Uncle Andy's Digest - January 2016

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
Voted best International Restaurant
AND Best Sushi Restaurant by You,
via Market Surveys of America,
3 years running!
Jan. 7
Jan. 14
Jan. 21
Jan. 28
January 2016
LIVE MUSIC EVERY WEEK!
Join us Thursday Nights 7–9pm
Donnie Hebert
Michael Krapovicky
Peter Carriveau
Ron Bergeron
Ladies Night
Happy Hour
Specials!
Mermaid Night is Back!
20 Years later and it’s still
FREE
Every
LADY
chooses
a Treasure
from our
Fishbowl
Japanese Cuisine
40 East Ave., Lewiston • 207-795-6888
www.sea40me.com
207-782-7113
Get Your FREE
Quote Today!
Richard Moylan
(207) 777-0050
791 Kittyhawk Ave.
Unit 5, Auburn
richardmoylan@allstate.com
31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com
Insurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance
Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company
“Affordable Dental Excellence”
New Patient Special $ 88
Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays
Caring family Dentists & Specialists!
488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 207-783-8800
www.androscoggindentalgroup.com
Dr. Robert McVety, DMD

1967 Lisbon Road, Lewiston
Weight Loss • Healthy Foods • Customized Circuit Fitness
EDUCATION
RECIPE
SWAPS
TASTE
SAMPLINGS
WEIGHT
LOSS
SUPPORT
FITNESS
ADVICE
SIGN UP
NOW
Visit
mendabody.net
OR call
207-777-3223
Attend one
or all four!
Every Thursday
at 5:30pm!
Featuring: Walden Farms, Stacked Nutrition, Quest Nutrition,
Low Carb Bagels & Breads
MAX
RESULTS!
207-241-8237
Are You ready for a new level of fit?
207-241-8238
Eating Healthy Can Taste Great!

I hate insect puns, they really bug me.
MODERN WOODMEN
OF AMERICA
January 2016
Tuesday, Jan 5th
Luiggi’s 4pm – 7pm
(Chapter 10589)
67 Sabattus St., Lewiston
$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest
Saturday, Jan 9th
Sabattus KC Bean Supper
4:30pm – 6pm
Parish Hall 131 High St,
Sabattus
$6 Member; $7 Guest
Tuesday, Jan 12th
Roy’s Breakfast 7am – 10am
(Chapter 14437)
5 Washington St. Auburn
$3 Member; $4 Guest
Wednesday , Jan 13th
Schemengee’s 4pm – 7pm
(Chapter 12907)
551 Lincoln St, Lewiston
$8 Member; $9 Guest
Saturday, Jan 16th
KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper
4:30 - 5:30pm
(Chapter 14346)
8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn
$5 Member; $6 Guest
Tuesday, Jan 19th
Dairy Queen 4pm - 7pm
(Chapter 8609)
661 Minot Ave. Auburn
$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest
Tuesday, Jan 26th
Pizza Hut 11:30am – 1pm
(Chapter 10929)
Rt. 26, Oxford, ME
$5 Member
Thursday, Jan 28th
Mandarin 11:00am – 1pm
(Chapter 12749)
Sabattus St, Lewiston
$5 Member; $6 Guest
An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!’
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-
TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to
change. If additional info is needed, please
call our office, please do not call restaurants.
All activities can only be attended at
the times listed.
*************************
Tickets need to be purchased at the
Modern Woodmen District Office,
184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all
activities and can only be picked up the
week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs
9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon
(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
is published by the first
Friday of every month by Maine
Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.
with offices at 9 Grove Street,
Auburn, Maine, USA.
It is distributed free throughout
Central Maine and mailed to
subscribers all over the Free
World. Subscriptions are
$30/year. Send a check made out
to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to:
PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
UncleAndysDigest.com
Office: 207-783-7039
Fax: 207-777-3898
Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
AFFORDABLE DENTURES
Poorly fitting or broken
dentures repaired
on-site, usually
same-day service!
UAD Super Heroes
SPIDY
TIM
CAPTAIN
JIMBO
Also see us for:
• Full Dentures
• Immediate Dentures
• Partial Dentures
• Rebases
• Relines
• Repairs
• All work done in house,
including metal frameworks
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!
HULK
SMASH
THOMAS
We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted
We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider
FREE CONSULTATIONS
BATGIRL
TRACY
WONDER
WOMAN
PAM
SMILE AGAIN DENTURES
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
514-0660
SmileAgainDentures.com
Or email us at:
smileagaindentures@gmail.com
Mike & Joe
Adkins,
licensed
denturists
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to
ensure the accuracy of the information in our
client’s advertisements and our publication in
general, we are not responsible for vendor
availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,
product pricing errors, or omissions.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
4
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
"What else can we think about?" – Insomnia

I took a picture of a field of wheat, it was grainy.
Message
Delivery
Submitted by Jimbo
A man goes into an ice
cream parlor and says,
“I’d like two scoops of
chocolate ice cream,
please.”
23 Lisbon Street, • Lisbon/Lewiston line
207-353-6100
HOME OF THE 2 YEAR WARRANTY
ON ALL PARTS & LABOR!
(no matter the mileage)
theshopclassicrestorations.com
www.dockside.me
Wishing ALL a
Happy New Year!
Thank You
for
Your
Business!
Your Event... HERE!
Weddings • Graduations • Reunions • Birthday Parties
HALL RENTAL - Full Bar • up to 175 people • Ample Parking Full Kitchen • Clean & Bright
The girl behind the
counter says, “I’m very
sorry, Sir, but our delivery
truck broke down
this morning. We’re out
of chocolate.”
“In that case,” the man
says, “I’ll have two
scoops of chocolate ice
cream.”
“You don’t understand,
Sir,” the girl says. “We
have no chocolate.”
“Then just give me
some chocolate,” he
says.
Getting angrier, the girl
says, “Sir, will you spell
VAN, as in vanilla?”
The man says, “V-A-N.”
“Now spell STRAW, as
in strawberry.”
“OK. S-T-R-A-W.”
“Now,” the girl says,
“spell STINK, as in
chocolate.”
Only Post painted by Scott LoBaido in Maine!
American Legion Post 31
426 Washington St. N. Auburn • 207-783-6992 • LegionPost31.com
The famous SOS Breakfast 1 st Sunday of each month
Cooked to order. PUBLIC Welcome! Only $ 5
The man hesitates.
Then he says. “There
is no stink in chocolate.”
“THAT’S WHAT I’VE
BEEN TRYING TO
TELL YOU!” she
screams.
My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 5

Out ’n About with
the Auburn
Exchange Club
for their annual Christmas
Giving Program
My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing the laundry. I replied, “Loads.”
Look your best. Feel your best!
Guaranteed
or we’ll repeat
for FREE!
Call for details.
Scott Whalen
Expert wrapper
Most everyone else preferred
classic rock, but Scott
would have none of it.
THANK YOU
Rowe Ford for your
sponsorship! You made
a lot of kids very
happy!!
Botox & Juvederm • Wrinkle/Spot Removal • Skin Rejuvenation • I-Lipo • Hydrafacial MD
250 Center St, Auburn • Suite 206 (above Cosmo Prof)
207-333-3069 • yourbestskinofmaine.com
The king of diamonds proved hard to deal with.
Know Who You Hire
BIG SEXY
Shawn Holt
We’re not sure where the
nickname came from, but we
believe it was well picked.
I failed my driver's test
today. The instructor
asked me "What do
you do at a red light?"
I said, "I usually check
my emails and see
what people are up to
on Facebook."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
6
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
“The intelligent choice
for today’s world.”
Background checks for Employers
Misdemeanor Searches
Felony Searches
Statewide Criminal Conviction Searches
Driver Violation & Accident Reports
Professional License / Degree Verifications
Medicaid / Medicare Fraud Certifications
Sex Offender Registry Examinations
Kicking cancer
207-783-0000 or 1-800-818-8809 in the • can! www.KnowWhoYouHire.com
How did Mister Nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.

Interesting Fact: The American patriot Paul Revere was born
on January 1st, in the year 1735.
Out ’n About with
the Auburn
Exchange Club
for their annual Christmas
Giving Program
classrooms. offices. libraries. rest rooms. locker rooms. cafeterias.
Janet Sprague
The newest member to the
club, Janet was so busy
wrapping she couldn’t take
time to look up.
Every year,
for 20 some years, this
club has given winter
coats, hats, mittens, a
Christmas gift and a
complete turkey dinner
to approximately 75 children
who might not have
those things otherwise.
Designed for learning.
Engineered for longevity.
www.SchiaviLeasingCorp.com
Sadie Landry
The President of the Exchange
Club has taken the
bull by the horns.
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” – Winston S. Churchill
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 7

Out ’n About at
the Chickadee
of Lewiston
Interesting Fact: On January 1st, 1863, Abraham Lincoln issued the
Emancipation Proclamation freeing many slaves.
The nicest
mug ever!
O.M.G!
Billy Hird
opens his gift from his
employees
Uncle Andy’s Digest
8
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
They just found a sword swallower dead. The police suspect it's an inside job.

