Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety

Dorie as if she were unimportant to him. To maintain this illusion, he denied all passion. When it emerged, he masturbated to orgasm, thus convincing himself that itwasn't Dorie that excited him but that he had excited himself.The Approach/Avoid TrapThe uncomfortable feelings associated with failure or success create ambivalence, what psychologists call the approach­avoidance conflict: there's something we wantbut also fear and we cannot have one without the other. Gabriel wanted Dorie's love desperately (approach), but feared expressing this (avoidance), lest he open aPandora's box of desires that would overwhelm him and scare Dorie away. You desire a master's degree to further your education (approach), but fear the anxiety oftest taking (avoidance). You want a more challenging job (approach), but fear being turned down (avoidance).The devil sitting on one shoulder, mouthing off about all the bad things that can happen to you, almost always has a louder voice than the angel sitting on the othershoulder, egging you on. This puts a real damper on your performance, as the rewards for performing get obscured by fear­provoking thoughts and theiraccompanying anxiety.If that old devil fear has enough of a say, you may avoid performing altogether. This is perilous. Not only do you lose the satisfaction from performing, but theavoidance also feeds on itself. The relief you feel at not having to perform increases the likelihood of continued avoidance and you get nowhere.Page 201Sometimes we cannot avoid and feel forced into a position where we must perform. What do we do? Procrastinate­a kind of avoidance. You put off studying for yourexam until the night before and then arrive ill­prepared. You stall sex by playing computer games late into the night; by the time you get into bed, you only have time fora disappointing quickie. You get dressed for your job interview at the last moment and arrive late and missing a button on your shirt. Inadequately prepared,procrastination makes your performance worse and failures intensify.