some bathplug hit me over the head with a 

frigging spoon." 

Veedub says: 

Just said to the missus..."Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day" 

She said "Don't get *****ing lippy" 

I said "Mascara it is then!" 

Terry Seale says: 

The serpent said to the woman, "You, Shirley, shall not die!" 

--Gen. 3:4 (New Rev. MacLaine Ver.). 


Yoko Ono has been lined up for the next series of I’m a celebrity get me out of here; bosses think 

she will do really well as she has been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years 


My wife found me in bed with Fatima Whitbread last week ,"it’s not what it looks like" I pleaded. 

Well what is it then? She asked with a puzzled look on her face. “a woman" I replied. 


Good news for insomniacs......only 1 more sleep till Christmas! 

Jane Stebbings says: 

Hey, need an ark? I Noah guy 

Taiwantrio says: 

What did the person say when he threw a clock out of the window. “Time flies" 

Taiwantrio says: 

A man built a dam near a river, when he had finished he climbed on top of his dam and looked in 

the river below and saw all the fish were dead, what did he say? 

Oh Damn!!! 

Veedub says: 

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. 

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the 

following: 

Shovel 

Blankets or sleeping bag

... Extra clothing including hat and gloves 

24 hours worth of food 

De-Icer 

Rock Salt 

Flashlight with spare batteries 

Road Flares or Reflective Triangles 

Empty petrol Can 

First Aid Kit 

Booster cables 

I looked like such an idiot on the bus this morning. 

Veedub says: 

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the 

wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!. 

I panicked. I didn't know what to do.....................Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve 

breakfast until 11.30. 

Veedub says: 

I'm in trouble with the wife...............Again. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would 

like to do most with her body. 

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer. 

Old Fox says: 

I just stopped by the Post Office to send something out, and I was on line behind a woman who 

said she was so late sending her Christmas cards. When she got to the counter, she told the clerk, 

"Please let me have 57 postage stamps." 

The Postal Clerk said, "Certainly, Ma'am, what denomination?" 

She replied, "Well, let's see, there are 14 Methodists, 6 Lutherans, 11 Presbyterians, 4 Baptists, 7 

Pentecostals, 6 Catholics, a Seventh Day Adventist, 9 others..." 


What do you get after 5 days playing with yourself? A weak end 

Brookes says: 

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto 


How did Good Kind Wenceslas like his pizzas? 

Deep Pan, Crisp and Even... 

mysteryguise says: 

A man goes into a bakers and asks for loaf of bread. The baker replies "brown or White?" and the 

man replies "it doesn't matter I have my bike parked outside!" 

What's round and orange and bumps into walls? A blind orange 

What's round and orange and doesn't bump into walls? A blind orange that's ran out of juice? 

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing it just let out a little w(h)ine! 


A famous and undeniably talented England goalkeeper was walking past a block of flats when he 

heard a woman on the 8th floor shouting "help me, help me, save my baby!" He looked up and say

a woman dangling a baby (no it wasn't Michael Jackson), out of the window with smoke billowing 

around her. He cups his hand and shouts back "just drop the baby I will catch him!" she replies " 

no you won't, you'll just drop him". He replies "don't you recognise me, I'm a famous England 

goalkeeper; safest pair of hands in the country!". The crowd that had assembled shouted in 

agreement. So convinced she dropped the baby, which he caught and then held him aloft to the 

adoration of the people around him who chanted his name in recognition of this amazing act. Then 

he bounced the baby twice and kicked it over a wall! 


It's late but one more, as Christmas is coming.... 

A man who been married for 10 years goes to a sex councillor to seek guidance on how to improve 

his sex life, which has deteriorated in recent years. He was asked how long the act normally lasted 

and he replied about 5 mins max. He was then asked if he had considered foreplay and maybe a 

little oral "warming up" first. He explained he was a little reserved and didn't know what he meant. 

After a lengthy discussion he returned home armed with his new knowledge to find his wife 

already in bed. So he undressed in the dark, slipped under the covers and proceeded to "warm her 

up" (I am trying hard not to be too explicit for the benefit of our younger viewers! :p) 

Anyway, after hearing noises of satisfaction he continued for a while, until he could take it no 

more; hairs in the mouth, the smell, so he decided to go clean his teeth, whereupon he found his 

wife in the bath reading a book. Before he could say anything she said "it's OK, your mum is only 

staying for two nights!!" 

Veedub says: 

I went to my local pet shop to see if any puppies were in their sale. The owner said, "I've got a 

Great Dane reduced 70%." I said, "what is it now." He said, "A Dachshund." 


before the christmas texting rush starts i wish all users on this site and those still to come the very 

best for christmas and a great 2012 to all 

Veedub says: 

My ex-wife is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that 

game!! 