If you can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic,
you'll have to find a happy medium.
WE’RE EXPANDING!
We’ll have indoor seating, customer bathrooms & a walk-in beer cave!!
FREE
COFFEE
FRIDAY!
Free 20 oz. coffee
with purchase of
Breakfast Sandwich
every Friday.
Enjoy one of our
more than 200
menu items!
January Special:
Buffalo Chicken Wrap
(buffalo chicken, lettuce, tomato & ranch dressing)
Only $ 5
There’s NO PLACE like...
Dad’s Place
23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info
Out ’n About at
the Chickadee
of Lewiston
Earle & Angie
St. Hilaire
Luiggi’s & Blue Goose
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.” – Mark Twain
Kearsten Caiani &
Donna Chamberland
The bartenders
I’m a little
disappointed that
Barry couldn’t be
here...
www.pelletierskarate.com
“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”
– Charles Dickens
Matt Drewal &
Tricia Brooks
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 9

Well Done
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
The Pillsbury Doughboy,
died yesterday of
a severe yeast infection
and complications
from repeated pokes to
the belly. He was 71.
Now Serving Beer,
Wine & Spirits
Need Catering?
Call Us Today!!
New Fall Menu,
Full Breakfast,
Lunch, Dinner,
Burgers & More!!
Doughboy was buried
in one of the largest funeral
ceremonies in recent
years. Dozens of
celebrities turned out,
including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California
Raisins, Hungry Jack,
Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies,
Cap’n Crunch and
many others.
49 Spring Street, Auburn • 207-784-2300
Hours: Mon, Tues, Wed. 7am - 4pm; Thurs & Fri 7am - 9pm; Sat 8am - 9pm
World Tour for the 2nd Amendment
Happy Hour
4-6pm
Serving Dinner
Thurs. - Sat.
4-9pm
The grave was piled
with flours as longtime
friend, Aunt Jemima,
delivered the eulogy,
describing Doughboy
as a man who “never
knew how much he
was kneaded.”
Doughboy rose quickly
in show business but
his later life was filled
with many turnovers.
He was not considered
a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his
dough on half-baked
schemes. Still, even as
a crusty old man, he
was a roll model for
millions.
Doughboy is survived
by his second wife,
Play Dough. They have
two children and one in
the oven. The funeral
was held at 3:50 for
about 20 minutes.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
10
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
We have buyers searching NOW for the following homes:
3 Bedroom Ranch with garage (Lewiston/Auburn) $150,000-$175,000
3+ Bedroom 2 Bath Cape or colonial on 1+ acre(Auburn/Minot/Poland) $165,000-$215,000
Condominium with 1st floor bedroom & bath (Auburn/Lewiston/Gray) $175,000-$225,000
If you know someone who wants to sell a home that fits the above descriptions, call us TODAY!
Marnie DuBois
Kate Pastore & Rick Montminy
were recently at Gillette Stadium, just one of the stops on their world tour
promoting the 2nd Amendment. Here they are surrounded by true Patriots.
207-344-3230
195 Center St. • Auburn • DuBoisRealtyGroup.net
My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition.
Brian DuBois

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance
Own your
own business?
Want to make
it better?
Call us.
NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz
207-754-2003
Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Out ’n About at the
Lewiston PAL
Celebrity Hockey
Game
with former Maine
Mariner hockey players
I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow.
Bruce Shoebottom
played from 1987-1991
Who? Me?
Where am I?
The secret of happy living is not to do what you like, but to like what you do.
David St. Pierre
24 Mollison Way • Lewiston
786-2695
www.sparetimerec.com
FREE Game of Bowling for YOU!
Join Our V.I.P. Bowler Text Message Club
and get one FREE game of bowling!
Limit 1 per customer joining / not valid for use with any other promotion, discount or special pricing
FREE to join!
FREE to be a member!
Our V.I.P. Bowler Text Message Club members receive member only
discounts and offers from Spare Time Lanes texted right to their phone!
Text: SRLTPO to 71441 to join
You may receive up to 8 msgs/month Msg and data rates apply Rules @ bit.ly/1bXjn5z Opt out anytime - Text STOPSRLTPO to quit
Uncle Andy’s Digest
12
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Learning to walk in high heels will keep you on your toes.

My insurance did not cover acupuncture, so I got stuck with the bill.
Dress for
Success
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A priest was walking
along the corridor of
the parochial school
near the preschool
wing when a group of
little ones were trotting
by on the way to the
cafeteria. Little Johnny
stopped and looked at
him in his clerical
clothes and asked,
“Why do you dress
funny?”
He told him he was a
priest and this is the
uniform priests wear.
Out ’n About with the
Auburn
Exchange Club
Rowe Ford came on
board as a major sponsor of
the club’s annual Christmas
Giving Program for the first
time this year.
For 20+ years the Auburn
Exchange Club has honored
this tradition. There’s not
many things better than
giving children joy at
Christmastime. Especially
to families who might not be
able to do so on their own.
This year the club served
25 families, which totaled
75 children.
Each child received a
new winter coat, hat, mittens,
snow pants, a Christmas
gift and a complete
meal for the whole family.
Teaching your slinky new tricks is like spring training.
Sadie Landry
Auburn Exchange Club President
Jake Anderson
General Manager, Rowe Ford
My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can't tell if the situation sucks or not.
Little Johnny pointed to
the priest’s plastic collar
tab and asked, “Do
you have an owie?”
The priest was perplexed
till he realized
that to him the collar
tab looked like a bandaid.
So the priest took
it out and handed it to
Little Johnny, to show
him. On the back of the
tab were raised letters
giving the name of the
manufacturer.
Little Johnny felt the
letters, and the priest
asked, “Do you know
what those words
say?”
“Yes I do,” said Little
Johnny, who was not
old enough to read.
Peering intently at the
letters he said, “Kills
ticks and fleas up to six
months!”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 13

Job
Security
Submitted by Jimbo
A husband and wife
were driving down a
country lane on their
way to visit some
friends. They came to
a big, muddy hole in
the road and the car
became bogged. After
a few minutes of trying
to get the car out by
themselves, they saw a
young farmer coming
down the lane, driving
some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped
when he saw the couple
in trouble and offered
to pull the car out
of the mud for $50. The
husband accepted and
minutes later the car
was free.
The farmer turned to
the husband and said,
“You know, you’re the
tenth car I’ve helped
out of the mud today.”
The husband looks
around at the fields incredulously
and asks
the farmer, “When do
you have time to plow
your land? You must
do it at night.”
“No,” the young farmer
replied seriously, “Night
is when I put the water
in the hole.”
I tried talking to my dentist during a cleaning, but my words got flossed in translation.
Our 5th Annual
Competition!
OPEN
AUDITIONS
Saturday January 23, 2016
9am - 1pm
Franco Center, Heritage Hall
46 Cedar St. Lewiston
FMI Call Sandcastle at 782-2150.
Email: info@sandcastlemaine.org
Performers must bring their own
musical accompaniment, however,
a piano will be available that day.
The MAIN event will be on
Saturday, March 5th, 2016
Reception at 6pm • Show starts at 7:30pm
Franco Center, Lewiston
Tickets start at $25
Tickets available at the Franco Center Box Office 207-783-1585
1st Prize $ 750
2nd Prize $ 500
3rd Prize $ 250
Patient: Hey Doc, I
think I am addicted to
Twitter.
Doctor: Sorry, I don't
follow you.
Photo credit: EM Images
Sponsorships Available.
Please call 207-782-2150
All proceeds to benefit Sandcastle Clinical &
Educational Services and L/A Hearing Center.
www.sandcastlemaine.org
www.lahearingcenter.org
Uncle Andy’s Digest
14
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.” – Stephanie Klein

Happy
New Year!
Ice cold coffee? Cool beans!
Don’t spend $18 + at the
beauty salon, get your...
Mens & Boys CUTS for
All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts
Marcel’s
Barber Shop
54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444
OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm
$
12
Out ’n About at the
Lewiston PAL
Celebrity Hockey
Game
with former Maine
Mariner hockey players
LUNCH SPECIALS STARTING AT $ 8
Great food selections including salad bar & soup of the day
Enjoy Lunch with us Mon - Fri. 11:30 - 1:30
14 Great Falls Plaza, Auburn
(207) 784-4433
Since
1954
FREE
Brownie Sundae Dessert
with your lunch!
Valid Monday - Friday 11:30-1:30.
Must present coupon
UAD Expires 1.31.16
Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's just story after story.
✃
Rollodrome
WINTER SCHEDULE
Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm
Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00
Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm
Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm
Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm
Where Good Skaters Meet
Available for
private parties
12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940
www.rollodrome.com
Hey, I charge
people for my
photos!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 15

Uncle Andy’s Digest
16
Lion Tamer
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Two unemployed guys
are talking. One says,
“I’m going to become a
lion tamer.”
The other replies,
“That’s crazy, you don’t
know nothing about no
lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me
this. When one of
those lions comes at
you all roaring and biting,
what you gonna
do?”
“Well, then I take that
big chair they all carry,
and I stick it in his face
until he backs down.”
“Well, what if the lion
takes that big paw, and
hooks the chair with
them big claws, and
throws that chair out of
the cage? What do you
do then?”
“Well, then I take that
whip they all carry, and
I whip him until he
backs down.”
“Well, what if that lion
bites that whip with his
big teeth, and bites it in
two? What you gonna
do then?”
“Well, then I take that
gun they all carry, and I
shoot him.”
“Well, what if that gun
doesn’t work? What
will you do then?”
(continued on next page)
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
What makes a pig pink? Pigment!
Accent your Occasion, Function, Team, Group or Event with Printed Apparel!
Get Your FREE
Quote Today!
Where Service and Quality
make a difference!
207-576-3210
GRAPHICEXPLOSION.COM
Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...
NO PROBLEM!
• Appointments required
• Fully warranteed & certified
• $65/hr labor rate
Brad’s Precision Auto
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
Happy
New Year!
207-333-0364
Brad’s mechanics: (front) Dan & Mallory
(back) Marek, Eli & John
Turn Boring into
Have an open air photo booth at your next event!
207-619-2454 • GingersnapRentals.com
I applied for a server position. I am still waiting.
• Indoors or Out
• Great for Weddings,
Parties, Reunions,
Golf Tournaments &
More!

