Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety

Page 279All in the FamilyChildren are part of a family. And families behave like mobiles: when one part moves, the whole configuration is changed. In other words, the behavior of each familymember affects everyone else. If childhood fears linger or intensify, the underlying cause, according to Dr. Joel Feiner, author of Taming Monsters, Slaying Dragons,may be their use as a ploy to divert attention away from the parent's own unresolved marital, job, or emotional conflicts.In the ideal family situation, the strongest bond is between the two parents and this helps sustain each to have the emotional wherewithal for their children. Family rolesare flexible, communication is open­people really listen to each other­and the outlook is positive and upbeat. All of this makes fear less likely to settle in and grow outof proportion.But if this bond is shattered, by marital friction or divorce, mother or father may instead turn to the child for support and the stronger bond develops with the child.Roles become muddied, as the child assumes the responsibility for meeting the parent's emotional needs. And this is fertile ground for fears. The fear might be used asa coalition between mother and child to exclude father. For instance, daddy won't let the frightened child snuggle into the family bed so mommy snuggles with the childin the child's bed. But since life is really shaky without daddy's involvement, fears might intensify to force an alliance between the parents and greater parentalprotection. The child might, for instance, develop a fear of water since his screams get both mommy and daddy concerned and working together to calm him.In Bed AloneIn a Dennis the Menace cartoon by Ketcham, Dennis stands at the foot of his half sleeping parents' bed and says, "It's easy for you to say, 'Don't be afraid of thedark' ... You got somebody to sleep with!"