Veedub says: 

God to St. Peter this morning after opening his Christmas present early: "I said I wanted a Kindle 

Reader, not Kim-the-Leader" 

Veedub says: 

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, 

most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with 

unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,"I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows." 

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired 

woman comforted him. 

"Don't worry. It'll be all right." 

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even 

clicked the 'like' button." 

"How long has it been?" 

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world." 

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the 

office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counsellor. 

"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of 

Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a 

book." 

"How soon were you hooked?" 

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each 

day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just 

in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He 

said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced." 

"What do you like most about Facebook?" 

"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on 

Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya." 

"Who's he?" 

"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous." 

"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see." 

"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I 

hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out 

who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos 

and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, 

and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some 

of them." 

"Let me guess. Farmville?" 

"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna." 

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?" 

"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't 

need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- 

you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. 

One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower 

Administration. " 

"What pic are you using?" 

"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided 

to visit the local beauty salon." 

"To make yourself look prettier?" 

"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using." 

"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?" 

"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga." 

"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?" 

"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my 

husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'" 

"What did you do?" 

"What else? I unfriended him of course!"

Little Ol' Meses says: 

I said to my girl "Pack your bags" she replied "What for summer or winter," 

I replied "I don't care just get out" 

Rob O says: 

What's Green and eats nuts....... Syphilis!! 


All hell broke loose at the paranoid people’s pantomime last night, when the crowd shouted out 

he’s behind you! 

Blondie01 says: 

Two blondes walked into a bar ......You'd have thought one of them would have seen it! 

R. Baillie says: 

How did the Baker electrocute himself? He stood on a bun and the currant ran up his leg!!! 

Terry Seale says: 

The think about paranoia is that you only have to be right one time to make it all worthwhile. 

John Kimble says: 

What do u call a Chinese man that's half Irish? ..... Pat Noodle 

C. Birks says: 

I used to think I was schizophrenic, but now I'm in two minds about it! 


I've just seen the Devil wearing ice skates. How many commitments have to be carried out now? 

Mrs. B. H. Hill says: 

Jeremy Beadle had a massive penis... On the other hand it was quite small 


Robinson Crusoe invented the 4 day working week because he had everything done by Friday 

STEVEO says: 

How to keep calm. 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and 

we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this 

morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you 

have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and 

hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle 

of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, 

tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke 

an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese 

sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr piess. An telum,u blody 

luvum.!! 

Happy Christmas! 


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 

Ho ho ho!


Christmas has been cancelled this year! Closed down by Elf and Safety...:P 

What's long, pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underpants....your mum! 


Two lumps of vomit walking down the road, when one bursts into tears. What's wrong says the 

other? This is where I was brought up!! 

Green but keen Gardener says: 

Noticing Santa Claus looking out of the window Mrs Santa asked him if it was snowing outside. He 

replied 

"No, there's just a little RAIN, DEAR!" 

Benny says: 

A man is on his way out when his wife stops him at the door and says, 'if you come home drunk 

again I'm leaving you!', The man makes his excuses and walks to the pub, only interested in 

having a couple after his wifes stern words... 

On entering the pub, he tells his mate that he'll only behaving a couple tonight, to which his friend 

asks why. 

The man explains to his friend his wifes ultimatum and that they have been having a time of it 

lately so it's best he doesnt get blind drunk but his friend says not to worry, its Christmas and 

proceeds to get him horrendously drunk, so much so, that he throws up all down the front of his 

shirt. 

'I can't believe it' the man shouts, knowing that his wife will leave him when she finds out he got 

hammered... 

His mate says 'Listen, all you have to do is say that you only had a couple and that on your way 

back from the pub, another drunk man threw up on you, then take £20 out of your pocket and say 

that the man gave it to you for the dry-cleaning...problem solved' 

'Perfect' the man thinks, and goes on his way 

When he arrives home , his wife sees the state of her husband and starts yelling that he knew 

what would happen and that she's off! 

'Wait, wait!' says the man, 'its not what it looks like...I only had a couple but on the way home, 

this drunk bloke walked into me and then threw up down my shirt, look, he even gave me £20 for 

the dry cleaning', he then proceeds to hold out two notes. 

'You're holding £40' the wife says, 'who's the other £20 from?' 

'Oh', says the man, 'thats from the bloke who sh*t in my pants'!! 

Merry Christmas 

Veedub says: 

At the Vet School. 

Dead cow lecture at vet school 

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead 

cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. 

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two 

important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the 

animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of 

the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he 

told his students. 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger 

in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important 

quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to 

pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid." 

Veedub says: 

BREAKING NEWS..... BREAKING NEWS .......... 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in

London. 

Police think it might be the start of ram-a-dam. 