The testimony at the barbershop is mostly hair-say.
Happy New Year
We look forward to serving you in 2016!
The Vallee Family and whole team
at the Village Inn wish to extend our
sincere thankfulness to our community
for their continued support
throughout the year.
We really appreciate our friends
and our guests and we look forward
to serving you all in the New Year!
Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796
Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com
I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, she said she was all booked up.
DAD’S PLACE
REDEMPTION
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
Bottle Drives
Welcome!
MORE FOR YOUR $$
Get more for your returns
at Dad’s!
6¢
on all 5¢ returns
with this coupon.
(must present coupon at
Redemption Center prior to counting)
✃
Dad’s Redemption
UAD expires 1.31.16
May all your troubles not last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
(continued from previous page)
“Well, then I pick up
some of the crap that’s
on the bottom of the
cage, and I throw it in
his eyes, and I run out
of the cage.”
“Well, what if there ain’t
no crap in the bottom
of the cage? What you
gonna do then?”
“Well, that’s dumb.
Cause if that lion
comes at me, and he
throws the
chair out of the cage,
and he bites the whip
in two, and my gun
don’t work, there’s
going to be some crap
on the bottom of that
cage, you can
bet on that.”
Birthday
Celebration
Submitted by Jimbo
“Look at ME!!” boasted
the fit old man, pounding
a very flat and firm
stomach, having just
finished 100 situps before
a group of young
people.
“Fit as a fiddle! And
you want to know why?
I don’t smoke, I don’t
drink, I don’t stay up
late, and I don’t chase
after women!”
He smiled at them,
teeth white, eyes a glitter,
“And tomorrow —
tomorrow, I’m going to
celebrate my 90th
birthday!!”
“Oh, really?” drawled
one of the young onlookers,
“How?”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 17

Out ’n About with
Dad’s Place at their
Christmas Party
at Mac’s Grill in Auburn
“...and then the doctor slapped my little bottom and handed me to her.”
– How I Met My Mother
Now
Open!
Roger & Lisa
Millett
Hey honey,
what happened to
your drink?
Oh, crap!
Elwood & Debbie
Strout
The Dad’s Place crew played
a game where no one could
say, “drink”, “store” or “work”.
If they did they lost their
beads. Debbie was the eventual
winner.
207-783-3888
40 East Ave. Lewiston • Next to Sea40
Come check
out the
brand new
indoor
trampoline
park!
• Open jump arena
• Dodgeball
• Basketball
• “Trick” zone
• Separate jump
zone for children
under 8.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
18
Shelley Sturtevant
& Tat Atkins
I love my six pack so
much, I protect it with
a layer of fat.
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Hours: Mon-Thurs. 11a-9p; Fri. 11a-11p; Sat. 10a-11p • Sun. 10a-8p
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was orange.
A great
place to
celebrate
special
events!

The hardest thing about giving my 4 year old a timeout is how much I envy her.
NOW HIRING!
Make a difference in the lives of adults or
children while having a rewarding career!
Out ’n About with
Dad’s Place at their
Christmas Party
at Mac’s Grill in Auburn
What I wouldn’t
do for a good
photo bombing...
Work one on one with adults and children with a diagnosed
intellectual disability in support of their treatment goals both in
their homes and in the community. Must have a valid driver’s
license and a high school diploma or GED.
Whether you are skilled social services professional
or someone who is just starting out in this industry,
Merrymeeting Behavioral Health has a place for you to
utilize and/or build your skills!
• 100% Paid Training
• Flexible Hours
• FT and PT Positions
• Benefits for FT Staff
• Mileage Reimbursement
Willing to train
good people!
76 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 207-721-0214
Merrymeetingbha.com • hr@merrymeetingbha.com
Apply online TODAY!!
Help! I'm in Victoria's Secret with my wife and I don't know where to look.
BK Auto
Jenn & Chuck
Mundell
Jen will officially be a
Mundell on June 11th.
Full Service Garage • Quality Pre-owned Vehicles • New & Used Tires
Complete Restorations • State Inspection Station • Pipe Bending • Custom Exhaust
SATURN ION
150k miles
Now: $ 2,950
2007 Mini Cooper S
132k miles
Now: $ 6,800
Plow Truck Tires!
LT265/70/17 (10ply) $622.04
LT265/75/16 (10ply) $617.75
(includes tax)
Studding available $20 per tire
2000 Chevy K1500
w/ plow
175k miles
Now: $ 8,750
2290 Hallowell Road, Litchfield • 207-268-2163 • capt1022@yahoo.com
In my defense, you weren't supposed to take my advice.
Ironman All
Country
A/T
*All major tire brands
and sizes available
Happy
New Year!
Jerry Russo &
Laurie Callahan
Austin Bingham
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 19

Out ’n About at
the Chickadee
of Lewiston
Billy, let’s get
the other guys in
the photo...
“He had "Kermitment" issues.” – Ms. Piggy
Torrie Dubois &
Billy Stevens
Torrie is the award winning
bartender at the
Chickadee of Lewiston.
Visionary
Submitted by Jimbo
I bumped into an old
school friend at the
store today. He started
showing off, talking
about his well paid job
and expensive sports
cars.
Then he pulled out his
phone and showed me
a photo of his wife and
said, "She's beautiful,
isn't she?"
I said, "If you think
she's gorgeous, you
should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she
a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an
optometrist."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
20
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I'll buy a Fitbit when they have one that tracks how many miles I roll my eyes every day.

Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
The Evolution of Heating
unitedpipingandwelding.com
Late 1800’s
1980
A ship's captain is a sails manager.
My calculator is broken. It was divided in half.
2015
95%
efficient
Plumbing • Heating • Oil • Gas
Residential • Commercial • 24hr Emergency Service
207-754-4556
Out ’n About at the Chickadee of Lewiston
I know this
looks bad, but I’m
down here on
purpose!
Jim Kelly, Larry Stewart, Billy Stevens & Gill Vigue
chumming with the bartender, Torrie Dubois
Birthday
Celebration
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A lady was throwing a
party for her granddaughter,
and had
gone all out, with a
caterer, band, and a
hired clown.
Just before the party
started, two men
showed up looking for
a handout. Feeling
sorry for the men, the
woman told them that
she would give them a
meal if they will help
chop some wood for
her out back. Gratefully,
they headed to
the rear of the house.
The guests arrived,
and all was going well
with the children having
a wonderful time.
But the clown hadn’t
shown up. After a half
and hour, the clown
finally called to report
that he was stuck in
traffic, and would probably
not make the party
at all.
The woman was very
disappointed and
unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children
herself. She happened
to look out the window
and saw one of the
men doing cartwheels
across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he
swung from tree
branches, did mid-air
flips, and leaped high
in the air.
She spoke to the other
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 21

(continued from previous page)
man and said, “What
your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I
have never seen such
a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider
repeating this
performance for the
children at the party? I
would pay him $50!”
The other bum says,
“Well, I dunno. Let me
ask him. ‘HEY WILLIE!
FOR $50, WOULD
YOU CHOP OFF
ANOTHER TOE?’”
Out ’n About at
the Chickadee
of Lewiston
My cousin has a callus on only one foot. Does that make her a unicorn?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Continuous Quality Year After Year!
We look forward to serving you in 2016.
WANTED!
We are looking for an experienced
ASE certified Automotive Technician.
Experience a PLUS! Apply in person.
Quality Care Auto • 183 Lisbon St, Lisbon • 207-353-9862 • www.QCA.me
A Family Affair
Lisa, Matt & Billy Hird
L/A, we’re worth the
drive! We’re 5 minutes
from the Ramada.
Lining up
alphabetically seemed
like the way
to go.
Denise Asselin
& Denise Roy
Yep. We love
to have fun!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Make Heidi’s one of your resolutions, we’ll make it stick!
What kind of
line up is this
anyway?
Coco Crovo &
Paul Landry
How do mountains see?
They peak.
Mon-Sat 7am-9pm
Sun 10am-8pm
Locally Owned
& Operated
Includes soup,
1/2 sandwich,
choice of
potato salad,
coleslaw or
chips, &
pickle
600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • heidisauburn.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
22
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
We are out of light bulbs. Our home faces a dim outlook.

