January 2015 - UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

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Bull Talk Submitted by Thomas Hill 2014 was the first year in nine years that Pixar did not release a new film. Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. Since 1953 Mon-Sun: 9am - 10pm LuiggisPizzeria.com First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows." They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteenwheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 Uncle Andy’s Digest 22 (continued on next page) January 2015 ...with Jimbo 783-7039 SUNDAY Baked Ziti $ 6.00 THURSDAY Mini Pizza 1 topping $ 2.99 2 toppings $ 3.99 MONDAY The Fergy sm $ 2.50 lg $ 5.00 TUESDAY Meatball Subs WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, sm $ 3.35 w/ch $ 3.99 garlic bread, drink lg $ 6.50 w/ch $ 7.50 $ 5.25 FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians $ 7.99 EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $ 5.50 Jimbo to Tim: You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised the Earth’s temperature by 3 degrees. Brain Teaser Time The One That Got Away Can you find seven number words hidden in this paragraph Underline the number words in the phrase at the bottom. Example: the word eight could be hidden inside one word, height, or between two words, like this... We will ride in a sleigh tonight. Ready... go! Where has the fat worm gone He was wriggling away from my reel even before I had the hook on it! If I’ve lost him, I’ll be sorry. This evening I came prepared with reel, line and bait hoping to catch plenty of fish. It’s not often that a worm of ours gets away! Answer is on page 34. But at least give it a shot first! Tim to Jimbo: You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year. Mid Maine Drug Screening & Investigations Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator 577-6000 • www.MMDrugScreening.com You don’t know... unless you check. ck. ena nt Screeninn g Pre-Employment State & National Criminal History Local, State, National and Federal includes: Criminal History includes: • SSN verification/Address Verification • SSN Verification/Address Verification • InstaNational Criminal History • InstaNational Criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Federal Criminal History • Terrorist Watch List • Maine SBI Criminal History • Interpol / FBI Most Wanted • Terrorist Watch List • Sex Offender/Violent Offender Search • Sex Offender/ All States Violent Offender Search All States • Trans Unionn Credit Report w/ credit score • National Eviction Check (Civil courts, all states) $ 49 • Interpol / FBI Most Wanted Only Te • Drug & Alcohol Testing • Hair Folicle Testing • DNA/Paternity Testing • Private Investigations 9.99 each Other Services • Pre-probation Drug Testing • Instant Drug Test Kits & Supplies • Trial Preparation Online Orders for Background checks Run a backgorund check right from your own computer! Pain Mangement Clinics • Private Practices - Rehab Centers Property Management Companies • Hospitals Call us for more information @ 577-6000 I already know what I want to be when I get older... Younger! Ask about quantity discounts! (continued from previous page) pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Heck, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!" I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend, new to the city asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries." "Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo January 2015 UncleAndys.com 23
Page 1 and 2: UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unus
Page 3 and 4: At my age, flowers scare me. - Geor
Page 5 and 6: This New Year’s I resolve to be l
Page 7 and 8: You never realize what you have unt
Page 9 and 10: A group of eavesdroppers is called
Page 11 and 12: Because Business Should Lead To Abu
Page 13 and 14: I'd try to look on the bright side
Page 15 and 16: L I may be older than dirt, but I'm
Page 17 and 18: I need a new bank account. This one
Page 19 and 20: If 2014 was a person, I’d sue him
Page 21: Every year I make a resolution to c
Page 25 and 26: Annual Best Businesses for 2014 Bes
Page 27 and 28: Presented by: All I know for sure i
Page 29 and 30: Jimbo to Tim: You are so old, if yo
Page 31 and 32: We could certainly slow the aging p
Page 33 and 34: Jimbo to Tim: You're so old your so
Page 35 and 36: RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION
Page 37 and 38: Join us for our Super Bowl Party! $
Page 39 and 40: ✃ I haven't gained weight. I'm ju
Page 41 and 42: Tim to Jimbo: You're so old when yo
Page 43 and 44: ✃ The larger the lake of knowledg

January 2015 - UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

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