N. Sinton says: 

A man walks into a bar and asks for a double entrendre, so the barman gives him one. 

IJ says: 

I used to think I was indecisive......................but now I'm not so sure 

Veedub says: 

So............ This judge looks at the Dentist ; "Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and 

nothing but the tooth?" 


Marriage is about 3 rings; engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering! ;) 

Why is marriage like a deck of cards; because at first there are two hearts and a diamond, and at 

the end you want a club and a spade! 


Darth Vader said to Luke at Christmas, "I know what you're getting for Christmas!" "How come?" 

he replied. "I felt your presence!" 


Darth Vader and Luke are in a Chinese restaurant, and Luke is having problems eating his food 

with chopsticks. Darth says to him "use the Forks Luke, use the Forks." 

Michellee says: 

Bicycle found by tree. 


A man falls asleep on the beach and awakens to very serious sunburn, so he goes to the doctors 

for something to ease the pain. The doctor prescribes him some Viagra. "I didn't know Viagra was 

a remedy for sunburn!" "It isn't, but it will keep the sheets off your legs..." 


There is a now a male contraceptive; it's a large pill about the size of a £5 coin. You put it in your 

shoe and it makes you limp! 


How many Spanishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Only Juan! 

Michellee says: 

Mysteryguise, I really like your "Use the forks, Luke" joke! 

(I will now spread it around over here in the states.) 

Veedub says: 

Asda doctor 

One day at work Joe says to Mike his mate, "My elbow hurts so badly . I guess I'd best take the 

afternoon off to see a doctor." 

"Listen, the boss will dock your wages, you don't have to go to a doctors," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell 

you what's wrong and what to do about it. 

It takes ten seconds and costs five pounds - a lot cheaper than losing a half days wages." 

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. 

He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the 

sample into the slot and waits. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 

two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Asda." 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the 

computer could be fooled. 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, 

and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. 

Joe hurries back to Asda, eager to check the results. He deposits five pounds, pours in his 

concoction, and awaits the results. 

The computer prints the following: 

1.. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! 

Thank you for shopping @ Asda 

Veedub says: 

This says it all really: 

* * Pythagorean theorem: 24 words. 

* * Lord's Prayer: 66 words. 

* * Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. 

... * * 10 Commandments: 179 words. 

* * Gettysburg address: 286 words. 

* * US Declaration of Independence : 1,300 words. 

* * US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818 words. 

* * EU regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words. 

Veedub says: 

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates 

waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy". 

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. 

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

The third man answered "They're Carol's." 

Veedub says: 

An Essex girl crashed her chavved up Saxo quite badly. She was trapped in the car and covered in 

blood when the ambulance arrived, so the ambulance staff asked her "Where are you bleeding 

from?"................... She replies " Bleeding Chelmsford mate." 

Michellee says:


In an office: 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. 


AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES 

OUT. 

In a large department store: 

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS. 

In an office: 

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR 

FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. 

In an office: 

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE 

DRAINING BOARD. 





CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS. 


ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. 



FLOOR. 




WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK). 

Allan Barrett says: 

Married couple go to see a marriage counsellor. the man was asked what his wife’s favourite flower 

was. he turned, looked straight into his wife's eyes and with a great big smile said ' I know this 

one darling' ...... ‘It’s Homepride isn’t it! 

Veedub says: 

A couple shared a Christmas gift from the husband. 

The wife got panties that had 'Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus' written on them. 

Then in walked her husband in underwear that said.............. 'Santa Claus' 

Veedub says: 

Breaking News..... Breaking News........ 

A man was strip searched at the airport, and was found to have a tin of Spam up his bum.... ....it 

is believed he is from the terrorist group Hamass 


Two female PLO suicide bombers are talking at a bus stop: "does my bomb look big in this?" 


One of Santa’s elves was sitting alone on a wall with his head between his knees. A passer-by said 

"are you a Goblin?" and the Elf replied, "no I just have a nosebleed!"

Miss E. Tierney says: 

A man was hitch-hiking on a really cold, wet night. A car pulls up beside him and without 

hesitation he jumps in only to learn that there's no-one driving the car. He's terrified and except 

for jumping out of a moving car there's nothing else he can do. 

The car is headed for a tree at a bad corner and he closes his eyes hoping that something would 

happen. He feels the car jolt, opens his eyes and sees a hand on the steering wheel. He breathes a 

huge sigh of relief. 

A few minutes later he spots a bar. The car slows and he jumps out running straight into the bar 

and orders a double whiskey. He then proceeds to tell everyone in the bar what's just happened 

him. 

As he finishes his story two older men walk in. They are wet and out of puff. 

One exclaims to the other, "there's that silly beggar that got into the car when we were pushing 

it!" 