Sailing is like oil drilling because they're both crewed businesses.
Triple
Play
Submitted by Jimbo
My husband and I were
returning home from
our childbirth class at
Manhattan’s Beekman
Hospital.
Noting my obvious
pregnancy, the taxi
driver, a Mr. Ho, proceeded
to tell us about
his wife’s experience at
the same hospital. She
had been admitted one
December 24 and the
next day delivered
triplets.
“Happiness is a warm puppy.” – Charles M. Schulz
Happy New Year! We Appreciate Your Support!
Visitors and staff were
amused Christmas
morning when they
saw the newborns in
the nursery and read
the names on the three
bassinets: Ho, Ho, Ho.
Mom’s New
Piano
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Dee Chapman
Owner, master stylist,
color specialist
ALL ABOUT
Leah Cross
Manager, PM National
Educator, Master Stylist
Linda Thompson
Stylist
Samantha Futch
Stylist
Bring in a friend for a Chemical Service and receive
50% OFF your next service.
Your guest will receive a $20 product card.*
*Restrictions may apply.
Expires February 2016.
41 Broad St., Auburn • 207-784-5407 • AllAboutUsalonla.com
My Dad bought my
Mom a piano for her
birthday.
A few weeks later, I
asked how she was
doing with it.
“Oh,” said My Dad, “I
persuaded her to
switch to a clarinet.”
“How come?” I asked.
“Well,” he answered,
“because with a clarinet,
she can’t sing….”
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
– Charles Bukowski
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 23

Discipline
Submitted by Thomas Hill
“I remember 2015 like it was yesterday!” – January 1, 2016
A school teacher injured
his back and had
to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part
of his body. It fit under
his shirt and was not
noticeable at all. On
the first day of the
term, still with the cast
under his shirt, he
found himself assigned
to the toughest students
in school.
Walking confidently
into the rowdy classroom,
he opened the
window as wide as
possible and then busied
himself with desk
work. When a strong
breeze made his tie
flap, he took the desk
stapler and stapled the
tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with
discipline that term.
Tough Talk
Submitted by Jimbo
Three little boys were
bragging about how
tough they were. ”I’m
so tough”, said the first
boy, “that I can wear
out a pair of shoes in a
week.”
“Well,” said the second
little boy, “I’m so tough,
I can wear out a pair of
jeans in a day.”
“That’s nothing,” said
the third boy. “When
my parents take me to
see my grandma and
grandpa, I can wear
them out in a hour.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
24
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
No, I dont have bad handwriting. I have my own font.

Kayla Rioux
Dental Assistant
Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?
Dr. Michelle L. Mazur-Kary
DDS, MPH
Your Root Canal
Specialist!
Erin Brown
Practice Manager
Central Maine Endodontics is
pleased to announce the
opening of our second location
in Yarmouth, Maine. Patients
will receive the same great
care from board certified
Michelle L. Mazur-Kary, DDS,
MPH and her team. We look
forward to serving our great
patients in both communities.
219 Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn ME 04210 • 10 Forest Falls DR. Unit 5, Yarmouth ME 04096
783-1671 • 888-330-9600 • Fax: 783-3717
email: cendodontics@roadrunner.com • www.centralmaineendodontics.com
“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” – Winston S. Churchill
Hostage
Situation
Submitted by Jimbo
My mother was away
all weekend at a business
conference. During
a break, she
decided to call home
collect.
My six-year-old brother
picked up the phone
and heard a stranger’s
voice say, “We have a
Marcia on the line. Will
you accept the
charges?”
Frantic, he dropped the
receiver and came
charging outside
screaming, “Dad!
They’ve got Mom! And
they want money!”
Average
Weight
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Doctor: What’s your
average weight?
Patient: I have no idea.
Doctor: Well, what do
you think is the most
you have ever
weighed?
Patient: I’d say about
one hundred and fiftyfour
pounds.
Doctor: Good. And
what do you think is
the least you have ever
weighed?
Patient: Six pounds, fifteen
ounces, I think.
Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 25

Life Lessons
from Frosty
Submitted by Jimbo
Wearing white is always
in style – even
after Labor Day.
Getting outside in the
winter is good for your
health.
It’s fun just to hang out
in your front yard.
We’re all made up of
mostly water.
Accessories don’t have
to be expensive.
Don’t get too much
sun!
If you’re a little bottom
heavy – hey, that’s
okay!
Where are average things made? In the satisfactory.
UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT
Large Inventory
of Guns & Ammo
• Concealed Weapons
Courses
• Basic Pistol Courses
481 Maine St, Poland Spring
207-998-2806 • TopGunofMaine.com
ALL PRICES THROUGHOUT THE STORE HAVE BEEN REDUCED
STOP BY AND CHECK US OUT!
We Buy Guns
Maine’s Premier Indoor Shooting Range & Gun Shop
I tried to finish the leftovers, but ... foiled again.
Out ’n About at the Chickadee
of Lewiston
You know you’ve made
it when they write a
song about you.
If you look down and
can’t see your feet –
you’re probably not
very active.
Sometimes sweating
too much can have
disasterous results.
Nina Bartlett, Boomer Vachon,
Dan LaBonte & Steve Bartlett
People say that as a child, William Shakespeare was very playful.
Mainely Foot Care & Wellness
Kathy Long
Aesthetician /Podologist
Tiffany Parsons
Massage Therapist
Foot Care • Massage
Reflexology • Skin Care
155 Center Street, Auburn
(207) 784-6699 • mainelyfootcare.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
26
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from,
but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

WORRYING does not take away tomorrows' TROUBLES, it takes away today's' PEACE.
Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
Art Letourneau
WWW.SRCU4U.COM
“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong
end of a telescope.” – Dr. Seuss
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET
Daily Specials:
Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59
Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99
Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99
........................................................................lg. $3.49
Thursday: Bowl of Chili......................................$3.99
BLT .............................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49
Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49
Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59
Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza
2 Main Street, Sabattus • 207-375-8502
For the best in
take-out,
groceries, fresh
meats, cold beer
& more!
Try us once,
you’ll be a regular!
Calvin Ames,
Jimmy Turcotte &
Nick Fischer
Jeremy Barnies with his
granddaughter, Carlene
Our pizza
will make whatever
you’re doing better.
Come find out for
yourself!
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
$
5 .00 OFF
ANY 2 LARGE
PIZZAS
UAD Expires 1.31.16
Carmen Coulombe
The cardiovascular
system is a work of
artery, but is also
really vein.
I've heard that the airplane industry is really taking off and reaching new heights.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 27

Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan
play at that game.
Chuck, Ford, &
Whitney Buker
I think that
photographer is in
cahoots with Uncle
Andy’s Digest...
Craig & John
Latuscha
David Gunter &
Andrea Gunter
Eliza Bachelder &
Phoebe Messinger
Uncle Andy’s Digest
28
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
My clock radio goes off with alarming frequency.

Abrupt appearance of sinkholes is ground breaking news!
AUBURN
649 Turner St.
207-330-7081
Open 7 Days a week
7am-10pm
Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT
Satisfaction Guaranteed!
Everything You Love For Breakfast!
FREE*
Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner
Purchase any regularly menu entree
and two beverages and receive a second
entree of equal or lesser value FREE
(up to $8.00 value) exp. 2/15/16
Valid Monday-Friday
20% OFF*
Entire Guest Check
(Regularly priced menu items only.)
Valid Monday-Friday
exp. 2/15/16
$
5 OFF*
$20.00 or more
Receive $5.00 off of your guest check
when you spend $20 or more.
Valid Monday-Friday
exp. 2/15/16
*Offers are for regular priced items only. Discounts not valid on specialty items and senior menu items. Cannot be combined
with any other offer or discount. Not valid on weekends and holidays. Valid at Auburn ME location only.
Fleur, Kevin, Emma-
Rose & Kealan Vining
Dad,
can this guy be
trusted?
Ford & Chuck Buker
Super Senior Night
Every Monday & Wednesday After 4pm
FREE
Buy 1 Entree & Two Beverages
at regular price, receive a
second entree of equal or
lesser value FREE.
KIDS EAT
FREE*
Every Tuesday & Thursday After 4pm
*One kids meal per adult entree.
Drink not included. Not valid
with any other discounts or
advertised specials.
Dine in only.
George Ebbinghousen
& Jaine Jacobs
All You Can Eat Pancakes!!
Jan. 4th thru Feb. 14th
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Jay Calnan
President of Great Falls
RR Club
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 29

Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s 21 st
Y
O
UR
V
O
TES
Best Chinese Restaurant:
Chopsticks
37 Park St., Lewiston • 783-6300
#1 Jeweler in the area:
600 Center St.,
Auburn • 784-6766
Best Auto Body
Shop in the area:
1524 Minot Ave.,
Auburn • 784-6121
Best Dance Studio:
Mary Jane’s School of Dance
675 Main St. Lewiston • 946-7302
Best Pizza:
95 Lincoln St.,
Lewiston • 786-2020
Best Casual
Restaurant:
120 Center St.,
Auburn • 786-0715
14
20
18
21
16
Lewiston
House of Pizza
14
Best Community
Bank/Credit Union:
391 Main St.,
Lewiston • 784-5435
Best Convenience
Store:
484 Center St.,
Auburn • 622-1609
Best Chiropractor:
Dr. Gerald Nadeau
Best Hair Colorist:
336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1104
Best Roofing Contractor:
99 Spring St.,
Lewiston 784-1819
Best Prime Rib
775 Washington St N,
Auburn • 784-2110
124 Ash St.,
Lewiston • 782-9046
St. Hilaire
Contractors
7
7
7
7
7
7
Best Banquet Facility:
490 Pleasant St, Lewiston
330-3775 14
Inn &
Conference
Center
Best Hair Salon:
124 Ash St.,
Lewiston • 782-9046
7
A
RE
I
N
Best Landscape Company:
78 Lisbon St, Lisbon
353-4848
Best Insurance Agency:
Bilodeau Insurance
541 Lisbon St, Lewiston, • 784-4029
Best Sports
Pub:
120 Center St.,
Auburn • 786-0715
Best Breakfast Place:
11
Rolly’s
87 Mill Street Auburn
753-0171 8
DINER
9
13
Best Eye Care Professionals:
Optometric Associates
Dr. Pauline Beale, Dr. Douglas Henry, Dr. Stephen Ebersole
168 East Ave., Lewiston (784-3564)
Best Burger:
120 Center St.,
Auburn • 786-0715
Best Financial Planners:
541 Lisbon St.,
Lewiston
786-0651
Best
Wait Staff:
120 Center St.,
Auburn • 786-0715
6
Poirier
6
6
Associates
5
Market Surveys of America, an independent survey company, is proud t
Best Businesses for 2015 Survey. The above winners are the result of public b

