The Decay of the Angel - Yukio Mishima

attract a certain sort of woman with their inexperience
—not after all a very attractive trait. And so I assumed
a delicate arrogance, which was nothing but shyness
cloaking itself in vanity.
The woman seemed torn between a desire to put
me at my ease and a desire to excite me; but she
was really thinking of herself. She knew from
experience that over-ardent instruction can make the
young person stumble. That was the reason for her
sweet reserve. It was the perfume with which she had
carefully touched herself. I could see a little gauge
wavering in her eyes.
Since it was quite obvious that she was using my
eagerness and curiosity to arouse herself, I was
reluctant to have her look at me. It was not that I was
feeling particularly shy; but I made the gesture as I
brushed her eyes shut seem like a demand of
shyness. I suppose that thus rolling in the dark a
woman feels only the wheel that runs over her.
It goes without saying that my feelings of pleasure
were over as soon as they began. I was much
relieved. Only with the third try did I feel anything like
real pleasure.
And so I saw: pleasure has an intellectual element
in it from the start.
Which is to say: a certain distance is established, a