Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety

Page 195Imperfect MeUnderneath overblown pride, or narcissism, is the opposite feeling­that you are inherently flawed. To compensate, you strive for perfection and set unrealistically highexpectations for yourself, others, and life. When, inevitably, things fall short, you become disappointed and self­critical. Even when enormously successful, you zoom inon the fly in the ointment and tend to discount and ignore what's good. You compare yourself to others, minimize your own achievements and feel like a failure­worsethan nothing. And you project this self­hate onto others and assume that they too despise you for being so defective.What drives people to perfectionism? Perhaps you had critical parents who expected perfection­"Only a B+ on your exam?"­and didn't understand the words "Ican't." Regardless of your accomplishments, it was never enough to please them. Often these are parents who, like the quintessential stage mother, feel their child mustbecome all they couldn't: ''I sacrificed for you and you have to make­up for what I missed." Later, the whole world becomes a stage on which you play out yourchildhood longings for parental approval. If you give a perfect performance, you will be successful. Everyone will love you and your mother or father will finally cometo see your worth. When you fall short of perfection, you see in your mind's eye that reflection of your parent's disappointment and feel like less than nothing.