Mr. F. Harrison says: 

Two crows sitting in a tree. One says to the other,"You bred any good Rooks lately ?" 

johnfield993 says: 

What is brown and very lonely? Col. Gaddafi's camel! 

W. D. Antill says: 

Two fish in a tank......One say's to the other...Mate, do you know how to drive this thing? 

Hb Murray says: 

Woman takes 8 year old little Johnny home and complains to his mother, 'I caught him playing 

Doctors and Nurses with my 6 year old daughter!' Johnny's mother replies, 'Well, let's not be too 

harsh, at that age they're bound to be curious about sex.' The woman screams, 'Curious about 

sex? He's took her appendix out!!!!!' 

Hb Murray says: 

I met my mate in the town centre, he's only got one arm, bless him. 'Where are you off to?' I 

asked and he tells me, 'I've got to go and change a light bulb.' I stood there looking a little 

bewildered and asked, 'Won't that be a little difficult?' and he told me, 'Not really, I've still got the 

receipt, you idiot!' 

Shamsher Shah says: 

Japanese man went Pakistan and got into taxi, on way to hotel he saw a Sazuki car and said haa 

look japani car very fast, then he saw a Toyota and shouted, haa look Japani car very fast, the 

driver got upset that he's praising himself too much, when he got to the hotel the driver gave him 

hefty bill of RS:5000. and the man said isnt it a bit steep bill and the driver said, Haaa meter made 

in pakistan, very fast..... 

Mrs. H. Vickers says: 

Man makes 365 condoms out of a car tyre ! IT WAS A GOOD YEAR ! 

Veedub says: 

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?............. And while I'm at it...... 

What's another word for thesaurus? 

AND............Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections? 


On Christmas morning, I couldn't wait to get stuck into all the lovely parcels that were waiting for 

me. Within a few minutes I'd torn off all the wrapping and was playing with the contents. By 

lunchtime everything was broken, so I had a huge meal, got drunk and sat down for a long sleep 

in front of the telly.

Yes, just another day at the Yodel depot. 

Veedub says: 

Yet ANOTHER reason why there aren't any male Agony Aunts? 

"Dear Pete, I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't 

start. I walked back to our home only to find my 18 year old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in 

stockings and suspenders & my husband knelt behind her doing her doggy style. They said that 

the affair had been going on for about two years and that they were deeply in love! Can you help? 

I'm devastated and don't know what to do! 

"Dear Mary, The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel 

lines. If not then it may be the alternator. I hope this advice helps, Pete 


man and wife have a car accident she is seriously injured and needs a blood transfusion which she 

gets off her husband some months later they are in court going through a divorce and they were 

giving all gifts back to each other he asked for his blood back he give her at the transfusion so she 

threw a used tampon at him for the first payment then she shouts i will have to give you the rest 

monthly 

Mr. B. Sandford says: 

Two owls playing a game of snooker. 

One owl sais to the other "Two hits" 

The second owl replies "Two hits to who?" 

The Leveller says: 

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They 

approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. 

We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' 

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. 

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. 

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' 

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. 

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said 

impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your 

leader or I will fire!' 

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really 

don't think you should make him mad.' 

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. 

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien 

off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. 

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, 

straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over 

him shaking his big, green head. 

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you 

know he was so dangerous?' 

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one

thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap 

his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear....!" 

In reply to an earlier post on 29 Dec 2011 09:57:28 GMT 

C. Hearn says: 

Hi Oracle see the joke below and follow it as though the scene is in the USA, comments please 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when 

they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where 

he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was 

taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a 

pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 

He replied, "No money in the bank." 

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to 

God." 

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." 

Adrian says: 

What do you call a cat that's eaten too many ducks? A duck-filled-fatty-puss 

Mick Collins says: 

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing 

line........................ i nearly soiled her pants. 


Two guys were preparing for a motorbike road trip from London to Scotland, one wet and windy 

winters day. They all got dressed up in leathers and helmets and set off a little reluctantly, but 

they were still in high spirits. 

They hadn't gone far when the guy riding pillion complained of the rain soaking his neck and he 

was freezing. His mate had an idea, pulled into a bus shelter, got him to remove his leathers and 

put them on back to front so the back of the leathers came up to his chin and stopped the rain 

getting to him. 

All was going well, when with the rain starting to stop, they decided to go a little faster and make 

up a little time. 

Taking a sharp bend a little too fast, the pillion promptly fell off, unbeknown to the other rider. A 

passing police car happened to see all this at first they attended to the dislodged passenger, then 

chased after and flagged down his mate. 

On realising his mate had fallen off he asked the policemen if he was OK? 

They replied, "he was doing fine until we tried to turn his head around the right way!" 

Veedub says: 

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes 

of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, 

Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom will have 

travelled as much as 10 miles to watch these games.....