Annual Best Businesses for 2015
Best Heating Oil Service:
3 Conant Rd
Turner
225-3588
Best Boutique:
785 Main St., Lewiston
754-3057
Best Contract
Security Company:
86 Main St.,
Auburn • 800-292-4965
Best Place To Buy Carpet/Flooring:
675 Main St.,
Lewiston
782-0831
Best Automotive Service:
101 Lisbon Rd.,
Lisbon • 407-2955
Best Car Wash:
1103 Lisbon St.,
Lewiston
333-3655
4
Best Real Estate Company:
3
Best International
Restaurant:
40 East Ave. #2
Lewiston • 795-6888
Best Sushi
Restaurant: 3
40 East Ave. #2
Lewiston • 795-6888
3
Best Bar/Lounge:
490 Pleasant St.,
Lewiston • 330-3775
Best Martini Bar:
490 Pleasant St.,
Lewiston • 330-3775
336 Center St.,
Auburn • 784-3800
3
4
5
Blanchard’s Cash Fuel, INC
3
3
4
J&S Oil/Ultra
Clean Car Wash
Japanese Cuisine
Japanese Cuisine
at the Ramada Inn
at the Ramada Inn
2
Best Dental Care Facility:
22 Strawberry Ave.
Lewiston • 782-0670
Best Buffet:
279 Center St.,
Auburn • 241-0870
Best Mortgage Company:
Debbie Bodwell, MLS #280336
181 Center St.,
Auburn • 777-1551
Best Massage
Therapy:
600 Turner Rd. #3
Auburn • 376-3233
Best Flower
Shop: 2
14 Millett Dr.,
Auburn • 782-3457
Best Take Out:
245 Center St.,
Auburn • 376-4295
Best Attorney:
192 Lisbon St.,
Lewiston • 786-0606
#
Indicates
number of years
as winner.
2
1
1
2
Dr. James P.
Herbert, DMD
2
2
Ann’s
Flowers
Best Plumber: Ray Hurilla Plumbing
Greater Lewiston/Auburn Area & Heating Co.
485-7357 1
Best Hearing Aid Center:
1761 Lisbon St.,
Lewiston • 777-1134
1
Vote online at:
BESTOFSURVEYS.COM
Y
O
UR
V
O
TES
A
RE
I
N
Paid for by Market Surveys of America
o announce the winners of the 21st annual Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s
allots and internet voting for the Lewiston/Auburn small business community.

Audrey Martin
Independent Hair Stylist
240-2591
746 Main St, Ste 2, Lewiston • escadahairstudio.com
CALL THE PROS
Harris Brothers Rubbish Removal
70 Main St, South Paris 1-844-ME-TRASH
Residential~Commercial~Clean outs/Bulks
Serving Oxford Hills, Minot, Hebron, Poland, Bridgton,
Denmark, Naples, Lewiston & Auburn
GOT TRASH?
www.harrisbrothersrubbish.com
Join us for some Affordable FUN!
$
12 up to 48 cards - Games pay $ 50 - $ 100
LYAF
Alternative Sprinkler
Fire Protection
Peace of Mind
is always included when you do
business with us!
Installation • Service • Inspections
Dan Banker • 207-838-8930
Sunday at 6:00PM
Wed., Thurs, & Friday
at 6:30PM
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394
Get Your $ 500
Rebate on
Energy Star Boilers
& Water Heaters
CALL RAY TODAY!
Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating Co.
207-485-7357
RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com
Voted
BEST
Plumber
by
Market Survey
of America
COMPLETE MECHANICAL
REPAIR
State Inspections •
25 Fern Street, Turner
207-225-5012
Licensed
Arborist
20+ years
Blackie’s Farm
Fresh Produce
Open Year Round
966 Minot Ave, Auburn
207-786-0005
6am - 8pm
• Tree Cutting & Removal
• Tree Trimming & Pruning
• Stump Grinding
• Storm Damage Cleanup
Tires & Batteries •
Tune-ups & Brakes •
Engine Diagnostics •
Air Conditioning •
Complete Front End Work •
FREE Shuttle Service •
I ordered a vault and speakers to be delivered to my home yesterday. They arrived safe and sound.

CALL THE PROS
LaBonte Financial Services, Inc
Tax Preparations
& Planning
Bert LaBonte, CPA, MBA, MST
155 Center Street, Auburn
782-9500 • bglcpa@aol.com
Call
for FREE
Estimate!
CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR WITH BEING YOUR OWN BOSS!
Booth
Rental
Available
26 Nickerson Ave, Auburn • 207-784-2545
(behind Great Falls Credit Union)
Rachel Larrivee Massage Therapy
Also offering on-site
services for the
workplace & home
183 Main Street, Lewiston
754.7707 • LewistonMassage.com
Refresh Your Smile
for the New Year!
Affordable, Personalized
Dental Hygiene.
Quality
Workmanship
since 1989
Dental Hygiene & Wellness
137 East Ave, Lewiston • 207-241-0667
SassevilleHealthySmile.com
Central Maine’s choice for
Complete Home Remodeling
Insured • References • FREE Quotes
207-786-4414
www.straightlineroof.com
Expert business, personal and non-profit tax and financial
statement preparation.
QuickBooks ProAdvisor on staff for all your
bookkeeping needs.
Personal service to EVERY client!
1071 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 207-783-2839 • www.rrscpa.com
I tried to update my computer this morning but it wouldn't work. After several attempts, I had that syncing feeling.

CALL THE PROS
Visit our Newly Expanded showroom,
we’ve doubled in size to offer more!
Pauline Guimond
Stylist
Call for your preferred
time today!
185 Webster St., Lewiston
207-783-0200
Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written
and a sentence that's, well, written.
Permanently Closed
Now to
work on
retiring from
Gisele’s
‘Honey-Do
list!
We got this card especially
for YOU!
Tom Larrivee
His line is officially closed at Great Falls Post
Office! Congratulations on your retirement after
35 years of service!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
34
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
– Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

SUNDAY
Baked Ziti
$
6.00
THURSDAY
Mini Pizza
1 topping $
2.99
2 toppings $
3.99
“So many books, so little time.” – Frank Zappa
Since 1953
Open Daily 9am - 10pm
MONDAY
The Fergy
sm $
2.99
lg $
5.75
LuiggisPizzeria.com
TUESDAY
Meatball Subs
Shout "out" to baseball players who get three strikes.
WEDNESDAY
Spaghetti Dinners
1 meatball, salad,
sm $
3.35 w/ch $ 3.99
garlic bread, drink
lg $
6.50 w/ch $ 7.50 $
5.99
FRIDAY
$1.00 OFF
Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY
2 Ham or Salami
Italians
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $ 5.99
Our Stars Shine Brighter
Come see us for the rewarding career
you’ve been looking for!
WE’RE HIRING!
Join our team of caring professionals!
Apply online at JFMhomes.org or visit 800 Center St, Auburn.
$
7.99
John F. Murphy Homes, Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer and complies with all local, state, and federal guidelines
in its employment practices & services provided.
Experiencing Deja Vu indicates that you are exactly where you're supposed to be
at that very moment.
Golfing
Gorilla
Submitted by Thomas Hill
The pro at the country
club was rude. When
he beat you on the golf
course he not only took
your money he then
told you everything you
did wrong and suggested
that you would
never be able to hit the
ball out of your own
shadow.
One of the members
had enough. So he
bought a gorilla and
trained it to play golf.
He then set up a game
with the pro, $1000 to
the winner.
The day of the match
arrived and all parties
were ready. The first
hole was a par five of
575 yards. The pro
teed off splitting the
fairway some 270
yards out.
The gorilla lumbered
up to the tee. Placed
the ball on the ground
and made a mighty
swing. The ball rocketed
off the clubface
100, 200, 300 400
,500, 575 yards and
stopped 5 inches from
the cup.
The pro just about wet
his pants. If this was an
indication of the way
things were going to go
then he would never
live it down. He put
down his clubs and immediately
settled the
bet, remembering that
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 35

(continued from previous page)
he had urgent business
across town.
As they walked from
the tee the pro asked,
“How does he putt”
Music has been known to improve relationships. It can strengthen a couple's bond
and relieve emotional tension.
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983
The challenger answered,
“Oh about the
same as he drives,
around 575 yards.”
Go Pats!!
OUR TIRES
Walk of
Shame
Submitted by Thomas Hill
On New Year's Eve,
Tim was in no shape to
drive, so he sensibly
left his Lincoln in the
parking garage and
walked.
As he was wobbling
along, he was stopped
by a policeman. “What
are you doing out here
at four o'clock in the
morning?” asked the
police officer.
“I'm on my way to a
lecture,” answered Tim.
Scooter
We can do it:
• Wheel alignment
& balancing
• Complete brake
work
• Engine tune-up
• Lube-oil-filter
• State Inspections
60 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026
I'm not brave. I'm just past the age where running is an option.
Minion Santa visits Jasmine Cafe
The employees of Jasmine Cafe
got into the holiday spirit and offered pictures
to be taken with the Minion Santa.
“And who on earth, in
their right mind, is
going to give a lecture
at this time on New
Year's Eve?” asked the
officer sarcastically.
“My wife,” slurred Tim.
People are so worried
about what they eat
between Christmas
and the New Year, but
they really should be
worried about what
they eat between the
New Year and
Christmas.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
36
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
“You don't get in life what you want; you get in life what you are.” – Les Brown

