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I grew up in a black family in a black neighborhood in a black country. I’ve traveled to other black cities in
black countries all over the black continent. And in all of that time I’ve yet to find a place where black people
like cats. One of the biggest reasons for that, as we know in South Africa, is that only witches have cats, and all
cats are witches.
There was a famous incident during an Orlando Pirates soccer match a few years ago. A cat got into the
stadium and ran through the crowd and out onto the pitch in the middle of the game. A security guard, seeing
the cat, did what any sensible black person would do. He said to himself, “That cat is a witch.” He caught the
cat and—live on TV—he kicked it and stomped it and beat it to death with a sjambok, a hard leather whip.
It was front-page news all over the country. White people lost their shit. Oh my word, it was insane. The
security guard was arrested and put on trial and found guilty of animal abuse. He had to pay some enormous
fine to avoid spending several months in jail. What was ironic to me was that white people had spent years
seeing video of black people being beaten to death by other white people, but this one video of a black man
kicking a cat, that’s what sent them over the edge. Black people were just confused. They didn’t see any
problem with what the man did. They were like, “Obviously that cat was a witch. How else would a cat know
how to get out onto a soccer pitch? Somebody sent it to jinx one of the teams. That man had to kill the cat. He
was protecting the players.”
In South Africa, black people have dogs.