M. Liddell says: 

Good news for insomniacs, only 2 sleeps until Christmas! 


If air can get into your central heating system, why don't they design radiators that can fart? 

Igor the Annoyed says: 

What is the most common owl on the world? The Teat Owl (tea towel) 


A Trained Dog... 

A train was travelling from New York City. It was a busy holiday weekend and it was quite 

crowded. A Marine just back from Iraq walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat.. 

There was only one vacant seat available next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but 

when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. 

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" 

The French woman replied "Americans are so rude. My little dog is using that seat" 

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was that one that the dog 

was sitting on. “Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." The Marine asked again. 

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't 

say a word; he just picked up the little dog, through it out the train window, and sat 

down........The woman screamed."oooooooooooo" 

An English gentleman who was sitting nearby, when he had seen what had happened he 

confronted the marine and he said. "Sir, you Americans seem to have the knack of doing the 

wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the 

road, and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window". 


Peas, Peas me...... 

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before 

the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her 

why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied "six" 

The judge then said, "Well I will consider giving you six days in jail." Before the judge could 

actually pronounce the sentence the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could 

address the court. The Judge agreed, thinking that he was going to ask him to be lenient on his 

wife considering her age. The husband then said "I want your honour to know that she also stole a 

can of peas." 


An email from a friend.... 

As we progress through the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for 

your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up 

now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have 

the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about 

the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the 

last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine 

what has happened on it since it was last washed. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because 

the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the 

floor of a public restroom. 

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat 

poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that 

needs sealing. 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every beer can I open for the same reason 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bath full 

of ice with my kidneys gone. 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant 

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a Camel on a hot day. 

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I 

forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five 

minutes. 

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can 

remove toilet stains. 

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car 

so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven 

different types of cancer. 

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the 

microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me 

for life. 

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle 

infected with AIDS when I sit down. 

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a 

perfume sample and rob me 

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black 

snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when 

it bites my butt. 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Euro coin 

dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a 

sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 

p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest 

your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur 

because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's 

ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician 

. . 

Oh, by the way..... 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has 

discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their 

e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told 

by e-mail that water splashes over 2 metres, out of the toilet. 

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY! 

Veedub says: 

BIG PEOPLE WORDS 

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. 

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! 

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them. 

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 

'I went to visit my Nana.' 

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' 

She then asked Mitchell what he had done 

'I took a ride on a choo-choo.' 

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.' 

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 

'I read a book,' he replied. 

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 

'What book did you read?' 

( I love this....) 

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said: 

"Winnie the $HIT 


Mr and Mrs Smith recently received the wonderful gift of a son, called Andrew. Andrew was 

unusual in that due to a rare and unexplained medical condition, he didn't have a torso, and as a 

result no limbs. 

But Mr and Mrs Smith loved their son, and fearing ridicule kept him at home, educated him, a task 

made simple by his higher than normal intelligence. 

Andrew asked many times if he could go outside and see the real world, but his parents explained 

that the world was cruel out there and everyone would poke fun at him, so he reluctantly paid 

heed to their advice. 

That was until his 18th birthday: as he was now officially a man he wanted to go into a real pub 

and drink a real pint. He went on and on and on and on and on, until his parent’s couldn’t refuse 

his request any longer. 

So they smuggled him out of the house in a bag, took him to a pub, and ordered him a pint of 

Guinness. They placed his head carefully on the bar, and helped him sip the beer. 

The barman was too shocked to say anything whilst Andrew quite quickly downed the pint. 

A few seconds later, a miracle occurred and a torso popped out of his head, so his patents ordered 

another Guinness, which Andrew promptly drank. A set of arms popped out, and following a third 

pint, a set of legs. 

Andrew was so excited and overjoyed, he ran around the pub shouting and hollering, then ran 

outside to shout at anyone who was prepared to listen. 

Unfortunately in his excitement he ran into the road and was promptly hit and killed by a passing 

bus. 

The landlord thinking carefully of something to say to the obviously distraught parents, said "he 

should have quit while he was a head" 

mysteryguise says:

An old man was driving slowly through a twisting country road, when he was pulled over by the 

police. 

"Do you realise that your wife fell out of the car a few miles back!" 

He replied, "thank God for that, I thought I had gone deaf!" 


A 60 year old man was digging in the garden and found a magic lamp, containing unusually a 

genie who granted him one wish. 

He thought for a moment about his old and nagging wife, so he replied, "I would like a woman 30 

years younger than me." 

Whoosh.....and he became 90! 


"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" says the barman. 

A neutrino walks into the bar! 


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. 

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some 

time later, he realised that his horse had been stolen. 

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head 

without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stoll mah hoss?" he yelled with 

surprising forcefulness. 

No one answered. 