“I'll give you 5 minutes to yourself, but only 10 seconds at a time.” – Kids
JT Reid’s
Guns
Purchasing
Gun Collections
of Any Size!
Hand Gun
Safety Course
January 16th
8am - 1pm
Call Today to Reserve
Your Seat!
86 Court St., Auburn
777-3579
www.jtreidsgunshop.com
Out ’n About with
Dad’s Place at their
Christmas Party
at Mac’s Grill in Auburn
I suppose
we ought to include
the guys, huh?
Heather Burgess
& Dani Sanborn
Turning
Ordinary
into
Extraordinary!
Top Quality,
Experienced and
Exceptional DJ Service
Weddings • Cocktail/Dinner Magic • Bar Mitzvahs • Events • Celebrations
MagicalDJProductions.com • 207-576-4289
BOOK
EARLY!
Sam Pike &
Heather Burgess
336 Center St. Auburn
777-1611
Dani & Ethan
Sanborn
The newlyweds
Thank You for Your Support!
Front row: Darcy • Amanda • Jen - Back row: Christopher • Kelley • Dezarae
When the farmer died,
all his chickens were
sold to the highest bidder.
They would have
preferred to stay on the
farm, but auctions
speak louder than
birds.
I think War and Religion need to go to couples' therapy.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 37

I don't need one of those sticks, the police take my selfies.
EMERGENCY RESPONSE
• Water Damage
• Fire/Soot/Smoke Damage
• Mold Remediation
• Odor Removal
ServiceMaster Fire
& Water Restoration
207-539-4452
COMMERCIAL CLEANING
• Carpets - Commercial & Residential
• Hard Surface Floors
• Tile and Grout
• Post Construction Cleaning
29 Brickyard Circle, Auburn
www.smfireandwater.com • www.smcarpetcleaning.com
THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS
1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn
784-8587 or (888) 895-6801
AndroscogginOrtho.com
“Where you’re
treated like family.”
When I grow up I want to be a kid.
Out ’n About at the Lewiston PAL Celebrity
Hockey Game
50/50 Raffle Volunteers
Santa (aka Paul Jalbert) pays a visit to All About U's
Haircuts for Hope Christmas Party
Kaelynn Girouard, Elena Clothier, Paige
Dymkoski & Lauren Foster
Send us your
jokes & stories.
We’ll get YOU published!
Send them to
editor@UncleAndys.com
for consideration.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
38
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
If you brush your teeth using the hand that you don't usually do,
your self control level will increase.

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz
Out ’n About with
Dad’s Place at their
Christmas Party
at Mac’s Grill in Auburn
Mr. Frederick,
we should visit
Hollywood?
Presents L/A’s
40 Under 40
YPLAA is pleased to present the INAUGURAL EVENT of the
Lewiston-Auburn area’s top 40 professionals under the age of 40.
Candace & Sam
Frederick
All nominees will be in one of 10 categories with the top four vote getters
in each category winning the prestigious honor of being one of our
40 under 40!
The Categories
• Education
• Entrepreneurs
• Local Heroes
• Local Government/Civic Leaders
• Volunteers
• Building L/A
• Health & Wellness
• Economic Development
• Emerging Leaders
• Creative Geniuses
It’s time to nominate (thru January 31st)
a young professional you know that
lives, works or plays in L/A.
How do I nominate a
Young Professional?
1. “Like” YPLAA on Facebook
2. Follow the link and instructions
for submitting a nomination.
Nominations accepted thru
January 31, 2016.
3. Cast your vote! Voting happens
February 1–29th.
(max one vote per category per person)
All 40 Under 40 winners
will be recognized at the
YPLAA’s
10th Anniversary Dinner
on Friday, May 13, 2016.
This
BLACK TIE
EVENT
will be one to remember!
Questions? Email chair@yplaa.com • www.yplaa.com • Stay connected:
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Angie & Scott Barry
Lyndon Proulx
& Hailee Cote
Guest: “Why does
your dog sit there and
watch me eat?”
Hotel Host: “I can’t
imagine, unless it’s because
you have the
plate he usually eats
from.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 39

New Team
Member
48% of women and 38% of men admit to stalking someone online before going out on a
date with them.
Dezarae’ Walker
Perfect Image Salon &
Spa is please to announce
the addition of
their newest team member.
Dezarae' Walker is a
Nail Technician, who is
happy to be part of this
team.
Dezarae' is a Maine
native and has had a
passion for beautifying
nails for many years. She
offers manicures, pedicures,
acrylics, Shellac
manicures, unstoppable
nail art, and specializes
in custom blended color
acrylics.
Stop by and say hello
to Dezarae’ at Perfect
Image Salon & Spa, located
at 336 Center
Street in Auburn. Call
207-777-1611 if you’d like
to make an appointment.
See their ad on page 37.
A boss tells his new
employee, “I’ll give you
8 bucks an hour starting
today and in three
months, I’ll raise it to
10 bucks an hour. So
when would you like to
start?”
”In 3 months.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
40
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
– Abraham Lincoln

If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
BEST OF THE BEST!
Beth Favreau, Lauri Dupile, Laurie Levesque, Debbie Bodwell, Courtney Vincent & Shani Smith
Voted Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s
Best Mortgage Company two
years running, 2014 & 2015!
Free Advice
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A doctor and a lawyer
were talking at a party.
Their conversation was
constantly interrupted
by people describing
their ailments and asking
the doctor for free
medical advice. After
an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor
asked the lawyer,
“What do you do to
stop people from asking
you for legal advice
when you’re out of the
office?”
“I give it to them,”
replied the lawyer, “and
then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was
shocked, but agreed to
give it a try. The next
day, still feeling slightly
guilty, the doctor prepared
the bills. When
he went to place them
in his mailbox, he
found a bill from the
lawyer.
Ketchup
Submitted by Thomas Hill
NMLS ID# 1760, ME Supervised Lender License No. SLM2537
Equal Housing Opportunity
Debbie Bodwell, NMLS#280336
VP, Mortgage Banker
181 Center Street | Auburn, ME 04210
P 207-777-1551 | F 207-777-1933
Debbie.Bodwell@RMSmortgage.com
www.RMSmortgage.com/DebbieBodwell
A woman was trying
hard to get the ketchup
to come out of the
bottle.
During her struggle the
phone rang so she
asked her four-year-old
daughter to answer the
phone.
The child said,
“Mommy can’t come to
the phone right now.
She’s hitting the
bottle.”
Economic experts report that while cactus sales have spiked,
aquarium sales have tanked.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 41

There is a highway in Michigan that bans all motor vehicles - it can only be traveled on by foot, horse, or bicycle.
The Cote Corporation
“Dedicated to Excellence”
Crane & Rigging Since 1966
Millwright • Transportation • Warehousing
2980 Hotel Road, Auburn • 207-783-0561 • www.cotecrane.com
Out ’n About at the
Lewiston PAL
Celebrity Hockey
Game
with former Maine
Mariner hockey players
When my ice house falls apart igloo it back together.
Former Maine Mariners
Bruce Shoebottom 87-91 & Steve Tsjiuta 82-90
“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” – Paul Terry
Jimmy “The Cat” Avery
& his son, Maverick
“Snow is diamonds for
a faery's feet; Blithely
and bonnily she trips
along,
ISIS Causing A Crisis?
Exercise your 2nd Amendment right.
For personal, family and home safety
call the pros at...
Her lips a-carol with a
merry song,
And in her eyes the
meaning... Life is
sweet!”
― Ruby Archer
Don Mailhot
NRA - Law Enforcement
207-576-5131
NRA Certified Instruction
Education • Training • Confidence
Bill Rousseau
NRA - Law Enforcement
207-576-6961
Roland Levasseur
NRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight
rdtacticalhandgun.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
42
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
You'd have to walk for about 6 hours straight to burn off a McDonald's Big Mac combo
meal.

Join us for our
Super Bowl Party!
$50 pp (all inclusive)
Tailgate Hors d'oeuvres & includes
2 beverages of your choice! Tons of giveaways!!
Super Bowl Sunday!
12+ Grand Prizes!
Everyone gets a prize!
and MUCH, MUCH MORE!!
No better
place to be on
Super Bowl
Sunday!
Happy
New Year!
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

Out ’n About with
Dad’s Place at their
Christmas Party
Uncle Andy’s Digest
44
at Mac’s Grill in Auburn
The expansion
at Dad’s Place is
coming along nicely.
See page 9 for
more info.
Louise & Fern
Roy
Dalmatian
Discussion
Submitted by Jimbo
A mom playing taxi
was delivering a station
wagon full of kids
home one day when a
fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian. The children
fell to discussing
the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep
crowds back,” said one
youngster.
“No,” said another,
“he’s just for good
luck.”
A third child brought
the argument to a
close. “They use the
dogs,” she said firmly,
“to find the fire
hydrant.”
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I may not be perfect, but I'm always me, and that's something you could never be.
10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing
FREE
QUOTES
Commercial & Residential
SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING
Didn’t Know That!
SNOW REMOVAL
Morin
excavating
Inc.
Chinese takeout containers are actually meant to unfold
into a makeshift plate, which you can easily reassemble
into a box for storing leftovers. (Great idea!)
Andy Morin
207.784.8293
cell: 207.576.4714
amorinexc@roadrunner.com
WE’VE MOVED!
Come visit our new location at 205 Washington Street South in Auburn
• Screen Printing
• Embroidery
• Promotional Products
• Team & School Uniforms
• Work Wear
205 Washington Street South, Auburn • 207-784-4184 • coastaltshirts.com
Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.

