Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety

Page 200I'll Never Beat This PerformanceSuccess is a two­edged sword. The more you succeed, the more people expect. Some people, especially performers and athletes, experience this as an overwhelmingresponsibility and worry; "Can I produce again? Will I disappoint?"These fears surface as well in the bedroom, especially for men. Once you've exhibited sexual savoir­faire, you set up a standard that you believe your partner expectsyou to meet.Success in Sex Requires Too Much Risky IntimacyBedroom success can also be scary for the intimate shy. Gabriel, a deeply avoidant person, is a good example. Though he had been dating Dorie for three years, therelationship had progressed little and they saw each other only two to three times a week, generally at Dorie's initiative. While she continually pressed for them to livetogether and eventually marry, he constantly protested that he needed his independence and space. Sex left much to be desired.When Gabriel stayed over at Dorie's, he got into bed as late as possible in the hope that she would be asleep. Positioning himself at the edge of the other side of thekingsized bed, he turned his body away from her and said "good night"­no kiss, no pat, no hug. In the morning, he got up before her and did not touch her. During theinfrequent times that they had sex, neither enjoyed it: Gabriel was too tense; Dorie was too disappointed in his "performance." Sex never began with kissing but withbrief perfunctory foreplay that lacked passion. Then Gabriel would penetrate Dorie. His breathing tight and constricted and his movements fast and stilted, he wouldmake a few quick thrusts, stop, then repeat this pattern. This erratic rhythm, which made it impossible for Dorie to enjoy intercourse, would go on for twenty minutesor so until finally he ejaculated, though he did not have a full, orgiastic feeling. Dorie went to bed frustrated, or snuck into the living room when he was asleep andmasturbated to orgasm. Sometimes when Dorie got Gabriel very excited, he would take her hand away and masturbate to orgasm.Gabriel equated enjoying sex with enjoying Dorie. But if he enjoyed her, he must care about her and, much worse, need her. To protect himself from such dangerousfeelings, which threatened to overwhelm him with a powerful need for love and a catastrophic fear of rejection and loss of self, he felt compelled to behave toward