"Ah'm gonna have me another beer, an' if mah hoss ain't back outsaad by the tam ah'm finished, 

ah'm gonna do what ah did back in Texas. An' let me tell ya, ah doan wanna have to do what ah 

did back in Texas!" 

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. 

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up 

and prepared to ride out of town. 

Curious, the bartender wandered out of the bar and said a little nervously, "Say partner, what was 

it you did back in Texas anyway?" 

The cowboy turned back and said, 

"Ah had to walk home." 


Aer Lingus Flight 101 is flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Shamus 

the co-pilot. As they approach Dublin airport, they look out the front window. 

"B'jeesus" says Paddy "Will ye look at how focken short tat runway is". 

"Ye not focken kiddin Paddy", replies Shamus. 

"Tis is gonna be one a t'trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" says Paddy. 

"Ye not focken kiddin Paddy", replies Shamus. 

"Right Shamus. When I give t'signal, you put t'engines in reverse" says Paddy. 

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replies Shamus 

"And ten ye put t'flaps down straightaway" says Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replies Shamus. 

"And ten ye stamp on tem brakes as hard as ye can" says Paddy. 

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replies Shamus. 

"And ten ye pray to t'Mother Mary wit all a' your soul" says Paddy 

"I be doing tat already" replies Shamus, gripping the wheel tightly. 

So they approach the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as 

the wheels hit the ground, Shamus puts the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamps on 

the brakes and prays to Mother Mary with all of his soul. 

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeches to a halt inches 

from the edge of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. 

As they sit in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looks out the front window and says to 

Shamus "Tat has gotta be t'shortest fockin runway I've EVER seen in me whole life". 

Shamus looks out the side window and says "Ye right Paddy, but look how fockin WIDE it is". 

Mills Tiger says: 

Here is a Joke that is a good deal shorter than the Irish Joke ( so it is ) 

Two Fleas retired and bought themselves a Dog! 

sam tm says: 

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district 

and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to 

entertain him. 

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her 

ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to 

entertain the gentleman. 

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her 

ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away. 

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous 

that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced 

lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the 

madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits 

on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard 

as she can and leaves. 

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a 

brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes 

to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has 

made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. 

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and 

talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. 

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?" 

C. Martin says: 

An official from the Department of Health is carrying out a hospital inspection. He notices one 

building standing apart from the main hospital and asks to be shown inside. The Hospital Doctor 

who is showing him around takes him in. 

There is only one bed, in it's own room which is closed off from the corridor by a door and a

window. Through the window they can see there is a patient on the bed who looks very unwell - 

green and covered with spots. 

"He looks terrible!" says the inspector, "what's wrong with him?" 

"Well, we don't actually know" replies the consultant, "he has just come back from deepest Africa 

and he has symptoms of about twenty different diseases, most of which are contagious and are 

very difficult to deal with." 

"Is he on any medication?" asks the inspector 

"Not really. None of the medication we have seems to help him any." 

"I see; what about his food - is he on a special diet or anything?" 

"Actually, he is" replies the Doctor, "Every day we feed him on a combination of After Eight Mints 

and Cream Crackers" 

"Really?," says the inspector, astonished. "Does that help him any?" 

"No, not really" admits the Doctor 

"Well, does it at least hold back the progress of the dieseases at all?" 

"No, it doesn't seem to have done that either" 

"Well," says the inspector trying to understand, "is it his favourite food or something?" 

"No," says the Doctor, "in fact he doesn't seem to like it very much at all." 

"Why do you give it to him then?" asks the inspector. 

"Well," says the Doctor, "its the only thing we can slide under the door..." 

Mr. Adrian T. Batchelor says: 

What do you call a black pilot? 

A pilot you racist! 

Old Fox says: 

Oldie: 

Guy says to the waiter, "What's that fly doing in my soup!" 

I believe that's a breast stroke, monsieur. 

P. Stevenson says: 

I was asked to enter an 8 character password...i chose Snow White and the 7 dwarfs..lol 

Veedub says: 

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. 

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. 

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart 

problems. 

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. 

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. 

(it didn't do too much good for the Titanic either) 

Warn all your friends.

Tiny Tim says: 

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, 

some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the 

odd social session over the years. 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers 

and some rather nice claret. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over... the limit, I did 

something I've never done before - I took a bus home. 

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus 

before and am not sure where I got this one. 


Puns for Educated Minds 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from 

too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math 

disruption. 

5. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

6. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

7. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

8. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; 

I'll go on a head.' 

9. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me. 

10. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes. 

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns 

would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. 


Irish Furniture Dealer 

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he 

decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. 

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought 

would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and 

have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite 

crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. 

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French 

(which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit 

down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of 

minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass 

and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. 

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate 

with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small 

group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew 

a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe

closed and the band was packing up. 

