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I got up onstage and Tom did some terrible beat-boxing—“Bff ba-dff, bff bff ba-dff”—
while I stumbled through some Busta Rhymes lyrics that I made up as I went along. The
audience erupted with cheers and applause. An American rapper had come to Hammanskraal,
and it was the most epic thing they had ever seen.
So that’s Tom.
One afternoon Tom came by my house and we started talking about the dance. I told him
I didn’t have a date, couldn’t get a date, and wasn’t going to get a date.
“I can get you a girl to go with you to the dance,” he said.
“No, you can’t.”
“Yes, I can. Let’s make a deal.”
“I don’t want one of your deals, Tom.”
“No, listen, here’s the deal. If you give me a better cut on the CDs I’m selling, plus a
bunch of free music for myself, I’ll come back with the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen in
your life, and she’ll be your date for the dance.”
“Okay, I’ll take that deal because it’s never going to happen.”
“Do we have a deal?”
“We have a deal, but it’s not going to happen.”
“But do we have a deal?”
“It’s a deal.”
“Okay, I’m going to find you a date. She’s going to be the most beautiful girl you’ve ever
seen, and you’re going to take her to the matric dance and you’re going to be a superstar.”
The dance was still two months away. I promptly forgot about Tom and his ridiculous
deal. Then he came over to my house one afternoon and popped his head into my room.
“I found the girl.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. You have to come and meet her.”
I knew Tom was full of shit, but the thing that makes a con man successful is that he
never gives you nothing. He delivers just enough to keep you believing. Tom had introduced
me to many beautiful women. He was never dating them, but he talked a good game, and was
always around them. So when he said he had a girl, I didn’t doubt him. The two of us jumped
on a bus and headed into the city.
The girl lived in a run-down block of flats downtown. We found her building, and a girl
leaned over the balcony and waved us inside. That was the girl’s sister Lerato, Tom said.
Come to find out, he’d been trying to get with Lerato, and setting me up with the sister was
his way in—of course, Tom was working an angle.
It was dark in the lobby. The elevator was busted, so we walked up several flights. This
girl Lerato brought us into the flat. In the living room was this giant, but I mean really, really
enormous, fat woman. I was like, Oh, Tom. I see what you’ve done here. Nicely played. Tom
was a big joker as well.
“Is this my date?” I asked.
“No, no, no,” he said. “This is not your date. This is her older sister. Your date is Babiki.