Cats “headbutt” people because they make them feel safe, or they trust them.
Out ’n About at the
Lewiston PAL
Celebrity Hockey
Game
with former Maine
Mariner hockey players
I might just
wear this face mask
out on patrol...
We want to buy you dinner!
BUFFET DINNER
February 6th @ Hilton Garden Inn, Auburn
4-5pm Cocktail Hour • 5-7pm Dinner
Cash Give-a-ways • Prizes • Cash Bar Available!
Introducing exciting changes from the market place & to our practice...
Updates for 2016, including new Social Security rules and new Advisory Services
Bring a referral & you and your referral will be
entered to win the Grand Prize Drawing!
RSVP by Jan. 29th • 207-241-7430
Call for
your FREE
Consultation
Michael Dumond
These guys
look mean. Do I have
to go out there?
Celebrate with Frisbie & Associates with Kevin Frisbie,
Angela Wilkinson, Chad Dion, Rick George, Patti Theriault
656 Main St. Lewiston • 207-241-7430
Kevin Frisbie
Financial Advisor
Trever Campbell
Smile.
Your enemies hate it.
I don't understand how medicinal pizza is not covered by insurance yet.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 45

Eat Dessert
First
Submitted by Thomas Hill
The Chaplain had been
assigned to the ship
and he noticed how
much grief the cooks
(Mess Specialists)
caught from the crew
and how they gave
back as much as they
got. He talked to the
Food Service Officer
and decided to talk to
the cooks and get them
to be more cheerful
when they served the
meals to the sailors
coming down the line.
A smile and a cheerful
comment, a willingness
to serve them will reap
great benefits he told
them.
After his pep talk the
Food Service Officer
and the Chaplain stood
back and watched the
food being served.
A new sailor aboard
walked down the line
but he didn’t like anything
he saw so he just
carried his tray down
the line till he got to the
desert section. He
picked up a saucer
containing a large
piece of chocolate
cake.
American rapper Flo Rida was born and raised in Florida, hence the name.
Weddings • Reunions • Corporate Events & More
Professional
service at an
affordable
price
No job too big or too small!
Call Us Today for a Free Quote
207-345-9009
Walt Disney holds the record for most Oscars — He won 22.
Out ’n About Sabattus Credit Union
The Mess Specialist
looked at him, “Is that
all you’re gonna eat,”
he asked.
The sailor said, “Yeah,
the rest of it don’t look
too appetizing.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
46
(continued on next page)
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Andrew Lunn, Amanda Ashton, Mrs. Claus, Flo Poulin, Santa Claus, Michelle Firczak &
Tiffiny Stewart
Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut
than you do your own.

A politician who works for his own self interest, and not the interest of the people is
known as a “snollygoster.”
Office Cleaning Specialists
Run Your Business, we’ll clean it!
Offering: Janitorial Services • House Cleaning
Customized Cleaning • Floor Services
Pest Control Prep
FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates
Call TODAY!
Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed
CHRISSY’S DOWN HOME CLEANING • 207-754-4266
(continued from previous page)
The Mess Specialist
smiled and said, “Well,
in that case would you
like two pieces of
cake?”
The Chaplain smiled
and hit the Food Service
Officer in the ribs, “I
told you my talk did
them some good.”
The kid said, “Yeah,
man, I’d appreciate it.”
The cook leaned over
and cut the piece of
cake in half.
TOYS
FOR
TOTS
Children
making
donations at
Sabattus
Regional Credit
Union.
Think You’re
Having a Bad
Day?
Submitted by Thomas Hill
The average cost to
rehabilitate one seal
after the Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $90,000.
At a special ceremony,
two of the most
expensively-saved animals
were released
into the wild amid
cheers and applause
from onlookers.
A minute later, a killer
whale ate them both.
61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706
Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com
US.
FOODS
KEEPING KITCHENS COOKING
Nel Morin, Territory Manager
207.740.3398
USFoods.com
lionel.morin@usfoods.com
January Special
Fresh Mako
Shark Loin
$
13/lb
I decided not to go to Pisa, but I was leaning towards it.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 47

Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
If plan A doesn't work, just remember there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
Tom Coulombe
Station Master
With payment & Rates
that Fit your budget.
Refinance with us now.
GreatFallsfcu.com
Great Falls
Federal Credit Union
34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192
760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500
*Annual Percentage Rate. Restrictions & qualification apply.
Holly Cooney
The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock.
Jack & Carol Dexter
of Edgecomb
Trains
are cool.
Jeff, Oliver & Zoe Anderson
of Winthrop
Uncle Andy’s Digest
48
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
All About U staff
Dee, Leah, Paul, Samantha & Linda
If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look.

Dogs never make the debate team because they agree with everything you say.
128 Lewiston Road, Mechanic Falls
Sunday 12 - 9pm; Monday - Saturday 4pm - 1am
Live Music Every
Saturday Night!
Jan. 1
Jan. 2
Jan. 9th
SKOSH
Closed
DJ BOOM BOOM
12 Beers on Tap
DJ w/Karaoke
Full Pub Menu
Open Mic
Pool Tables
8 TV’s
Dart Boards
LIVE Entertainment
“Water” Pong
Cooking Class
Submitted by Jimbo
One day during cooking
class, the teacher,
Mrs. Jones, was extolling
her secrets for
preparing perfect
sauces.
When she ordered us
to the stoves to prepare
our assignments,
she said, “Don’t forget
to use wooden
spoons.”
As I stirred my sauce, I
contemplated the
physics behind the
mystery of the wooden
spoon and decided it
must have something
to do with heat conduction.
I approached Mrs.
Jones to test my theory.
“Why wooden
spoons?” I asked.
Jan. 16th
STRONGHOLD
“Because,” she replied,
“if I have to sit here listening
to all your metal
spoons banging
against metal pots, I’d
go nuts.”
Wrong Feet
Submitted by Thomas Hill
As a 5 year old boy,
Jerry put his shoes on
by himself. His mother
noticed the right one
was on the left foot.
Jan. 23RD
TINA KELLY BAND
Jan. 30th
BRAZEN CANE
Shooters Sports Pub • 128 Lewiston Road, Mechanic Falls • 207-345-7040
She said, “Son, your
shoes are on the
wrong feet.”
He looked up at her
with a raised brow and
said, “Don’t kid me,
Mom, I know they’re
my feet.”
The pupil of your eye expands up to 45% when you look at someone you love.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 49

Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
Sophie Dubuc &
Pam Snyder
of Greene
Our wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know
who he was.
Rolly’s Diner
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Breakfast & Lunch
Specials Daily
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
From Our Family, to Yours!
• Unusual Omelettes
• Crepes
• Breakfast All Day
• Extensive Menu
87 Mill St.
New Auburn
753-0171
(for take-out)
3 Generations: Sadie, Jordan, Ken & Rolly
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm
Sunday 7 am – noon
Tanner, Simon & Mike
Williams
winners of Thomas the Tank
Engine train set
Some people say I'm addicted to summersaults, but that's just how I roll.
The Uncle Andy’s Digest crew – fully doused in Xmas spirit
Tina, Chance &
Shannon Judd
“Fate is like a strange,
unpopular restaurant
filled with odd little
waiters who bring you
things you never asked
for and don't always
like.”
– Lemony Snicket
Uncle Andy’s Digest
50
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've really got to go
is better.

Listening to music while working helps create a more positive mood,
and can help you to become more productive.
Friends You
Can Count
on
Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
Joseph Beck-Poland
Matty B.
5-10am
Greg Michaels
10a-2pm
Kayley & Lacey
Barnies
Dave Dean
2-6pm
Gene Cassidy
6pm-midnight
Also Chris Hodgkins, Jay Mitchell & Alan Kabel
Why Listen to Portland Radio
When You Have Your Own?
Larry Cyr
Online at Z1055.com
The official radio station of the
Androscoggin County Chamber of Commerce and the
L/A Fighting Spirit hockey team
555 Center St., Auburn • Tel: 784-5868 • Email: GleasonMedia@gmail.com
There’s a lesson hidden in everything. You just have to find it.
Wisler Johnson
I grew a beard thinking
it would say ‘Distinguished
Gentleman.’
Instead, turns out it
says, ‘Senior Discount,
Please!’
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 51

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
New at
Uncle Andy’s Digest
WHEN
YOU’RE
TIRED OF
THIS...
Steven Simard
Auburn Native
Uncle Andy’s Digest is pleased to announce the addition of
Steve Simard to its sales staff. With more than 35 years experience
in the business field, he has worked as a purchasing agent,
Contracting Officer for the United States of America (Coast
Guard), Supply Officer/Purchasing Manager, Materials Management,
Logistics / Warehousing / Delivery and Sales. Steve retired
in 2012.
Simard is a 1977 graduate of Edward Little High School. He
attended University of Maine at Machias, majoring in
Marketing/Business. He is a graduate of the U.S. Coast Guard,
Chief Petty Officers Academy, Leadership and Management,
Petaluma, California. A retired Veteran of the U. S. Coast Guard,
serving more than 20 years.
Steve decided to come out of retirement to work in sales at
Uncle Andy’s Digest. He resides in Auburn with his wife. Lori.
Auburn was the first city to participate in the ‘Hire-A-Vet’ campaign
started by Governor LePage. Jimbo Marston, Owner of
Uncle Andy’s Digest, stated, “We heard about the campaign after
the fact. Campaign or not, we would have hired Steve anyway!
But it was great to hear we were one of the first companies in
Auburn to have hired a Veteran in one of Maine’s newest initiatives.
LePage has a goal to commit 100 employers to hire 100
Vets within 100 days. Steve is a stand-up guy and we’re looking
forward to working with him. He’s a pretty good golfer, too.”
GIVE US
A CALL!
Fully Insured
Free Quotes
Servicing the Mechanic Falls,
Minot & Poland areas.
JMAR
PLOWING
Reasonable Rates
576-4844
Uncle Andy’s Digest
52
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I had a problem with my boiled egg this morning. I've cracked it now!