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this 

day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. 

Grumpy Old Man says: 

How the Internet Got Started 

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto 

himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder 

and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy 

goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent? 

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but 

simply said, "How, dear?" 

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages 

saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale 

can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums 

rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, 

without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing 

what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was 

known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit 

ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. 

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that 

no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of 

Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made 

that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. 

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And 

Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a 

name that reflects what we are." 

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And 

because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. 

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he 

was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became 

known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). 

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. 

Orbiting Earth & Jupiter says: 

A man's driving down the high street in an open-back truck with 20 penguins in the back. 

The local policeman steps out into the road in front of the truck, blows his whistle, and holds up 

his hand ordering the driver to stop, which he does. 

"What's going on here, then? Looks like 20 penguins you've got there, not been nicked have they? 

"

"It's OK officer, no need to worry. I'm taking them to the zoo" 

The policeman was satisfied with this answer and let the driver continue his journey. 

The next day, same thing - same driver, same truck full of penguins being driven down the street, 

so the same policeman blew his whistle and ordered the driver to stop. 

"Oi! I thought you said yesterday that you were taking these here penguins to the zoo?" 

"I did! They really enjoyed themselves. I'm taking them to the cinema today" 

toasty says: 

A man is making love with a rather large lady in the missionary position, he whispers into her ear, 

"do you mind if we turn the light off"? she says, "do you like doing it in the dark" "no" he says "the 

light bulb is burning my bum" 

toasty says: 

Do you know,I haven't spoken to my wife for 3 years now, well I was told it was rude to interrupt!! 


what is a mistress ? Something inbetween a master and a mattress 

sam tm says: 

Did you hear of the overweight , alcoholic , transvestite ? 

All he wanted to do was eat , drink and be Mary . 

ann-1234 says: 

Guys, pay attention and you might learn something! 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE! 

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to 

shut up. 

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five 

minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around 

the house. 

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your 

toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. 

A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing 

here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 

That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay 

for your mistake. 

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. 

I want to add in a proviso here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm 

and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome', that will bring on a 'whatever'). 

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU! 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a 

woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a 

man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Sheriff Buck says: 

put some diesel in my escort last night .. got up this morning and she was dead 

S. A. Saltmer says: 

little boy stands on a butterfly, dad says `no butter for a week!` next day little boy stands on a 

honeybee, dad says `no honey for a week!` a few days later in the kitchen mum stands on a 

cockroach. the little boy looks at his dad and says àre you going to tell her or shall i` 

Veedub says: 

little boy stands on a butterfly, dad says `no butter for a week!` 

next day little boy stands on a honeybee, dad says `no honey for a week!` 

a few days later in the kitchen mum stands on a cockroach. the little boy looks at his dad and says 

.......................................àre you going to tell her or shall I` 

Veedub says: 

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. 

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room 

............. 

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, 

make a noise like a frog!" 

"What?" said her Grandpa. 

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to 

Disney Land!" 

Mrs. J. Billington says: 

joined a gym. It has the best machine ever to be seen in a gym! 

I used it for 15 minutes and started to feel sick!!!.... 

It has mars bars crisps coke twix and my fav smarties 

Veedub says: 

Dear Lord 

So far this year I've done well. 

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or 

overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, 

and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. 

Amen. 


My first offering for 2012. . . . 

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next 

door. The little girl is in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the side. 

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. 

What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" 

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman 

says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl 

has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were 

to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." 

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" 

A joke for any geeks out there. . . . 

Heisenberg is caught speeding and he gets pulled over by a policeman. 

The policeman says "Sir do you know how fast you were going?" 

Heisenberg says "no, but I know exactly where I am!" 

Veedub says: 

I made the dreaded mistake this Christmas and gave my Gran the crotchless panties meant for my 

wife. 

Fortunately, it turns out they're great for her incontinence. 

Veedub says: 

golf club* sign 

here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in scotland: 

1. back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 

2. form a loose grip. 

3. keep your head down! 

4. avoid a quick back swing. 

5. stay out of the water. 

6. try not to hit anyone. 

7. if you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you 

8. don't stand directly in front of others. 

9. quiet please...while others are preparing. 

10. don't take extra strokes. 

well done.. now, flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off. 

L. Arrowsmith says: 

I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". 

They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals. lol :P 


The First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish.......... 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin 

your day but I have totell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is 

enough". 

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and 

I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". 

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", 

she shouts, "I'll take care of this". 

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do 

a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until 

then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

David W. Saunders says: 

Two ariels got married. The wedding breakfast wasn`t up to much but the reception was brilliant. 

oscar says: 

I just got a job in shoe world, Taking there hush puppies for a walk. 

oscar says: 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 

oscar says: 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film 

said 18 or over." 

oscar says: 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices 

his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman 

grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick 

nicked." 

