Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety

Page 143Free Your Imprisoned FeelingsAgoraphobics are often avoidant people who have a tendency to suppress negative feelings like anger, sadness, distress, and frustration. When these feelings surface,they feel anxious and seek to control their expression.During childhood, expressing negative feelings were not met with help in resolving them, but with increased parental annoyance, anger or rage, or withdrawal. Sinceangry or depressed parents didn't take care of you, you learned to deny these feelings and to behave to please your parents­to lay low and not make waves. Unableto turn to your parents for comfort when distressed, you became falsely independent and pretended to not need anyone.These early experiences scarred your brain. Later, this pattern of behavior extends to other relationships: feelings were hidden; needs were denied; and behaviordesigned to please. Unable to say no to the demands of others and stand up for yourself, your sense of self was stunted.But you can deny your feelings and your true sense of self only for so long; eventually, as Freud taught us, anxiety bursts through in psychological or psychosomaticsymptoms. In some sense, a panic attack is an expression of intense feelings of frustration, anger, and grief in disguise, and agoraphobia a distress call that something isvery wrong and you strongly need nurturing.Freeing your imprisoned feelings may take aggressive therapeutic intervention (see Chapter 7). Remember, deeply embedded in your psyche is the notion that showingyour feelings is dangerous: Not only will no one come to your aid, intensifying your distress, but if your rage and intense dependency needs spill out, they will surelyscare the other person away.Here are some ways you can help yourself:Try to identify your feeling states.Talk about your feelings with "safe" people.Write your feelings down in a daily journal.Explore your feelings through creative outlets, like painting, pottery, stained glass, playing a musical instrument, dance, drama, creative writing.Watch movies, listen to music and read books that provoke intense feelings like sadness or joy, so you can learn to express the full range of your feeling.