Sat. Jan. 2 Ragged Jack
Fri. Jan. 8 Skosh
Sat. Jan. 9 Skid Marks
Fri. Jan. 15 Perpetual Mood Swing
Sat. Jan 16 Shady Lady
Fri. Jan 22 4 Play
Sat Jan. 23 Continental Shakedown
Fri. Jan. 29 Eds Meds
Sat. Jan. 30 Juke Joint Devils
A hippopotamus can open its mouth 180 degrees.
Live Music Lineup!
All
shows
8:30-
12:30
Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
Lisa & Frank Mottram,
Lavinia Davis
Like a kid
in a candy store...
Eat, Drink & Be Family!
34 Court Street, Auburn • 207-344-3201
Only 100 steps from the parking garage!
Sun. – Wed. 11am-11pm
Thurs – Sat 11am-1am
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.
Calling all
SWEET
HEARTS
Keep your eyes peeled for our
upcoming
SWEETHEART CONTEST
on our Facebook page! Starts in
early January.
We’re planning on bigger and better
prizes this year!
Get Ready to
Submit Your
Sweetheart pic
Nick & Maureen
Mamich
Peg & Bud Cherry
Only in Uncle Andy’s Digest!
The character for Luke Skywalker was originally written as a girl.
Willie Lemarie &
grandson, Miles Burke
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 53

Rump Roast
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A lawyer’s dog, running
about unleashed,
beelines for a butcher
shop and steals a
roast. Butcher goes to
lawyer’s office and
asks, “If a dog running
unleashed steals a
piece of meat from my
store, do I have a right
to demand payment for
the meat from the
dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers,
“Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me
$9.50. Your dog was
loose and stole a roast
from me today.”
The lawyer, without a
word, writes the
butcher a check for
$9.50.
Several days later the
butcher opens the mail
and finds an envelope
from the lawyer: $100
due for a consultation.
Gang Violence
Submitted by Jimbo
A turtle was walking
down an alley in New
York when he was
mugged by a gang of
snails. A police detective
came to investigate
and asked the
turtle if he could explain
what happened.
The turtle looked at the
detective with a confused
look on his face
and replied “I don’t
know, it all happened
so fast.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
54
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Telling a demolitions expert how to do his job is destructive criticism.
Come & Enjoy Our
Everyday Specials!
MONDAY
75¢ Wings
Cheeseburger Special
$
5.99
25oz domestic drafts $ 3.00
WEDNESDAY
Mexican Day
3 Beef Tacos $ 4.99
Thatcher’s Burrito $ 6.99
$
5 Well Margaritas
$
3 Coronas
FRIDAY
Fish & Chips
$
8.99
Fried Scallops
$
12.99
TUESDAY
75¢ Wings
Thatcher’s Burger
BBQ sauce, cheddar, caramelized onions
$
7.99
25oz domestic drafts $ 3.00
THURSDAY
Stuffed Peppers
$
5.99
$
4.00 microbrews
SATURDAY
Terriyaki tips $ 10.99
2 Hotdogs w/fries $ 4.99
$
3 Shipyard Pumkinhead
12oz cans
with Mashed
A place where
family & friends
gather for good food
& cheer at great prices!
782-2135
Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm
Sun. 11am - 5pm
SUNDAY
12” cheese pizza $ 5.99
$
5 Well Bloody Mary’s • $ 2 Bud/Bud Lt cans
I just saved lot of money on my car insurance by switching... my car into reverse and
avoiding an accident.
Out ’n About with Dad’s Place at their Christmas Party
We’ve got a lot
of exciting things
happening and can’t
wait to see what
2016 brings!
Larry Roy, Fern & Louise Roy, Nina Stimson & Diana Roy
I want to open a photo processing store in a developing country.

There was something going on in the bathroom, but I wasn't privy to the details.
Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
CARPET CLEANING ◆ TILE & GROUT ◆ UPHOLSTERY CLEANING ◆ AREA RUGS
Celebrating 30 Years of Service in the L/A Area!
Rev. Sharon Workman
“Family owned
and operated
since 1986.”
If you think
my engine looks good,
you should see my
caboose!
207-783-2933 • WWW.COLLINSCARPETCLEANING.COM
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Rick James
Roger & Martha
Feeley
Out ’n About with Community Credit Union
Natalie Green, Jen Hogan, Joann Jackson & Monty Moose at the Turner Tree Lighting event.
So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!
Roger Bouvier
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
January 2016 UncleAndys.com 55

Fried Chicken
Submitted by Jimbo
Our teacher asked what
my favorite animal was,
and I said, “Fried
chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny,
but she couldn’t have
been right, because
everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to
always tell the truth. I
did. Fried chicken is my
favorite animal. I told
my dad what happened
and he said my teacher
was probably a member
of PETA. He said they
love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially
chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher
sent me to the principal’s
office. I told him
what happened, and he
laughed, too. Then he
told me not to do it
again.
If you dial 3-0-7-5-6-6-6-5-5-5-6-6-6-3-0-7-5-6-6-6-5-5-3-2-1 on a phone,
you'll play "Mary Had a Little Lamb".
600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com
Since 1914
Watch Battery Special!
All batteries
Only
$
1 .00
Limit one watch
battery per coupon
Home of Maine’s LARGEST Diamond Selection
Out ’n About at the Uncle Andy’s Digest Christmas Party
The next day in class
my teacher asked me
what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it
was chicken. She asked
me why, so I told her it
was because you could
make them into fried
chicken. She sent me
back to the principal’s
office. He laughed, and
told me not to do it
again.
We made Thomas Hill blow
up all the balloons...
Then we
made antlers.
First one
done was the
winner.
Pam Ashby
Lori Simard
I don’t understand. My
parents taught me to be
honest, but my teacher
doesn’t like it when I
am. Today, my teacher
asked me to tell her
what famous person I
admired most.
I told her, “Colonel
Sanders.” Guess where
I am now...
Tracy Draper
Jimbo Marston
Sue Marston
Vickie Rucker
We all had a blast.
It was great to get together and
let our hair down, so to speak.
Steve Simard
Tim Rucker
Uncle Andy’s Digest
56
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Zero is an even number.

207-783-7039
(That’s not a threat.) It’s a fact.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST was audited by the Certification Verification Council (CVC),
an independent, third-party reporting audit company. They audit more than 3,700 publications
nationwide. Our audit shows:
2.5 *
80.6% *
58% *
52% *
Readers per edition.
Getting your ad up to 25,000
impressions per month.
National average:
1.75*
frequently purchase products and
services from ads seen in
Uncle Andy’s Digest
National average:
74.4%*
of our readers have an
annual household income of
$50,000 or more.
National average:
47%*
of our readers hang on to their
Digest for a month or more,
giving it coffee table status.
National average:
25%*
It’s Verified – Uncle Andy’s Digest Delivers!
*Source: 2015 CVC Audit Report. Ask to see entire report.

Out ’n About at
Great Falls
Railroad Club
for their ExTRAINaganza
After the bank was robbed, the owner bought cows to beef up the security.
Coming Soon... Snow, Sleet, Ice!
And we’ll
be here for
you!
Roland Metayer, Adyn
Breton, Claire Breton
FREE
ESTIMATES!
COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING
1111 Center Street, Auburn • 782-6515
If ceiling fans could hold your weight, you'd never be
bored again.
Rolande & Roger Breton
former owners of Jake & Andy's
Donuts, the building now used by
the railroad club.
I’m just
a Santa in
training!
Your LOCAL Source for Janitorial
Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies
No Minimum Purchases!
Next Day Delivery in L/A
120 Mill St., Auburn • 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com
Ronald Czaja
A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!
• Happy Hour 3-6pm daily
• 14 Beers on Tap & Full Bar
• Daily Specials
• Open Mic on Wednesday Nights
• Live Music on Friday Nights
Sam Gunter & Hazel
of Waterville
Uncle Andy’s Digest
58
January 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
64 Lewiston Road, Gray
657-4714 • ColeFarms.com
Any friendship that exceeds the 7 yr mark is more likely to last an entire lifetime.

Happy
New Year!
What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?
Social Security.
Come
Experience
a Real
Hand Car
Wash
Done the
Old
Fashioned
Way!
Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm
Fri. by appointment
Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.
Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit
with results that you will be proud to show off.
Visit us at our state of the art office at:
730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza
783-1351
Same Day Emergency Care
We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider
LIQUID
SUNSHINE
CAR WASH
& DETAIL
865 Sabattus Street
Lewiston
333-3004
Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm
Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm
auburnplazafamilydentistry.com
UncleAndysDigest.com