A Harding says: 

How many germs does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

1... no 2.... 4?..... 8! Stop!.... 16 make them stop...... 32..... 

Mrs. Bumble says: 

Funny thing shopping and the cost of cucumbers, amazing!!! New years eve, lady at the checkout 

charged me £92.80 just for one cucumber, if i had bought 116 of them that really would have 

been funny. Happy new year you guys. God Bless Amazon!! 


A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to cash a cheque. 

She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. 

She pauses for a moment, looks up at the teller, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's 

great....some ass-hole's got my pen! 

Old Fox says: 

Walk where: Oxford? Watch your tongue or some heel will really lace into you. But if you put your 

sole into it, it won't last. 

OldFox says: 

"DJ Johnson says: 

What's green and smell's of pork? Kermit's finger" 

Well, I'm glad it's not Kermit's johnson! 

sam tm says: 

"One day when my mother was out, my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2½ years old. 

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in 

the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was 

just water. After several cups of tea ...and lots of praise for such yum...my tea, my mum came 

home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea because it was 

'So cute!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; 

and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place he can 

reach to get water is the toilet?" 


whats long and pink and smells of ginger ? Fred astairs middle finger 

L. D. THOMPSON says: 

mickey and minny mouse go to a marriage guidence counceler and he says theres no grounds for 

a divorce just because she's got buck teeth mickey said i didnt say she had buck teeth i said she 

was fckuing goofy. 

Dryopithecus says: 

How do babies let adults know their feelings? 

They log on in dyperspace. 

sam tm says: 

I've just adopted a snow leopard. Can't wait for it to arrive so I can skin it to make a nice coat for 

my girlfriend. 

Veedub says: 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, 

I'll have to let her in. 

Veedub says: 

Paddy, a Leprechaun, is planning to marry so he is. So he goes to the King of the Little People and 

asks him how he can tell if his bride is still a virgin. 

The King says, "Aye Paddy, to be sure, all Irish humans use tree tings for what dey call the D-I-Y 

Virginity Test Kit - A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel." 

Paddy says "To be sure, what do I do with dese tree tings, Oh King? 

The king replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red 

and the other one blue. Then if she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see!' you hit 

her with the shovel." 

sam tm says: 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A 

few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his 

trousers and again washes his hands. 

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist." 

The guy, surprised, says: 

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?" 

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep was...hing your hands." 

One thing leads to another and they make love. 

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, 

says: 

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" 

The girl replies:..... 

"Didn't feel a thing." 

D Meharg says: 

why did the avon lady smile?.... because Max Factor 

What do you call lesbian dinosaur? a lickolotopuss 

sam tm says:

My Mate said 'I think I'm going to get a divorce, the wife's not spoken to me for six months'. 

I said, 'you want to reconsider, women like that are hard to find' 

H. M. Rutledge says: 

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One said to the other, you will have to play better 

tomorrow. Tomorrow you will be playing in the cup. 

roy says: 

Guy goes 2 the doctors ,, wots your trouble the doctor asks? Well 1 minute I think I am a tepee, 

the next a wigwam….that’s ok the doctor says you’re 2 tents ,, 


Two flies on a toilet seat; after a while one got pissed off...! 

D. A. Barnes says: 

I got talking to a girl with a glass eye last night. She didn't go out of her way to tell me, it just 

came out in the conversation 

Ian Keyes says: 

A guide shows some visitors to the Natural History museum a dinosaur skeleton. 

'This skeleton is 3 million and three years, two months and five days old' 

An amazed visitor replies 'How do you know that with such precision' 

The guide replies 'Well I've been here three years, two months and five days and they told me it 

was three million years old when I arrived' 

Paul M. Edwards says: 

Two tramps sitting on a bench; 

First tramp: Nice out, isn't it... 

Second tramp: Yeah, I think I'll get mine out too... 

Mr. David McArthur says: 

How many Beckhams does it take to screw in a light bulb?. Two; one to get the ladders and the 

other to phone the plumber. 

Chocheroo says: 

A man goes to the doctors to get some test results. "I'm sorry Mr Jones but it's not good news, I'm 

afraid you don't have very long to live" says the doctor. "That's terrible, how long do I have" 

replies the man. "10....."says the doctor. "What years, months, weeks" interrupts the man. The 

doctor answers "9, 8, 7, 6........" 

Fallen-Angel says: 

Three blondes while walking in the woods came accross some tracks and started arguing. The first 

blond argued they were 'deer tracks'. The second one said they were 'bear tracks' and the third 

argued they were 'lion tracks'. 

They were still arguing when they were hit by the train. 

to be continued….

Tell us a joke to cheer us all up. - Blog.de

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