Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety

The same need for perfection happens when you had a "perfect" parent or sibling and felt you couldn't compete. To make it worse, you were always compared. "Whycan't you be smart like your sister Sue?" ''Why can't you be a go­getter like your brother Brad?" In some cases, these perceptions were realistic: You were born withless talent than other family members; trying to compete is hopeless. In other cases, you falsely perceive your lack of abilities in light of the idealized parent or bettersibling.Patti, an undergraduate at a state college, had terrific test anxiety. Though exceptionally bright and always well prepared for an exam, she would convince herself thatshe would fail miserably and referred to herself as "the retard." The day of the test, she would wake up feeling nervous and worried that she had not mastered thematerial. By the time she sat down to take the exam, she had worked herself into a frenzy and froze. The page was a blur and her mind went blank. Often, she felt sonervous during an exam that she felt she would vomit.Patti's mother was beautiful, charming, and an accomplished pianist, adored by everyone. Patti, in contrast, was quiet, a bit chunky and socially awkward. How couldshe ever do anything to match up to her perfect mother, who expected perfection, and her demanding father, who expected her to be like her perfect mother? "Whycan't you be friendly and smile at people, like your mother does?" he would ask. "Why can't you care about your appearance? Look how well your mother putsherself together." No matter what success she achieved, it would fall short of what her exemplary and wonderful mother could do. Nor would her father ever love andadore her as he did her brilliant mother.Page 196I'm Really a Sham!If you feel inherently inadequate, anything short of perfection makes you experience success as a sham­a cover­up for "a multitude of blunders," as George BernardShaw said. You have, as psychologists call it, the "imposter syndrome," and consequently, you feel­guilty for cheating people who believe you to be better than youactually are. If they only knew! The only solution is to strive even harder for perfection.Jacqueline sat staring at the man in front of her, the person with the power to give or deny her the job of a lifetime­an interior designer at one of the top firms. Helooked carefully at her portfolio. "You're work is quite impressive," he said. She smiled coyly, squirmed in her seat and giggled nervously. "Do you really think so?" shesaid. "Yes," he responded. "Your work is good.""Oh," said Jacqueline, "well, I mean...God, the girl before me had an incredible portfolio." "Shut up, Jacqueline," she told herself, "you're totally screwing