9 months ago


THUGWISE InVeCtiVe (And sAtiRiCaL SCreeDs) 6

FROM THE BOWELS OF UNSCIENTIFIC THOUGHT: THE COMMON CORE SIMPLIFIED By John Alexander Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of hearing about the Common Core. Yeah, yeah- some people are for it, some are against- and then there’s the students- “the victims”- who have to endure it. I mean, there was a time when going to school meant seeing your friends, memorizing a bunch of stuff, going to gym and lunch- and being “freed” at the end of the day. But now, the fun is all gone. Instead, the kids “search for evidence;” “piece together arguments;” “explain calculations;” “compare similarities and differences;” “think critically”- and that’s just the beginning. And for what? Lift their achievement levels? Undermine local control? Overwhelm kids with stupid word problems? Again, for what? To what end? So they can get a minimum wage job that requires them to apply NONE of the things they’ve learned? It does seem so, doesn’t it? So, I’ve devised a ten question “test” that will not only eliminate the need for all that time spent in the Common Core, but will prepare those students for the minimum wage jobs they will call a career. And, I’ve even provided a “grading key” so that the test takers will have a good, solid introduction by which to plan the rest of their lives (a “career planning” added bonus- for free!). So, without further ado, let me introduce you to- “The Common Core - Simplified.” (1) You are a cashier at Starbucks. A customer’s order rings up as $15.00. The customer gives you two (2) five dollar bills, four (4) one dollar bills, three (3) quarters, two (2) dimes, and five (5) pennies. How much change should you give back to the customer? (a) Two one dollar bills and three quarters; (b) No change back; (c) Two quarters and four nickels; (d) Three dimes and two nickels; (e) None of the above. 7

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